Fuck NO, I Will NOT Compromise!

It's raining and two people are each hold half of an umbrella, while neither stays dry.

It’s a tired old trope:

Good relationships require compromise.

I call bullshit. Not only that, but I also call hard limit.

Do you even KNOW what compromise is?

1. an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.

Ok, that doesn’t sound too bad. But what IS a concession? It’s what happens when you concede. Know what that means?

1. Admit defeat in a contest.

2. surrender or yield (something that one possesses)

Really? You think that’s OK to ask of me? You think it’s OK to create a relationship where contesting each other is the norm, then force your partner to concede?

You know another definition for compromise?

2. the acceptance of standards that are lower than is desirable.

Ewww. No. Not just no.

FUCK NO! I will not:

  • Enter a relationship of any kind (friendship, lovers, marriage) where we contest against each other.
  • Choose to lower my standards to make a relationship work.
  • Give up the things I love and want in my life for you.
  • Create a relationship where I would ask you to do those things, either.

And I will thank you very much not to ask me to do it, because it’s like you’re saying, “I know your stated (or exhibited) thoughts, feelings and needs on this, but mine are way more important, so you should give up some of yours.”

And somehow, it’s even worse if you are willing to give up your own.

Really? You’ll lower your standards to be with me? Whelp. Don’t that make me feel special?

On the other hand…

Fuck Yeah, I will:

Come to you with my needs and desires, and I will expect you to come to me with yours, and we will help each other get all that we’ve ever wanted, to fulfill our fantasies and experience our dreams, to the best of our abilities (I can’t, at this point in my life put my knees behind my ears… we might need to bring in a stunt double for that that scene).

I’ll even go one or even several steps beyond that.

I’ll share myself and offer even more than I know you want, and show you other things you may have never dreamed of or looked for that add joy and laughter and love and more to your life when you are with me and when we are apart.

And I will fuck compromise. Fuck it right in it’s shitty little concessions.

Covert Contracts Are Ruining Your Relationship(s)!

A business man and business woman playing tug-of-war with a contract.

Do you feel resentment in your relationship(s)?

Do you feel burdened?

I’m not talking about kids and work and having to do laundry (just not the folding, please!!!). I’m talking about feeling burdened by the things you have to do to keep the relationship going.

Do you?

That’s a sure sign that you have entered into a covert contract with your other(s), and that’s never a good thing. Continue reading “Covert Contracts Are Ruining Your Relationship(s)!”

Oh FFS! Quit Yer Whining!

Cheese to go with your whine?

All women have to do is be on a [dating/sex] site, and men will send her messages. It’s so much easier for women, they make all the choices.”

Oh, FFS! This is the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard (over and over and over and over).

Men and women, in general, have exactly the same choices, when dating.

Because, you know, male/female pairings require one of each.

Get it?

Let’s look at this another way, from the male POV, and the female. Continue reading “Oh FFS! Quit Yer Whining!”

Dating: Who Messages First?

Dating: Is It Men Versus Women?

On a FetLife group about dating on OKC, the question was asked:

Who messages first?

According to a new study done by the OKCupid team, they stated that more messages happen when she sends the first message. What are your thoughts on this study? What do you feel would be the best course of actions to pursue a mate? What is your thought from the perspective of the opposite sex?

So I responded:

So, I did an informal dating study last year about exactly this (I was doing research for a kinky dating book I’m writing with a co-author). Here is what I did:

Set up an account almost exactly the same as my personal account, different pictures, but still my face, etc.

Wrote about the same thing, but different words. Continue reading “Dating: Who Messages First?”

Why Not Judging Is Impossible (And What To Do About It)

I'm judging you.

Yesterday, I wrote about penis size and why I don’t believe it’s a factor of dominance. Jedi_K responded with this comment.

Everyone is different but people are too quick to judge, label and put in boxes.

On the surface, this is true. It’s something we say all the time. Hell, I even say that I don’t judge, and that is one reason I think people like me, despite my obvious flaws (which are legion).

But…

And this is a BIG but (like mine, LOLOL!)

Yeah, my terrible sense of humor is one of those glaring flaws, deal with it.

But…

Humans have survived through judging.

Here’s a quick synopsis of human behavior and evolution (whether you believe in darwinism, Adam & Eve, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster):

When humans, back in the day, met someone that they didn’t know, they had three choices:

1. Befriend
2. Fight
3. Run

If they chose befriend or fight, they stuck around. And they may have been right or wrong.

If they ran, of course they could be chased, but they would be removing themselves from one of the other options.

So, let’s look at this:

Befriend
Right: Make Friend +1
Wrong: Dead/Bad Things -1

Fight
Right (about winning): The Other Gets Dead/Bad Things +1
Wrong: Dead/Bad Things -1

Run
Right: No Dead/Bad Things Yourself +1
Wrong: Still No Dead/Bad Things Yourself -1

Not getting into factors such as making friend could bring more than +1 benefits, or that killing someone whether right or wrong about their intentions can bring an entire tribe down upon you and therefore lead to more than -1 benefits…

Run away and avoid different was the MOST likely to get you good results.

And even those who did not choose to run were split between befriend and fight, with fight likely winning out in the “survivors” ratio, simply because they were prepared for the worst, even if they did switch to befriend after not-killing.

Therefore, judging something as “different” and either running away (eek! Change is scary!) or fighting it is 2/3 of our potential right choices, and are hardwired into our brain.

So, we have to judge. Instantly. Immediately. So that we can survive.

It’s what we do with that judging that matters.

So, our brains sort and categorize even before we are aware. It’s what happens. That’s neither bad nor good. It is what is. I see a new person, and I immediately get a lot of information:

  • Human
  • Male
  • Tall
  • Light-skinned
  • Dark hair
  • Beard
  • Cute
  • Threatening or non-threatening body language

And so on… So, because of these observations and my experience in this world, I will make several assumptions on how to approach, which may or may not be right.

The key part is:

…which may or may not be right.

This is where many people go horribly, terribly, inhumanly wrong with judging and labeling. They make assumptions and accept them as fact, rather than continuing to create new labels and categories/sub-categories to fit the unique human being standing before them

So, let’s continue. Tall dude looks pretty damn masculine to me, so I assume he is straight or bi, and will find me attractive, and approach him that way.

No, let’s say he’s gay. Or asexual. Or just not into wicked-smart-mostly-dominant-women-with-a-tiny-waist-and-thick-hips-and sparkling-eyes. Or, just not into ME.

But I don’t change my assumptions. He is man. He is cute. Therefore, he must be attracted to me.

That is where I’m the asshole.

Not in judging the situation incorrectly to begin with, but in not accepting the change in perspective. Not treating him like the human he is, but as the human I have judged him to be.

Thoughts?

The Problem With “Women Don’t Want Sex As Much As Men”

Men Vs. Women In Bed

Someone said in a conversation I’m in:

Those sort of atitudes, still alive in the 21st century, create a wall of misunderstanding and distrust that every man has to negotiate… <snipped>

And every woman.

Ever been in an argument, and had your partner tell you “I didn’t do X because you would do Y, and I didn’t want that,” and you were standing there wondering who the hell they think you are, because that was NOT your reaction? Continue reading “The Problem With “Women Don’t Want Sex As Much As Men””

The Other Side Of Pussy Privilege

The Other Side Of Pussy Privilege

So, I wrote yesterday (I’m trying to write everyday for a while) about pussy privilege, and how I understand it, and the parts of my personal ethic that I have created as a result.

Today, I’d like to discuss some of the things I did not say yesterday. The things that go along with that privilege.

I wrote about privilege first, because thoughts of it affect me more, so please don’t think I’m whining. I’m not. This writing is more to balance things out and give another perspective than anything. Continue reading “The Other Side Of Pussy Privilege”