She Needs to Know That You’re CAPABLE of Cruelty

She Needs to Know That You're CAPABLE of Cruelty

Guest Post by _Vidar_ (FetLife link)

“It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.”
Niccolo Machiavelli

That doesn’t sound like a relationship I’d like to be in, either as the giver or reciever of fear, but there’s a kernel of applicable wisdom in there.

Awhile back (I wouldn’t recommend this) my first scenes with a few women were very severe and in every case, we developed interesting relationships that had legs. That was probably part luck, but there was more to it than that. From the outset, my willingness to be brutal was never in question

Continue reading “She Needs to Know That You’re CAPABLE of Cruelty”

The Big Book Of Ass

The Big Book Of Ass: All about anal play and pleasure, including training, communication, safety, and more is the second Dating Kinky Presents book.

This is Nookie’s second book all about butt stuff, the first In Through The Out Door was published in 2015. In The Big Book of Ass, Nookie and kinksters from around the world answer your biggest questions about playing with your (or someone else’s) backside.

Here’s a sneak preview:

The Big Book Of Ass is scheduled to release on July 1, 2019 (watch for giveaways and promotions),  with free downloads on Amazon August 1-3, 2019.

The Big Book of Ass is part of the Dating Kinky Presents series of books, a new book series I’m creating to educate about kink in a friendly and approachable way.

It’s my goal to share not only my own experiences, but the experiences and ideas of other kinksters on each topic. As we all know, there is no WON TWOO WAY, and a variety of voices and perspectives will speak to the amazing variety of kinksters in our community.

If you’d like to receive notifications of new kink book releases, and reminders about when you can download books for free, choose an option below:

Don’t Trust Me

Don't Trust Me

Seriously.

Don’t.

You don’t know me.

(Well, you probably don’t. Most people who read my writings don’t know me. Not well enough to trust me.)

So, don’t.

Don’t take me at my word.

Don’t believe what I say.

Don’t make changes in your life because of me.

Because you don’t really know me. And you don’t know what my purposes are in writing all these…counts…773 blogs.

You don’t know whether I’ve done my research (or whether I’m cherry-picking links) or I’m talking out my ass. Whether I use alternative facts or not. Whether I give two shits (or less) about you and your personal growth, relationship success, or kink endeavors.

I might be trying to subvert the world. Create unthinking automatons. Make kink into the image I see in my head. Or, maybe I want to sow chaos and insanity.

(Sometimes the comments almost convince me of that last one, LOL!)

I may just be WRONG with all the best intentions.

Thing is, I don’t want you to trust me. Not with what I write here. Not even that I look like my pictures.

(I don’t—I really only choose the ones that look FAR better than my daily visage, and that should tell you how hideous I truly am on the street).

Challenge me.

Fact-check me.

Look for ways to prove me wrong.

Make up your own damn mind.

Or don’t. That’s your right also.

I’m just telling you that I don’t want you to trust me.

Unless I earn it.

Image by Анна Куликова from Pixabay

Two Views On Women’s Tears: Your Thoughts?

Two Views On Women's Tears: Your Thoughts?

Compare and contrast these two belief systems and reactions…

In a message on FetLife, to me:

why men are strong because first thing men don’t cry, not stereotyping ladies but I think what ladies need to learn is to hold tears very well. your tears and your beliefs are your energy.

And this conversation on the men’s dominance forums I participate in:

P SAID:

S’s pleasures shifted also to deep emotional feelings as I fucked her in a caressing way, face to face, eye to eye, it was very powerful and deeply bonding, S capitulated into tears as I turned her on her side to face me. Me telling S to keep crying, to keep orgasming from her eyes, to let it all out, to feel herself being cleansed as the tears flowed.

I then kissed S’s tears saying I was making it all better now, that she was safe, that I was looking after her, to continue to keep orgasming from her eyes, it was very powerful and moving as I moved S to a relaxed state, with S’s pussy continuing to throb, me telling S to stop orgasming, all the way, all the way down, slowly stopping, all the way down, stopped. S’s orgasms and throbbing stopping right on cue, as I said it.

THEN L SAID:

It breaks a huge taboo.

All our lives, as women we are shamed for being emotional. We are told our emotions prove we’re weak. We are especially taught that it is unacceptable to cry in front of another person.

To take pleasure from crying? Fucking huge taboo!

Talk about forcing her to reveal her deepest darkest self! Talk about making her feel accepted on a level that seems beyond the humanly possible. Talk about insane intimacy.

What are your thoughts?

Which of these is more empowering to you? Do either strike you as wrong or right, or just different perspectives? How do you value your own tears?

If you’re willing to share your gender with your views, please do.

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

Hello FetLife Newbies!

I received a message the other day asking if I take requests for writing topics. I do, actually and I said so.

This is what they sent:

I would really like to know how one is supposed to break into this “exclusive” club on fetlife. It feels really clique-filled, which is sort of difficult to navigate without ideas of social structure. It’s truly an odd thing to be new at something I’ve thought about/been about my whole life. Am I creepy? Is my profile filled out enough? Do I HAVE to go to events to make friends? These are the difficult questions, because fetlife feels so exclusionary I am afraid to message most people.

This is not the first time I’ve been asked questions like this, but it is the first time I’ve been asked to write about it, versus just answering a few questions, so here goes:

FetLife is the Wild West of kink. We very much have our own codes, but those codes can be radically different from group to group and person to person.

Which, for those who feel a bit unsure, can indeed be quite daunting.

And yes, there are cliques. Or at least, there are groups that exclude others. They may not do it intentionally. After all, the way I speak to certain people on here is different than others, because I’ve met those people, I’ve gotten various forms of consent, I’ve probably hugged them, and often I’ve seen them in various stages of undress.

That is a bond with shared references that others cannot join, unless they too were there or have an opportunity to be there at some point soon.

And consent is often the barrier to entry here on FetLife.

Which seems weird to most who don’t understand consent other than “Can I touch your butt?”

Am I creepy?

Maybe you are.

I don’t know for sure.

However, asking this question is a good sign that you’re not. Or at least that you care.

I think the important thing about creepy is knowing what creepy actually is and is not.

Creepy is not asking someone to play and accepting a “No,” graciously. Your advances may have been unwanted (we all go through that), but accepting the decline is NOT creepy.

Creepy is verbally or physically objectifying someone whose consent you don’t have. UBER Creepy is doing that AND getting graphically sexual:

Not Creepy: What an amazing photo of you. You look absolutely stunning.
Creepy: WoW! I can’t take my eyes off those amazing tits!
UBER Creepy: I would suck those tits for hours and make you scream in ecstasy.

Of course, if the person posting captions their photo with something giving blanket consent for objectification and sexualization, well, then, go ahead. That won’t be creepy.

If not, don’t do it. Even if others are. Even on FetLife. Even if you think “Well, what do they expect?”

Is my profile filled out enough?

This is all about preferences.

If you’re on here to make friends, that may be more easily done one-on-one, without putting a ton of effort into your profile.

If you’re using FetLife like a dating site (which, BTW, will turn off many Fetizens), then I’d suggest you fill it out more.

What is more?

Enough to say what you think people would want to know about you, perusing your profile. Enough to give a sense of your personality, sense of humor, interests.

It doesn’t have to be War And Peace, like my profile. Maybe a few lines about who you are and what you like and an invitation to connect is enough.

And it is enough, when it’s well-written and genuine.

Do I HAVE to go to events to make friends?

No.

BUT…

This is what you will hear over and over, and for good reason.

FetLife is not a dating site. On purpose. It is our Facebook.

So, just like most people (MOST) don’t troll around Facebook sliding up into someone’s profile looking to get wet and slippery, that is not expected here.

By some, sure.

However, if you use FetLife like an internet dating site, assuming everyone here is looking for something (worse is assuming they are looking for something YOU have), then you’re going to run afoul of social expectations.

So, FetLife is actually set up more for people who already have met in some way to find each other on here and keep up with each other.

And getting out to events and meeting people in person is actually sort of anti-creepy. Sure, you can creep in person. Many do. However, making friends and going to events is a way to actually see others as humans (rather than sexual objects—or as sexual objects if you are both into that) and to bee seen as a real life human yourself.

So, benefits.

…because FetLife feels so exclusionary I am afraid to message most people.

There is an easy formula to message people and get more positive than negative reactions:

[Greeting of some kind.][UserName],
I was perusing your profile, and I [indicate interest without sexual overtones]. I was particularly interested in [what caught your interest], [give a reason]. [Ask a question about it, or start a conversation for them to respond to.]
[Introduce yourself.]
Is there a name or title besides UserName you prefer?
Have a fantabulous day!
[UserName or preferred name signature]

So, for example:

Good morning UserName,

(the use of a username here shows respect in both specificity and in not assuming titles or kink roles)

I was perusing your profile and I find you fascinating, and, frankly, amazingly attractive. I was particularly interested in your statement about hedgehog racing, since I’ve had an interest in that area for years, and I’ve always wanted to learn more. What got you into that?

  • (Fascinating, amazingly attractive: indicators of romantic interest. Hedgehog racing: potential connection. ‘What got you into that?’ is an invitation to continue the conversation.)*

Oh, and pardon my enthusiasm. I’m NookieNotes, and I’m ever so happy to make your acquaintance.

(Introduction.)

Is there a name or title besides UserName you prefer?

  • (Respect. Asking after titles or preferred names, rather than making an assumption, treating the receiver as a valuable human with a right to be unique.)*

Have a fantabulous day!
Nookie

Of course, you’d write in your own style, focusing on what you genuinely find fascinating or interesting.

MOST people will respond positively or at least neutrally (no response) to an effort like this, rather than negatively, and you will have a chance at making friends.

Hopefully, I’ve at least given you a bit of encouragement.

It’s really not all that difficult. It’s just peopling like you actually like the people you’re peopling with.

Which, to be fair, can be difficult some days.

But those are the days to just step away from the keyboard and come back some other time.

And, if you’d like a few more ideas on how to connect, here are some of my favorite suggestions (some are FetLife links—not yet moved to this blog):

Just Be Yourself! A Simple Guide To Winning

Just Be Yourself

What if you suck?

I mean, some people suck—and not in a good way. So, better advice is:

Step 1: Be awesome.

Step 2: Be your awesome self.

What if you’re not awesome?

Well, why aren’t you?

I’ve found most people are pretty damn awesome when they put sincere effort into it.

What if you don’t want to put sincere effort into being awesome?

Well, then you’re probably an asshole.

The rules still apply, you’re just choosing to ignore them. And so, there’s no complaining allowed.

After all, you could just put in the effort to be awesome.

What if you’re putting in the effort to be awesome, but you’re not awesome yet?

If you’re really putting in the effort to be awesome, then you are awesome. Maybe people just haven’t recognized it, yet. Keep it up.

Just in case, though, feel free to ask people and listen to their feedback.

And if you’re not willing to listen, you’re probably not putting in a sincere effort to be awesome.

See “What if you don’t want to put sincere effort into being awesome?” above.

Oh, I See. It’s For MY Protection.

Oh, I See. It's For MY Protection.

After some random dude sent me a clear list in his second message to me of the types of lovers I’d be expected to take as his cuckoldress:

  • Young
  • Fit
  • Large/Well-endowed
  • Dedicated
  • Black
  • And etc.

I replied:

I do not subscribe to any relationship where someone gets to tell me what kind of lovers to take.

Nor, would I tell them what kind of lovers to take or not, unless we negotiated those restrictions together, for mutual pleasure.

Best of luck in everything.

Now, I know not everyone believe in 100% personal autonomy in relationships, ESPECIALLY in D/s relationships.

I get that.

I do me just fine, and if you doing you gets in the way of me doing me, we just won’t do together.

No hard feelings.

No denigration (from me).

Just no “doing.”

So, I do my best to be clear and honest, without sounding ‘poly-er-than-thou’ or TEH UBER CUCKOLDRESS (if that’s their line), and simply decline.

Well, this one thought I was calling him “oppressive and a controlling partner,” and felt a need to explain himself.

Along with stating he wanted control over who I might sleep with in this fictional relationship he contacted me about starting up, which I had already declined (quite politely, I think) he went on to say that he screens and carefully selects, has preferences as to physical type, age and race, and dropped this bomb:

“It’s protecting my woman is what I call it. I value safety, privacy and good heath.”

Oh, well that makes all the difference, doesn’t it?

It’s not about what he wants, really. Or about his insecurities. Or about cuckolding being woman-driven.

It’s about protecting HIS WOMAN.

Which I am not, and yet, he felt a need to tell me all of his requirements in detail. Much like you might search for a set of speakers on Amazon to fit a specific niche in your home.

Sure, I get that if it’s not a fit, it’s faster to do that and just move on. I PREACH this shit. Daily.

But don’t pretend it’s about protecting me.

It’s your kink. Cool.

It’s not protection.

I’m 45 years old. I’ve made more in all of my long-term relationships (except one) than my partners (by far—I was the breadwinner for 20 years).

I’ve traveled the country and internationally alone by trains, planes, automobiles, bus, hitchhiking, ships, and 18-wheelers.

[I’ve only once had bad sex.][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/3606036]

I’ve never been outed or stalked by someone I chose to be intimate with.

I’ve never been attacked by violently a man in a relationship. I have in actual fight training and in two attempted rapes (one had a knife), and I beat them off.

I’ve never gotten an STI/STD aside from HSV-1, which I was born with.

I’ve met complete strangers for dates and sex in strange cities, and have come out alive (I did take precautions).

And yet, this man thinks that entering into a relationship with a dominant woman into cuckolding means that I will somehow suddenly need his protection.

So, I said to him, “As the dominant in my relationships, I protect myself and my partner. I also appreciate protection. I do not, however, feel that having my sexual choices made for me is any sort of protection, because I do not feel that anyone cares more about my wellness and health than I do.”

Which is when he let me down gently, and told me that we could be friends, but that a “meaningful relationship” was out of the picture.

cries

Ok, I feel better now.

What are your thoughts on protection?

I don’t deny that there are amazing benefits to protection, both mutual and one-way.

To me, this goes back to the idea of negotiating those protections/restrictions together as a relationship grows, and as they are needed/wanted.

Where is YOUR line? What takes from protection (for example) to oppressive and controlling self-interest?

Image from KELLEPICS on pixabay.

The Healthy Boundaries Series, I: Emotional Intimacy

Healthy Boundaries

I’ve been asked quite a lot about personal boundaries and how to set them, how to recognize what is a healthy boundary and how to enforce the boundaries we have.

I’ve been kind of noodling on this for a while, and I feel like I’ve got a good idea of how to tackle it, now, so I’m going to start with a biggie: Intimacy—in this case, emotional intimacy.

In each part of this series, I’m going to give examples of a boundary being too soft, too hard, and what a healthy boundary level looks like.

I’m also VERY open to your thoughts and opinions and questions as we go, including suggestions on other boundaries that you’d like to see covered.

Let’s start!

Too Soft Boundaries in Intimacy

People with soft intimacy boundaries tell way too much too soon about their personal lives, often either scaring people off or signaling they are vulnerable to less-than-pure intentions.

They are commonly referred to as “oversharers.”

It’s more than that, though, because there are many ways to be open and transparent without necessarily having weak intimacy boundaries.

It’s often a combination of oversharing AND making themselves overly vulnerable to people who have not yet matched their level of investment and disclosure in a relationship.

Too Hard Boundaries in Intimacy

These people avoid any vulnerability or closeness in relationships, period. Many avoid emotional relationships altogether, usually to their detriment, as it leads to loneliness and a sense of alienation/isolation.

This is often the result of being hurt in the past, and it’s totally understandable. It’s still not healthy.

Sure, this could be good for a time of healing, and reflection. However, never stepping back out of that hard shell will ultimately stifle your experience in life.

Healthy Boundaries in Intimacy

These people value their own thoughts and opinions, while also being open to others.

They share pieces of their life, and look for others to share in return, creating an evened-out give-and-take of vulnerability and deepening of the connection.

They’ve probably thought about about what and how much they’re willing to share with “just anyone,” and what they prefer to keep to themselves until they know people better, and they stick to those personal boundaries, even under pressure, or when they REALLY want someone to like them.

They realize that sharing too much, too fast can overburden and stress others, leaving them in an awkward and uncomfortable position.

They also protect their own well-being by being clear when they don’t want to be involved. This may be because they don’t currently have the bandwidth, or because they feel like it’s none of their business.

People with healthy intimacy boundaries share without expectations, and don’t feel that they MUST return any specific reaction when others share their own stories. It’s all about consent and personal investment, and they invest based on what they’re willing to offer of themselves at any given time.

What are your thoughts?

What can you add to this conversation?

Do you find yourself often in one of the not-as-healthy patterns? If so, what can you do, to make it feel more healthy to you? How could you practice healthy boundary setting and maintenance?

Did I miss anything that you feel should be added?