Behavior Modification: Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

So, I’ve been working in my spare time on the outline for a new book about training your lover, or simple behavior modification to create the relationship of your dreams, or something like that.

Anyway, one of the things that I think is incredibly important is the idea of baseline and regression, or two steps forward, one step back.

Pet and I discussed it one night (the baseline), and experienced it the next morning (the regression).

Note: I have NO IDEA what it was at this point. I made these notes so long ago. However, suffice to say this happens to us regularly, so what we consider “normal” is far and above anything we ever dreamed of when we began.

The baseline is something I learned in dog training.

It’s the average, or baseline level of expected performance. If you are training correctly, this will gradually get better over time, BUT will not always be getting better in individual instances.

Let me say that again, for emphasis:

If you’re training correctly, your baseline will get better and better over time, but will not always get better EVERY time.

Like one evening versus the next morning.

That evening blew our baseline out of the water.

The next day was a regression, back to several months before. Still good for both of us, but not anywhere near recent expectations or yesterday’s blowout.

This is natural.

It happens in dog training all the time.

(This happens with horses, too; it’s called “bouncing.” Even Secretariat bounced after the Belmont Stakes.)

The dog will have an amazing practice trial, doing better than ever, and the next day will come in dead last in his competitions.

It’s nature. And nothing to be worried about.

I’ve seen this happen in self-help as well. You’ll find that you really hit a breakthrough, and you feel on top of the world. Then there will be a set-back, which can really bruise your spirit.

It’s normal.

Your baseline will grow over time with your working on it, and there will be hiccups and exceptions.

PLAN for them.

In yourself and others.

Just keep moving forward.

Once you know what is possible, you can then make it probable.

Once it is probable, you can work on making it natural.

Once it’s natural, you are working on improvements to something that seemed impossible a few months or years before.

When They Lose Their Sh*t…

When They Lose Their Shit...

My ex-husband and I made a lot of mistakes. His BPD and alcoholism in the last 7 years created even more mistakes in an already young and dumb “starter” marriage.

However, in the beginning, we did something brilliantly.

When one person lost their shit, the other immediately set aside their own issues and focused in.

Because when someone goes into crisis mode, they need to be heard and seen. They need to feel like their partner is there for them, NOT simply waiting to retort with their own frustrations and anger.

“Oh yeah? Well, what about that time you ______? Huh?”

If you weren’t pissed enough about ‘that time they ______,’ to lose your shit before now, the moment after they lose theirs is NOT THE TIME.

Your time may come in the future.

It’s NOT NOW.

When your partner loses their shit, give them your attention and care.

It’s the best and easiest thing to do.

Deal with it.

Now.

Calmly.

With love.

Feeling pissy? Shut it.

Feeling hurt? Shut it.

Feeling spiteful? Fucking shut it.

Let them have their moment. Let them get it all out. Let them drain the festering boil, and be a REAL partner there with them while they do it.

Help them:

Partner 1 (in crisis): LOSES THEIR SHIT.
Partner 2 (immediate full attention): “Tell me more. I want to know.”

P1: “Tells more.”
P2: “This is what I’m hearing, [repeats it in their own words], is that right?”

P1: “Yes,” or “No.”
(make sure you’re getting it right)
P2: “Ok. Thank you. Is there more?”

P1: “Offers more.”
P2: “This is what I’m hearing, [repeats in their own words], is that right?”

P1: “Yes,” or “No.”
(make sure you’re getting it right)
P2: “Ok. Thank you. Is there more?”

(repeat as necessary)

P1: “No, that’s it.”
P2: “What can I do to help?”

Listen and do it. Or negotiate doing it. Or find others to help you do it. Or cuddle them, because some things can’t be fixed. Or accept that they KNOW it can’t be fixed, and they just needed to lose their shit and have you listen and be pissy for a while.

Or whatever.

If you’re upset or hurt (and let’s face it, if they are REALLY losing their shit and doing it at you, you probably will be, at least a little), it’s ok.

Still, shut it.

YOUR time comes later. I like to keep at least 24-48 hours between, if it’s urgent. A week or more if it’s not.

This still works for me. With or without others’ buy-in.

Generally, if someone in my life is upset, I give them this attention, utterly and totally. I set my hurts aside.

I want them to have their time and feel heard and seen and validated. I want to help if I can, and listen if that’s all I can offer.

This, to me, is being a dominant (whether I am THEIR dominant or not), is providing the safe space they need, and is honoring their place in my life.

It’s also being a friend, a lover, and a considerate and caring human.

AND… I’ve found that most people, when offered this kind of care, lose their shit far less frequently and far less spectacularly.

After all, it can be hard to really get a good scream going for terribly long at someone who is genuinely there for you, ready to listen, to see, and to help in any way they can.

Even when you’re spoiling for a fight.

It just is.

(Well, for most folks.)

And they often find it in themselves to begin offering this to others. Often without even realizing what they are doing. It just feels right to do so.

Because modeling loving behavior works in more ways than one.

Even when they lose their shit.

Image by SAFA TUNCEL from Pixabay

Coastal Carolina Fetish Fair, Myrtle Beach, SC

Coastal Carolina Fetish Fair

I’m teaching at Coastal Carolina Fetish Fair again!

I Command You To Understand! Communication For Kinky Relationships

Thursday, 2:00 PM to 5:00 PM

No matter where you turn for advice in this world of kinky relationships and power exchange, “Communicate,” is the first thing you’ll hear. So, what is communication? How do we get better at it? In this special three-hour workshop event, we’ll talk about the pieces of communication and how they add up to make a successful kinky relationship.

Dating Kinky, The Class

Friday, 10:00 AM

In this class, we’ll cover some of the most important actions and attitudes for finding one or several lifestyle partners, from writing your profile and choosing the best photos to get your point across to making contact, common pitfalls, and some hilarious examples of ‘when personals go wrong!’

We’ll also discuss which online sites offer the best options for connecting with your kinky peeps.

This is an interactive class, so bring your pencil or pen and some paper to write down those tips from the creator of https://www.datingkinky.com and the author of Dating Kinky, The Book

Behavior Modification

Friday, 11:15 AM

What is behavior modification? It’s how behavior is changed through interaction. In D/s circles, we may call it training, but even in vanilla situations, behavior modification happens whether you want it to or not. So, since it’s going to happen anyway, why not do it right? This class is all about the basics of behavior modification and how to make it work for you in your relationships,
and how to use it as the basis for more in-depth D/s training.

Protocol 101

Saturday, 11:15 AM

What is protocol and why do you need it? Not all protocol is bowing and kneeling and “yes, Sir,” and so on. Protocol can be every day traditions and rituals built over time. In this class, we’ll explore the many types of protocol, and how to choose the protocols you want most in your life and your relationships.

 

INSTRUCTIONS TO PURCHASE YOUR TICKET FOR COASTAL CAROLINA FETISH FAIR

Go to Event Registration that’s https://www.eventbrite.com/e/coastal-carolina-fetish-fair-2018-tickets-44854522083 and enter your pass word which is CCFF2018, click the arrow that appears beside the password. Next click on Ticket. When the window opens select Tier 1 Ticket ( There is no Promotional Code) and be sure to add 1 to the box that asks for number.
Before you pay, be sure to check the size if you are ordering a T shirt.

We Look Forward To Seeing YOU at the Fair.

CCFF 2018 will be even bigger and better this year!

CCFF 2018 will be expanding to four, yes four days! We will be open on Thursday November 15th through Sunday November 18th. That’s two extra days of shopping, classes and fun!

On November 15th we will begin registration around 10am (subject to change), so when you arrive come on in and get registered!!

Thursday opening will be early afternoon, we will have classes that day. The vendor hall will also be open from about 3-5pm for those of you who like to get a jump on purchasing that special something.

In the evening we have a chance for you to meet and get to know some of your fellow kinksters and vendors at our mixer.

There will also be a fashion show planned that evening for your enjoyment. We encourage you to attend, and for the exhibitionists in the group we encourage you to costume up and strut your stuff down our catwalk. Categories include Leather, Latex, Lingerie, and Freestyle. Men and women are encouraged to strut! Prizes will be given to the winners.

Stay tuned for more exciting news about the Thursday night meet and greet activities.

We will also be expanding our dungeon space! This year there will be two dungeons open on Friday and Saturday nights. MORE space and an additional night will be added this year.

Aug 1st to Oct 31st = $99.00 limit 200 tickets
At the door: $125.00

The Art Of Toilet Paper Bondage: Behavior Modification In Power Exchange Relationships

I like to say that behavior modification happens whether you want it to or not, so understanding it can play a critical role in your power exchange.

Heck, I recommend it to both sides of the slash and anyone who wants to get more from their relationships with others…

Behavior Modification Class Description:

What is behavior modification? It’s how behavior is changed through interaction. In D/s circles, we may call it training, but even in vanilla situations, behavior modification happens whether you want it to or not. So, since it’s going to happen anyway, why not do it right? This class is all about the basics of behavior modification and how to make it work for you in your relationships, and how to use it as the basis for more in-depth D/s training.


See more about my thoughts on Behavior Modification.

It’s Like Toilet Paper Bondage…

Just a roll of toilet paper on a white background, slightly unrolled.

Behavior modification, that is.

It’s not like handcuffs or chains, where you do something once, and they are bound by your directive, until you free them.

It’s far more subtle.

Gossamer.

Like restraining someone with toilet paper.

One layer of toilet paper wrapped around their body is real enough to feel, to KNOW, but not enough to hold them.

However, once you’ve put in enough layers (reinforcement) in enough ways (places), their reality is constrained to what you desire.

Behavior modification is like that. It’s not one and done.

It’s not something that is set into place, then sticks forever.

It takes tending. Cultivating. Encouraging. More and more layers.

It’s like toilet paper bondage.

Behavior Modification: The Ethics Of Conditioning/Behavior Modification

Behavior Modification Psitive Vs. Negative.

I speak about Behavior Modification quite a bit, and I joke that the key to understand about it is that it happens whether you intend it to or not.

Read more here: Behavior Modification: It Happens (Exercise 11)

However, happening naturally, as you and your partner(s) yourselves to each other is quite different from intentional manipulation.

And when I say “manipulation,” I mean BeMod with intent, not necessarily malice. There are many GOOD reasons to manipulate a situation or a person, just as there are selfish, controlling and harmful ways.

However, no matter the good intentions, ethics say if it’s done intentionally, you MUST have consent. Continue reading “Behavior Modification: The Ethics Of Conditioning/Behavior Modification”

“Responsible? Consent? Safe? How Boring!”

How Boring

So, I was having a conversation.

In fact, I’ve had hundreds of similar conversations. But I was having this one conversation about hypnosis with a submissive who has fantasies of consensual-nonconsent with hypnotic commands.

They asked if I’d hypnotize and seduce them without them realizing.

I replied that I currently prefer more overt and consensual hypnotism scenes and methods.

They said that it’s still consensual. They consent.

I replied that consent to me requires 3 things:

1. Enthusiasm (They have this!)
2. Understanding (They have NO idea what I can do with hypnotism and behavior modification.)
3. Competence (missing #2, and being hypnotized rules out #3).

They said well, let’s just discuss what you would do to me.

I replied that I don’t engage in that kind of fantasy.

That the human mind is an amazing, unique thing of beauty, and I prefer to get to know people well before playing in their heads, so that not only can I make the most out of what I do, but that that I am doing what’s best for my bottoms/submissives.

That I am not a one-size-fits-all dominant or person.

They said, “All sounds very safe and responsible…”

And they didn’t respond again.

As I said, this is not the first conversation I’ve had like this.

With people who think that consent is not sexy. Safety is boring. Being responsible steals the fun.

I find that so odd.

I see no desirable power in making someone do what they don’t want to do.

I see A LOT of sexy, desirable power in my partners consciously wanting all the crazy perverted, depraved things I can do to them…

…and one of the main keys here is ME, all of me, who I am, my mind, my wickedness…

…enough to consciously crave them, communicate them, beg for them, and work with me to get them.

Responsible? Consent? Safe? How fucking sexy! Yes, please.

Behavior Modification: It Happens (Exercise 11)

If you are in a relationship, rest assured that your behavior will be modified.

It’s gonna happen.

I tell people this at the beginning of my behavior modification classes all the time.

So, if it’s gonna happen, it’s better to understand what it is, at least for yourself. Even better if you can understand how your actions and responses modify behavior in others.

EXAMPLE:

Maybe it’s just me, but have you ever been in a relationship where a very specific topic, when brought up, always creates a shitstorm argument? Continue reading “Behavior Modification: It Happens (Exercise 11)”