Online Kinky Dating: The First Message, Part I

Hello, would you be interested in talking about a prison role play based around the strict UK system I spent sometime as an inmate recently and it got me thinking
— Anon

No.
—NookieNotes in reply to Anon

When people ask me questions about kinky dating, especially online, the number one question is usually something like this, “What do I say?” or  like, “How do I approach KinkyDreamBoopsie705 online, get their attention, and quite possibly make a connection?”

A good first message will contain the following elements:

  • Introduction
  • Interest
  • Respect
  • Potential connection
  • Invitation

Introduction. Who are you? I can’t tell you how many times people write to me without actually introducing themselves.

Interest. State your interest. There is no need to be super direct, but if you are writing to talk about their flogging expertise, say so. If you’re interested in dating, make it clear.

Respect. Be considerate of who you are writing, understanding that everyone is different, and your kinks are not necessarily their kinks, nor are people online to act as bit players in your kinky fantasies.

Potential connection. Mention something you have in common, to start a conversation or at least show that you read their profile.

Invitation. Give them a subtle or not-so-subtle invitation to respond.
Now, this may sound like a lot of things to think about, and maybe a very long message, but it’s pretty easy.

Let’s look at an example:

Good morning UserName,

(the use of a username here shows respect in both specificity and in not assuming titles or kink roles)

I was perusing your profile and I find you fascinating, and, frankly, amazingly attractive. I was particularly interested in your statement about hedgehog racing, since I’ve had an interest in that area for years, and I’ve always wanted to learn more. What got you into that?

(Fascinating, amazingly attractive: indicators of romantic interest. Hedgehog racing: potential connection. ‘What got you into that?’ is an invitation to continue the conversation.)

Oh, and pardon my enthusiasm. I’m [UserName or preferred name], and I’m ever so happy to make your acquaintance.

(Introduction.)

Is there a name or title besides UserName you prefer?

(Respect. Asking after titles or preferred names, rather than making an assumption, treating the receiver as a valuable human with a right to be unique.)

Have a fantabulous day!
[UserName or preferred name signature]

See? Easy.

And that basic first message template can be used over and over:

[Greeting of some kind.][UserName],

I was perusing your profile, and I [indicate interest without sexual overtones]. I was particularly interested in [what caught your interest], [give a reason]. [Ask a question about it, or start a conversation for them to respond to.]

[Introduce yourself.]

Is there a name or title besides UserName you prefer?

Have a fantabulous day!

[UserName or preferred name signature]

Of course, you’ll want to use your own words/turns of phrase, not mine. I often include *smiles*, because that’s part of how I talk online, and it helps people get to know me.

The key is not sending out messages that seem lazy, or don’t invite response. If all you send is, “hi,” it’s no wonder you rarely get messages back.

Same with copy pasta (copy and paste text): usually long-winded messages all about you and what you are looking for and blah, blah, blah.

When you don’t even mention why you are writing to them, or even use their name, what reason have they got to respond? You could be (and probably are) sending that message to every photo that catches your eye.

Things that are generally best avoided in a first message:

  • Sexual content (via words or photos).
  • Assumption of D/s or kink roles (calling someone Mistress or slut in the first message, for example).
  • A “shopping list” of your kinky wants and needs.
  • Offers of service.
  • Boastful descriptions of yourself (including how much money you make, or what luxury car you drive).

So, keeping these in mind, you’re ready to send that first message and hopefully start a conversation.

Not everyone will write back. In fact, maybe most will not. That’s OK.

After all, you really only want to connect with the right people, not just anyone.

But let’s say they respond? How do you make good conversation online, in the hopes of making a real connection?

Well, of course I have a few tips for you! I’ll post those in another writing, coming soon.

*smiles*

This is an excerpt from my book, Dating Kinky, Releasing October 1, available for preorder from Amazon.

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