The Needs Hierarchy

BDSM Hierarchy of Needs

So, in PE (Power Exchange) relationships, we all have needs. Knowing what those are and understanding how to get those met is critical.

I’ve read a lot about how dominants should put their subs’ needs first. I think this is backwards and wrong, and I’ll explain why.

First, here is how I believe dominants need to prioritize needs in their relationship:

1. Dominant’s Needs
2. Submissive’s Needs
3. Dominant’s Wants
4. Submissive’s Wants

Let’s look at this. Continue reading “The Needs Hierarchy”

The Problem With “Women Don’t Want Sex As Much As Men”

Men Vs. Women In Bed

Someone said in a conversation I’m in:

Those sort of atitudes, still alive in the 21st century, create a wall of misunderstanding and distrust that every man has to negotiate… <snipped>

And every woman.

Ever been in an argument, and had your partner tell you “I didn’t do X because you would do Y, and I didn’t want that,” and you were standing there wondering who the hell they think you are, because that was NOT your reaction? Continue reading “The Problem With “Women Don’t Want Sex As Much As Men””

The Other Side Of Pussy Privilege

The Other Side Of Pussy Privilege

So, I wrote yesterday (I’m trying to write everyday for a while) about pussy privilege, and how I understand it, and the parts of my personal ethic that I have created as a result.

Today, I’d like to discuss some of the things I did not say yesterday. The things that go along with that privilege.

I wrote about privilege first, because thoughts of it affect me more, so please don’t think I’m whining. I’m not. This writing is more to balance things out and give another perspective than anything. Continue reading “The Other Side Of Pussy Privilege”

About My Privilege—Especially Pussy Privilege

Pussy Privilege in Dating

I have privilege. In many, many ways. I know this. Not all ways.

Growing up, we were never rich. I never had the cool clothes. I was never part of an “in” crowd. I went to public schools, whatever was around. I didn’t go to camp, or take part in educational extra curricular activities…

Unless you call tromping around the woods catching critters like a wild child ‘educational extra curricular activities.’

I kinda do. LOL! Continue reading “About My Privilege—Especially Pussy Privilege”

I Violated Rules Of Consent, And I Liked It

I Violated Consent

Let me state for the record: I love consent.

So much so that I don’t do “forced.” Ever. It’s just WAY too hot for me for a partner to fully own their desires, at least to me.

To have my sub say, “I want this seriously freaky thing, even though I feel like I shouldn’t,” to me, is a HUGE turn on. To be trusted. To be given that power…


So awesome. Continue reading “I Violated Rules Of Consent, And I Liked It”

I Posted An Ad On Craigslist And I Got Derided For Posting My Dress Size

“Fantasies are never fulfilled, because they and reality can never exist in the same space.”

This is the second in a three-part series, based on a recent Craigslist ad. The first is here:

I Posted An Ad On Craigslist And I Got Compared To An Alcoholic Or Druggie

This particular reply is related this this part of my ad:

I’m moderately attractive. Some think I’m beautiful. I’m curvy, a US size 8-10.

Continue reading “I Posted An Ad On Craigslist And I Got Derided For Posting My Dress Size”

I Posted An Ad On Craigslist And I Got Compared To An Alcoholic Or Druggie

Slut Shaming

So, now and again, I post ads on CL. For dates, to meet new people, bulls, heck, I even buy and sell things sometimes.

I recently posted an ad. I described myself:

I am super-smart and interested in your mind as much as your body. I’m good at sex and sensuality and believe there is more to a successful encounter than a grab for the genitals.

I am polyamorous. I am also very selective.

I am bi-sexual, feminine, and driven. I prefer my sex with a side of connection, and a hint (sometimes more) of kink.

I’m moderately attractive. Some think I’m beautiful. I’m curvy, a US size 8-10.

I am a woman who likes to take charge. What does this mean to you? It means you can be yourself. Strong, capable, loving, aggressive, successful… and you can be mine. 100% devoted and rewarded for it with deep intimacy, powerful love, and amazing sex.

I got 137 replies before I turned the ad off. Yeah… pretty much par for the course, if it doesn’t get flagged by people I’ve rejected. LOL! Continue reading “I Posted An Ad On Craigslist And I Got Compared To An Alcoholic Or Druggie”

References Don’t Work AFTER The Damage Is Done!

Unused references are like spilled milk.

Saturday, I taught at LaFortress. A BJ class and an orgasm class. Had a great time, met new people, and heard something that made my stomach sink.

Someone has used my name, my online presence, and their connection to me as a friend as a reference. And then gone on to be a bit of a dickhead.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time, nor the first person to do this. And also, unfortunately, I hear about it after the fact far more often than I am contacted before things can go wrong.

So, here’s a quick refresher on how to use a reference within the lifestyle:

1. Get a reference.

This could happen one of several ways: Someone gives you a name or several of people that they are confident will say good things about them. Perhaps they mention the name of someone who has a good reputation in the community in passing, as if they know them well. Better yet, you watch them online, and choose random interactions to learn about them. Continue reading “References Don’t Work AFTER The Damage Is Done!”

The Desire Of Humiliation

A black and white image of Pet nuzzling my neck as I smile.

This piece was written by my Pet for me.

It seems my humiliation is becoming a theme with my Queen and I. I have this burning desire for it. I’m not able to clearly define it. It pokes at me. It claws at me. It wants to drag me in deep. It stimulates my sexually creative mind.

I want it. I want to experience it’s depth. I want to go down this dark hole. I want my Queen to take my hand and lead me into this darkness. I trust her… Then I want her to push me in! Take me to the deep end. Test me. Taunt me. Push her limits as she pushes mine.

I give you my hand my Queen. You can always pull me out and to your breast if I get to deep.