Dating Kinky
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This writing is now available as a podcast episode!


In fact, I rarely think in shades of grey. Or compromise. Or whatever it is we’re told we’re supposed to do to get along in this world.

I’m perfectly comfortable with seemingly opposite viewpoints happily coexisting in my head, to be trotted out in different situations (or sometimes together).

For a long time, I used “DichotomousMe” as a handle on dating sites. It led to some funny discussions, many of which started with a question about what it meant.

So, when a friend of mine wrote me this morning (as they often do), with the following, I was inspired to talk about how these black and white ideas are generally far from opposites, and in fact, are more alike than not.

At least in my head.

And, in talking with others who have similar thoughts…in theirs.

I enjoy your writings. For example, yesterday you wrote:

“When we WANT to get the D Delivery, we want it.”

On your profile page you write:

“If you are simply looking for panties to get into, move on.”

As someone who is safely ensconced in a monogamous relationship, I feel bold enough to tell you that that line in your profile is why I’ve never asked to get into your panties.

This is the part I immediately responded to in my head.

Because the line in my profile is VERY clear to me, and perhaps not so much to others (I’m OK with that).

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This writing is now available as a podcast episode!


Someone said in a comment on a previous post:

It is my experience that there are substantially more women that are looking for relationships, than something casual. Just have a look at Tinder. If I had a nickel for every girl that said, ‘Looking for something real, NO HOOKUPS’…well, I’d have a shit ton of nickels.

I’mma explain something to you. You’re a man. Your experience is pretty much what you make of it, when it comes to women.

My experience as a woman (and in talking to women, it’s a common experience) is:

First of all, if I look on Tinder, most of the people of all genders say they are not there for hookups.

Which, when I am, is saddening.

Second, I don’t ‘do hookups,’ because the way some interpret hookups is WAY TOO LITERAL. Like, “Lemme get your name, then touch your girlie bits.”

That just won’t work.

When we WANT to get the D Delivery, we want it. We want it from someone we will not hate ourselves for, after, though.

And that takes a modicum of effort.

Yesterday, someone called a close friend of mine and accused me of being a predator.

While I believe I am the furthest thing from a predator (I have played with two newbies in 10 years, and I am never the sexual aggressor outside of my relationships—although I do flirt hard, it’s mostly hot air), I thought to myself:

  • What IS a predator in the community?
  • How do we separate a predator from shitty kink going wrong?
  • How do we judge ourselves and others when accusations are leveled, beyond a popularity contest?

I realized I don’t have a concrete answer.

I asked a group yesterday, and I got a few suggestions, and a feeling of “I know it when I see it.”

But is that enough?

Maybe it has to be. However, I think that as a community we can do better. We can collectively come up with some guidelines, red flags, maybe even some warnings that could help others identify.

And yes, there are always examples of people who meet a condition who are not predators. That’s going to require judgement.

But just as the DSM is not a single rule for a diagnoses, I’m guessing that predatory behavior will be a strong cluster of correlated symptoms that can lead to diagnoses, or at least greater care and watching.

Here are a few suggestions to start with:

  • Seeking out primarily newbies for play.
  • Refusing to go to public events. “Too much drama in the community.” or “I’m misunderstood.”
  • Ill intent.
  • Complaints at events and venues.
  • On multiple “don’t fly” lists for events and socials (I do know this is not something the average kinkster will know).
  • Patterns of problematic behavior.
  • Rapid cycling of partners.
  • Isolating partners/denying access to other kinksters.

AGAIN: I’ll state that these things can happen for a lot of reasons. Rapid cycling of partners can be someone who enjoy multiple casual and fleeting relationships, so using it as the ONLY criteria is a bit slut-shamey.

I’ll also note that predators come in all types. While we tend to think of the male dominant, I’ve known submissives, switches, baby-girls, and pets that I would say “I know it when I see it, and I see it,” about.

So, what makes a predator?

How could we as a community define and therefore spot them and warm about them better?

How could individuals rely less on “I’ll know it when I see it”?

I look forward to your thoughts and insights.

Image by Sarah Richter from Pixabay