Dating Kinky
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In a forum devoted to men and developing their dominance, someone posted this:

My mind was attached to a specific image of what it meant to be manly. It invested its entire self-worth into preserving that image. My mind greatly undervalues my true worth.

Earlier this summer, as Pet and I talked over some plans for a weekend together, I wondered if we were trapping ourselves into a relationship dynamic that might hinder our growth, and determined that I’d talk to him about it at some point (I did), because I don’t want us to ever feel stifled or held back (neither does he).

And I also wonder about the traps we set for others, as well.

What does it mean to me when I meet a man or a woman or an enby? A submissive or a little or a furry? What does it mean when I call someone sexy or smart?

And am I boxing them in, in my mind, or am I allowing them to grow and become more as I know them better and learn more of their labels?

I’d like to think the latter.

I do mostly think the latter.

Do you?

I’ve heard this in so many variations over the years. In sad tones, in frustrated ones, in anguish.

Indeed, it’s incredibly hurtful when the people we want to spend time with/eat with/snuggle with/whatever with don’t want to do all that with us, or with us as often.

Thing is, the hurt people usually feel asking this question is often turned into resentment and anger, towards the person not spending the time, like they are intentionally withholding themselves when the original asker has A RIGHT to their time.

And don’t tell me you’ve not made this mistake before.

A LOT.

Thinking you have the right to someone’s time and energy and love and snuggles and whatever, because…why?

Sure, if you have both agreed to a date/time, you are generally ok expecting that someone will fulfill that. However, are you entitled to it?

No.

And I’m not, either.

And I make this mistake a lot. At least in my head, where sometimes I can catch it before it flies from my fleeting thoughts to actual entitled behavior—and sometimes I can’t.

Sure, I fall into the trap of saying, “Why don’t they want to spend more time with me,” or “They never seem to make me a priority…”

Of course. It’s human.

And I see it in everyone I know. Some more than others, of course.

However, I realize that it’s up to me to put in the effort that will inspire the people I want to spend time with to want to spend time with me…

—OR—

…realize that we are not a match, and let us both move on.

It really is that simple.

Which, does not equate with easy.

But it’s simple:

The people who want to spend time with me will, or they’ll make it clear that they want to, even when life gets in the way.

The people who don’t, won’t.

And that’s OK.

It’s their right.

And if I get to spend time with people I love and enjoy, I am thankful for that time. Grateful. Happy. And appreciative.

Because I know they want to spend that time with me.

And I feel the same way about a text reaching out. Or a call. Or a message. And when I reach out, I expect people to know I’m doing so because they are on my mind, and I care, even when I’m crazy busy and failing at balancing life.

It’s simple.

And at some point, we’ll find a way to spend some more time.

Image by Monoar Rahman Rony from Pixabay

That.

Never.*

Helps.

Someone once said to me:

“She doesn’t have it as bad as she makes out. A lot of people have it a lot worse.”

“A lot of people have it a lot worse.” is a crappy thing to say or think to anyone except yourself. Because everyone has a different level of strength and tolerance, different levels of ability to deal.

And when you’re in the middle of your own situation, your own overwhelm, it’s bad enough, whether others might be starving or beat up, or whatever…YOU are still in pain. Now.

And someone saying that to you… well, it’s shitty.

Saying it to yourself to put things in perspective, sure. That’s OK. As long as you don’t beat yourself up with it. It’s a perspective tool, not a specialized bat designed to knock the feels out of you.

And as they say:

“Saying someone can’t be sad because someone else may have it worse is like saying someone can’t be happy because someone else may have it better.”

For example, I’m ASPD. For me, it’s MUCH more difficult than many to connect with people, because I was born without the usual capacity empathy. It’s something I had to learn, and I’ve had to cultivate compassion every day of my life.

My Pet, however, connects naturally. It comes effortlessly to him.

On the other hand, I am more intellectual than he is. And better with technology and willpower.

So, we could compare our challenges all day long, saying that I have it worse, or he does, or someone else. But that still leaves us with our own challenges that can seem overwhelming sometimes—even when we’ve been through worse ourselves.

So, perhaps better to help lift our friends when we can, give them the support and love we can, and not compare them with others.

Just a thought.

*smiles*

* Sure, I’m sure someone will have that anecdote about another person saying to them, “At least you’re not starving, chased by a rebel army, and shot in the gut like I was back in ’63,” and it waking them up to exactly how good they have it now that their wife left them with their truck and their dog died—all on their birthday. That’s statistically irrelevant for the purposes of this post.

Ummm. Yes, yes you can.

Just like in poly, there is a thing as friendship saturation, when you find yourself without time for everyone in your life. And you’re just not able to maintain self-care and your boundaries along with everyone else’s needs.

Also, there are people that we sometimes call friends who aren’t. Or aren’t anymore, even if they were at one point. And they step on our boundaries.

To suggest that “you can never have too many friends,” is suggesting that even low-value friends are worth the time and effort. I don’t agree.

I’ve said many times that a successful relationship is two people feeling like they get WAY more (like lots and lots more) out of the relationship than they put in.

Friendship is a relationship.

Friendship is giving within healthy boundaries and getting filled back up in return.

THAT is my standard.

So, yeah, you can have too many friends.

Image by rawpixel from Pixabay