The 80/20 Rule Of Sex In Relationships

80/20 Rule of Sex In Relationships

They say that is the sex is great, it’s 20% of a relationship, and if it’s not going so well, it’s 80%.

They have a point, although I’d modify it a bit.

It’s not so much about the number of orgasms, or the skillset—that can be learned.

It’s about the overall sexual compatibility.

  • Does it feel like a metric fuck-ton of orgasms raining down upon your body or at least like it has the potential to become fucking fantastic with practice together?
  • Do you have similar sex drives (from asexual to want-it-damn-near-every-minute-andwhen-i-don’t-want-it-i-want-to-talk-about-it-and-how-we-can-make-it-even-better-next-time)?
  • Are you at comparable levels of ease related to TALKING about and discussing sex?
  • Do you like a significant enough number of the same things related to sex that you have plenty of room to grow and explore together for however long you imagine your relationship to last, or to whatever level you’d like to attempt?
  • And most of all, are you lacking disgust or disdain for their sexual interests?

If you have all these, then sex and it’s related issues will likely be about 20% of your relationship compatibility.

If you’re majorly questionable on any of these, then the issues you have related to and around sex will likely become 80% of your relationship.

Not that you will necessarily mean it that way. Or that it will be obvious.

But that resentments, insecurities, fears, and hurt will color every disagreement you have.

Sure, people get around this.

Some say to their partner, “I love you and I want you to be happy. Do that, and let’s enjoy what we continue to have together,” and sometimes that works.

Often, it does not, because, well, humans are imperfect, and resentments, insecurities, fears, and hurt can still color our reactions and responses.

A Tale Of Two Cocks

A Tale Of Two Cocks

I know these cocks. Two wonderful, amazing cocks. Each owns a perfectly average guy.

One cock, let’s call him S, owns a 5’9″ Italian guy with a cheeky smile and a dad bod.

The other cock, B, owns a wiry 6’1″ Latino man with a slouch, a shock of dark hair and a twinkle in his eye.

Their people are very different. S enjoys hiking all over the world, eschews carbs and alcohol (mostly), while B is a bit anti-social and loves nothing more than playing guitar, smoking “hippy lettuce,” and drinking vodka.

And both cocks LOVE sex.

Like, a lot.

S is about 7″ long, of average thickness, and can be a bit shy around more than one woman at a time (although he’s getting over that!).

B is 9″ long, about 7″ around, and gets hard when the fan blows him. Even in awkward situations.

Continue reading “A Tale Of Two Cocks”

Are You A “MORE” Person?

More

This morning, Pet and I had each other for breakfast.

It was delicious.

Mmmm.

I digress. Damn. So distracting.

Anyway, we often spend some time together in the mornings, especially after date night with others, including bulls.

This morning, as he buried himself between my thighs, I talked dirty to him. Well, I talked “me” to him. That just happens to qualify as dirty to most, I’d guess.

Anyway, I told him what an amazing lover he is, how he pleases me so fucking well, and then I told him, “Give me more.” Continue reading “Are You A “MORE” Person?”

I Used To Desire “Hair”

When I'm 64

LOL! I can barely think about it without laughing out loud, even when I’m alone.

“Hair.”

My friend and I used to say that to each other with a knowing look when a boy with the right coiffure appeared in our line of sight.

It was a very specific look. Not long. In fact, short in the back, but with longish bangs that fell over the forehead and (*gasp* be still my beating heart!) maybe even one eye.

It was jaunty.

Young.

Smooooooth.

And it’s what I desired in a boy. Continue reading “I Used To Desire “Hair””

Emotional Sadism/Masochism

EMOTIONAL Manipulators: Masochists & Sadists

CW: This is a piece specifically about pathologies, NOT consensual play. Yes, there are self-identified roles within kink that use these terms… that is NOT at all what I’m talking about in this piece.

Someone asked me to write on this topic.

We usually think of sadists and masochists in regards to physical pain.
But there is the emotional variety, no doubt.

How can we identify this?
How should we deal with this?
Should we simply distance ourselves from it?

This is a great topic. Very tricky one, though.

Emotional sadists share many characteristics with people whose behavior has shifted over time to get what they want from those who are less responsive to others…

And emotional masochists the same, or it could be that they are battling other issues, like depression, that mimic many of the symptoms.

So, I’ll start by saying I don’t suggest that I, or any of you (outside the few who may be licensed and practicing therapists and the like) are qualified to diagnose anyone else.

What I will say, though, is that it’s worth knowing what the signs are in these kinds of disorders and the people who exhibit them, and to recognize them quickly, so you can make a decision about allowing them into your life, or about continuing the same behaviors, if you see they apply to you.

Identifying Emotional Sadists

Emotional sadists enjoy other’s negative emotions: sadness, anger, loneliness, jealousy, insecurity, etc.

They get pleasure from others being in those states, and will seek to disrupt other’s lives to create those states in them.

A few signs someone might be an emotional sadist:

Emotional sadists continue behaviors that you have said hurt you.

This is the super-duper biggie sooooo-obvious one. You said that a particular behavior hurts you, and they continued. A lot. Some of the time, they even pile on additional pain by mocking your hurt.

Emotional sadists tell you that you are not good enough.

Remember, they love to see you sad and insecure or jealous. They will say whatever they can to get those feelings out of you. And it may not be obvious. After all these people are great at getting what they need out of your emotions. You’ll find, though, that just when you need uplifting, they’ll say something that will push you further down.

Emotional sadists will shift blame onto you, to make you apologize and feel bad about things that aren’t your fault.

Like the fact that they ran out of gas on the way to work this morning, since they drove when taking you out for dinner last night. Because your fault, duh.

And on top of that, they’ll also say things like, “I know you don’t care about my fractured toe, but I’m healing,” to suggest you should take blame for not caring enough for them to ask them a million times a day how they are doing.

Identifying Emotional Masochists

An emotional masochist not only enjoys misery, they seek it out. They derive pleasure from all the negative emotions they can feel.

And when I say pleasure, I don’t necessarily mean it makes them happy, LOL! That would ruin the emotional masochism. There is a certain satisfaction in feeling terrible. Maybe they feel like they don’t deserve to be happy, or that they need to be punished with emotion. I doubt any emotional masochist would ever admit to feeling pleasure about feeling miserable.

Emotional masochists a like dogs returning to their own vomit.

I always loved that line from the bible. SOOOOO excited I found a use for it in my writings!

That toxic person who hurt them, that they finally cut out of their life? Yeah, they picked up the phone to call, see “how they were doing, you know?”

Emotional masochists LOOK for something to go wrong.

When things are going well, they look for what could go wrong, or even manufacture things out of thin air.

Ever heard the phrase “borrow trouble”? Emotional masochists are world-class Olympians at that shit. Whatever is going right is not good enough. They are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, and usually obsessing about it, and trying on the pain for size, because they just can’t feel comfortable being happy.

Emotional masochists are often drawn to misery.

You’d think that they would be drawn to emotional sadists, and they are. However, they also tend to surround themselves whenever possible with emotional negativity, because misery loves company.

These people will seem to love you most when you are sad or angry or upset in any way, because they get to selfishly wallow in their own negativity with you.

Emotional masochists constantly put themselves in situations to feel pain.

They will start fights to show someone’s “true colors.” They will seek out cruel people who put them down. They will not stand up for themselves, but constantly complain about how they are treated. They’ll take the blame for everything, even things that not even remotely their fault, “I should have known that would happen if I was too sick to go to the party…”

How should we deal with emotional sadists and masochists?

The answer to this is going to be very individual.

So, maybe.

I’ve know an emotional masochist for most of my life. I absolutely adore them. They are an amazing person, and I would never ever want them out of my life.

I have learned to understand their behaviors, and work around them.

Luckily for me, I am not an emotional masochist, so I found that I could separate my misery from theirs. Not only did I not have to be miserable just because they were, but I’ve also been able to shake them out of it now and again, and show them a better option in certain circumstances.

So, I count that as a win.

As for emotional sadists, I’ve learned a trick where I feel less hurt if I suspect someone is trying to hurt me, or if I sense a pattern of behavior.

Probably because I lived through an abusive relationship. He was not an emotional sadist, just a bi-polar alcoholic with narcissistic tendencies and an inability to take the blame for anything.

But that’s another story.

Anyway emotional sadists’ tricks don’t work on me the way they used to, so I’m not sure that I have any in my life. There is easier prey elsewhere.

Should we simply distance ourselves from it?

Some people you’ll love, and want to find a way to keep them around, learning to work with their quirks.

Many others will deserve to be cut out of your life. If their emotional sadism or emotional masochism in turn affects you, and bring negativity to your life, you have a right to decide that it is not for you, once you recognize the pattern of behavior.

And that is the key: a pattern of behavior.

Because whether someone is an actual emotional sadist, you have a right to feel amazing around them. And even is someone is an emotional masochist, you have a right to not give in when they try to pick a fight or share misery.

But recognizing what is happening is the first step.

On External Influence To A Relationship…

An m/w couple is cuddling on the couch, while another woman looks on with a dangerous expression.

@TheDemonPrince commented in an earlier writing posted on FetLife:

I have found this an eye opening experience in that very few people seem to give a shit about how they can impact someone else’s relationship.

That actually makes me sad to read.

It’s hard to explain why, from my perspective, because the comment is obviously written from a completely different perspective than the one I have about relationships, but let me see if I can try.

TLDR

Whosoever acts against me is held accountable for their actions. Never a third party.

Continue reading “On External Influence To A Relationship…”

The Missed Benefits Of Argument…

Two men arguing.

I feel like people have lost the art of argument.

Or maybe many just never had it at all.

It’s not about convincing others or forcing them to your will, for me. Never has been.

Sometimes, it’s about being there for those who are watching, especially online.

But for me, a lot of the time argument/discussion helps me figure out if my opinions are any good.

If I can defend my thoughts, back them up, support them, counter others’ points… then I have a clue that it’s well thought out and possibly accurate.

So many people consider any disagreement with their opinions as some sort of personal attack or offense, instead of a valuable service provided free of charge by the world to help them become better people.

I tell people all the time that I LOVE when people disagree with me, as it allows me to see new ways of thinking, believing and understanding the world (even when I think they are wrong). It makes me a better person for knowing and makes my own arguments (for myself and with others) stronger.

Just some food for thought this morning.

Do you welcome arguments as a way to grow? Or do you avoid them or take offense?

What Would You Do If The Bird Does Not Sing?

A piece of Japanese art showing a bird flying through flowers.

Oda Nobunaga said “Kill it if it does not sing.”
Tokugawa Ieyasu said “Wait until it sings.”
Toyotomi Hideyoshi said “Make it want to sing.”

Make it want to sing.

Pretty powerful stuff.

When you’re having trouble in your relationships, which path do you take?

Do you enter into battle?
Do you avoid the issue, or wait for it to correct itself?
Do you inspire others?

Break Up. Do It Before You Dislike Your Partner Enough To Make It Easy

A man/woman couple standing in silhouette, back to back, looking miserable.

I’ve had my share of break ups. They pretty much always suck.

The ones that suck the most, though, are the ones where I still LOVE my partner. Love them, and heck, even still like them.

Those suck big pustulent donkey balls.

And if that’s not clear enough… they are the worst breakups.

For me, anyway. Continue reading “Break Up. Do It Before You Dislike Your Partner Enough To Make It Easy”