Successful Relationships, Step 1: Pick The Right Person

Pick The Right Person

In my years of studying people in and out of relationships, there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that stands out as more important than picking the right person to relationship with.

When we mesh with others in the most fundamental ways, we thrive.

When we are constantly having to battle to get our needs met, to be heard, to assert ourselves, we psychically waste away.

But sometimes, I think this idea is misunderstood, much like much of the sage advice given out about relationships and love.

People think the right person is THE ONE, or some sort of magical creature that will just “get us,” without any effort on our part. That they are a potential singularity amount the billions of people on earth, and finding that needle in a needle stack is a daunting challenge.

And, in some ways, it’s right. That’s what’s so insidious about the idea.

It’s not that they are the only one possible, but it feels like it once we do get it right, and many of us stop looking then. It DOES feel like magic, especially in the early stages, when a word connects us so simply and eagerly, augmented by hormones and lust and such. And each of us is totally unique. There will never be another JUST LIKE THIS ONE.

All true.

But also, not the whole truth.

The Right Partner will sometimes be The Wrong Partner.

Like last night, when my Pet of nearly 6 years realized that I’m not a huge fan of wasabi.

Good thing I had my boobs on display and could jiggle them a bit to remind him of the most important things in life.

Crisis averted!

On a more serious note, though, humans are complex creatures. We have layers and depths created from our many years of living, and SOMETHING is gonna come out (maybe after years, even decades of relationshipping) that is a potential deal breaker.

Or could develop.

  • Anger issues related to housework
  • Sex and intimacy issues
  • Perhaps we get silent and fume in response to feeling humiliated
  • Or have major insecurity issues related to _____

And these may never actually come up, until a relationship is long term, when the pressure is greater, and the investment of time and energy is higher.

And, let’s be real.

The shoe is often on the other foot.

Sometimes WE are The Wrong Partner.

For our very own special blend of reasons. And of course, it’s perfectly reasonable when it’s us. Except it’s no more reasonable than when it’s them. We just justify ourselves better (in general).

But even when we are wrong, our Right Partners might just stick around long enough for us to right ourselves, just as we might for them.

Through thick and thin, indeed. As long as thick is not abuse, and thin is not neglect, right?

It’s as simple as “Pick the right partner…”

…And as complex as actually doing that.

It’s looking for the right reactions to share in common, rather than the right movies.

It’s not ignoring red flags because we’re lonely.

It’s not being someone else or less than we are because we “don’t want to scare them off.”

It’s not doing what’s expected, because family.

It is being the right person, too (which is both authentic AND difficult mental work, all at the same time).

When Men Cock Block Themselves

When Men Cock Block Themselves

I usually write from a calendar of ideas and inspiration. Right now, mine is full through sometime in October.

But, sometimes, I write what’s on my my mind RIGHT NOW. Or I write about something that keeps coming up over and over. Because, I figure if it’s a recurring theme, it’s banging me on my noggin, saying, “TIME TO WRITE ME!”

This is one of those times.

So, the past couple of weeks, I’ve had conversations with several of my girlfriends about the idea of men just getting in their own damn way—cock blocking themselves.

Like, we like them.

We’re attracted to them.

We want to sex them.

Then, they kill our lady boners flat ded with some idiotic remark we can’t unhear.

Continue reading “When Men Cock Block Themselves”

Rejection Often Reveals The Truth

Rejection Often Means The Truth

Back in June of 2018, I wrote a piece about “time served in the lifestyle,” and how it is not necessarily an indicator of quality, experience, goodness, etc.

@StandandTwirl commented on FetLife:

Save plenty of time and reject a Dom. He will reveal his true nature once he feels rejected. How he handles rejection or disappointment is very telling. Truth be told a Dom doesn’t identify himself, his submissive does.

In my view, the same thing about rejection could be said about anyone, on either side of the slash or anywhere in the world, really.

In fact, rejection is often an amazing tool that exposes the truth of the real person behind the masks, and I make use of it early in conversations with new people.

That doesn’t mean I tell them “no” just to see what happens.

That’s disingenuous and puts me in an ethically shaky position, myself, which is no bueno.

So, what do I do?

  • I disagree with something (that I actually disagree with), clearly and with conviction.
  • I don’t move my schedule around, and I make it clear that I am busy, and we will have to find the RIGHT time for both of us.
  • I tell them when a boundary might be an issue. As soon as I think it.

And this often (not always) results in a mask dropping and an ugly truth emerging.

To be honest, when this happens, I’m often pleased. After all, I now know that I don’t have to waste my time with a thin-skinned, easily offended, insecure twatwaffle.

And that’s a good thing.

Not that kind of good thing.

Well, maybe, now that Martha is hanging with Snoop Dogg…

grins

And those who don’t react in ugly ways to disagreement also make me happy, of course. Because we’ll be able to enjoy all different types of discussion and idea exchanges.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Pssst! You’re Leaking Power.

Pssst! You're Leaking Power.

Right here. *points*

You might want to get that looked at.

Where?

Right here. You see this right here? *points to the issue*

That’s it. That’s where your leak is. Can’t you feel it? It looks like it hurts.

No. No. There’s no leak there.

There really is. I can see it, and so can everyone else. They are walking way around it to avoid the fallout.

Are you SURE you don’t feel that? *looks unconvinced*

Nothing is leaking. I don’t feel a thing.

starts looking a bit concerned

Yes. I’m sure. Let’s get this patched up for you.

First, we have to figure out what this is all about.

What, exactly are you trying to say here in this sentence? *points to the comment on the screen*

Well, that I don’t like that thing.

I see. That’s totally valid. That’s not the issue, then.

We’ll have to look deeper. What about that thing don’t you like?

It’s unfair.

Oh. Now we’re getting somewhere. Unfair. Got it. What’s unfair about this thing?

Well, I can’t have it. And I want it. And other people seem to get it. And I can’t see why. And I deserve it.

Ahhh. I see the issue, now.

I like to use the analogy of leaking to poke fun at dominance and power and how easily they seem to be damaged by everyday things.

Continue reading “Pssst! You’re Leaking Power.”

Validation: A Human Need

Validation

Over this past weekend, as I was in Jacksonville to teach, a writing of mine popped back up for a spate of attention.

The Needs Hierarchy

Which, interestingly, I was going to talk about in my class that afternoon, and bring up in many classes I teach as an illustrative example.

@James-P commented on the post, about validation, and offered that validation is a basic human need. I asked questions, and the conversation went less than spectacularly, however…

He has a point.

And a good one.

In the original article I did not presume to map out any human needs or wants, as I feel that tends to be innately personal.

However, the idea of validation as a human need is worth writing about, so here I am.

Continue reading “Validation: A Human Need”

It’s VERY Difficult To Offend Me

It's VERY Difficult To Offend Me

It’s hard to offend me. I tell people this a lot, usually when they are doing that verbal warning thing about something that’s about to come out of their mouth being offensive.

I simply say, “It’s really hard to offend me. Just say it.”

And it’s true.

I don’t get offended much.

There are things I don’t like to hear, because they go against not only what I believe, but what I stand for as a person, and the people I also stand for.

For example, I run a Women In Charge group on Facebook, and we get a lot of people attracted to the group who are into Female Supremacy.

I’m not.

And I don’t allow it in my group.

Continue reading “It’s VERY Difficult To Offend Me”

Let’s Debate: Sex—Quiet? Or Loud (And Let’s Wake The Neighbors!)?

Let's Debate: Sex—Quiet? Or Loud (And Let's Wake The Neighbors!)?

Sure, sure, I get it.

There are times when you just CAN’T let ‘er rip.

Maybe the kids are asleep, or you folks are staying for the holidays.

Or, maybe those things don’t bother you at all.

They do bother some people, though, as this young lady recounts:

I am loud in bed. It is hardwired, always was.

All my life I have been a bit self conscious about being loud. It is what it is and in the end, who cares what the neighbors say? Right? I have countless hours with my face deep into a pillow. Trust me.

One new lover recently on the first and only encounter got so put off by it that he shrank to nothing. He asked me NOT to make any noises please…and just lay still.

I was blown away. I tried to be a silent statue as he wished but did not work for me. It all ended there. That was a new one for me.

What are your thoughts?

Given the perfect scenario of no one around to hear, no chance of being walked in on or discovered…

  • Would you prefer loud or soft?
  • How loud is too loud?
  • What about talking? Dirty talking?
  • Laughing yay or nay?

And in not-so-perfect circumstances, if you like loud, what are your guidelines for keeping it down and still having a great time?

I look forward to your replies.

Needs VS. Wants: Which Are Which And Who, What?

Saturday evening in my Alpha Submissive Class for The Academy in Georgetown, SC, I brought up the Hierarchy of Needs as an illustrative point on the foundation of trust within a power exchange relationship.

I’ve received several follow-up messages about the idea from that class, which I began responding to this morning.

Looking at my writing calendar, I also found a link to this piece:

Needs vs Wants Hierarchy in a M/s relationship

That I’d added in to remind me to delve a bit deeper into the idea of what is a need and what is a want in a relationship.

What are needs?

To clarify, these are needs within a relationship, beyond the basic need to breathe, eat, have clean water, etc.

Continue reading “Needs VS. Wants: Which Are Which And Who, What?”