I’ll Say The “C” Word Whenever I Want!

And I’ll be right.

You see, I read this piece a while back:

Please, not the C word

Where the author says that if they never hear the “C Word,” chemistry, in reference to relationships again, they’ll be happy.

“Like, ever.”

Then, they go on to give six banal reasons someone might feel chemistry.

Except for, you know, actual chemistry.

Continue reading “I’ll Say The “C” Word Whenever I Want!”

Forgiving, In Order To Be Forgiven

A friend of mine sent me this writing prompt to ponder:

I think everyone agrees that it’s bad to hold onto past hurts, and bring them up in arguments years later. But how about if you flip it around?

I remember my dad telling me once, after my mother did something that annoyed him, that you don’t want to be too hard on your spouse, because some day you’re going to be the one in the wrong. It stuck with me. I always try to be gracious when people fuck things up (or even fuck me over) because I hope they will be gracious with me when the situation is flipped.

So my question for you, is are those things different? Is expecting someone to be forgiving because you were forgiving, different than hanging onto hurts from the past?

I reacted to this when I read it, but I wasn’t sure exactly what my reaction was, so I sat on it a bit.

And today, much sooner than I expected, I have an answer—or at least something I can start to answer with.

Yes, it is different, I believe. Not just because the immediate results are different, but because of the intention.

That said, there is a potential shadiness in this that I think my friend was catching on to that was likely not at all intended by his father.

It’s worth exploring.

To me, forgiving to be forgiven is a form of covert contract:

The I-was-so-forgiving-therefore-you-need-to-recognize form of covert contract.

UNLESS it’s spoken. Aloud. Clearly. And agreed to.

Let me explain.

I think we can all agree that buying someone dinner in the expectations that it will lead to sex without negotiating that is a covert contract and pretty gross.

In the same vein, so is forgiving someone now to use as a get out of jail free card in the future.

Both are trading something for something else without the agreement of both parties.

If we flip this, though, it’s OK: “I’m forgiving you, and really, barely even need to do that, because you’ve always been so understanding when I’ve made boneheaded moves…”

THAT is always OK.

But that is coming from a place of thanks and gratitude, rather than from a place of expectation.

Or, even, “I forgive you. I mean, I’ve done enough boneheaded shit in my life that I get it. I certainly hope that when I’m an idiot, you’ll also forgive me, deal?”

Which is a good option, but not a great one.

Because this may be a boneheaded move to you, but what you want forgiveness for in the future may feel like more than that, and you’re deposits into the forgiveness account may not be enough. If that happens, will you then be entitled? Or feel OK?

I can’t answer that for you. You may not be able to answer that for yourself, until it happens.

That’s why I suggest living a No Regrets philosophy, and choosing your actions at any time by what is right for you NOW, not what you hope to get out of your decision.

What are your thoughts?

I could be way off base here. I don’t think I am, obviously. However, I’m still testing this thought process, and I’m open to your thoughts and ideas about what I’m getting right (if anything) or wrong (also if anything).

A Look Into The Mind Of An Incel

A man I’ve counseled over the years in a masculine dominance forum that I volunteer (as a dominant woman’s perspective) for, posted this incredibly insightful self-assessment:

If a woman is NOT horny and ready-to-go, I assume there’s something wrong with her, and I have a tendency to judge her negatively in some way that she may have issues.

Or, I may experience self-hatred or shame and believe that I am not man enough in some way.

I tend to have a fixed mindset if a woman is not responsive to me.

This is a piercingly clear insight into the very heart of what makes the [Nice Guy][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/175154] mindset dysfunctional, and leads from Nice Guy-itis to total incel-itis.

NOTE: in the linked article about the [Nice Guy][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/175154], I also mention that this can apply to Nice Girls as well. Let me state now that I’m going to use NG to represent “Nice Guy” behavior in any all genders.

Also, If you’re not familiar with incels, here is a handy guide to the four ‘levels’ of inceldom: [image][https://miro.medium.com/max/1838/1H3a8OH1eVSIpXH5NteZFvw.jpeg]*

The first sentence is one side of an incel/NG—the side that has to look for fault in others to lay blame. Whether blame is even a factor or necessary.

The second sentence is the other side.

The self-loathing side.

The side of an incel/NG that holds their hurts and disappointments and eats at them like a cancer. The side where they internalize every negative word ever spoken to them and every negative thought they’ve ever had.

Even good things get fed into this side and interpreted through this dank filter.

And the last sentence is a key point: fixed mindset. It’s either or both of those things. There is no other explanation. There is no viable alternate viewpoint. No matter how harmful to themselves, they insist on these being the ONLY two options.

These few sentences show exactly how a lack of understanding of human nature and how to be successful romantically and sexually with others leads to incel/NG behaviors and beliefs.

And the sucky thing?

This creates a huge shitload of self-reinforcing trouble for the incel/NG, and it’s based on a false assumption that they can’t (or rather, won’t) let go.

Because no matter how much they may want and hate women/other humans, and no matter how much they may secretly despise themselves, it’s not nearly as bad as realizing they are wrong.

That they are wrong.

That they have been wrong.

Possibly for years.

Screwing things up, hurting themselves and others.

Wrong.

And so, they will double down, and continue in pain. Because that feels safer than learning to do and think differently.

At least they know what desperation and self-loathing feels like. They know they can handle that.

Being wrong, making change—that’s an unknown. It’s scary.

Scarier than where they are now.

NOTE: This man, after a year and a half, was asked to leave the forums. He would not, could not, let go of his toxic beliefs. And he was being disrespectful to others as he spiraled ever more out of control. Such a shame.

What Is Strength?

In a comment on [my blog] on one of my writing earlier this week, I was asked:

“I hear all the time and see it everywhere on social media. What exactly is a strong woman? what makes a woman strong?”

This hit a bit of a button with me.

I wrote about [The Lie Of “But You Are So Strong…”][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/4688824] in October, 2017. I ranted a bit about how frustrating it was to listen to people I love give up on themselves and their situations because they weren’t as “strong” as me.

So, I have opinions about what strength is, and what people mean by this when they say it.

In any gender. Although there are differences in how traditionally masculine-presenting people are treated versus feminine-presenting folx, and I’ll mention that.

When they say “strong,” they often mean unemotional.

Well, for the masculine sorts. For the feminine, they often mean “more like the masculine sorts.”

They don’t see a break down where they think a breakdown should be, or would be, were it them. So, it must be because of strength.

The challenge with this is that sometimes takes a stronger person to share that emotion and be vulnerable. Also, maybe there is no visible emotion because while for the beholder it’s a deeply touching topic, but the “strong” person is experiencing it differently.

Or, like I did when @selene73 and I were in a hit and run that totaled my car on a Friday night at about 11pm, I simply dealt with what I had to deal with over the weekend, and waited until Monday morning to break down, when I felt like I had the time and space to let it all out.

Is that strength?

Or is it practice?

When they say “strong,” they often mean confrontational.

Or ‘takes no shit.’

This is often people who stand up for what is right as they see it.

And when they call this strong, they are right. It takes guts to risk confrontation and people disliking you over opinions. It takes practice for most people to feel comfortable getting here.

It’s strong, too, when those confrontations are done on behalf of others who cannot (at that time) step up themselves.

However, when confrontation (especially physical) is the ONLY way people solve things (or the go-to), they are not necessarily strong. They are more likely to be bullies, just as weak as the rest of us, in their own ways, and fighting hard to protect that soft underbelly.

When they say “strong,” they often mean non-confrontational.

I know. It’s contradictory. But so are humans.

In some cases, strong is code ‘takes all the shit slung in jest, without whining and making others defend their hurtful “jokes.”‘

Of course, always avoiding confrontation weakens us. We don’t stand up for ourselves and our needs and we don’t stand up for others.

When they say “strong,” they often mean capable or efficient.

Being organized is not being strong.

It is a strength. And a very very good one to have.

However, organization is more like an assist to strength. You can do more, lift more with the structure of organization than you can without.

A single mom of three with two jobs can seem a lot stronger (and feel it) when she has such mad organization skills, that things rarely go wrong.

When things are disorganized, even the strongest person can get overwhelmed by the minutiae.

When they say “strong,” they often mean helpful.

I mean, if you’re here helping me up off the ground, it must be because you’re strong, yes?

Sure.

Or maybe you just have better leverage right now.

It’s easy for me to help people. In many cases, easier than helping myself.

Does that make me strong?

No.

Same with…

When they say “strong,” they often mean more experienced.

Being secure in the knowledge of 10 years of mindful study and practice is not strength. It’s just knowledge.

It might have taken strength to get that knowledge.

It might have come easy.

Simply having it isn’t strength.

When they say “strong,” they often mean they are authentic.

Which is fair. It does take a certain type of strength or courage to be totally and completely authentic. To be yourself, despite pressures to fit 100% into the norms of society.

But authenticity itself is not strength, although it may be indicative of it.

When they say “strong,” they often mean dominant.

Which is bullshit.

Actually, what a lot of people mean when they say strong is “dominant man.” I have interacted with people who claim that the ONLY reason a woman might choose to be dominant is because she is hurting from past relationships and weak.

rolls eyes

Yeah, can’t be the same for men, nah.

Thing is, I know plenty of submissive people who are strong. Many who are stronger than those who take the dominant or leadership role.

Sure, many dominants are strong. Many are weak as well. This is people. We are a mixed bag, regardless of the box you put us in.

When they say “strong,” they often mean…

What do people mean when they say “strong” in your experience?

What do YOU mean when you call someone “strong?”

I look forward to your thoughts.

Dick Is Cheap

In January, I offered up the debate about which gender has the power, and Grafinya said:

“dick is cheap”

And she’s right.

It is.

Now YOUR dick might not be cheap.

Hell, none of mine are, since they are all medical grade silicone, and I am pretty choosey about where I put them and who I put them in.

But dick, as a basic commodity, is cheap.

Sure, some people may have a harder time getting dick than others.

Thing is, it’s not just cheap, it’s free. Offered regularly without really any effort on my part.

And I’m a fan of free and cheap. I love getting bargains. I love free stuff. I love thrifting.

I’m also a fan of Marie Kondo’s saying:

“Keep only those things that speak to your heart. Then take the plunge and discard all the rest. By doing this, you can reset your life and embark on a new lifestyle. The best way to choose what to keep and what to throw away is to take each item in one’s hand and ask: Does this spark joy?

And even free and cheap things (maybe especially free and cheap things) must spark joy.

Grafinya also said:

“A guy showing up offering nothing but dick is cheap. A guy offering good dick + a desire to please his partner, intelligent conversation, good social skills, common interest and life goals is expensive and hard to find. Or as Flannery O’Connor put it, A good MAN is hard to find.”

I might say, a good human with a dick sparks joy, whether free, cheap, or easy.

I ask you…

What are your priorities in the people you meet and spend time with?

What is cheap to you? Dick? Pussy? Flattery? Small talk? Dates?

What is dear to you? What sparks joy? Friendship? Connection? Thoughtfulness?

What makes something more than cheap to you?

Love Is Dangerous When It Feels Scarce

Note that I said “feels scarce,” not “is scarce.”

That matters.

Because when someone is alone and does not feel a lack, love is not dangerous.

When someone is with many others, perhaps even beloved of them, but cannot feel that comfort, love is full of peril.

What are your thoughts on this?

I’m just musing today, and would love to read your thoughts on this topic.

*smiles*

Image by DarkWorkX from Pixabay

PSYCHOLAGNY: Orgasm Without Physical Stimulation

Psycholagny

I’ve been talking about this for 10+ years.

And for all that time, I’ve been challenged by those who believe it’s not possible.

And yet…

There’s a word for this. Because it exists. And it’s more common than you might think.

Musing On Mindgasms (Touch-Free Orgasms)

If you’ve not experienced this (whatever your gender), you may want to try it out. It’s a pretty amazing experience, and can improve your physical sex life as well in so many amazing ways.

Image by engin akyurt from Pixabay

Successful Relationships, Step 1: Pick The Right Person

Pick The Right Person

In my years of studying people in and out of relationships, there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that stands out as more important than picking the right person to relationship with.

When we mesh with others in the most fundamental ways, we thrive.

When we are constantly having to battle to get our needs met, to be heard, to assert ourselves, we psychically waste away.

But sometimes, I think this idea is misunderstood, much like much of the sage advice given out about relationships and love.

People think the right person is THE ONE, or some sort of magical creature that will just “get us,” without any effort on our part. That they are a potential singularity amount the billions of people on earth, and finding that needle in a needle stack is a daunting challenge.

And, in some ways, it’s right. That’s what’s so insidious about the idea.

It’s not that they are the only one possible, but it feels like it once we do get it right, and many of us stop looking then. It DOES feel like magic, especially in the early stages, when a word connects us so simply and eagerly, augmented by hormones and lust and such. And each of us is totally unique. There will never be another JUST LIKE THIS ONE.

All true.

But also, not the whole truth.

The Right Partner will sometimes be The Wrong Partner.

Like last night, when my Pet of nearly 6 years realized that I’m not a huge fan of wasabi.

Good thing I had my boobs on display and could jiggle them a bit to remind him of the most important things in life.

Crisis averted!

On a more serious note, though, humans are complex creatures. We have layers and depths created from our many years of living, and SOMETHING is gonna come out (maybe after years, even decades of relationshipping) that is a potential deal breaker.

Or could develop.

  • Anger issues related to housework
  • Sex and intimacy issues
  • Perhaps we get silent and fume in response to feeling humiliated
  • Or have major insecurity issues related to _____

And these may never actually come up, until a relationship is long term, when the pressure is greater, and the investment of time and energy is higher.

And, let’s be real.

The shoe is often on the other foot.

Sometimes WE are The Wrong Partner.

For our very own special blend of reasons. And of course, it’s perfectly reasonable when it’s us. Except it’s no more reasonable than when it’s them. We just justify ourselves better (in general).

But even when we are wrong, our Right Partners might just stick around long enough for us to right ourselves, just as we might for them.

Through thick and thin, indeed. As long as thick is not abuse, and thin is not neglect, right?

It’s as simple as “Pick the right partner…”

…And as complex as actually doing that.

It’s looking for the right reactions to share in common, rather than the right movies.

It’s not ignoring red flags because we’re lonely.

It’s not being someone else or less than we are because we “don’t want to scare them off.”

It’s not doing what’s expected, because family.

It is being the right person, too (which is both authentic AND difficult mental work, all at the same time).

Rejection Often Reveals The Truth

Rejection Often Means The Truth

Back in June of 2018, I wrote a piece about “time served in the lifestyle,” and how it is not necessarily an indicator of quality, experience, goodness, etc.

@StandandTwirl commented on FetLife:

Save plenty of time and reject a Dom. He will reveal his true nature once he feels rejected. How he handles rejection or disappointment is very telling. Truth be told a Dom doesn’t identify himself, his submissive does.

In my view, the same thing about rejection could be said about anyone, on either side of the slash or anywhere in the world, really.

In fact, rejection is often an amazing tool that exposes the truth of the real person behind the masks, and I make use of it early in conversations with new people.

That doesn’t mean I tell them “no” just to see what happens.

That’s disingenuous and puts me in an ethically shaky position, myself, which is no bueno.

So, what do I do?

  • I disagree with something (that I actually disagree with), clearly and with conviction.
  • I don’t move my schedule around, and I make it clear that I am busy, and we will have to find the RIGHT time for both of us.
  • I tell them when a boundary might be an issue. As soon as I think it.

And this often (not always) results in a mask dropping and an ugly truth emerging.

To be honest, when this happens, I’m often pleased. After all, I now know that I don’t have to waste my time with a thin-skinned, easily offended, insecure twatwaffle.

And that’s a good thing.

Not that kind of good thing.

Well, maybe, now that Martha is hanging with Snoop Dogg…

grins

And those who don’t react in ugly ways to disagreement also make me happy, of course. Because we’ll be able to enjoy all different types of discussion and idea exchanges.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay