“I Only Add People I Know.”

Add to Friends button with Weird Al profile.

When I first joined FetLife, I only friended people that I knew. After a short period, that became people I have met in person. It felt more comfortable that way. More managed.

It felt good, and it’s a valid position to take.

I’ve changed to pretty much the opposite now over the past few years. I’m a friend whore (slut?—it’s not like anyone pays). I don’t have to really be connected at all to be open to FetLife friendship.

Someone said “I don’t think anyone with 5,000 friends here on FetLife can meaningfully connect and must be promoting something,” and I agree. That’s true.

I AM promoting myself and my projects. For sure.

Continue reading ““I Only Add People I Know.””

My Results Do Not Equal Yours

The words: "Part Performance Guarantees Future Results," with a red circle/slash around it.

Yesterday, @Fentrix said in a comment on my writing:

As if talking about an opinion I’ve held that I’ve found useful in my life has anything to do with right or wrong, it has to do with utility.

To which I answered just this morning:

Yes! It’s useful to me. If it’s useful to you, I’m so glad. If it’s not, that’s cool, too. If I inspired you to think… I’m pleased as punch.

I don’t care that people believe in compromise in their relationships, in low context communication, in CNC… If it works for them and their partners, I’m all for it.

I do talk about how I think and why, and how I grow through issues, because when I’ve been doing all this, reading others doing the same thing (even in vastly different channels) has helped me learn more about myself and how I think.

And then looking at my calendar, I see that the point meshes quite well with what I intended to write about today. Continue reading “My Results Do Not Equal Yours”

This Is Not About Changing YOUR Mind…

A journal page with a giraffe on it, with a handwritten speech bubble containing the words, "It's Not Always About You"

In fact, none of what I write or discuss online is about convincing you to change your mind.

I don’t really care what you think/feel.

I mean, sure, if I think you’re a bigot, I’d love for you to not be, for the sake of the people around you and the people you may hold some sort of power over, but making you a not-bigot is not my goal on a daily basis.

After all, you have a right to think and believe as you see fit, and I’m pretty sure you’re aware of the consequences and are willing to live with those.

If you already have a strong opinion, I’m not writing to you.

Continue reading “This Is Not About Changing YOUR Mind…”

Nobody Listens Online…

The words scrawled: Why Doesn't Anybody Listen?

Actually, that’s not true. Not at all. I’ve found myself incredibly welcomed online for the most part, and I think many of you have, too.

Yesterday I wrote about listening as an active and integral part of communication.

I quoted Alan Alda saying:

“Real listening is a willingness to let the other person change you.”

And when I read what today’s piece was about, according to my calendar, I laughed at how life does sometimes. After all, this is a writing I’ve put off a gadzillion times, probably one of the first writings in my calendar over a year and half ago.

But today, I write it. Continue reading “Nobody Listens Online…”

I Live My Life In Stories

A piece of paper in a typewriter with the words, "Once Upon a Time."

Not just because I’m a writer, although that certainly exacerbates it.

Something happens, and I build my stories around it… some call them memories. I like ‘stories.’ It has a nice ring.

ANYONE I interact with is part of my stories. You may see yourself in one. It may even be about you. However, I’ll say that’s rare.

By the time I write about something, usually the inspiration has been past for months. And what I’ve written is usually sufficiently generic that it can cover any of a half-dozen situations, because it’s become a story.

A story I tell myself about things, to help me explain my world. Continue reading “I Live My Life In Stories”

What Is The Source Of Your Frustration?

A cartoon lady looking quite frustrated.

If you feel frustrated with or have resentment towards another person not living up to who you think they should be, you are likely in a covert contract, and need to rethink your path, clearing it of entitlement and non-consensual expectations.

Communicate. Set personal boundaries. Act.

If you are frustrated with yourself because you want to be good at something and you know you can do better than you have been, then you are on the right track.

You could probably lighten up on yourself, but you are on the right track.

How To Turn “No” Into “Hell Yeah!”

Hell Yeah!

No, this isn’t a piece about convincing people to have sex with you.

I think that’s gross.

It’s a piece about how to be happy with “No.”

In fact, it’s a piece about how “No” can be something you look forward to, second only to “Hell Yeah!” and sometimes a very very “Hell Yeah!” thing of it’s own.

You see, over the past month, I’ve been courting a new developer for my project. Someone who might come in and actually take some ownership. We’d gone back and forth on the deal, and when they were good with it, all that was left was to introduce them to the team.

We set up a lunch date a week later.

And, over that weekend, while I was traveling, I suddenly knew it wasn’t going to happen.

Continue reading “How To Turn “No” Into “Hell Yeah!””

A Conversation With A Judgy Man…

A very concerned-looking man in a judge's robe with a gavel in the foreground. Overlaid with the words "Judgy Man Is Judgy."
  • AJudgyMan† joined the group FetLife Announcements. about 1 year ago

† Name changed to protect whatever. You’ll see.

  • AJudgyMan changed his location to Raleigh, North Carolina, United States. 8 months ago
  • AJudgyMan changed his gender to male. 8 months ago
  • AJudgyMan changed his role to Sensualist. 8 months ago
  • AJudgyMan changed his sexual orientation to homoflexible. 8 months ago
  • AJudgyMan updated the about section on his profile. 8 months ago

“Just looking to see whats out there and who I vibe with.
Anonymity is imperative”

  • AJudgyMan changed his sexual orientation to heteroflexible. 7 months ago

THEN, he contacted me.

With no photo, no friends, no… well, you’ll see.

It was pretty banal for a few exchanges. Nothing to write home about, then, he asked:

“So, do you think 2 self proclaimed Dominants can get along?”

I replied:

I have a lot of dominant friends.

I have no desire to make everything into combat.

“Good cause neither do I, actually. theres fun teasing and play and theres some girls that hold a penis envy gotta prove something.

In the end, Im just looking for cool people, that know how to draw the line between the facade of all this kinky play. I have no need to want to control a woman out of the bedroom – but I do love dominant play in the bedroom, and sometimes out. But theres something definitely wrong with a person that wants to be controlled by another person out of the kinky play. So, I have nothing to say to a slave. theyre no fun – I need alittle resistence to keep things playful.”

I replied:

I’m sorry. You just said something that I find incredibly judgmental. Perhaps you could clarify:

“But theres something definitely wrong with a person that wants to be controlled by another person out of the kinky play.”

“The line gets crossed, for me, when you have someone that either wants to have their life, not just their kinky fun, completely controlled by another or they have some deep seeded need to control another’s life. 24/7 Doms, Slaves are something I understand but do not respect.

In the bedroom, thats fun, but thats where you separate the illusion of power this lifestyle allows and step into a twisted unhealthy psychological need that stems from some mental issues.

I dare you to try to argue that”

I replied:

I have no desire to argue it.

I am dominant inside the bedroom and out. My Pet and others look to me for more than sexual role play, and I enjoy that role.

I wish you the best of luck in everything you do.

“Funny cause a true dominant doesnt walk away like that – but anyone on here can play one.

Enjoy your writing

And if I offended you by the last “judgemental” remarks – youre probably exactly like the mentally ill people that take this lifestyle way too seriously, because they need to – in which case I feel sorry for you.”

Enjoy that feeling of superiority, oh creepy one. I’m too busy enjoying my amazing life to give a flying fuck.


Continue reading “A Conversation With A Judgy Man…”

This Is Why

This Is Why

“you helped my ex-wife and i reconcile back together and into a FLR cuckold relationship. thank you”

It’s not the FLR bit. It’s not the cuckolding. It’s the reconciliation. It’s the connecting. It’s the simple act of sending a thank you note for something appreciated.

This is why I do what I do. This is why I post as often as I can. Why I write books. Why I talk to people who seem hopeless.

Because every once in a while, I get a message like this.

And even once in a while is enough for me to put in that effort every singe day.