Kinky Dating: A New Example For The Book

A mostly dark black image with a man in red blowing a red smoke heart. Looks a bit disturbing.

Just Thursday, I was contacted by a self-identified male dominant on Collarspace for the first time. His message was short and sweet.

I replied.

His response inspired me, and I knew I had a perfect example of why, when it comes to dating kinky (or any kind of dating, really), I recommend making your profile very YOU, to disqualify those you don’t want to attract.

Continue reading “Kinky Dating: A New Example For The Book”

My Results Do Not Equal Yours

The words: "Part Performance Guarantees Future Results," with a red circle/slash around it.

Yesterday, @Fentrix said in a comment on my writing:

As if talking about an opinion I’ve held that I’ve found useful in my life has anything to do with right or wrong, it has to do with utility.

To which I answered just this morning:

Yes! It’s useful to me. If it’s useful to you, I’m so glad. If it’s not, that’s cool, too. If I inspired you to think… I’m pleased as punch.

I don’t care that people believe in compromise in their relationships, in low context communication, in CNC… If it works for them and their partners, I’m all for it.

I do talk about how I think and why, and how I grow through issues, because when I’ve been doing all this, reading others doing the same thing (even in vastly different channels) has helped me learn more about myself and how I think.

And then looking at my calendar, I see that the point meshes quite well with what I intended to write about today. Continue reading “My Results Do Not Equal Yours”

This Is Not About Changing YOUR Mind…

A journal page with a giraffe on it, with a handwritten speech bubble containing the words, "It's Not Always About You"

In fact, none of what I write or discuss online is about convincing you to change your mind.

I don’t really care what you think/feel.

I mean, sure, if I think you’re a bigot, I’d love for you to not be, for the sake of the people around you and the people you may hold some sort of power over, but making you a not-bigot is not my goal on a daily basis.

After all, you have a right to think and believe as you see fit, and I’m pretty sure you’re aware of the consequences and are willing to live with those.

If you already have a strong opinion, I’m not writing to you.

Continue reading “This Is Not About Changing YOUR Mind…”

It’s The Thoughtless Act That Often Hurts More…

A year or so ago, someone said in response to one of my writings:

yes i may have been hurt by a comment by someone but was that the intent of that person? I can ask and find out; they have been mortified that an offhand comment hurt me and apologised profusely. How i react then is my choice.

My reply was, “I’d like to point out that if someone was trying to hurt, then it is doubly less important that you take it to heart.”

If someone I care about is trying to hurt me with their words, then why should I be hurt?

That makes me immediately pull back and think over the situation. Continue reading “It’s The Thoughtless Act That Often Hurts More…”

Break Up. Do It Before You Dislike Your Partner Enough To Make It Easy

A man/woman couple standing in silhouette, back to back, looking miserable.

I’ve had my share of break ups. They pretty much always suck.

The ones that suck the most, though, are the ones where I still LOVE my partner. Love them, and heck, even still like them.

Those suck big pustulent donkey balls.

And if that’s not clear enough… they are the worst breakups.

For me, anyway. Continue reading “Break Up. Do It Before You Dislike Your Partner Enough To Make It Easy”

I’ll Show You My Exformation, If You’ll Show Me Yours…

A classic image of two children looking into their diapers.

Effective communication depends on a shared body of knowledge between the persons communicating. In using words, sounds, and gestures, the speaker has deliberately thrown away a huge body of information, though it remains implied. This shared context is called exformation. source

In other words, exformation is the assumed knowledge and shared understanding that is not explicitly spoken in communication.

So, for example, when I say to my Pet, “ruined,” or text him, “#ruined,” there is a history of our conversations around that topic, from the very first evening nearly 4 1/2 years ago, when one of his best friends was listening to him gush about me, and told him, “You are so ruined.”

So, exformation is necessary for those in jokes and couple concepts. Continue reading “I’ll Show You My Exformation, If You’ll Show Me Yours…”

“Every relationship will get boring…” FUCK THAT!

Image with the text: "Every relationship will get "boring" after you've been together for years, if you let it. Love isn't a feeling, it's a commitment; to love every day, physically and emotionally. It's difficult, it's not always laughs, smiles and fun. People tend to quit when it stops being fun, and they go look for someone else. "Oh the spark is gone." No, that's not how it works. You want somebody to never give up on you, and love you unconditionally? Do the same. Be the change. This isn't Hollywood, this isn't the movies. That shit isn't real. Love someone when you don't want to. When they are being a fucking asshole. When they're being hard to love. That's the realest shit there is."
I saw this on Facebook this morning, and my response to it was strong enough that I wanted to write about it today, rather than whatever I have on my calendar (that’ll just get pushed off to the end of September or so).

Anyway, this image.

I disagree.

Love IS a feeling. It’s created of chemicals being released in our bodies as a results of certain behaviors, looks, and chemistry, and how we respond to those.

Commitment is commitment.

To suggest that love = commitment suggests that commitment = love, and I think we all know that is a false equivalency. Continue reading ““Every relationship will get boring…” FUCK THAT!”