I’m Writing About Anal Porn…

A Is For Anal

My new book, The Big Book of Ass, has a chapter titled, “Well, they do it in porn, don’t they?”

In this chapter, I talk about how even porn stars don’t do what they do without A LOT of prep and training (not to mention the “behind the scenes, between-takes stuff), and then days, even weeks of recovery after intense scenes.

Yesterday, I was approached by a man commenting about one of my pictures and posing a question to me:

“Ok so in this picture you have a cuck who I assume you never had sex with but let him worship your feet to some degree. You’re an absolute image, truly gorgeous and from what I can tell a high calibre domme and human being in general. This cuck would love to be inside you but he didn’t (again assuming), he only got your feet.”

“…the thought of being restricted to only be allowed a certain level of intimacy is seriously messing with my mind.”

“When you’re with a sub/cuck do you truly believe they are less than you? Not sure if I can handle the answer.”

I battle this every day on behalf of myself and on behalf of kink.

What you see in porn and online fantasy is GREAT, but it’s not real.

It’s no more real than Jackie Chan being ACTUALLY drunk in Drunken Master. It’s got the same basis in reality that Hans Solo or Jabba does.

Continue reading “I’m Writing About Anal Porn…”

Leggo My Ego!

Ego: If you start believing your own greatness...

If you start believing in your greatness, it is the death of your creativity.

MARINA ABRAMOVIC, The Economist, Sep. 15, 2010

A lot of comments over the past couple weeks on my writings have focused in on ego and how it gets in the way of being a good dominant.

Mostly.

The thing I see, though, is that ego gets in the way of being a good ANYTHING—in kink and out. Dominant, sub, parent, employee, basketball player, politician… the list goes on.

Ego is brittle shell of what we want to be seen as, placed before who we truly, authentically are, getting in the way of…

Ego gets in the way of communication when we believe that what we are saying MUST be clear, and therefore our partner is being willfully obtuse or just plain stupid.

Continue reading “Leggo My Ego!”

You’re Making Dominance HARDER For Yourself, You Know…

Stop Making Dominance Harder

Dominance is easy.

Dominance is natural.

It isn’t hard or stressful or a chore.

Well, if you’re a dominant, that’s how it should be. Unfortunately, I see a pattern in so many people who choose to self-identify as dominant. A pattern of making dominance more difficult than it is.

They make their job harder than it needs to by not gathering information about their partners. They challenge themselves to be a leader by blustering in and saying, “I have all the answers and I am going to call all the shots!”

They are trying to know it all without listening their subjects. They’re trying to have the perfect answer without even knowing what the question is.

Yes, a dominant leads and calls the shots, but the more you understand those you lead, the better and more consistent your decisions will be.

Why make your job more difficult?

A dominant leader is first and foremost (in my mind) an excellent observer and an attentive listener.

This is what makes a dominant best able to lead. To choose the right reward for behavior. To know which words make them squirm with lust and which cut them harshly in reprimand. To grok their deepest fantasies, and be able to bring them to life in your own style, to tie them to you for now or for forever.

None of this is possible if you don’t pay attention.

You can’t fake it.

In other words, quit trying to be right to your partner all the time.

Focus on understanding what is right for your partner, so you can’t help but embody that as part of your dominance.

Call Me Ishmael—I Mean Nookie—Please

Call Me Ishmael, I Mean Nookie

Whatever you call me will, in part, determine how I react to you.

This is important to me. I have a macro on my computer that I trigger every time someone writes to me and calls me “goddess,” “mistress,” “domina,” or the like.

I don’t like any of those, and certainly not from the mouths of strangers.

It goes like this:

Please don’t call me ____. I don’t own you, so I prefer not to be titled by you. Please call me Nookie, or Miss Nookie if you must use an honorific.
Thank you.

You can imagine how many people get confused by this or take offense.

Not my problem. Address me how I prefer to be addressed or I won’t respond.

Simple.

I had this conversation with a friend of mine on here, where he was asking about the opposite situation, where he might call me by my username (or rather, someone else), and they required him to use some sort of honorific, and how did I feel about that?

I responded that I think I have a right to say what I prefer to be called, and you have a right to decide whether you will call me that.

If someone wants you to call them Goddess, and you don’t want to, well, then, you have a right to ask for alternatives or remove yourself from their company.

You have a right to call me something I do not like and I have a right to leave your presence, not respond, or respond in a negative manner.

It’s obvious, right?

Which is why I suggest that when approaching people, it’s safest to start with their username, or whatever is written on their nametag, then, as soon as possible, ask, “And what would you like me to call you?”

And if they say, “Call me Ishmael,” then that’s the right thing to do.

Dominants: To Influence, Be Influenced

To Influence, Be Influenced

“Oh great and powerful dominant, bestow upon me the blessing of your attention, the sunlight of your love, and the always-correctness of your counsel.”

If only! LOL!

Actually, I don’t know about y’all, but as a dominant I get first messages like that every day.

It’s not THAT great.

Because any dominant knows that’s not influence. That’s fetish delivery.

Continue reading “Dominants: To Influence, Be Influenced”

Don’t Believe Everything You Think

Don't believe everything you think.

A friend posted this on Facebook the other day:

I'm judgmental.

I’ve posted before that as humans (or cats, LOL!) not judging is impossible. Especially people and cultures and things we are not familiar with.

And frankly, even as a human who self-describes as an “experience whore,” there are SOOOOOOOO many things I’m not familiar with.

SOOOOOOOO many.

Which is why, every once in a while, I want to remind everyone: don’t believe what you think.

Don’t take it as gospel.

Examine your own thoughts with as much rigor and logic and open-mindedness as you might examine mine. Or “fake news.”

Don’t let the first thing you think be the only thing you think about anything.

It MAY end up being the last thing you think, sure.

But if it’s the ONLY thing you think, you may just miss out on amazing people and experiences and foods and kinks and stuff in your like.

 

Can You Really “Break” Your Goodie Bits?

Can you break your goodie bits?

A bit ago, I shared an article on my social media titled Woman Who “Broke” Her Vagina With Sex Toy Shares Warning To Others.

(Clicking through will require some sort of verification that was not in place when I originally shared it, so you can take my word for it.)

Anyway, someone commented:

How in the hell can you break a vagina when it can squeeze out a 10 lb baby with a solid head

Aside from the fact that babies don’t have “solid” heads when they are born (it takes a while for the skull to fuse), there is a valid question at the core:

Can you really “break” your goodie bits?

Yes.

Yes you can.

Let’s talk about a few ways.

You can break your penis.

No, penises don’t have bones, so it’s not a fracture in the traditional sense, but you can seriously damage yourself.

So, while it’s not a break, it is a tear in a part of the penis called the tunica albuginea. That’s like a fleshy balloon that fills up with blood, to turn your softy into a stiffy. When there is a rip in that, it won’t inflate, you get blood spilling out into your skin, creating a bruise. It can even make a popping sound, which probably contributes to the idea of “breaking” it.

More details from Scientific American…

You can break your pudendal nerve.

When you overuse heavy vibration in/around your clitoris and vagina, you can deaden the nerves. The pudendal nerve serves the entire area, and will shut down if it’s over stimulated.

This recently happened to a friend of mine. It’s pretty scary when it does.

Usually lasts a few days to about two weeks.

You can break your ability to orgasm in a variety of ways.

There is also getting used to using a vibrator (or your hand or a specific toy) to orgasm.

Done too often, with some people, they begin to find that they can’t orgasm any other way. That usually requires a cold turkey from that method, and teaching those nerves and the corresponding brain pathways to enjoy other stimulation types again.

Over-using any one single type of stimulation can cause issues with overall sexuality and pleasure.

This can last weeks, months, even years. It’s all dependent on the person.

You can break your cervix.

No, it’s not a break, per se, more like a pounding.

Hitting the cervix hard with a sizeable penis or toy for a long period of time can cause bruising and even ongoing cramps.

You can break your sensitive skin.

Anyone who has ever chafed their “down below” areas on a beard, against some fabric (frotting, anyone?), or because they ran out of lube and didn’t notice will tell you that while it’s not permanent, it’s enough of a break to put those bits off limits for a while.

And there are other ways to seriously damage your sexy parts and put them out of commission for a while, from tearing, to infections and more.

So, yeah… you can “break” your goodie bits, although, luckily, most of the damage is temporary, it can still cause quite a fright.

I *HATE* Labels!

Labels

Labels. We seem to have a love/hate relationship with them. I know that I’ve often railed against a particular label and the constraints I felt it forced on me, and yet, I value labels for their usefulness in communicating entire concepts and ideas in a single word.

The video:

The text:

Today, I followed up on a few posts I’d made in various groups and pages on Facebook. I had shared a piece about pansexuality that I thought was an interesting look at a word that may be a bit new to a lot of people:

https://www.them.us/story/pansexuality-101

While quite a few people in different channels responded well to the link and the information it contained, there were some who really railed against it.

Not against BEING pansexual so much as labeling oneself as pansexual.

The “pansexual label.”

And I see this a lot:

Why does everything need a label?

Labels are limiting.

Why use a label at all? Why not just treat everyone the same way?

People in general HATE to be labeled.

I hate to be labeled.

Again, I’ve railed against the limitations of labels myself, so I’m no stranger to these thoughts.

That said, I’m going to answer these questions.

Why does everything need a label?

Humans use labels (words) to communicate. Using one word (label) over another makes communication more concise.

Saying “chair” brings one thing to mind. Saying “chaise lounge” brings a more specific thing to mind.

Saying “kinky person” brings a general idea to mind. Saying “dominant daddy” brings a more specific idea to mind.

Labels are limiting.

Yes, they are.

Labels are MEANT to be limiting. That’s why they make for effective communication.

Labels are 1-to-3-word-shorthands for potentially paragraphs of information.

Take the examples above.

Chaise lounge replaces the following: “An upholstered sofa in the shape of a chair that is long enough to support the legs. In modern French the term chaise longue can refer to any long reclining chair such as a deckchair.”

And dominant daddy replaces: “A Daddy Dom is a slight variation from a traditional dominant in a dominant/submissive relationship in that they must consider their subs inner child dynamic. DaddyDoms are usually in full control of their li’l, but also have to take care of the social and emotional well being of their baby girl since their sub is in a slightly different mind space than traditional subs.  Another significant indication of a Daddy Dom is that they will spoil the heck out of their li’l…” [ref] and more.

Now, that said, many labels (especially those that apply to humans) are not, and were never meant to be a substitute for actual communication between two people. They are simply a place to begin.

Why use a label at all? Why not just treat everyone the same way?

You can do both!

You can use and understand what people are communicating with their labels and still treat them as you would treat anyone.

People in general HATE to be labeled. I hate to be labeled.

Agreed.

I absolutely despise it when people label me without my input or consent.

And yet, I happily label myself.

We ALL do.

I am a writer, kinky, polyamorous, woman, dominant, foodie, businessperson, teacher, shoe-lover, reader, hedonist, friend, dog enthusiast, flirt, neuro-atypical…

I’m betting even you can relate to one or more of those. We all use labels for ourselves.

No one is saying that you HAVE to use a label in that article about pansexuality. They are saying this is the label they prefer to use and what it means to them.

Now you know what they are communicating when they say it.

Simple.

For A Happy And Healthy D/s Relationship, Embrace Discomfort

Embrace Discomfort

Embrace discomfort, what? Well, let’s look at the things that cause discomfort in most relationships, and in D/s even more so:

  • Admitting you’re wrong (now, and by extension every time you’ve been wrong in the past and quite likely ruined friendships/relationships as a result).
  • Rejection.
  • Talking about sexuality and consent.
  • Apologizing.
  • Growth (because it usually involves all those things up there and the ones to follow).
  • Self-reflection. When you either give your power to another or you take power over another, understanding your inner thoughts and reasons is even more critical.
  • Trying new things.
  • Creativity.

Any relationship, D/s or not, will stagnate over time unless it is consciously worked upon, and new ideas injected. In D/s, so much of our dynamics are based on pushing boundaries, creating new ways to explore our sexuality, and growing as people that discomfort needs to become, if not comfortable, at least not terrifying .

“Nobody ever died of discomfort, yet living in the name of comfort has killed more ideas, more opportunities, more actions, and more growth than everything else combined. Comfort kills!” —T. Harv Eker

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that comfort is bad. It’s not. We need our comfortable spaces, our comfortable thoughts, our comfortable routines.

And frankly. we should feel comfortable on a day to day basis with the people we love.

Comfort allows us to relax, and gives us the opportunity to process our experiences and learn from them, even as we prepare for more discomfort and growth to come.

It’s discomfort, though…

…that provides the spark of love, of curiosity, of excitement.

It’s what brings us together to begin with, exploring each other’s bodies and thoughts. It’s what makes us daydream about what we can do and be together.

In between comfort and discomfort is the trap: expectations.

Expectations are discomfort masquerading as comfort. We imagine we know what is going to or should happen, and that makes us feel better about what’s coming.

The more you embrace discomfort and let go of expectations in your D/s relationship, the more you can experience and share with your partner, creating an ever greater foundation of comfort together.

Dominance: What Is TRUE Leadership?

Leadership

This morning, I’m thinking about two men. In my head, I call them Dreamboat and Cutie Boy. They are members of an Entrepreneurship group I participate in, and they are, in fact, as attractive as my nicknames for them would suggest.

They are also partners in business, so I sort of think of them as a duo, like John and Marsha, or Captain and Tenille.

But this is primarily about Cutie Boy.

So, Cutie Boy is pretty curios about this whole “kinky dating” thing, and asks questions.

Which I encourage.

First, because I like talking to him and looking at him. I’m a pervert like that.

Second, because I like to think that the more matter-of-fact and approachable I am in any situation about what I do, the more normal it seems. Not as “freaky-scary” to the vanillas (or not-quite-so-vanillas).

So, he says, “Do people’s careers make a difference in how they kink?” (I’m paraphrasing.)

I and Selene both responded, “Often, yes, but not in the way you might think.” And I explained that many people who take charge in their careers prefer to submit in their personal life or vice versa, and some people are just as dominant or submissive in their entire life.

He stopped to think for a moment, then said, “So the ones who are like that all they time, and they more real?”

Which is a fair question.

I immediately answered, “Nope. Humans are far too complex for generalities like that.”

Here’s what I mean, and how I explained my views on leadership to him:

People are bundles of contradictions and a myriad of motivations.

Let’s take leadership for example. People want to lead for different reasons.

  • They get off on the power.
  • They are incredibly capable and efficient.
  • They view it as a service, and step up when they are needed.

I’m sure there are more reasons, but this is what I thought of at the time.

I told him that leaders probably often have more than one reason.

“So, if one person is a leader because they love having that power, and another is a capable person who loves to provide leadership, which is better?”

He said “probably the second.”

I said, “Which is more ‘true’? Or which is more authentic?”

He said, “Neither, really.”

Yup.

Which is why I don’t think lifelong dominants are more real than switches, or why I think those who are more powerful in their daily lives are any more or less effective at submitting than anyone else.

People are people. Amazingly complex, interesting, conflicted, beautiful…

And I had the all the pleasures of looking at Cutie Boy, discussing two of my favorite topics (kink and business), and connecting through communication all in one go.

Not a one of those things has anything to do with whether my leadership is “real” or “authentic” or “true,” but every one is part of my leadership self.

What are your thoughts on leadership?

What makes for a good leader/dominant. Is there anything besides their actions that (for you) signal someone who might be a step above the others?