NC Submissive Locals: I’m Teaching At The Submissive Safe Haven Symposium AGAIN!

Submissive Safe Haven

Damn! Soooooo exciting! My fifth year at SSH, and I’m thrilled.

https://fetlife.com/events/722303

They have grown so much in five years, and the value they offer to the submissive community is incalculable.

This year, I’m doing two classes built specifically for SSH (that will be added to my round-up after they are debuted there):

Dating Kinky: Hands-On Profile

I’ve already given my kinky dating class at SSH, and apparently, they want more. This class is about Dating Kinky, zeroing in on one of the biggest challenges we all face: How to present ourselves to the people we hope to meet for play, for dating, for love, and more. We’ll work together as a group on the dreaded self-focused essay and also give tips and collective suggestions on sharing photos and more.

Communication Across The Slash: For S-Types

Communication is communication, right? Well, yes. And no. For some, especially for submissives, it can be beyond difficult to speak up and say what needs to be said. In this class, we’ll discuss ways to share your thoughts with your D-Types and ideas for helping to build a framework of communication within your relationship to last you for decades.

Like I said, this is my fifth year being invited to teach, and not only am I honored at being asked back, but looking at the line up of teachers and topics, I’m thrilled to be part of such a group.

I hope to see you there!

Kink Fantasy Vs. Kink Reality

Kink Fantasy Vs. Kink Reality

A common conversation:

They say:

Something, something, kink, something, blah blah blah, [insert porn ideology here].

I reply:

“That’s all fantasy. Reality is a different world.”

They return:

Well, reality is overrated.

This is where they always lose me.

Reality is my homey. You dis reality, you dis me.

I’m all about the real.

In fact, I don’t even “fantasize” in the normal ways, because when I have fantasies, I generally pursue them and realize them, and know that fantasy cannot (for me) ever beat the feel of flesh on flesh, the scent of another body, then sounds of grunts and words, the tastes of sweat and saliva, the sights, even of blackness when blindfolded.

To me, fantasy is the bit that’s overrated.

I mean, it’s fun. I don’t knock it. I read fantasy and fiction. It’s entertaining. It’s inspiring. I credit books with shaping my life in many ways.

As Jimmy so wisely said:

“Read dozens of books about heroes and crooks,
And I learned much from both of their styles.”

Sharing fantasies with Pet has allowed me to get to know his deeper self much more effectively (I believe) than trying to dig out and discover things as I went, or as they came up in conversation.

Even online porn and memes, which often represent the most extreme edges of la-la land and unrealistic ideations of what a specific kink might represent has it’s uses when made into a tool for talking about concepts that we may not yet have had our own words for.

But for us, while the fantasy is useful and hot, nothing beats actually doing things together. Even when they are not as extreme, perhaps, they still have US. Our connection. Our real senses of touch and taste and hearing. And they fit into our real lives as well.

And I’ve seen fantasy become a jail for many. An addiction.

Those who fall willingly down the rabbit hole of extreme ideas and fetishes, who never even experienced the first level in real life, so they are constantly chasing the utmost in kinky/fetish play, when they have yet to find a partner who will even start at the basics with them.

And so, they thirst.

And thirst.

And become (and behave) THIRSTY.

And people turn away, because those who look for these things in reality know the unrealistic fantasy when they see it. And know the addiction.

In my view, fantasy can be an amazing tool for communication and inspiration in a relationship.

If it’s never backed up by or partnered with reality, though, for me, it loses it’s appeal and fast.

What do you think?

What is amazing about fantasy? What is good? How has it helped you in your exploration of kink or your relationships?

What is not so healthy about fantasy? Have you seen it in a negative light before?

And reality. What do you LOVE about reality? What frustrates you about it, or when does reality feel like a let-down?

The Difference Between Posting Your Junk And Sending “Dick Pics”

The Difference Between Posting Your Junk And Sending "Dick Pics"

Yesterday, I wrote about showing off what you have, and several people on FetLife mentioned the ‘dick pic’ thing, which is a valid consideration and rife with potential for hypocrisy.

Here’s my view:

1. Posting a photo of your junk (whatever your gender) on FetLife (or another adult social site) in your photos…

Is one thing. Your profile, your consent. If you post publicly, anyone can CHOOSE to see the detail (from the thumbnail in their feed or slightly larger version, should it go K&P on FetLife) and comment as they desire.

2. Posting a photo of your junk as your avatar…

Is another level, as that not only shows in personal feeds, but also shows up next to every message you send, comment you post, and so on. It’s still very much consensual, in that this IS a kink site and it’s expected.

On the other hand, it’s a bit more invasive, pushing your junk to everyone.

People do complain about this. And that’s understandable. After all, it can be a bit disconcerting having a conversation with genitalia.

3. Sending unsolicited non-consensual dick pics via messenger, kik, text, etc…

This is the main cause of complain of these three. It’s not necessarily in an environment where random genitalia is/are expected (or considerate), and without consent/solicitation, it’s no bueno.

Because in many of these cases, there is NO CHOICE to see or not.

And it’s not just the dick.

After all, we’ve probably all seen dick. I’ve seen A LOT of dick. So much that when I used ot post on Craigslist, I would tell people not to send dick pics, because I’d already received THE WORST, and they could not compete. Highlights of that joy included:

  • Unsolicited.
  • Video.
  • Appalling music. Really terrible.
  • The cum shot is a let down. It was more of a dribble than a shoot. AND it happened at 15 seconds in, with another 1min 45 left in the video.
  • Unflattering. The model seemed to have a nice body, but that position did nothing for their physique.
  • Grotesque psychedelic overlay. Who wants to look at a moldy-colored cock?

Many are quite lovely compared to that.

But the mindset of forcing your naughties on my eyes is as unattractive as the dick pics themselves. More, even.

I explained more here on why: Your Cock Vs. My Cock.

So, when discussing “dick pic shaming” versus nasty comments on personal profile photos, perhaps these are the nuances you’re looking for.

What do you think?

Of course, I’m open to your ideas and thoughts on the differences (if any) as YOU see them.

A Tale Of Two Cocks

A Tale Of Two Cocks

I know these cocks. Two wonderful, amazing cocks. Each owns a perfectly average guy.

One cock, let’s call him S, owns a 5’9″ Italian guy with a cheeky smile and a dad bod.

The other cock, B, owns a wiry 6’1″ Latino man with a slouch, a shock of dark hair and a twinkle in his eye.

Their people are very different. S enjoys hiking all over the world, eschews carbs and alcohol (mostly), while B is a bit anti-social and loves nothing more than playing guitar, smoking “hippy lettuce,” and drinking vodka.

And both cocks LOVE sex.

Like, a lot.

S is about 7″ long, of average thickness, and can be a bit shy around more than one woman at a time (although he’s getting over that!).

B is 9″ long, about 7″ around, and gets hard when the fan blows him. Even in awkward situations.

Continue reading “A Tale Of Two Cocks”

A Labor Of Love & Kink: My New Book, Dating Kinky, Is FREE Oct 1-3, 2018

Dating Kinky: How to find the kinky love of your fantasies.

I first had the idea to write Dating Kinky about three years ago, before I started my kinky dating site, or even intended to create one. In fact, the site grew out of the book, even if the book took longer to reach completion.

And now, it’s here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07GMTCMBK

Live.

And free, today and tomorrow, through Amazon kindle.

YAY!

Super-YAY!

I really wanted to write a book that offers real, approachable, and actionable information on how to put yourself out there and meet kinky folk, poly people, fetishists and more—without making it sound like some sort of uber-secret society with special handshakes and a 117-point process for determining whether you are “TWOO” enough to get in.

Some of the things I cover:

  • Writing your profile
  • Picking your best pictures
  • Safety and privacy online
  • The first message
  • Community
  • Rejection (giving and getting)
  • And more…

I’ve put a lot into this book for the kinky community, and so have others.

Taylor J. Mace of http://www.feistyfoxfilms.com wrote a chapter on “Protocol Across The Miles.”

Protocol Across The Miles, by Taylor J. Mace, excerpt from Dating Kinky

Alex W. of  http://SexologyBae.com co-wrote “Don’t Believe Everything You Think,” about examining our assumptions and our attractions.

Beyond The First Date,” by Rebecca Blanton, author of “The Big Workbook for Submissives,” from http://loveletterstoaunicorn.com and https://www.fatchicksontop.com is an entire section about entering the kink community and making the most of it.

Luna Matatas of http://lunamatatas.com wrote “Five Things I Ask Potential Dominants Or Submissives Pre-Date,” an insightful guide to getting to know how people think their kink.

Other amazing people, like Ferns, Michael C., David Shade, and Franklin Veaux also contributed with their knowledge and presence in my life.

It’s been an amazing journey to get to this point, and I’m excited to share this with you.

I hope you’ll enjoy “Dating Kinky: How to find the kinky love of your fantasies.” and share it with others!

US Link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07GMTCMBK
UK Link: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07GMTCMBK
DE Link: https://www.amazon.de/dp/B07GMTCMBK
FR Link: https://www.amazon.fr/dp/B07GMTCMBK
ES Link: https://www.amazon.es/dp/B07GMTCMBK
IT Link: https://www.amazon.it/dp/B07GMTCMBK
NL LInk: https://www.amazon.nl/dp/B07GMTCMBK
JP Link: https://www.amazon.co.jp/dp/B07GMTCMBK
BR Link: https://www.amazon.com.br/dp/B07GMTCMBK
CA Link: https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B07GMTCMBK
MX Link: https://www.amazon.com.mx/dp/B07GMTCMBK
AU Link: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B07GMTCMBK

Just Be Yourself AND Be More Than That

FUCKITY FUCK Locks

When it comes to dating, people often say, “Just be yourself. Just be authentic.”

The problem with that is that a lot of us suck as humans.

In people, there is no magical STEP-BY-STEP FUCKITY FUCK PROCESS. Humans are not combination locks, to be opened with a series of moves.

And so, we not-so-good-at-being-human humans miss out on the FUCKITY FUCK (or whatever goodness of humanity: hugs, smiles, cuddling, deep love, satisfying orgasms… whatever).

Continue reading “Just Be Yourself AND Be More Than That”

Body Positivity AND Inclusivity…

Body Types Positivity

One of the things I’ve been focused on with Dating Kinky is creating an atmosphere of  kink, sex, and body positivity.

In the original site, I offered the following options for “body type” on profiles:

  • Average
  • Petite
  • Slim
  • Athletic
  • Curvy
  • A Little Extra
  • Muscular
  • BBW / BHM

In the new site, I’ve separated (by request):

  • BBW – Big Beautiful Woman
  • BHM – Big Handsome Man

As I’m working on these today, and preparing to migrate the old site data over to the new site, I was thinking about how we’ll let all the men know that we now have an option for them, when I was stopped in my (thinking) tracks.

This is a very binary view, no matter how body positive it is.

So, what to put in for the non-binaries?

  • BGP – Big Gorgeous Person?
  • FSP – Fluffy Sexy Person?
  • MFTL – More For The Lovin’?

What?

I’ll admit I’m pretty much lost in this one, and I’m asking YOU, the ones who might use a label like this, what you might want to see here.

Online Kinky Dating: The First Message, Part I

The First Message

Hello, would you be interested in talking about a prison role play based around the strict UK system I spent sometime as an inmate recently and it got me thinking
— Anon

No.
—NookieNotes in reply to Anon

When people ask me questions about kinky dating, especially online, the number one question is usually something like this, “What do I say?” or  like, “How do I approach KinkyDreamBoopsie705 online, get their attention, and quite possibly make a connection?”

A good first message will contain the following elements:

  • Introduction
  • Interest
  • Respect
  • Potential connection
  • Invitation

Introduction. Who are you? I can’t tell you how many times people write to me without actually introducing themselves. Continue reading “Online Kinky Dating: The First Message, Part I”