That Door? It’s There For You To Leave.

A venn diagram with two circles overlapping. And arrow pointing to the overlap says, "The sweet spot for friendship, love, romance, sexytimes, etc."

I believe in making it easy for people to step out of my life.

If they don’t want to be here with me, they shouldn’t be forced to.

By making it easy to leave, I like to think that it takes away the resentment that comes along with being stuck, and gives us the chance to really dig in and make things happen, with a worst case scenario being “Well, it’s easy to leave.”

And frankly, if someone does not want to be with me, I don’t want them there.

Or rather, I don’t want to force them there. I may want them, of course. Heck, I want a lot of things, but if I learn they don’t want me or like me as much as I like or want them, I don’t want them as hard anymore. Because part of a turn on for me is being liked and wanted. And that’s the sweet spot for me.

It’s about two people. Two sides. A door that goes both in and out.

And if you’re not ready to leave, but we’re not in the sweet spot? I’m cool with that, too. Let’s find another kind of relationship, where we are both on the same page, enjoying what we have together, in the sweet spot.

But if you’re wanting more than I do, and you won’t stop pushing me, or if you give me an ultimatum, or if you want me to chase you to validate your feelings, or whatever?

That’s what that door is there for. Use it.

Yes, Your Feelings Are Absolutely Valid. Period. Full Stop.

A cute hedgehog saying, "Your feelings are valid, important, and deserve to be taken seriously. You are worthy and you deserve to be happy and healthy."

Your feelings are valid.

So are theirs.

Everyone’s feelings are valid.

Their behavior and actions may be unreasonable, even reprehensible. Their feelings are not. Same with yours.

Your feelings, your sadness, your anger, your frustrations—these are all valid.

Let me say that again:

Your feelings, your sadness, your anger, your frustrations—these are all valid.

Using your feelings to bully or silence others. Using them to justify belittling others. Using them as a weapon against others…

Well, that’s just bullshit.

CC: Emm Roy

How do you trust?

How Do You Trust?

“My favorite definition of trust, which I read in a novel years ago: Trust is the residue of kept agreements.” —Jay Wiseman

This resonates with me, yet I find it lacking. I find trustworthy people inherently trust more. Whose agreements? Mine or theirs?

Because there are people I immediately do not trust. Call it intuition, snap judgment, whatever you want. And keeping an agreement will not really change that. I can’t remember a time I’ve ever changed my mind about trusting someone I who struck me as untrustworthy when I first met them. Continue reading “How do you trust?”

Do You GET Sex? Or Have Sex?

Sex Jackpot

What makes a dominant decidedly un-dominant?

Desperation.

It’s not just dominants that often stink of it. It’s any one, of any role, any sexual orientation, or any gender who thinks that sex or a relationship is something they get for doing or saying just the right things, in the right sequence.

It’s not.

It’s not about doing.

It’s about being.

Fuck NO, I Will NOT Compromise!

It's raining and two people are each hold half of an umbrella, while neither stays dry.

It’s a tired old trope:

Good relationships require compromise.

I call bullshit. Not only that, but I also call hard limit.

Do you even KNOW what compromise is?

1. an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.

Ok, that doesn’t sound too bad. But what IS a concession? It’s what happens when you concede. Know what that means?

1. Admit defeat in a contest.

2. surrender or yield (something that one possesses)

Really? You think that’s OK to ask of me? You think it’s OK to create a relationship where contesting each other is the norm, then force your partner to concede?

You know another definition for compromise?

2. the acceptance of standards that are lower than is desirable.

Ewww. No. Not just no.

FUCK NO! I will not:

  • Enter a relationship of any kind (friendship, lovers, marriage) where we contest against each other.
  • Choose to lower my standards to make a relationship work.
  • Give up the things I love and want in my life for you.
  • Create a relationship where I would ask you to do those things, either.

And I will thank you very much not to ask me to do it, because it’s like you’re saying, “I know your stated (or exhibited) thoughts, feelings and needs on this, but mine are way more important, so you should give up some of yours.”

And somehow, it’s even worse if you are willing to give up your own.

Really? You’ll lower your standards to be with me? Whelp. Don’t that make me feel special?

On the other hand…

Fuck Yeah, I will:

Come to you with my needs and desires, and I will expect you to come to me with yours, and we will help each other get all that we’ve ever wanted, to fulfill our fantasies and experience our dreams, to the best of our abilities (I can’t, at this point in my life put my knees behind my ears… we might need to bring in a stunt double for that that scene).

I’ll even go one or even several steps beyond that.

I’ll share myself and offer even more than I know you want, and show you other things you may have never dreamed of or looked for that add joy and laughter and love and more to your life when you are with me and when we are apart.

And I will fuck compromise. Fuck it right in it’s shitty little concessions.

Covert Contracts Are Ruining Your Relationship(s)!

A business man and business woman playing tug-of-war with a contract.

Do you feel resentment in your relationship(s)?

Do you feel burdened?

I’m not talking about kids and work and having to do laundry (just not the folding, please!!!). I’m talking about feeling burdened by the things you have to do to keep the relationship going.

Do you?

That’s a sure sign that you have entered into a covert contract with your other(s), and that’s never a good thing. Continue reading “Covert Contracts Are Ruining Your Relationship(s)!”

They Don’t Tell You Because You’re Not Safe

You're Not Safe

Someone I know and like very much was hurt today. Hurt because they just found out something I have known for a over 10 months.

About their partner of 27 years.

They wondered why I knew, and they didn’t, why I was told and they were not.

The answer is simple.

But it’s not easy. It’s never easy.

I’m safe.

They are not.

I am safe to tell things to. Almost anything. I do my best to be open-minded and help find a solution, or to just listen, rather than react or try to take action on another’s behalf.

You see, this person I care about is a crusader. They mean well. And they are amazing and wonderful.

When you need a crusader.

When you just want to be heard, though… A crusader is a bull in a china shop, breaking friendships and stomping on history, trying to protect the one they love, when it’s really not that big of a deal.

Or, maybe it is, but their partner is not yet ready to handle it like the big deal it is, so the bull would be stomping all over them, making them feel like they are wrong for wanting to handle it their own way.You’re Not Safe

There are many ways to not be safe, and many fall under the category of reactions:

  • react with anger
  • react with guilt
  • react with anguish
  • react with derision
  • react with “fixes”

You see where I’m going with this?

And there are many ways to be a safe space:

  • respond with love
  • respond with empathy (which not everyone has)
  • respond with an open mind
  • respond with acceptance
  • respond with offers to help, however you can

Of course, one writing can’t cover every way to be safe or every way to be unsafe in a person’s eyes. Every person is different. Every situation is different.

But I challenge you to ask yourself if you are safe. Would your loved ones tell you ANYTHING?

In what ways are you not safe? Or… maybe a better question is: In what topics are you not safe, and what can you do about it?

Writing Prompt: Is Trust Earned? Or Is it Given?

Trust is Earned

There is no right answer that applies to everyone, I think.

Every answer depends on how you see trust.

trust

firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

That’s a dictionary definition. I’ve also read that trust is as simple as the ability to predict another’s behavior. Or just faith that a person will not harm you, or is not capable of crossing certain boundaries. Continue reading “Writing Prompt: Is Trust Earned? Or Is it Given?”

Give Compliments. Lots of Compliments. Do It Right In 9 Easy Steps.

Your ____ always makes me smile.

My friend Pepper_Pots was teaching a class about the 5 love languages at The Venue (FetLife link) about two weeks ago, and she said this about compliments:

“Don’t just tell me I’m pretty over and over. The first time I’ll smile. After a while, it just gets tedious, and I won’t respond. Be more creative.”

Or something to that effect. She was discussing “Words of Affirmation,” one of the love languages.

Later, she and I talked a bit about how we feel about compliments, and what makes a compliment worth getting to us, and interestingly enough, my Pet and I had had a similar conversation just the day before, in relation to a shared event.

Today, a few more thoughts came together (from a Polyamory group on FB and some writings of David Shade), and I was inspired to write about it. *smiles*

1. Don’t bother with being smooth. Be authentic.

Actually, being authentic often (not always, for sure) comes across as being smooth, so you have a bonus there. Continue reading “Give Compliments. Lots of Compliments. Do It Right In 9 Easy Steps.”