I Am Thankful For Consent Education

Teen Consent

I am thankful that our teens and young adults grew up with a different education on consent and what it means than I did.

I am thankful that they have watched Consent & Tea.

I am thankful that the understanding of how to get consent is ingrained into so many more of them than in my generation.

I am thankful that these are the people who will be making policy and law on this issue soon.

I am thankful for all of this.

And I am hopeful that this will mean fewer consent violations in the future, and that those will be taken more seriously and handled more compassionately.


My reference and inspiration: What Teens Think of the Kavanaugh Accusations

STDs/STIs: More Partners Does NOT Equal More Risk

STDs / STIs

There is a lot of misinformation going around about STDs/STIs, and one of the biggies is “the more sexual partners you have, the higher your risk of having something.”

It seems logical, right?

The more people you have sex with, the more likely you are to catch something.

Nope.

No.

Not at all.

That’s not how science works.

And to be clear, this isn’t what I was actually planning on writing about today. I was going to write about open relationships, and how Mayim Bialik got it all wrong in one video, then got it mostly right in another.

Mayim Bialik gets it wrong.

Mayim Bialik gets it right.

But, as I was reading comments on the second video, I saw quite a few focusing in on the title topic, and remembered a conversation I had on the same topic a while back, and was inspired.

How Risk Of STDs/STIs Works

The relevant statistics are not the number of people you have sex with, but the risk levels of the people you have sex with.

It’s basic disease vector science.

Let’s look at an example of a disease vector I intersected with earlier this year: In late January, early February, the flu was going around. I was quite ill, so I went to the doctor. He thought I might have the flu, but he also thought I might have had a quite severe respiratory infection that may require quarantine.

Now, the reason he thought I might have the flu is obvious: So many people near me in North Carolina had the flu, and I was a breathing human.

However, the reason he had me tested for that nasty respiratory infection was not because I was breathing around so many people in North Carolina, but because I had a 12-hour layout in the Middle East on my way back from Thailand (and naturally had to breathe once or twice while there), and that put me at risk.

The issue was not that I breathed (had sex) but that I breathed (had sex) with a high-risk group multiple times for a period of time, without taking precautions like a mask (condom, papers) that might have reduced my risk to almost nothing.

This is how disease vectors work.

It’s not how many people you breathe around (sleep with).

It’s how many people you breathe around (sleep with) that pose a risk.

AND, factors like personal immunity and health always play a factor as well.

Let’s look at two extreme examples…

First, the person who have had sex 100 times, but only protected sex with untouched virgins.

I’m not sure this person exists, truthfully. However, I’m making a point.

Second, the person who has monogamous unprotected sex with one person (ever) with syphilis.

Who’s more at risk of STDs/STIs?

Obviously, the second person.

(Unless the first person made out with someone with mono, shook hands and then touched their eye with someone who has a herpes outbreak and had just touched their genitals (perhaps in the washroom, without washing, slept on the same sheets as someone with crabs, or ate food carelessly prepared by someone with hepatitis, etc.)

And if that second person has sex multiple times with the same infected partner, their risk increases through multiple exposures.

Still, our faithful here is not 100% guaranteed to get syphilis, based on their having that sex, even multiple times. Some people have immunities and barriers that protect them in ways that are not yet fully understood by science.

Just as some people rarely get sick (I rarely do), and some get sick quite regularly.

So, to recap, it’s not the number of partners you have sex with, it’s how risky your sex is multiplied by their risk factors and so on.

And according to some, that is a HUGE risk, suggesting that even one male partner in his twenties can equal sex with 479,201 people. And that’s one partner.

The fearmongering crowd can be quite vocal.

As they say in finance…

“Past performance does not equal future results.”

Just as in investing, the number of people someone has slept with does not equal their history of STDs/STIs, nor does it suggest that they will continue that exact same rate into the future.

People change. Motivations change. Hormones and desires change.

So, in closing,

You have an absolute right to choose your own safety level for you.

Choosing your personal boundaries when it comes to the sex you have, how safe it is, and what sort of disclosure you want from your partner about current interactions and status is 100% OK.

Just don’t think you can beat actual diagnoses and science by simply totting up their bangs.

Dominants: To Influence, Be Influenced

To Influence, Be Influenced

“Oh great and powerful dominant, bestow upon me the blessing of your attention, the sunlight of your love, and the always-correctness of your counsel.”

If only! LOL!

Actually, I don’t know about y’all, but as a dominant I get first messages like that every day.

It’s not THAT great.

Because any dominant knows that’s not influence. That’s fetish delivery.

Continue reading “Dominants: To Influence, Be Influenced”

I Don’t _______ (With You).

Not With You

I have a list of things I don’t do. And I pull them out and use them when appropriate.

I don’t go offsite with people until I’ve met and connected with them.

I don’t have casual sex.

I don’t play outside of my relationships.

I don”t eat in chain restaurants.

And so on.

And these things are true. Well, mostly true. Like 99% true.

I’ve done them.

I do them.

It’s rare, though. And it takes the perfect situation or combination of factors to make them happen.

And if I say these things or something like it to you, it’s not gonna happen.

You pushed too hard, you gave a weird vibe. I’m not interested in being flexible, or doing that kink.

Because I don’t ____. Or, at least I don’t with you.

Just Be Yourself AND Be More Than That

FUCKITY FUCK Locks

When it comes to dating, people often say, “Just be yourself. Just be authentic.”

The problem with that is that a lot of us suck as humans.

In people, there is no magical STEP-BY-STEP FUCKITY FUCK PROCESS. Humans are not combination locks, to be opened with a series of moves.

And so, we not-so-good-at-being-human humans miss out on the FUCKITY FUCK (or whatever goodness of humanity: hugs, smiles, cuddling, deep love, satisfying orgasms… whatever).

Continue reading “Just Be Yourself AND Be More Than That”

People Lie

People Lie

People lie to me every day. In the strangest ways. I find it fascinating.

Because I don’t just write.

I read.

A LOT.

Every day.

I consciously set time aside to learn about things I’m interested in and things I have no (past) interest in. I want to know more about how the world works.

I also want to more about how people work.

So, I reach out and talk to people.

A LOT OF PEOPLE.

Every day.

I estimated several years ago that I had talked to over 7,500 (new) people in one year.

Just talked.

Some conversations were short.

Many were not.

Some were in person. Some online online.

It’s grown since then.

This morning, alone, I’ve already answered 47 messages (email, FetLife), and I still have many more to go. 9 of them had already replied back at least once before I took a break.

I am fascinated by the human condition, and how we come to be the way we are and why we do what we do.

So, I ask questions in conversation (and obviously have conversations like this) to learn more.

What I’ve found:

People lie for all the reasons you think.

People also lie for all the reasons you’ve never thought of.

People lie about the things you’d expect.

People lie about the strangest, totally unfathomable things.

Or, replace “lie” with “act,” and it’s closer to the truth.

*smiles*

And so do I. And so do you.

Be we’re people. And people lie.

Offer A Hug: Be The Change You Want To See In The World

Offer A Hug!

This morning as I was poking around on my twitter, I stumbled across this tweet thread:

Offer A Hug

This is a thing. I personally grew up with a very physically affectionate mother, and touch is natural to me.

As natural as breathing.

When I meet people, I always offer a hug, instead of a handshake or basic greeting. Even in business.

Let me clear: I don’t dive in for the embrace. I give them the OPTION.

90%+ take it.

Now, as a woman, I do have an advantage of not seeming creepy to most. However, I know men who offer a hug, too.

“I’m a hugger. Do you prefer hugs or another greeting?”

Of course, not ever expecting to sexualize it helps.

BE THE CHANGE.

YMMV. Perhaps start small.

Friends.

“I’m on a mission to hug more and spread joy. You with me?”

I know it will not work for everyone with every person. When it does, though, we all benefit.

The Power Of Expectations

Power of Expectations

My life has for the past couple of days decided to show me the power of expectations.

Life does these things sometimes.

Decides to smack me upside the head with a certain concept until I’m clear, usually when a writing topic is coming up on my calendar.

I didn’t see it coming, and I should have.

Back in April, I was having a conversation with a man who complained quite a bit about people on FetLife being fakes and “full of shit.”

I told him that was not my experience, overall.

He suggested I send some “action” his way. I declined. He then got a bit snippy with me, so I said:

It explains a lot. You treat your interactions with people on here as disposable, and not worth keeping. No wonder people don’t feel connected to you.

I know I don’t feel connected to you, even after a month of back and forth.

I’ll wish you the best in everything you do.

His response:

Lol funny but hey I am sorry my loss. Yes this website is not that important and I admit I could care less about the interactions on here. I honestly do not give a damn. This is all entertainment and funny stuff.

Con now let’s be real this place is a disease speeding bottom feeding meat market. People looking for self esteem they can’t find in the real lives very few exceptions of course. Oh well

He then blocked me.

I saved the messages URL and I scheduled a writing, “You get what you give/expect.”

This week, I’ve had two more experiences.

A man wrote to me praising my writing and me, asking me to do a writing about how many fakes and selfish doms there are on FetLife, and when I demurred, called me a fake and a BSer, and a liar and a narcissist.

Another on Collarspace wrote:

Everything you have been taught goes out the window tonight bitch Get down on your knees and worship your Superior NOW
And if you cant handle it, run to the ignore button coward

I told him my kinks were not compatible with him and wished him the best.

Dont lie. You dont wish me well at all. You women are all the same. Condescending , supercilious bitches

I asked, “Why would I not?”

Because youre a female.

I told him, “Well, believing the way you do only blinds you to the good will around you. That’s not on me. I won’t respond again.”

please respond again, Ill be nice

Neither of these guys had a chance. I won’t pretend they did.

However, both also came in ready for a fight, and did their best to make it happen, because of their expectations.

Yesterday, I came across this amazing NPR article, Can You Affect Another Person’s Behavior With Your Thoughts?

In this piece, the science of expectations is explored, and how what we expect from others colors our behaviors towards them, often shifting their actions in ways we might never think of.

I scheduled it to write on February 12, with the title “The Power of Expectations,” then went to a meeting, where we discussed the business strategy of “rising to expectations,” rather than “sinking into the morass of lowest-common-denominator.”

Seems life was being obvious again, while I was being oblivious.

And then, today, I sit down to write.

“You get what you give/expect” was right there, waiting for me. 

I’m guessing this is a lesson I need to learn more deeply. 

I know I’ve been guilty of expecting less from someone than they could/would offer. I know I’ve expected less of the world than it can provide. I was called on it yesterday by someone FAR more successful than I. 

So, today I’m sharing my life lesson with you, in case you are sometimes as boneheaded as I can be, and you’re stabbing yourself in the foot with your expectations. 

Or, maybe you’re just not using higher expectations of yourself and those around you to your advantage. 

What do you think?