I’m Writing About Anal Porn…

A Is For Anal

My new book, The Big Book of Ass, has a chapter titled, “Well, they do it in porn, don’t they?”

In this chapter, I talk about how even porn stars don’t do what they do without A LOT of prep and training (not to mention the “behind the scenes, between-takes stuff), and then days, even weeks of recovery after intense scenes.

Yesterday, I was approached by a man commenting about one of my pictures and posing a question to me:

“Ok so in this picture you have a cuck who I assume you never had sex with but let him worship your feet to some degree. You’re an absolute image, truly gorgeous and from what I can tell a high calibre domme and human being in general. This cuck would love to be inside you but he didn’t (again assuming), he only got your feet.”

“…the thought of being restricted to only be allowed a certain level of intimacy is seriously messing with my mind.”

“When you’re with a sub/cuck do you truly believe they are less than you? Not sure if I can handle the answer.”

I battle this every day on behalf of myself and on behalf of kink.

What you see in porn and online fantasy is GREAT, but it’s not real.

It’s no more real than Jackie Chan being ACTUALLY drunk in Drunken Master. It’s got the same basis in reality that Hans Solo or Jabba does.

Continue reading “I’m Writing About Anal Porn…”

Leggo My Ego!

Ego: If you start believing your own greatness...

If you start believing in your greatness, it is the death of your creativity.

MARINA ABRAMOVIC, The Economist, Sep. 15, 2010

A lot of comments over the past couple weeks on my writings have focused in on ego and how it gets in the way of being a good dominant.

Mostly.

The thing I see, though, is that ego gets in the way of being a good ANYTHING—in kink and out. Dominant, sub, parent, employee, basketball player, politician… the list goes on.

Ego is brittle shell of what we want to be seen as, placed before who we truly, authentically are, getting in the way of…

Ego gets in the way of communication when we believe that what we are saying MUST be clear, and therefore our partner is being willfully obtuse or just plain stupid.

Continue reading “Leggo My Ego!”

You’re Making Dominance HARDER For Yourself, You Know…

Stop Making Dominance Harder

Dominance is easy.

Dominance is natural.

It isn’t hard or stressful or a chore.

Well, if you’re a dominant, that’s how it should be. Unfortunately, I see a pattern in so many people who choose to self-identify as dominant. A pattern of making dominance more difficult than it is.

They make their job harder than it needs to by not gathering information about their partners. They challenge themselves to be a leader by blustering in and saying, “I have all the answers and I am going to call all the shots!”

They are trying to know it all without listening their subjects. They’re trying to have the perfect answer without even knowing what the question is.

Yes, a dominant leads and calls the shots, but the more you understand those you lead, the better and more consistent your decisions will be.

Why make your job more difficult?

A dominant leader is first and foremost (in my mind) an excellent observer and an attentive listener.

This is what makes a dominant best able to lead. To choose the right reward for behavior. To know which words make them squirm with lust and which cut them harshly in reprimand. To grok their deepest fantasies, and be able to bring them to life in your own style, to tie them to you for now or for forever.

None of this is possible if you don’t pay attention.

You can’t fake it.

In other words, quit trying to be right to your partner all the time.

Focus on understanding what is right for your partner, so you can’t help but embody that as part of your dominance.

Dominants: To Influence, Be Influenced

To Influence, Be Influenced

“Oh great and powerful dominant, bestow upon me the blessing of your attention, the sunlight of your love, and the always-correctness of your counsel.”

If only! LOL!

Actually, I don’t know about y’all, but as a dominant I get first messages like that every day.

It’s not THAT great.

Because any dominant knows that’s not influence. That’s fetish delivery.

Continue reading “Dominants: To Influence, Be Influenced”

Dominance: What Is TRUE Leadership?

Leadership

This morning, I’m thinking about two men. In my head, I call them Dreamboat and Cutie Boy. They are members of an Entrepreneurship group I participate in, and they are, in fact, as attractive as my nicknames for them would suggest.

They are also partners in business, so I sort of think of them as a duo, like John and Marsha, or Captain and Tenille.

But this is primarily about Cutie Boy.

So, Cutie Boy is pretty curios about this whole “kinky dating” thing, and asks questions.

Which I encourage.

First, because I like talking to him and looking at him. I’m a pervert like that.

Second, because I like to think that the more matter-of-fact and approachable I am in any situation about what I do, the more normal it seems. Not as “freaky-scary” to the vanillas (or not-quite-so-vanillas).

So, he says, “Do people’s careers make a difference in how they kink?” (I’m paraphrasing.)

I and Selene both responded, “Often, yes, but not in the way you might think.” And I explained that many people who take charge in their careers prefer to submit in their personal life or vice versa, and some people are just as dominant or submissive in their entire life.

He stopped to think for a moment, then said, “So the ones who are like that all they time, and they more real?”

Which is a fair question.

I immediately answered, “Nope. Humans are far too complex for generalities like that.”

Here’s what I mean, and how I explained my views on leadership to him:

People are bundles of contradictions and a myriad of motivations.

Let’s take leadership for example. People want to lead for different reasons.

  • They get off on the power.
  • They are incredibly capable and efficient.
  • They view it as a service, and step up when they are needed.

I’m sure there are more reasons, but this is what I thought of at the time.

I told him that leaders probably often have more than one reason.

“So, if one person is a leader because they love having that power, and another is a capable person who loves to provide leadership, which is better?”

He said “probably the second.”

I said, “Which is more ‘true’? Or which is more authentic?”

He said, “Neither, really.”

Yup.

Which is why I don’t think lifelong dominants are more real than switches, or why I think those who are more powerful in their daily lives are any more or less effective at submitting than anyone else.

People are people. Amazingly complex, interesting, conflicted, beautiful…

And I had the all the pleasures of looking at Cutie Boy, discussing two of my favorite topics (kink and business), and connecting through communication all in one go.

Not a one of those things has anything to do with whether my leadership is “real” or “authentic” or “true,” but every one is part of my leadership self.

What are your thoughts on leadership?

What makes for a good leader/dominant. Is there anything besides their actions that (for you) signal someone who might be a step above the others?

Again, For The People In The Back: Dominants/Tops Consent Too!

The dominant must consent, too.

It seems pretty obvious to me, both parties consent, right?

And yet, there is this prevailing mindset that all a submissive or bottom has to do is show up and offer their kink, and they “get play.”

Like this conversation I had:

I don’t know if I need to kneel around you. An ass in the air may give you the wrong idea. Haha.

Not without consent. Ever.

Oh I know. Sorry to make a bad joke.
You know I’d probably consent easily too. 🤣

Maybe. But my consent would matter, too. Continue reading “Again, For The People In The Back: Dominants/Tops Consent Too!”

Let’s Debate: The Responsibility Of The Dominant

The word everything in script.

WARNING: This is a long one, and I am very specifically taking a side in this one, then offering my reasoning up for debate and picking apart.

I’ve had several conversations in the past week in which the original writing I did on the responsibility of a dominant has been relevant:

The Responsibility Of The Dominant

@thewiz11 commented, and as I was replying, I realized it would be a good debate piece, allowing me to dig deeper into the meat of what this means to me, in my life, and defend my view against any and all comers.

Before I go there, though, let me explain something.

This is how I live my life. This is what the role of dominant means to me. It may not be what dominant means to you, and that’s cool. I’ve written a lot about dominance and submission and how they are sliding scales and how there is no WON TWOO WAY™ that works for everyone. YMMV.

That’s important. smiles I’m offering this up for debate to proof my convictions, and to allow others to take apart my points, if you so choose.

Continue reading “Let’s Debate: The Responsibility Of The Dominant”

Dominance Is Stronger Than You Think…

A man bowing his head to a pair of patent heels behind cage bars.

I’m in Paris today. It’s raining. I’m loathe to leave my tiny space, but I will, and soon, if for no reason than because exploring is something I do.

I had a few moments to write, and in my calendar I found a conversation I had nearly a year ago.

The same conversation that promoted Real Dominants Don’t… He Said To Me, a piece that was a collection of ideas I’ve experienced in the many years I’ve been online, all tossed at me by those who were searching for their “real dominant.”

In reading the discussion, though, there was more to it than just those pieces. A conversation about dominance.

I’ll share that with you today, and I hope you’ll share with me your own thoughts on dominance and submission and how you see these ideas fitting in with your own life. Continue reading “Dominance Is Stronger Than You Think…”

The 2% Chance…

A circle with "2%" inside.

My Pet is my first cuckold.

Coming off two relationships totaling 20 years of my life, who both claimed to be poly, and instead were jealous and possessive, I was skeptical.

And even without that skepticism, I’ve always known that fantasies are fantasies for a reason, and reality is often NOT the same thing…

So, even though we’d talked for about 6 months about what he thought about cuckolding, and I’d teased him with some scenarios, when I decided to go through with it, to plan it, execute it, and SURPRISE him with it…

I knew it could go horribly wrong. Continue reading “The 2% Chance…”