“But, That’s How It’s Done!”

Twoo Twoo Train To Kinky Kinky Land

Well, sure.

If you want to keep putting yourself at a social disadvantage, keep buying into the mental crap that other people feed you, instead of breaking out of your shell.

Pure bollocks like:

These things are not true for everyone. In fact, the opposite is true for many people. Why not for you?

And feel free to share some of the totally fucked-up wrong-headed and completely idiotic things that are commonly accepted that you have found to be false.

*smiles*

Polyamory Is Not The Key To Being A Better Partner (Poly Is Not, Part XIII)

Polyamory Is Not... A Series

Polyamory and dating more people does not automatically make you better at it. If so, serial monogamists would grow in each relationship, ultimately ending up at coupled nirvana…

I mean, think about it. I’m pretty sure you know someone who’s been doing something for years, and still sucks at it. Maybe your co-worker. Time spent does not equal skill.

I’ve been singing my whole life. Joyously. Loudly. And I suck. I have not gotten better, because I don’t really care to get better. I don’t study it, I don’t think about improvement, I don’t practice. I just do it.

Poly is the same.

I’ve heard people saying really misleading things about polyamory, like:

“Once you start being poly, you will learn more about yourself than you ever did in monogamous relationships.”

Continue reading “Polyamory Is Not The Key To Being A Better Partner (Poly Is Not, Part XIII)”

This Is Why

This Is Why

“you helped my ex-wife and i reconcile back together and into a FLR cuckold relationship. thank you”

It’s not the FLR bit. It’s not the cuckolding. It’s the reconciliation. It’s the connecting. It’s the simple act of sending a thank you note for something appreciated.

This is why I do what I do. This is why I post as often as I can. Why I write books. Why I talk to people who seem hopeless.

Because every once in a while, I get a message like this.

And even once in a while is enough for me to put in that effort every singe day.

Writing Prompt: Your Current Roles/Labels

Labels And Roles

On FetLife, of all the labels to choose from, I am a kinkster. On my kinky dating sites, I am a dominant. I also identify as bisexual in some places and heteroflexible in others. I am a switch in activities and sexuality, but never in my relationships. I also identify as epicurean, insatiably curious, poly, feminine, bossy, cuckoldress, experience whore, ‘She Who Must Be Obeyed’, silly, geeky, lazy, ambivert, tea lover, and more.

More than anything, I identify as Nookie, which is both my long-time nickname and my role. Continue reading “Writing Prompt: Your Current Roles/Labels”

You. Must. Talk Dirty. To. Me. (Or, provide a valid reason, open to proof and defense from all sides, on the proper forms, in triplicate.)

Talk Dirty To Me

I tend to be direct.

Very direct.

I mean what I say, when I say it.

Sure, sometimes I’m wrong, or I change my mind, but generally, you can take my words, especially about myself, at face value.

You can also believe that I took care in saying exactly what I meant.

And when I say that I don’t want to speak sexually with a total stranger on the internet, that seems, to me, like it should be clear.

Apparently, it’s not. Case in point (bold is mine):

Duuuuude (second message):

Would You be interested in chatting? 🙂

Me

If by chatting, you mean talking sexually, no. If you mean having meaningful conversation about topics of mutual interest, maybe. Continue reading “You. Must. Talk Dirty. To. Me. (Or, provide a valid reason, open to proof and defense from all sides, on the proper forms, in triplicate.)”

When Do You Put In The Effort?

Effort

In a polyamory group I participate in, I had a very cool discussion about listening in relationships. Here’s how it went:

OP:

Do you expect your partners to provide emotional support/listen when you need to vent? If so, do you have that expectation towards all of your partners or just your primary/the person who is best at listening/etc? If not, how and where do you satisfy the need for said emotional support?

I’ve been told that it’s best not to expect anything from relationships and just take them for what they are, but I find this approach rather difficult to apply in real life. Especially with people who seem to expect emotional labour from me but aren’t willing or don’t have the skills to reciprocate.

My original response:

I don’t have specific expectations for interaction.

However, if a relationship with a partner does not make me fell like I get FAR more out of it than I put in (and the other should feel that way, also), I simply let it go. We’re not a fit.

OP responded:

So, essentially you want people who will willingly put the work in and listen without you having to ask for it?

My reply:

Sometimes. Everyone is different.

I will ask, if other things in the relationship give me reason to believe that they are worth the effort.

It’s very much a balance. Are they putting effort into me that shows that maybe their failings are simply not knowing better, rather than narcissism and selfishness?

OP asks again:

That’s interesting. So, let me know if I understand correctly: if someone is otherwise a good partner, you are willing to accept the fact that they’re not a great listener and not the best person to provide support and comfort you?

My reply:

Not at all.

I’m willing to accept the fact that they are not NOW a great listener, but with some gentle coaching and encouragement, might become one in pursuit of the relationship that we both share and enjoy.

Not listening is not just a flaw, it’s a sure sign to me (over time) that they actually don’t care what I have to say.

And sometimes, they just don’t know HOW to care, that way, or why. So I’ll say something, and see if they choose to move towards me or away with their response.

It’s about a balance of efforts. Do they make me feel good enough within the relationship that I’m willing to put in the effort to make it extraordinary?

I love discussions like this, because the questions help me dig deeper into my own reasoning, and clarify my thoughts.

In this case, it was a clear “A-HA” for me about when I put in the effort… and in the past 4 months or so since, I’ve seen this popping up with clear lines of demarcation in very many spaces (not just relationships).

What are your reactions to this discussion? When do you put in the effort?

Oh HELL Yeah! According To Studies, Sex CAN Make You Happier, Overall

Sex Makes You Happier

Whew!

And I thought it was all in my head.

LOL! No, I really didn’t. I have know since I was… well, since I started having sex that sex makes me happier, more creative, more engaging, more energetic, more loving, more tolerant, healthier, and probably a gadzillion things more that I am not bringing to mind right now.

Now, there are people studying this shit and proving it. Continue reading “Oh HELL Yeah! According To Studies, Sex CAN Make You Happier, Overall”