Writing Prompt: Your Current Roles/Labels

On FetLife, I am a kinkster. On my kinky dating sites, I am a dominant. I also identify as bisexual in some places and heteroflexible in others. I am a switch in activities and sexuality, but never in my relationships. I also identify as epicurean, insatiably curious, poly, feminine, bossy, cuckoldress, experience whore, ‘She Who Must Be Obeyed’, silly, geeky, lazy, ambivert, tea lover, and more.

More than anything, I identify as Nookie, which is both my long-time nickname and my role.

My given name is Heather, but few people use that regularly.

There were a lot of Heathers growing up. Once, I was in a class with three others… I’ve only know the one Nookie. Me.

Continue reading “Writing Prompt: Your Current Roles/Labels”

Writing Prompt: Your Current Roles/Labels

Labels And Roles

On FetLife, of all the labels to choose from, I am a kinkster. On my kinky dating sites, I am a dominant. I also identify as bisexual in some places and heteroflexible in others. I am a switch in activities and sexuality, but never in my relationships. I also identify as epicurean, insatiably curious, poly, feminine, bossy, cuckoldress, experience whore, ‘She Who Must Be Obeyed’, silly, geeky, lazy, ambivert, tea lover, and more.

More than anything, I identify as Nookie, which is both my long-time nickname and my role. Continue reading “Writing Prompt: Your Current Roles/Labels”

You. Must. Talk Dirty. To. Me. (Or, provide a valid reason, open to proof and defense from all sides, on the proper forms, in triplicate.)

Talk Dirty To Me

I tend to be direct.

Very direct.

I mean what I say, when I say it.

Sure, sometimes I’m wrong, or I change my mind, but generally, you can take my words, especially about myself, at face value.

You can also believe that I took care in saying exactly what I meant.

And when I say that I don’t want to speak sexually with a total stranger on the internet, that seems, to me, like it should be clear.

Apparently, it’s not. Case in point (bold is mine):

Duuuuude (second message):

Would You be interested in chatting? 🙂

Me

If by chatting, you mean talking sexually, no. If you mean having meaningful conversation about topics of mutual interest, maybe. Continue reading “You. Must. Talk Dirty. To. Me. (Or, provide a valid reason, open to proof and defense from all sides, on the proper forms, in triplicate.)”

When Do You Put In The Effort?

Effort

In a polyamory group I participate in, I had a very cool discussion about listening in relationships. Here’s how it went:

OP:

Do you expect your partners to provide emotional support/listen when you need to vent? If so, do you have that expectation towards all of your partners or just your primary/the person who is best at listening/etc? If not, how and where do you satisfy the need for said emotional support?

I’ve been told that it’s best not to expect anything from relationships and just take them for what they are, but I find this approach rather difficult to apply in real life. Especially with people who seem to expect emotional labour from me but aren’t willing or don’t have the skills to reciprocate.

My original response:

I don’t have specific expectations for interaction.

However, if a relationship with a partner does not make me fell like I get FAR more out of it than I put in (and the other should feel that way, also), I simply let it go. We’re not a fit.

OP responded:

So, essentially you want people who will willingly put the work in and listen without you having to ask for it?

My reply:

Sometimes. Everyone is different.

I will ask, if other things in the relationship give me reason to believe that they are worth the effort.

It’s very much a balance. Are they putting effort into me that shows that maybe their failings are simply not knowing better, rather than narcissism and selfishness?

OP asks again:

That’s interesting. So, let me know if I understand correctly: if someone is otherwise a good partner, you are willing to accept the fact that they’re not a great listener and not the best person to provide support and comfort you?

My reply:

Not at all.

I’m willing to accept the fact that they are not NOW a great listener, but with some gentle coaching and encouragement, might become one in pursuit of the relationship that we both share and enjoy.

Not listening is not just a flaw, it’s a sure sign to me (over time) that they actually don’t care what I have to say.

And sometimes, they just don’t know HOW to care, that way, or why. So I’ll say something, and see if they choose to move towards me or away with their response.

It’s about a balance of efforts. Do they make me feel good enough within the relationship that I’m willing to put in the effort to make it extraordinary?

I love discussions like this, because the questions help me dig deeper into my own reasoning, and clarify my thoughts.

In this case, it was a clear “A-HA” for me about when I put in the effort… and in the past 4 months or so since, I’ve seen this popping up with clear lines of demarcation in very many spaces (not just relationships).

What are your reactions to this discussion? When do you put in the effort?

Oh HELL Yeah! According To Studies, Sex CAN Make You Happier, Overall

Sex Makes You Happier

Whew!

And I thought it was all in my head.

LOL! No, I really didn’t. I have know since I was… well, since I started having sex that sex makes me happier, more creative, more engaging, more energetic, more loving, more tolerant, healthier, and probably a gadzillion things more that I am not bringing to mind right now.

Now, there are people studying this shit and proving it. Continue reading “Oh HELL Yeah! According To Studies, Sex CAN Make You Happier, Overall”

What If… You Don’t Need To Fix It?

Maybe You're Not Broken

What if… they are not broken?

What if… you are not broken?

What if… it’s important to experience negative emotions and a full range of emotional expression?

WHY do we always want to brighten our moods? To be more productive? To seem like we are in a better place than we are? To be happy?

Happiness is the new religion everyone chases and proselytizes.

I can say this: Happiness is NOT ALWAYS what’s good for us.

I have made that mistake for myself in the past.

I liken it to dieting. ONE FOOD is not good for me. My body needs biodiversity.

Our brains are the same.

We need to feel many different types of emotions, it allows us our full expression and awareness of ourselves and the world around us.

Anthony Robbins has this talk about how most people feel 4-5 emotions on a regular basis:

  • Sad
  • Angry
  • Happy
  • In Love
  • Annoyed

Lets say those are your five. And you cycle through those day after day, day in, day out.

Whatever comes along, you have to fit it in there, because you are in a rut, and these are the well-worn pathways in your brain.

Out of those five, if you’re not happy or in love, you’re sad, angry, or annoyed.

You see the problem here?

But what if you add in:

  • Content
  • Silly
  • Joyful
  • Lustful
  • Cranky
  • Perplexed
  • Dissatisfied
  • Mischievous
  • Proud
  • Furious
  • Thoughtful
  • Romantic
  • Thankful
  • Needy
  • Determined

Emotions are there for a reason.

To teach us about the world and how we feel about it. To point out things that are wrong and things that are right. To give the the green/yellow/red for our entire life’s experience.

There are so many different emotions to experience. Why would we want to choose only happiness above all others?

Why would you want to choose that for someone else?

You are not broken.

You just need a safe place to be, until you are good with yourself or have a direction to move forward.

They are not broken.

They just need you to be a safe place for them to be with you, until they are good with themselves or have a direction to move forward.

A Perspective: Life Will NOT Get Better

Life Will Not Get Better

Life is life. It’s been going on for millennia.

You will get better at life.

Or you won’t.


How does this shift in thought hit you? Truth? Not your truth?

I’m crazy busy today, and my writing topic just got put off until August sometime (the current end of my calendar), because I’m not ready for it.

So, I share this thought that hit me the other day, and has been rolling around in my mind.

*smiles*