Poly Is Not…Always At Fault (Poly Is Not, Part XXI)

EVERY poly person I know in real life has been through this.

  • An argument happens about something in the poly relationship.
  • Things get heated.
  • The words get said, “Well, i guess this poly thing is just bullshit.”

Of course, the words may not be EXACTLY those words. They might be, “Ever since we went poly, nothings has gone right,” or “This was your idea, why are you bitching about poly now?”

Or something like that.

Putting the blame square on polyamory as if it is the source of ALL relationship troubles now that your ethically non-monogamous.

Well, guess what?

Poly is not always at fault.

Note: [I am NOT in any way saying that polyamory is right for everyone.][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/4778178] I am not a bloody priestess of the ethically non-monogamous. I write about poly for those curious about how it works (and doesn’t), and for those who are looking for new perspectives on their own journey in ethical non-monogamy.

There are so many things related to polyamory that aren’t poly. Including things that look like jealousy that aren’t.

Like:

  • You’ve double booked, and SOMEONE is going to be disappointed.
  • You’re caught up in NRE and forgetting the maintenance behaviors that you usually give your longer-term mates.
  • You’ve got less passion or desire for your longer-term relationship.
  • You’ve been being less present in your time with your longer-term partner.
  • You’re stressed, because everyone wants you, and you’re not good at setting priorities and boundaries.
  • You’ve screwed up commitments that were incompatible with something you’re exploring.

And so on.

Sure, having more than one lover can be the reason for your double-booking. The same thing can happen with friends or family or work, and it will cause hurt feelings.

You may forget maintenance behaviors in your monogamous relationship as well. Many people do. People bitch about this shit online ALL THE TIME.

Your passion may ebb and flow because of a new partner (or partners), or because of hormones or a bad day.

And blah, blah, blah.

The polyamory/ethical non-monogamy is not the issue, necessarily.

It’s the catalyst for the behaviors that are causing strain and upset.

So, blaming the poly automatically is disingenuous, and takes the responsibility off the behavior, and puts it onto a lifestyle.

Poly is not always at fault. Sometimes relationship management skills are the culprit.

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