I Teach That Communication Is Not The Words You Say, But Every Action, Every Moment Until The End of Time

Back in April, I wrote That ONE Thing You Didn’t Do, which sparked some good debate from both sides, in agreement and against.

After all, who hasn’t known the pain of giving something that was not at all appreciated, and who hasn’t also had people give them things they didn’t want, and say they were ungrateful?

I think we’ve all been in both pairs of shoes.

@UnicornHusbandry said something perfectly in a comment, that I’d like to share and expound upon.

It should be a lot more simple than it is. The issue seems almost childish. But it’s such a common problem in relationships, isn’t it?

What we give to another person, in time, affection or gifts, all indicates who we believe them to be. Do we see them as our property? Do we see them as our student or child who must be instructed? Do we see them as our parent who must offer us unlimited support and affection?

For example, big-scary-thing-in-life happens. How do you treat your partner?

  • Command them in what to do? (property)
  • Give them ideas and suggestions and teach them? (student or child)
  • Cower behind them and expect them to save us? (parent)
  • Offer support and say, “I know you’ve got this, and I’m here, always, if you need or want anything.” (capable adult)

How we engage with others communicates clearly how we view them.

Over time.

I wrote this in 2014: How Do I Say…?

It still guides my relationship with my Pet every moment.

It still guides me in my relationships throughout my life.

It’s a reminder that showing appreciation for those around me is not a once in a while thing, but an ongoing series of actions from now until the end of time.

Which written out like that, seems pretty heavy.

Like those ads that we see around Christmas about not getting a puppy as a present. A relationship may be a lifetime commitment—every moment of every day.

Of course, there are many relationships: friends, lovers, children, bosses, coworkers.

And we communicate with all of them with our actions.

And when we act unthinkingly with those around us, we communicate that we are not thinking of them.

When we treat people as we see them…

We may be communicating that we see them more clearly than anyone—or that we don’t see them at all.

Sure, there are days when I am distracted, and I don’t pay the people around me as much attention as they may want.

I’m human.

However, over time, my people know I’m here for them, in nearly anything, from needing an ear for a rant, to being the place they flee to when their latest relationship ends and they have no place to live that isn’t full of broken hearts.

And that’s what I want to communicate to them. So, I make sure I AM there for them, because that’s the best way to make that clear.

Seems simple, right?

Then why do we so often get it wrong?

The Arc Of An Online Relationship In 9 Hours

22 hours ago:

Thank you for accepting my friend request.

Did you write these books?

21 hours ago:

Hi there. I took a look at “Dating Kinky.” It’s a good web site. I own a marketing company, so I know good work when I see it. Nice work!

18 hours ago:

Thank you for accepting my friend request. I am looking forward to reading your kinky books.

14 hours ago:

Hi There. Do you ever come to Washington? I see on your profile you belong to a DC BDSM group.

Hi again. Do you still want to chat?

are you there?

13 hours ago:

I said you have a sexy tummy and cute panties

Hi There Again. Thank you for accepting my friend requests. I have had a look at your books. It’s a cool web site.

when is your next book coming out?

did you read my profile? You can learn some things about me there.

12 hours ago:

Hi. I give up. Good bye.

You can’t respond to this conversation because UserName has deactivated their account, you’ve blocked them, or they’ve blocked you.

These messages came in multiple threads over 9 hours. In the middle of a weekday.

Continue reading “The Arc Of An Online Relationship In 9 Hours”

Oops! I Did It (Lied) Again!

You’re welcome for the earworm.

smiles

I don’t lie. Or, at least, I try not to. After all, I’ve been a liar in my life, and I’ve found that the truth, even when it sucks, leads me to living a better life.

So, when I lie, even unintentionally, I need to call myself on my bullshit.

That’s what I’m doing here.

My lie: I respond to every message I get.

It used to be true.

It still is my intention.

But it’s not the actual truth, and I know this because I have right now 280 social media messages I’ve not yet responded to.

One year ago, I cleared my inbox every day, and was horrified at the idea of having outstanding contacts.

I fell behind.

And this is WITH connecting with/answering dozens of people every day, I am still behind. And I’m struggling with the person I feel I am (answers my messages) and that reality (hasn’t answered 280 messages, probably 281 by now).

I’m not posting this with any sort of meta message. Or for pity or sympathy. Maybe for a bit of empathy…

Because we all know people who lie not because they mean to, but because they can’t keep up with their promises or because their hope is greater than their abilities.

Maybe you are one of us as well, sometimes, in some ways.

  • Maybe you promised to spend more time with your partner, but work is crushing you.
  • Maybe you told yourself that this time, this relationship would be different.
  • Maybe you assured someone that the work would get done on time.

So, I’mma be kind to myself and create a plan to tackle my lie.

Now that I’ve called me out on my bullshit.

If you have something you’re not doing or haven’t done that you said you would/could, feel free to join me.

Feel free to self-identify and share, if you’d like. Feel free to make a plan, and work it.

Or not.

This is really about me and what I have to do to live up to the me standards I set for myself.

Sneaky Needs

He’s fucking sexy, this new guy. Reminds me of Warrick Brown from the original CSI (RAWR!), except instead of greenish grey eyes, his are bluish grey, and delightfully wicked.

We were having tea on Saturday. A spontaneous thing. I had some time, and I asked him (on Tinder) would he like to meet.

A bit more than two hours of conversation ensued.

And during that conversation, I asked him what he was looking for on Tinder (always a moment of truth), and I looked him in the eyes.

He looked away, looked back, laughed a bit (not nervously, more self-deprecatingly, as I interpreted it), and said:

“Well, I like to fuck.”

If my panties didn’t fall to the ground in that instant, it’s only because my jeans were in the way.

Not because of the fucking. After at least 90 minutes of discussing sex and kink and whatever came to mind, I “knew” him as a sexual being.

It was that he told his truth. Simply. Clearly. Without shame.

He said what he wanted, and he owned it.

Which makes it so much easier to respond to, negotiate, and fulfill. Or not.

I’ve written about Nice Guys/Girls (NGs) before, and covert contracts.

NGs’ real crime is not that they have needs, but that they are so afraid of their needs that they are super sneaky about them—even to themselves.

NGs try to force everyone to guess what they want in return for “being nice,” for listening, for that steak dinner—as if these things are commodities for trade, which is another thing they make us guess at—and thereby make themselves impossible to please, because no one is a mind reader.

And sure, I’m guessing saying that you’re on Tinder to fuck will get more than a few “Nos,” but the “Yeses” you get will be 100% authentic, because there is no guessing what’s up.

It’s right there, clear as day, and up for negotiation.

Which is sexy AF.

Anyone disagree?

The Myth Of Results—At Least Visible/Obvious Ones

Thinking In Bets, by Annie Duke is an amazing read.

Annie is a professional poker player. She’s won millions. And she wrote a book about how to make decisions when you don’t have all the facts.

The biggest take away I had from the book is the idea that the right decision will always lead to the right results is a myth.

Which, of course, we all know.

But, we don’t KNOW it, until we think about it. Like, really know it.

For some reasons, we are stubbornly addicted to the idea that the “right” decisions should get us the “right” results.

Which, as Duke points out, works in chess—a highly logical game with no elements of luck.

Not so much in poker, or in life, where there is luck aplenty.

And as in life, so in kink.

Today’s writing prompt was “Why put in the effort if it’s pointless?” I had a link to a comment that no longer exists on this writing: Hello FetLife Newbies!

While I don’t have the comment, I have experiences of that comment over the years from many people, and I have a pretty clear idea of what I meant to write about.

And it perfectly ties in with the myth of results.

You see, in that writing, I mentioned how to send a “cold” message to someone on FetLife. It takes a bit more effort than “hey wyd?” or copy-pasta. It’s designed to be genuine and make a connection beyond gasp sex.

I usually get two objections:

I only want sex.

Ohhhh-kay then. Keep on wit ya bad self. I got nuttin for you.

But why put in all that effort when I STILL don’t get many replies?

This is the one I’m writing about.

Let me give you a few reasons:

  1. Because those people who might be inclined to interact with strangers are MORE inclined to do so when it seems like the experience will be pleasant.
  2. You don’t get a shitty reputation of messaging every woman in a 100-mile radius the same thing (yes, we do share).
  3. Because it’s the right thing to do. Being a good person is it’s own reward. Just like being a jerk becomes a habit, so does being a genuinely awesome person.

That last bit, that’s important.

Like lifting weights, you probably won’t see results the next day (except negative ones, like stiffness or aching muscles), or event he next week, but over time, you will build your strength and functional ability.

It’s a cumulative process.

It’s the same with putting in effort, being kind and authentic, and striving to do what’s right, even without immediate results. Or, even with immediate negative results.

Face it, some people are going to reply with assholery no matter what you write. Some people aren’t going to reply (they may not even be online). Some people are not going to like you, even if you like them.

But it’s not about a 1:1 ratio of do-right-get-right.

After all, sometimes, you’re going to be the asshole having a bad day, and someone will do right for you and get shit in return, or ask for nothing.

And of course, this isn’t just about connecting with people by Fet message. It’s also about meeting kinky people at munches and sloshes and on other sites. It’s about offering to help out at events.

It’s also about walking down the street, working with people, and, of course, playing poker.

Confidentiality In Kink? How Do You Do It?

Someone recently asked in a comment about confidentiality in kink as related to professional mental health care:

I have never heard of confidentiality being discussed in kink as part of informed consent. Do you think there is a place for it? Just curious…

Professional confidentiality? No.

Casual confidentiality? Yes.

To go into detail, what is required of a professional is above and beyond what is required of casual interactions, especially those where confidentiality is not discussed or negotiated.

And, just as the legal system cannot force spouses to testify against each other, I would never expect anyone to withhold personal kink experiences and details from their friends or family, unless specifically discussed.

That said, I do not share information casually.

Continue reading “Confidentiality In Kink? How Do You Do It?”

On “Fighting” For My Sub…

A few years back, I wrote a piece, Trying To Steal My Sub, Cunt?, in which I wish said thief good luck in their efforts.

Several people responded that I maybe didn’t show my sub that I wanted them enough, because I refuse to fight for them, because I said, “And, frankly, if you do manage to steal them, I’ll thank you.”

One comment said this:

If they let me go without a fight, then I, too, am glad to be walking away.

There is a difference between fighting to keep a submissive through my actions TO THAT SUBMISSIVE, and fighting another dominant in any way.

I am very happy to say what I want, and do my best by my submissive.

THAT is my fight.

EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Continue reading “On “Fighting” For My Sub…”

Dear Poly Partner…

I need to get something off my chest.

I told you not to cancel with [YOUR OTHER PARTNER] because I never want to be resented for forcing your hand. Because I don’t want [YOUR OTHER PARTNER] to feel like I do when I get second place on a double booking.

Not because I don’t want to be put first on this very important occasion, or to be given the priority when an error is made. I do. Oh, god. I do.

That’s not my decision to make.

It’s yours. It will always be. I want you to do what you need to do.

Either way you choose, it will be tough on you. And I’m sorry for that. If you stick with [YOUR OTHER PARTNER] for that date, please don’t leave me hanging wondering what you’re thinking or how this might be fixed.

Two possible suggestions:

  1. I get [SPECIAL OCCASION DAY]. We do something special. I’m happy to offer such-and-such day(s) for you to make up for the change in plans with [YOUR OTHER PARTNER].
  2. [YOUR OTHER PARTNER] keeps [SPECIAL OCCASION DAY]. I get such-and-such day(s) and events together with you and we celebrate in [WAYS THAT WILL FILL ME UP].

Whatever you choose, I will be OK with. Because I know that double booking sucks for everyone, and I totally get that things can’t always work perfectly.

But maybe, we can work together and make it perfectly imperfect, and a time to remember, even if it’s not on [SPECIAL OCCASION DAY].

That will go a long way for me. That we get through this as a team, and communicate together, and it will help me heal.

I love you.

I love us.

Nookie

Healthy Boundaries: Oversharing

Back in March, I wrote about healthy boundaries in emotional intimacy, and talked a bit about “too soft” boundaries and oversharing.

I did not define oversharing—which led to some interesting conversations in the comments—because, to me, it’s a very simple thing.

of course, if I’d paused for a moment and thought about it, I would have easily realized that others might take a different view.

So, let’s discuss oversharing.

o·ver·share

/ˈōvərˌSHer/
verb
reveal an inappropriate amount of detail about one’s personal life.

A simple enough definition that I think we can all get behind.

The confusion that arose from my writing was not in that particular definition, but more along the lines of ‘Who gets to decide what is inappropriate?’

And THAT is the key to healthy boundaries, in my view.

I had said:

People with soft intimacy boundaries tell way too much too soon about their personal lives, often either scaring people off or signaling they are vulnerable to less-than-pure intentions.

They are commonly referred to as “oversharers.”

It’s more than that, though, because there are many ways to be open and transparent without necessarily having weak intimacy boundaries.

It’s often a combination of oversharing AND making themselves overly vulnerable to people who have not yet matched their level of investment and disclosure in a relationship.

In how I wrote this, I realize that I did not make clear my stance on this.

Oversharing, to me, is something that an individual must decide for themself.

In other words, no one else gets to determine whether you’ve overshared.

They might get to say it made them uncomfortable. Or that they were disgusted. Sure. But that you overshared? Nope. That’s not for them to decide.

At least in the way I’m using the word in relation to healthy boundaries.

Because healthy boundaries are about what you feel comfortable sharing and how vulnerable you can be at any given time, appropriate to the situation.

And only you can decide that.

For example, last week, someone told me that I told them too much about a situation with a mutual friend.

To them, it was too much.

I was surprised. I didn’t tell any salacious details, and they had solicited the conversation by bringing up the topic.

They felt I overshared.

I thought about it, and I don’t feel I did. If they felt uncomfortable, well, I can certainly respect that.

  • I did not violate any of my healthy boundaries.
  • I did not make myself more vulnerable than the relationship could account for.
  • I do not regret saying what I said.
  • It was done in a kinky space, not where vanillas or kids could overhear.
  • I did not violate another’s right to privacy.

The thing is, some people are closer to the surface than others. Some people speak their minds with less filter. Or without as much politesse. Or with less “fakeness,” as some might call it.

Take your pick. It may be a bit of everything.

I don’t think that being more open than most is inherently a negative thing, or should be classified automatically as oversharing.

Unless it violates your personal boundaries.

Unless you find yourself often thinking, “Ugh. I shouldn’t have said that. Why do I always say too much.”

THEN, you have overshared, because you have hurt yourself and put yourself into a position of regretting what you’ve said.

What are YOUR thoughts?

I know what I’m presenting is a different way of looking at this word than is commonly used. I’m presenting this primarily for the use in defining healthy boundaries, not for every life situation everywhere (work spaces, for example often have very different rules).

That said, do you agree? Disagree? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

I ONLY Say “No,” Because You Don’t Give Me Something Worth Saying “FUCK Yeah!” To.

I wrote in February about rejecting actions online, not YOU as a person. After all, I don’t know you as a person. i just know how you behave in your interactions with me.

@Grafinya said:

“women saying NO so often is simply because we aren’t being offered something worth saying yes to.”

THIS.

Exactly this.

Continue reading “I ONLY Say “No,” Because You Don’t Give Me Something Worth Saying “FUCK Yeah!” To.”