The shit you HAVE to do in relationships…

The shit you HAVE to do in relationships…

Pretty often, in comments I get a specific thought posted in varied words from numerous sources.

I HAVE to do ______ (and I don’t want to), to find/have/keep a relationship.

And there is often an example:

I’d rather be playing a video game/reading a book/chilling with friends, but instead I have to TALK things through (or whatever).

If this rings true to you, I have one question:


If you want to play your video game/read your book/chill with your friends, do it. Maybe that’s your brain telling you you’re not ready to discuss whatever, and it’s going to feel like shit, instead of having a loving conversation.

Or maybe you’re avoiding it because the relationship (or at least that part of it) it’s not a good fit, and it’s going to go to hell in a handbasket anyway. Or because you know you’re not emotionally ready for whatever it is.

Obviously, I don’t know who is reading this now, or how you are feeling about this.

These thoughts are not digs at you or your character.

Just general things that might be true besides “I have to do a bunch of shit I don’t want to,” which sounds to me like a fucking awful way to describe a relationship need, and something I would not want in my life.

And there are a ton of things you may or may not want to do:

  • Attend work functions.
  • Go antiquing.
  • Hang out with that one friend you don’t really care for.
  • Have sex.

To put it another way:

Can you imagine a relationship where you WANT to do everything you can to make the other person feel happy and secure, because you feel the happiest and most secure you ever have?

Because that’s what I’m talking about.

That’s the goal I’m suggesting.

And maybe it takes one of you to make that effort.

Or maybe you’re not going to last, and it’s up to you to stop doing things you don’t want to, and to end it as kindly and compassionately as possible.

I don’t know any of that either.

Just musing on the idea that a relationship full of shit you don’t want to do (but that you do and feel resentful about) is probably a doomed relationship anyway.

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