Dating Kinky
Built by kinksters for kinksters, poly, queer, trans folk, and anyone not-quite-vanilla—and it’s FREE.

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!

Pet has recently found himself taken by fly fishing. The idea of it. He’s an outdoorsy guy, and he is fascinated by the tools and the tying of flies and all the things.

Whether he catches any fish…well, he’s competitive, but right now, I’m not sure that matters.

It’s immersing himself in the thing.

And I get all hot and bothered and fan myself vigorously thinking of him standing in clear moving water in sunshine, flicking his hand-tied fly in slo-mo as the sun catches his eyes and makes them sparkle…

But I digress.

This is really all just an elaborate set-up to talk about fishing for compliments. And reassurance. And stuff.

And how many of us obsess over our bait in a very similar way to how fly fisherman obsess over their flies. Picking carefully, preening them, and wishing for luck as we send it flying towards our target.

And, like fly fisherman, we sometimes fail.


More often than not.

BUT, the times we do succeed! WOW! What a rush!

Read More

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!

According to Urban Dictionary, BDE is:

confidence without cockiness. It is never misplaced and it cannot be simulated. It is the sexual equivalent of writing a check for $10k knowing you got it in the bank account [sic].

Let me add: you don’t need a bio-penis to have BDE. Venus and Serena Williams have BDE. So does Idris Alba. Cate Blanchett.Thomas Beatie. Jeff Goldblum. Ryan Reynolds. Chrissy Teigen. Nikkie Tutorials.

The list goes on.

The phrase that stands out for me in the above definition is ‘confidence without cockiness’.

In a previous writing I’ve done on Nice Guys, I mentioned some thoughts on this, and had a few people curious, and today’s prompt to write about BDE reminded me.

Confident vs. Cocky

Back in my days of exploring the world of pickup artistry (over a decade ago), a friend of mine in that scene asked me to record a few videos for him with tips for men from a woman on what we look for.

My immediate thought was that a man should show confidence but not cockiness.

My favorite people are confident. My least favorite are cocky.

They can look a lot alike, there is no doubt, and we are all a mix of feelings:

  • confident
  • lack of confidence
  • insecurity
  • cockiness

But confidence is bandied about so often as a desired trait in dating and connecting that I thought it’s worth taking a look at again.

Why confidence?

Well, insecurity or cockiness (versus a lack of confidence) is a sure sign of emotional weakness, and expression of confidence is the opposite of those.

What is confidence, in the sense I’m using it? The security to know that you can rely on your own strengths, and that what you offer others you can back up.

What is cockiness, then? A boast that cannot be backed up, and cannot be relied upon.

I also mentioned lack of confidence (I don’t know or I don’t have) and insecurity (I’m afraid that what I have or know is not good enough).

Here are some definitions from


  1. belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance: His lack of confidence defeated him.
  2. certitude; assurance: He described the situation with such confidence that the audience believed him completely.


arrogant; pertly self-assertive; conceited: He walked in with a cocky air.

A confident average-looking person will often be more attractive (full package) to others because of their actions and demeanor (especially over time) than a model-looker who is cocky and brash.

How to tell the difference?

Here are a few examples I have used (and/or experienced during dating):

Confidence is knowing they can wait however long it takes for the “good stuff,” because they know they are worth the wait.

A cocky person tries to rush sexuality (or anything), because they are not sure they can hold up the likability pretense long enough for them to get in someone’s pants if it takes more than three dates.

A confident person simply waits, knowing that if the other does not want it (whatever “it” is) as much as they do (or more), it’s not meant to be, and that’s to the good.

As an aside, one of my favorite books is “The Art of Seduction,” and truly long for the days when an elegant seduction took months of wooing and slow descent into passion. Luckily for me, I actually got something similar in my Pet.

Confident people are often easygoing, and have a smile on their face (but not always, confident does not equal happy, necessarily, nor does happiness require a smile), and speak at normal or softer-than normal volume.

Cocky folk are often loud and/or brash, to make up for the smallness they feel inside.

Confident people rarely anger. They roll with the punches, and know they will find a way to come out on top.

Cocky people often get upset easily, yell, and hold grudges.

Confident people enjoy engaging with opinions other than their own.

Cocky people get defensive when people disagree with them.

A confident person is rarely jealous or controlling. They have no need to be. They know that the right type of person will always want them, and they are not interested in the wrong type of person.

Cocky people will get into fights over the “scarce” resource of affection, trying to prove their worth.

Confident people are the same online or off, on phone or text, they are innately sexy.

Cocky people act much more sexually aggressive in text/IM/PM than in person, because in person, they may have to back it up, and they are insecure about their abilities (which may or may not be accurate).

To me, it is summed up simply… Confident people know what they do well and focus on BEING that person and improving other areas.

Cocky people try to make everyone believe that they are better at things than they actually believe they are, and focus on how they appear, rather than actually trying to improve themselves.

Is lack of BDE a failing in a human or a potential mate?

I don’t believe so. In fact, like I said, I think we are all a mixture of feelings of confidence, lack of confidence, insecurity and cockiness in various degrees.

We are all works in progress.

I would rather have a lack of confidence in myself or even insecurity (and do, in many areas) than to be cocky.

I often fail, and I try to correct and grow from it.

Some people prefer a lack of confidence in a mate. They find displays of confidence unattractive. They prefer outward displays of humbleness.

BDE is also not a universal standard.

Some people see BDE where I see cockiness. Some people see cockiness where I see confidence.

We all bring different perspectives and life experiences to our observations.

And few (if any) people are confident in all areas, one person’s priority may not matter as much to another. Sexual confidence versus professional confidence versus confidence with a whip…the list goes on and on.

What are your thoughts?

Do you have any good examples of confident BDE versus cocky insecurity that I missed? (I am sure there are thousands.)

Do you find yourself relating to any of these examples, or seeing people in your life (past or present) in any of these?

And I almost forgot…

Here is a website pretty much entirely devoted to Big Dick Energy and general all-around bad-assery:

I hope you enjoy it! *grins*

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!

I’d like to tell you a story of a woman I know.

Shelly (not her real name) has two coworkers, both women, 50 and 51, respectively. Shelly turns 50 in a couple of months.

One day, the three of them were out to lunch, and the conversation turned to their personal lives and relationships, as these things sometimes do, with details about their spouses (all are married to men) and love lives.

Afterwards, Shelly told me that her coworkers spent a good 20 minutes telling her that there must be something wrong with her and her husband.


Because they “act like they are in love, or something.”

Read More

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!

In fact, I rarely think in shades of grey. Or compromise. Or whatever it is we’re told we’re supposed to do to get along in this world.

I’m perfectly comfortable with seemingly opposite viewpoints happily coexisting in my head, to be trotted out in different situations (or sometimes together).

For a long time, I used “DichotomousMe” as a handle on dating sites. It led to some funny discussions, many of which started with a question about what it meant.

So, when a friend of mine wrote me this morning (as they often do), with the following, I was inspired to talk about how these black and white ideas are generally far from opposites, and in fact, are more alike than not.

At least in my head.

And, in talking with others who have similar thoughts…in theirs.

I enjoy your writings. For example, yesterday you wrote:

“When we WANT to get the D Delivery, we want it.”

On your profile page you write:

“If you are simply looking for panties to get into, move on.”

As someone who is safely ensconced in a monogamous relationship, I feel bold enough to tell you that that line in your profile is why I’ve never asked to get into your panties.

This is the part I immediately responded to in my head.

Because the line in my profile is VERY clear to me, and perhaps not so much to others (I’m OK with that).

Read More