A Different Definition Of Consent: To Feel Together

Consent: To Feel Together

I actually had this topic on my calendar for Tuesday, and today’s topic was a follow-up on a consent writing I did back in November of last year: Why Do We Think Consent Isn’t Sexy?

And this didn’t get written, because reasons, and today’s topic I’m not QUITE ready for. Not so un-ready that I’m pushing it off until February (yet), but not yet ready to write.

And besides, I think today’s topic is better to write first.

I have a daily ritual of spending at least 15 minutes every day reading something to make me think. To help me grow as a person, in my business, whatever. I often try to read things WAY outside of my normal topics, so I can bring ideas and inspiration back.

Some time ago, I was doing just that, and I came across an awesome concept.

The etymology (did you catch yesterday that I’ve been a word geek from WAYYY back?) of consent includes consentire.

Consentire, in Latin, means “to feel together.”

I quite like that.

Because it suggests that we should view consent not as the simple acquisition of “yes,” but as a building of experiences with ALL parties in mind.

If consent is simply about getting a “yes,” or agreement to forge ahead, we have to constantly keep an eye on power imbalances and what those can mean to implied or coerced consent.

Feeling together, however, means creating an experience, which requires attention, mirroring, and empathy towards the other/others sharing that experience.

While I still love checking in for consent as I go, as mentioned in my previous writing), I know that as my relationships deepen, I “feel together” far more often, and with great joy.

And I’m guessing that many who report NOT getting constant consent and yet having happy healthy relationships also do, too.

Which is beautiful.

Happy Birthday To Me! Nookie Is 31 Years Young…

Happy Birthday, Nookie!

31 years ago, I began a tradition. For my birthday, I get myself one meaningful gift every year.

My nickname, Nookie, came from that first gift to myself at 14. From the compact edition of the Oxford English Dictionary.


Being 14 and having friends who were 14-16 primarily, what do you think we did with “the most complete English language dictionary in the world”?

Look up naughty words of course!

And when we got to this one, and read the definition, I was christened. And it stuck. I’m a Nookie.

Of course, that’s when “Nookie” was born.

The rest of me is 45 today.

Someone asked me yesterday if I’ll be 29 again.


That’s not for me.

I wear my years with pride. A few more pounds, lots more greys (whites) in my hair, a few laugh lines around my eyes, stiffer hip joints, and a chin hair or two…

I’ll take it.

It’s all just an amazing physical journal of my life and adventures. I’ve experienced crazy love, over-the-moon sex, travel to other countries (and all around ours), deep friendships, fantastic kinks, and building the life I want to live for the next 45 years.

In 2018, I’m not buying myself anything.

You see, this year, my birthday gift to myself is Dating Kinky. My team’s deadline for being ready to release is today. And they have met it for me.

After so much craziness over the past two years… I’m about to relaunch for good. With MY code and MY vision and MY hard work.

On Saturday, September 1. Noon, ET.

It’s not perfect.

Like me, it’s a work in progress. But it’s friendly, and it’s thoughtful and it’s welcoming, and it’s going to grow and improve and learn and help people connect and love and…

Well, you’ll see.

Or you wont.

But anyway, happy birthday to Nookie, at 31 and happy birthday to me—all 45 years of me.

Here’s to another 45 and more!

Can Dating Kinky Signal Boost You?

Can Dating Kinky Signal Boost You?

Dating Kinky as an idea is a site all about connecting kinksters for love, sex, romance, dating, play, friendship, cyber (is that even a word, anymore??), or whatever mutually consensual positive things you’re into.

Dating Kinky as a brand is also about education, because me.

I’m Nookie (NookieNotes on FetLife), and I own Dating Kinky. I am an educator. I’ve spent most of my professional life teaching and training and writing (vanilla and non-), and I do what I do in kink because I love a kink world where people understand what it means to kink.

I’ve spent years doing what I do and building a bit of a following, and I’ve recently stepped out of a few safe channels to grow in new areas.

All in all, with FB and FL combined, I have the potential of reaching 110k kinksters with a single post.

(see my FetLife account status posts and Whips, Chains & Duct Tape on Facebook for two examples of places I share)

Of course, that doesn’t always happen, but sometimes, it does reach a few thousand (woohoo!) and really gets some good dialog going. And I as I add more of this type of content, the engagement will grow.

And as I prepare to relaunch, I’ve made it my mission to NOT be the only voice DK pushes forward.

That’s where YOU come in.

Send me links to your awesome content, and I’ll boost your signal, if it fits well with our overall goals of friendly, approachable, non-shaming, awesome kinky and sex-positive stuff.

I will share your links AS THEY ARE.

I’m not looking for guest blogs (yet, that’s a possibility in the future for other boosting), but for direct links to push traffic to YOUR home, to introduce people to you.

That’s it.

No strings.

I mean, yeah, goodwill is awesome. Signal boosts in return are awesome.


It all comes around, somehow.

Got questions? Shoot me a message or a tweet or call. Happy to answer.

Nookie's handwritten signature.


Don’t Believe Everything You Think

Don't believe everything you think.

A friend posted this on Facebook the other day:

I'm judgmental.

I’ve posted before that as humans (or cats, LOL!) not judging is impossible. Especially people and cultures and things we are not familiar with.

And frankly, even as a human who self-describes as an “experience whore,” there are SOOOOOOOO many things I’m not familiar with.


Which is why, every once in a while, I want to remind everyone: don’t believe what you think.

Don’t take it as gospel.

Examine your own thoughts with as much rigor and logic and open-mindedness as you might examine mine. Or “fake news.”

Don’t let the first thing you think be the only thing you think about anything.

It MAY end up being the last thing you think, sure.

But if it’s the ONLY thing you think, you may just miss out on amazing people and experiences and foods and kinks and stuff in your like.