What Is The Source Of Your Frustration?

A cartoon lady looking quite frustrated.

If you feel frustrated with or have resentment towards another person not living up to who you think they should be, you are likely in a covert contract, and need to rethink your path, clearing it of entitlement and non-consensual expectations.

Communicate. Set personal boundaries. Act.

If you are frustrated with yourself because you want to be good at something and you know you can do better than you have been, then you are on the right track.

You could probably lighten up on yourself, but you are on the right track.

How To Turn “No” Into “Hell Yeah!”

Hell Yeah!

No, this isn’t a piece about convincing people to have sex with you.

I think that’s gross.

It’s a piece about how to be happy with “No.”

In fact, it’s a piece about how “No” can be something you look forward to, second only to “Hell Yeah!” and sometimes a very very “Hell Yeah!” thing of it’s own.

You see, over the past month, I’ve been courting a new developer for my project. Someone who might come in and actually take some ownership. We’d gone back and forth on the deal, and when they were good with it, all that was left was to introduce them to the team.

We set up a lunch date a week later.

And, over that weekend, while I was traveling, I suddenly knew it wasn’t going to happen.

Continue reading “How To Turn “No” Into “Hell Yeah!””

A Conversation With A Judgy Man…

A very concerned-looking man in a judge's robe with a gavel in the foreground. Overlaid with the words "Judgy Man Is Judgy."
  • AJudgyMan† joined the group FetLife Announcements. about 1 year ago

† Name changed to protect whatever. You’ll see.

  • AJudgyMan changed his location to Raleigh, North Carolina, United States. 8 months ago
  • AJudgyMan changed his gender to male. 8 months ago
  • AJudgyMan changed his role to Sensualist. 8 months ago
  • AJudgyMan changed his sexual orientation to homoflexible. 8 months ago
  • AJudgyMan updated the about section on his profile. 8 months ago

“Just looking to see whats out there and who I vibe with.
Anonymity is imperative”

  • AJudgyMan changed his sexual orientation to heteroflexible. 7 months ago

THEN, he contacted me.

With no photo, no friends, no… well, you’ll see.

It was pretty banal for a few exchanges. Nothing to write home about, then, he asked:

“So, do you think 2 self proclaimed Dominants can get along?”

I replied:

I have a lot of dominant friends.

I have no desire to make everything into combat.

“Good cause neither do I, actually. theres fun teasing and play and theres some girls that hold a penis envy gotta prove something.

In the end, Im just looking for cool people, that know how to draw the line between the facade of all this kinky play. I have no need to want to control a woman out of the bedroom – but I do love dominant play in the bedroom, and sometimes out. But theres something definitely wrong with a person that wants to be controlled by another person out of the kinky play. So, I have nothing to say to a slave. theyre no fun – I need alittle resistence to keep things playful.”

I replied:

I’m sorry. You just said something that I find incredibly judgmental. Perhaps you could clarify:

“But theres something definitely wrong with a person that wants to be controlled by another person out of the kinky play.”

“The line gets crossed, for me, when you have someone that either wants to have their life, not just their kinky fun, completely controlled by another or they have some deep seeded need to control another’s life. 24/7 Doms, Slaves are something I understand but do not respect.

In the bedroom, thats fun, but thats where you separate the illusion of power this lifestyle allows and step into a twisted unhealthy psychological need that stems from some mental issues.

I dare you to try to argue that”

I replied:

I have no desire to argue it.

I am dominant inside the bedroom and out. My Pet and others look to me for more than sexual role play, and I enjoy that role.

I wish you the best of luck in everything you do.

“Funny cause a true dominant doesnt walk away like that – but anyone on here can play one.

Enjoy your writing

And if I offended you by the last “judgemental” remarks – youre probably exactly like the mentally ill people that take this lifestyle way too seriously, because they need to – in which case I feel sorry for you.”

Enjoy that feeling of superiority, oh creepy one. I’m too busy enjoying my amazing life to give a flying fuck.


Continue reading “A Conversation With A Judgy Man…”

This Is Why

This Is Why

“you helped my ex-wife and i reconcile back together and into a FLR cuckold relationship. thank you”

It’s not the FLR bit. It’s not the cuckolding. It’s the reconciliation. It’s the connecting. It’s the simple act of sending a thank you note for something appreciated.

This is why I do what I do. This is why I post as often as I can. Why I write books. Why I talk to people who seem hopeless.

Because every once in a while, I get a message like this.

And even once in a while is enough for me to put in that effort every singe day.

A Perspective: Life Will NOT Get Better

Life Will Not Get Better

Life is life. It’s been going on for millennia.

You will get better at life.

Or you won’t.

How does this shift in thought hit you? Truth? Not your truth?

I’m crazy busy today, and my writing topic just got put off until August sometime (the current end of my calendar), because I’m not ready for it.

So, I share this thought that hit me the other day, and has been rolling around in my mind.


It’s A Rare Cure That Cannot Be Used For Ill As Well

Cure or Ill?

Medicine saves lives.

Used for ill, it can end them.

The same is true for kink and relationship advice. Even my own. Maybe especially my own.

I have said many times that I am nuerodivergent. My brain does not work like the ideal norm. This makes me a different thinker than most. And what works for me is not what will work or even be desired by others. Continue reading “It’s A Rare Cure That Cannot Be Used For Ill As Well”

Why I Am Kind To Idiots…

An image of words: “Becoming aware of privilege should not be viewed as a burden or source of guilt, but rather, an opportunity to learn and be responsible so that we may work toward a more just and inclusive world.” One section urges those who are “white,” “male,” “Christian,” “cisgender,” “able-bodied,” and/or “heterosexual” to “check your privilege,” which it defines as “unearned access to social power based on membership in a dominant social group.”

A friend of mine posted on FB a little rant about education:

There are a ton of memes that get passed around about how school didn’t teach me about taxes or mortgages but I learned geometry and chemistry.

Ask yourself two questions if you see these and feel like they have a point.

1. Did you at least learn to read in school? I presume yes, if you’re reading this. We usually learn this pretty early in school.

2. Did your school and town have libraries? I also presume yes, because I grew up in ass-backwards bayou land and we had libraries. Even better if you have the internet.

So if you answer yes to both of those – the only reason you don’t learn anything you want to know is because you CHOOSE not to.

Don’t blame anyone but yourself.

Which, on the surface, is easy to agree with, especially if, like me, you are intellectually privileged.

Let’s take kink for example.

As a woman in kink, I deal with idiots every day. Multiple times a day. People who wouldn’t recognize a clue if you stuck a name tag on it and waved it in put it two inches in front of their nose.

And I’m (mostly) kind to them.

Even when they are nasty/mean to me.

Although sometimes, I do feel like stretching my bitchy muscles and giving them a wallop with a snarky clue-by-four. And when I do that, I often take it one step further and share it publicly.

But, most of the time I am kind.

Why? Why, if they are responsible for their own learning?

Well, because I know I’m privileged:

1. I’m bright. High IQ.
2. I was taught at a young age HOW to learn things beyond my personal experiences, and more importantly why.
3. Number 2 was encouraged at home, too.
4. READING was a major thing. Required, encouraged, and provided for.
5. I grew up in a VERY open-minded household (kinky people everywhere).
6. I’ve been in kink almost 25 years, now.

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks…

This saying has a basis in reality.

I trained dogs for 22 years. When working with puppies, the thing that was most critical was teaching them how to learn, to open up as many pathways as possible in their brains to taking in information. To play in many different ways, meet many different people, etc.

Once dogs were older, and had not been exposed to much, it was a much more difficult process (8 years of rescue and rehab).

People are similar. Our brains learn to learn, and when we are younger, that is easier—we don’t have the entrenched highway systems blocking local paths and roads trying to be built…

It’s not impossible.

Just more difficult.

Add to that the ignorance of NEEDING to learn (after all, this is actively discouraged in many cultures—getting too big for the proverbial britches), and you have a serious disadvantage created for many people.

Because many people, despite their kinks and fetishes and needs are raised in ways that don’t encourage a whole hell of a lot of introspection and DO encourage a great deal of casting blame on “people not like us.”

Yes, they are still responsible for their behavior. They just don’t have the experience or understanding or skills to do much about it.


Because most of these idiots are anything but.

It’s a case of topic-specific idiocy.

These idiots are lawyers, and doctors, and business people. They are charming in their daily lives, and get along with people. They might even be good-looking and successful.

But they have no idea how to handle themselves in kink.

They are nervous. Afraid, even. And defensive.

BUT, some of them turn around. And grow. And provide amazing value to the people around them, while enjoying happier lives.

And if I can help, if I can provide the turning point, the inspiration, the clue, I’ll do it. Because I have the energy and the resources.

And so, I’m kind.

At least most of the time.

That Door? It’s There For You To Leave.

A venn diagram with two circles overlapping. And arrow pointing to the overlap says, "The sweet spot for friendship, love, romance, sexytimes, etc."

I believe in making it easy for people to step out of my life.

If they don’t want to be here with me, they shouldn’t be forced to.

By making it easy to leave, I like to think that it takes away the resentment that comes along with being stuck, and gives us the chance to really dig in and make things happen, with a worst case scenario being “Well, it’s easy to leave.”

And frankly, if someone does not want to be with me, I don’t want them there.

Or rather, I don’t want to force them there. I may want them, of course. Heck, I want a lot of things, but if I learn they don’t want me or like me as much as I like or want them, I don’t want them as hard anymore. Because part of a turn on for me is being liked and wanted. And that’s the sweet spot for me.

It’s about two people. Two sides. A door that goes both in and out.

And if you’re not ready to leave, but we’re not in the sweet spot? I’m cool with that, too. Let’s find another kind of relationship, where we are both on the same page, enjoying what we have together, in the sweet spot.

But if you’re wanting more than I do, and you won’t stop pushing me, or if you give me an ultimatum, or if you want me to chase you to validate your feelings, or whatever?

That’s what that door is there for. Use it.

Win! (Or Fail Spectacularly.)

Yoda from Star Wars: Do or do not. There is no try.

“No! Try not. Do or do not. There is no try.” – Yoda

Anthony Robbins also has a fun skit on trying to pick up a chair, that I’ve quoted below:

A woman struggling in her marriage stood up in one of Tony’s seminars to complain that she had “tried everything” to improve her relationship with her husband but nothing had changed.

Tony went on to make a distinction that I think is vitally important. He asked the woman to try to pick up the chair she was sitting in. She turned around and picked up the chair.

Continue reading “Win! (Or Fail Spectacularly.)”