Dating: Who Messages First?

Dating: Is It Men Versus Women?

On a FetLife group about dating on OKC, the question was asked:

Who messages first?

According to a new study done by the OKCupid team, they stated that more messages happen when she sends the first message. What are your thoughts on this study? What do you feel would be the best course of actions to pursue a mate? What is your thought from the perspective of the opposite sex?

So I responded:

So, I did an informal dating study last year about exactly this (I was doing research for a kinky dating book I’m writing with a co-author). Here is what I did:

Set up an account almost exactly the same as my personal account, different pictures, but still my face, etc.

Wrote about the same thing, but different words. Continue reading “Dating: Who Messages First?”

Why Do You Give A Fuck What Label I Use?

I do not identify as “Domme” on Fet.

I don’t think it is a clear enough picture of who I am. I like so many different sub-classifications that I simply chose kinkster as my label.

As such, I get a lot of questions, and quite a few propositions. And when I turn them down, I often get a snide comment about my label.

Thing is, I’m not special.

This label yourself according to MY definition thing is crazy prevalent. All over the place. People are trying to police how others can identify through some sort of strange personal set of standards.

Kinkster, to me, mostly covers who I am:

  • Dominant woman
  • Sex fiend
  • Top
  • bottom
  • Cuckoldress
  • Humiliatrix
  • Curious (about damn near everything)
  • Silly
  • Introspective

And yadda, yadda.

Yet, people write to me for THE SECKS, and when I turn them down, tell me I must not enjoy sex and must hate men.

Or ask me to top them, and when I say, “I am not a service top, I really only get pleasure from topping those I love, and frankly, I don’t know how to safely whip you,” tell me I’m not a kinkster.

And then there are those, who when see me bottoming for rope or fire or whatever, say things like, “I thought you were dominant.”

I say I love and prefer alpha submissives, and people go of on a rail about how alpha submissives is a label designed to make other submissives feel inferior for not being alpha… WTF? Seriously?

Why do you give a fuck what label I use?

  • Does kinkster make me more or less something than you think I should be?
  • Do you think that me saying I am dominant is an agreement to never enjoy getting my hair pulled during sex again?
  • Does saying I love sex mean to you that I mus then have sex with every human that ever approaches me, ever, or I lose my “I <3 The Sex” card?
  • Does saying I enjoy cuckolds mean that I don’t like other labels, or I think they are inferior?

Honestly, kinkster does not fully describe me.

If I had my druthers, I’d choose Epicurean.

It’s a philosophy of pleasure as the highest form of good. Hot as in hedonism, but in understanding that living moderately and choosing pleasures carefully is more important than excess and the harm that is cause to oneself and others as a result.

According to Epicurus, with whom a person eats is of greater importance than what is eaten. Unnecessary and, especially, artificially produced desires were to be suppressed.

I agree. Who one sexes with, tops with, bottoms with, cuckolds with, humiliates with, sillies with, dominates with explores with and introspects with is more important than the acts themselves.

But, as Epicurean was not available, I did as my dear friend Kiba says, and chose kinkster “because it was the closest thing to ‘yes’ in the drop-down menu.”

And still, I ask:

Why do you give a fuck what label I use? Or what label others use?

I’m curious. How do YOU see me (there are no wrong answers, just perceptions)? I’m open to all, positive and negative.

And how do you label yourself? And why?

What Does It Take To Be A Dominant?

What does it take to be dominant?

Does being a dominant have a certain set of physical standards to measure up to, for example?

On tumblr, someone posted this:

I wish my ex-husband Scott could have been this guy for me… but the reality is, you can’t be a Dom with a four inch penis. Just. Not. Possible.

My reply:

I respect this woman’s right to state her opinion. As a cuckoldress, it seems like a pretty standard opinion.

However, I beg to differ.

The size of your cock (the size of your wallet, your boob size, how skinny you are, a leather allergy, color of your skin) does NOT have any factor in how dominant of a person you are (or are not).

Period.

I know men who are short, fat, ugly and hung like hamsters who still do just fine with their dominance.

In fact, I know more than one submissive woman who PREFERS a smaller cock. One woman I know HATES anything over 5 inches. It’s uncomfortable for her.

So, again, I respect the fact that you cannot be THAT WOMAN’S DOMINANT with a four inch penis. That’s fair, for those who prefer larger cocks and associate those to manhood/aggression/dominance.

However, it has no bearing whatsoever on whether you can be “a dominant” in my view.

Your thoughts?

Let’s Talk About References…

Kinky References

So, in a lot of writings here on Fet and elsewhere, I constantly see notes about vetting the people you play with and checking references. I even wrote about it.

On another site, a young lady who was new to a town wanted to get some ideas on how best to check the experience of a Dom who was courting her.

She go the usual suggestions, then someone said something along the lines of:

I don’t check references, and I don’t trust people who speak of references. I do just fine on my own, thank you.

Granted, this is not a word-for word, but it does pretty much cover the concept as I read it, which got me thinking. And of course, once one person says something, all the others who are against or just not for references chime is as well.

And they make some valid points. And I thought of some other things that are rarely discussed myself, so I thought I’d write this. Continue reading “Let’s Talk About References…”

The Other Side Of Pussy Privilege

The Other Side Of Pussy Privilege

So, I wrote yesterday (I’m trying to write everyday for a while) about pussy privilege, and how I understand it, and the parts of my personal ethic that I have created as a result.

Today, I’d like to discuss some of the things I did not say yesterday. The things that go along with that privilege.

I wrote about privilege first, because thoughts of it affect me more, so please don’t think I’m whining. I’m not. This writing is more to balance things out and give another perspective than anything. Continue reading “The Other Side Of Pussy Privilege”

About My Privilege—Especially Pussy Privilege

Pussy Privilege in Dating

I have privilege. In many, many ways. I know this. Not all ways.

Growing up, we were never rich. I never had the cool clothes. I was never part of an “in” crowd. I went to public schools, whatever was around. I didn’t go to camp, or take part in educational extra curricular activities…

Unless you call tromping around the woods catching critters like a wild child ‘educational extra curricular activities.’

I kinda do. LOL! Continue reading “About My Privilege—Especially Pussy Privilege”

I Posted An Ad On Craigslist And I Got Compared To An Alcoholic Or Druggie

Slut Shaming

So, now and again, I post ads on CL. For dates, to meet new people, bulls, heck, I even buy and sell things sometimes.

I recently posted an ad. I described myself:

I am super-smart and interested in your mind as much as your body. I’m good at sex and sensuality and believe there is more to a successful encounter than a grab for the genitals.

I am polyamorous. I am also very selective.

I am bi-sexual, feminine, and driven. I prefer my sex with a side of connection, and a hint (sometimes more) of kink.

I’m moderately attractive. Some think I’m beautiful. I’m curvy, a US size 8-10.

I am a woman who likes to take charge. What does this mean to you? It means you can be yourself. Strong, capable, loving, aggressive, successful… and you can be mine. 100% devoted and rewarded for it with deep intimacy, powerful love, and amazing sex.

I got 137 replies before I turned the ad off. Yeah… pretty much par for the course, if it doesn’t get flagged by people I’ve rejected. LOL! Continue reading “I Posted An Ad On Craigslist And I Got Compared To An Alcoholic Or Druggie”

References Don’t Work AFTER The Damage Is Done!

Unused references are like spilled milk.

Saturday, I taught at LaFortress. A BJ class and an orgasm class. Had a great time, met new people, and heard something that made my stomach sink.

Someone has used my name, my online presence, and their connection to me as a friend as a reference. And then gone on to be a bit of a dickhead.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time, nor the first person to do this. And also, unfortunately, I hear about it after the fact far more often than I am contacted before things can go wrong.

So, here’s a quick refresher on how to use a reference within the lifestyle:

1. Get a reference.

This could happen one of several ways: Someone gives you a name or several of people that they are confident will say good things about them. Perhaps they mention the name of someone who has a good reputation in the community in passing, as if they know them well. Better yet, you watch them online, and choose random interactions to learn about them. Continue reading “References Don’t Work AFTER The Damage Is Done!”

Poly Relationships: “Most of the poly relationships I know fail.”

Poly Relationships

So, I’m doing some professional-level procrastinating right now, and TheFerret popped up in my feed with this piece on poly relationships:

“Why Are You Poly People Always Yammering On About Polyamory?” (link to FetLife, requires sign-in)

I read it. And agreed, then went on to the comments, where I saw this:

ArrowBlue

What I hate is that every non kinky platform where I might mention the possibility that I’m not monogomous its always assumed disaster will occur.

Which got me thinking about something, so I popped over here to write a short piece quickly. Because, you know, I have work to do…

Anyway, my point is simple. I hear this a lot (or something like it):

“Most of the poly relationships I know fail.”

My response:

Most of the RELATIONSHIPS you know fail. I mean, really. How many of those monogamous relationships you and your friends have had have really lasted a lifetime?

Yeah. It’s called dating because not every relationship will last a lifetime.

And they are not all meant to.

Even marriages in the monogamous world don’t last forever. 53% of marriages end in divorce. (1) If you look at relationships in totality, the average number of years a relationship will last is 2.14/2.05 (male/female), though relationship length ranged from 1 to 108 months (9 years). (2)

So, there you have it. Numbers n’shit.

(1) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce_demography
(2) http://kinseyconfidential.org/womens-sexual-desire-declines-time-men/

Forced Bitchyness – Or Total Bitchification™ and Control with TwooMastery™ – Part 5

The words: Forced Bitchyness - Or Total Bitchification™ and Control with TwooMastery™

In which I fail to see the value in a stranger’s orgasmayzingness.

I have been a Dom for 20 years and do like to switch.
Hi,
have you experienced true multiple orgasms, so many you lose count, start squirting and can actually pass out from them, if you want? This is like 75 orgasms in 30 minutes. I can give you these 3 different ways. Most guys or lesbians even, do not realize, this level of ecstacy exists for their lover. Some women have them naturally but very few, the rest can be taught. The easiest way for me anymore, is orally. There are certain spots I hit with my fingers and tongue, that will drive you bonkers. There is also a massage they use in the orient to teach a woman true multiples, that I have added a lot to, if the oral doesn’t work and actually I have made women pass out on the phone.

Continue reading “Forced Bitchyness – Or Total Bitchification™ and Control with TwooMastery™ – Part 5”