When Do You Put In The Effort?

Effort

In a polyamory group I participate in, I had a very cool discussion about listening in relationships. Here’s how it went:

OP:

Do you expect your partners to provide emotional support/listen when you need to vent? If so, do you have that expectation towards all of your partners or just your primary/the person who is best at listening/etc? If not, how and where do you satisfy the need for said emotional support?

I’ve been told that it’s best not to expect anything from relationships and just take them for what they are, but I find this approach rather difficult to apply in real life. Especially with people who seem to expect emotional labour from me but aren’t willing or don’t have the skills to reciprocate.

My original response:

I don’t have specific expectations for interaction.

However, if a relationship with a partner does not make me fell like I get FAR more out of it than I put in (and the other should feel that way, also), I simply let it go. We’re not a fit.

OP responded:

So, essentially you want people who will willingly put the work in and listen without you having to ask for it?

My reply:

Sometimes. Everyone is different.

I will ask, if other things in the relationship give me reason to believe that they are worth the effort.

It’s very much a balance. Are they putting effort into me that shows that maybe their failings are simply not knowing better, rather than narcissism and selfishness?

OP asks again:

That’s interesting. So, let me know if I understand correctly: if someone is otherwise a good partner, you are willing to accept the fact that they’re not a great listener and not the best person to provide support and comfort you?

My reply:

Not at all.

I’m willing to accept the fact that they are not NOW a great listener, but with some gentle coaching and encouragement, might become one in pursuit of the relationship that we both share and enjoy.

Not listening is not just a flaw, it’s a sure sign to me (over time) that they actually don’t care what I have to say.

And sometimes, they just don’t know HOW to care, that way, or why. So I’ll say something, and see if they choose to move towards me or away with their response.

It’s about a balance of efforts. Do they make me feel good enough within the relationship that I’m willing to put in the effort to make it extraordinary?

I love discussions like this, because the questions help me dig deeper into my own reasoning, and clarify my thoughts.

In this case, it was a clear “A-HA” for me about when I put in the effort… and in the past 4 months or so since, I’ve seen this popping up with clear lines of demarcation in very many spaces (not just relationships).

What are your reactions to this discussion? When do you put in the effort?

Oh HELL Yeah! According To Studies, Sex CAN Make You Happier, Overall

Sex Makes You Happier

Whew!

And I thought it was all in my head.

LOL! No, I really didn’t. I have know since I was… well, since I started having sex that sex makes me happier, more creative, more engaging, more energetic, more loving, more tolerant, healthier, and probably a gadzillion things more that I am not bringing to mind right now.

Now, there are people studying this shit and proving it. Continue reading “Oh HELL Yeah! According To Studies, Sex CAN Make You Happier, Overall”

What If… You Don’t Need To Fix It?

Maybe You're Not Broken

What if… they are not broken?

What if… you are not broken?

What if… it’s important to experience negative emotions and a full range of emotional expression?

WHY do we always want to brighten our moods? To be more productive? To seem like we are in a better place than we are? To be happy?

Happiness is the new religion everyone chases and proselytizes.

I can say this: Happiness is NOT ALWAYS what’s good for us.

I have made that mistake for myself in the past.

I liken it to dieting. ONE FOOD is not good for me. My body needs biodiversity.

Our brains are the same.

We need to feel many different types of emotions, it allows us our full expression and awareness of ourselves and the world around us.

Anthony Robbins has this talk about how most people feel 4-5 emotions on a regular basis:

  • Sad
  • Angry
  • Happy
  • In Love
  • Annoyed

Lets say those are your five. And you cycle through those day after day, day in, day out.

Whatever comes along, you have to fit it in there, because you are in a rut, and these are the well-worn pathways in your brain.

Out of those five, if you’re not happy or in love, you’re sad, angry, or annoyed.

You see the problem here?

But what if you add in:

  • Content
  • Silly
  • Joyful
  • Lustful
  • Cranky
  • Perplexed
  • Dissatisfied
  • Mischievous
  • Proud
  • Furious
  • Thoughtful
  • Romantic
  • Thankful
  • Needy
  • Determined

Emotions are there for a reason.

To teach us about the world and how we feel about it. To point out things that are wrong and things that are right. To give the the green/yellow/red for our entire life’s experience.

There are so many different emotions to experience. Why would we want to choose only happiness above all others?

Why would you want to choose that for someone else?

You are not broken.

You just need a safe place to be, until you are good with yourself or have a direction to move forward.

They are not broken.

They just need you to be a safe place for them to be with you, until they are good with themselves or have a direction to move forward.

A Perspective: Life Will NOT Get Better

Life Will Not Get Better

Life is life. It’s been going on for millennia.

You will get better at life.

Or you won’t.


How does this shift in thought hit you? Truth? Not your truth?

I’m crazy busy today, and my writing topic just got put off until August sometime (the current end of my calendar), because I’m not ready for it.

So, I share this thought that hit me the other day, and has been rolling around in my mind.

*smiles*

Behavior Modification: The Ethics Of Conditioning/Behavior Modification

Behavior Modification Psitive Vs. Negative.

I speak about Behavior Modification quite a bit, and I joke that the key to understand about it is that it happens whether you intend it to or not.

Read more here: Behavior Modification: It Happens (Exercise 11)

However, happening naturally, as you and your partner(s) yourselves to each other is quite different from intentional manipulation.

And when I say “manipulation,” I mean BeMod with intent, not necessarily malice. There are many GOOD reasons to manipulate a situation or a person, just as there are selfish, controlling and harmful ways.

However, no matter the good intentions, ethics say if it’s done intentionally, you MUST have consent. Continue reading “Behavior Modification: The Ethics Of Conditioning/Behavior Modification”

It’s A Rare Cure That Cannot Be Used For Ill As Well

Cure or Ill?

Medicine saves lives.

Used for ill, it can end them.

The same is true for kink and relationship advice. Even my own. Maybe especially my own.

I have said many times that I am nuerodivergent. My brain does not work like the ideal norm. This makes me a different thinker than most. And what works for me is not what will work or even be desired by others. Continue reading “It’s A Rare Cure That Cannot Be Used For Ill As Well”

Strengthening Your Personal Intuition About Others

"Intuition is a very powerful thing, more powerful than intellect." Steve Jobs

So, as many of you know, I went to Thailand in January to a sexual hypnosis and slave training seminar. Which was AMAZING!

The first seminar was really a personal power seminar. I’ve been calling it “Master Yourself Before You Master Others,” or “How Not To Install Your Neuroses In Your Slave.”

LOL!

Some of the work we did involved strengthening our intuition, and choosing people from a crowd to interact with, that have the qualities we are looking for. It was incredibly powerful for the participants who had not done anything like that before, or even imagined it could be done.

And since I’ve returned, conversations keep returning to topics such as knowing who to trust, how to pick the right partner in the lifestyle, and more.

And I’ve been telling myself that I need to write and record that session for the lifestyle.

So I did. And I’m giving it to you. In audio and written format.

The reason I’m giving you this in both formats is so you can either listen to me, or have someone record it for you in their voice (your dominant, a good friend), or so you can edit it to suit you and your subjects (if you have experience in hypnosis) before recording. You could also record it for yourself, if you prefer that.

Before the links, a bit about hypnosis…

What is hypnosis?

Hypnosis or trance is simply a state of focus. It’s a headspace that allows communication with your subconscious more effectively than when you are running around doing a million things.

How will it feel?

It’s different to everyone. If you’ve experienced guided meditation, it will likely feel a bit like that to you. You may feel incredibly relaxed, and more in touch with your body. You may feel a bit bored.

Just like a flogging, different people will experience it differently. And that’s OK.

Just understand it’s able to work for you, no matter how you experience it.

Can you make me do things I don’t want to?

Simply put, no. However, because I’m interacting with your subconscious directly, I can potentially make you do anything you want to subconsciously want to do, even if you don’t consciously want to and might regret it in a conscious state.

This is another reason I give you the written version. So you know my script, or can record it yourself, to avoid any potential funny business.

In most hypno sessions, I would include comments about how good hypnosis feels to you, and how every moment you spend in hypnosis increases your desire to be hypnotized, or something…

But I don’t know you, and I don’t have consent for that, so none of that is in here.

Will it work for me?

Good question! Yes, I believe it will. But what I believe doesn’t matter. As mentioned above, you have to want this to work for you, at least subconsciously, and agree to my helping you (or whoever might record this for you).

If you don’t trust me (in this) or the person who hypnotizes you, you won’t accept the suggestions given, and they will do nothing for you.

So, don’t sign a million-dollar business deal after listening to this once, and thinking your intuition is perfect now. Still take precautions, and grow in your strength a bit at a time.

You wouldn’t start working out and lift 500 pounds immediately. This is the same thing.

However, if you do accept the suggestions, and possibly listen multiple times, you will find yourself making better decisions more often, and recognizing bad decisions and situations with people more quickly.

Why are you doing this?

Because I believe in hypnosis, and I feel strongly this is something that the community as a whole could benefit from.

Now, the files.

  • A Bit About Hypnosis: link
  • Intuition Hypnosis Script: link
  • Intuition Hypnosis MP3: link

Can I share this?

YES! Please. Please include all three files (one is the information about hypnosis from up there ^^^, so that people can know what to expect and get the most out of the written file or recording).

If you would also give attribution, that would be great:

By NookieNotes on FetLife and DatingKinky.com

But that’s not necessary. It is in the files.

And, it goes without saying that if you alter the files, they are then your responsibility, whether they still have my name on them or not. Oh, and I make no promises, claims, and these are for entertainment purposes only. I have to say that. Also, this recording is not meant to be super-professional. I recorded it to share with you with minimal editing.

Image: Vincent Brown, CC2.0

Writing Prompt: What Do You Pursue And Why?

What Do You Pursue?

I haven’t posted a writing prompt in a while, but the past few months have kept throwing things into my path, suggesting that not only do I need to, but I need to start a new project.

You see, I got a new planner for Christmas from my Pet, and I’d just started looking into Bullet Journaling (for those interested, here and here are two great articles about it). I wanted to not only organize myself better, but have a place for my thoughts.

Since then, I’ve seen a ton of journals pre-started for you with writing prompts on a particular topic: romance, fitness, creativity, writing… and each time, I’ve thought, “Oh! Wouldn’t a kink journal be cool?”

And that thought flitted through my brain and out again, like so many.

Then, I came upon some questions that really touched me, related to self-reliance, and I shared them with a few friends. EVERY time, the conversation turned to kink journaling, and writing prompts for kinksters.

So, here I am. Committing to writing more kinky writing prompts. LOL!

The Prompt

Is there anything in kink that people have told you is a “must-do,” “must-learn,” or “must-think” that really doesn’t resonate with you, but that you have continued to try or to consider, simply because others say it is necessary?

At what point do we determine our kinky lives for ourselves, rather than following the “common wisdom”?

Feel free to write in the comments or in your own journal and link here (so others can read it), or just think on it or write on it and keep it to yourself, if you prefer.

Write a sentence. Or a paragraph. Or an essay. Or whatever this is to you. Talk it out. Make it yours.

Of COURSE I Lie!

Of Course I Lie

I lie. I have written quite a few pieces about lying, and how it’s really just not acceptable, and people say to me, “But everyone lies,” like that is the perfect defense for lying.

It’s not.

“But you lie, Nookie! You just said so. Right up there! ^^^^”

Yes, you are right. I do lie.

I have never met a human that doesn’t lie sometimes. EVER. I have met humans that SAY they never lie. My experience with them proved otherwise every time. In fact, that seems to be the biggest lie of all.

I am, however, a recovering pathological liar, someone who compulsively told lies or fabricated information out of habit.

It was easy for me.

Now, I find lying in most ways to be very difficult. I’m terrible at it. People laugh at me.

Except in a few areas.

The Tall Tale

Oh, do I love to spin yarns! I love to tell stories, and use them as examples when I teach and to entertain. I use hyperbole. Often and on purpose, to make my points. This is a form of lying, as I’m not being 100% truthful in implying that maybe something is greater than it is. And it’s generally accepted as OK. But it’s still a lie, and I use it unrepentantly.

The Dramatization

I believe in drama. I use the word drama, despite knowing that people are hurt by it, because it perfectly describes a healthy part of human interaction. Drama, like hyperbole, can be a way to connect with those around you and with your own feelings.

I overdramatize a small pain, like soreness and stiffness from my workouts, to connect with people and make them laugh, while also showing how flawed I am. In fact, I said to someone one day that I often think I workout, JUST to have something to really complain about, because overall, my life is fucking amazing.

I do the same thing with lots of little things. I overdramatize them, I wallow in them, I share my misery, how. furious I am… All to the effect of highlighting to myself (and those I share this with) that I love life, and this too, shall pass.

The Take-Back

I mentor some people, and I lie to them. I say something incredibly shocking that has the potential of being true related to whatever point I want to make, I let it sink in, possibly even discuss it, then I take it back.

Most often, this is done in two ways: In a story, like the tall tale mentioned above, or in playing out a valid belief or stance I don’t personally take, to illustrate. I will say that it’s not mine, but I will spin it. Since it’s not mine, I am lying about the actual motivations/results/whatever, because I have no honest experience.

The Joke

My ex-husband said over and over that I had no sense of humor. It was one of the ways he manipulated and abused me.

And I’ll be honest, I can hold about 4-5 jokes in my head at one time, so I never have a joke to tell.

And I don’t have a comic’s brain. I just don’t think that way.

But I can lie to create humor.

I call @selene73 “The worst Personal Assistant ever,” because it is a lie, it makes us both laugh, it shocks others (especially when she’s standing next to me), and it is a constant reminder to her of her own journey of self-improvement.

Is she the worst PA ever? No, of course not. Although any PA who has to ask the boss “What are WE supposed to be doing on such-and-such date?” needs to brush up their skills. don’t you think?

LOL!

The Non-Answer

This is the biggie. All the others up there are perfectly welcome in my life, and part of me. This one… not so much.

The non-answer. Someone asks a question, and I answer the question’s words, but not their intent, because I feel uncomfortable.

When Pet and I first met, and we started with poly and cuckolding, I’d just had two relationships for a total of 20 years of my life. that were supposed to be. open and honest and poly, but included accusations of cheating and slutting around (I have never cheated in my life—never saw the point), so I was gun shy.

I was sure it was just another trap.

So, he would ask if I liked someone, a new man I was talking to, and I’d say that I had concerns about XYZ.

Which was true.

But that’s not what he wanted to know. He wanted to know if I felt chemistry, excitement, interest in a sexual or romantic way.

And that terrified me. So I lied by telling the truth and not answering the question.

This is a VERY difficult habit to break, and I’m working on breaking it by IMMEDIATELY answering the question fully to it’s spirit as soon as I realize.

I’ve gotten much better. I’m not perfect, yet.

Yes, I lie.

I admit it.

That does not stop the damage of lies in relationships.

It does not change that I feel lies are a submissive behavior. (To clarify, I don’t mean the behavior of submissives.)

It does not change that I am doing my best to be as honest as possible at all times with my words, deeds and intentions.

And that I want my friends to know that they can count on me for the truth.

So, when people respond on one of my writings about lies that even I lie, I say, “Of COURSE I lie. Everyone I know lies. That doesn’t make it right.”

That’s like saying that over 1,000,000 people bought Justin Bieber’s last album, so that proves he’s a great musician.

Previous Writings About Lies

NookieNote’s Collection Of Writings About Lies