Ask Your Friends When They Want You To Lie To Them

The words: Ask Culture V. Guess Culture

Have you ever done this?

I mean, in kink, we ask near-strangers which pronouns they want us to use, or what gets them off, but the things we assume FAR outweigh the things we get concrete information for.

On my calendar for today was a topic about “Ask” versus “Guess” cultural behavior, and as I followed my referenced links (one of my own and one to a comment on a writing that had, in turn been linked to in a comment on one of my writings), I was reminded of a conversation I was having yesterday.

Continue reading “Ask Your Friends When They Want You To Lie To Them”

Writing Prompt: Avoid False Friendship At All Costs

Avoid False Friends

“Avoid false friendship at all costs.”

I agree.

Motivational speaker Jim Rohn famously said that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with.

Stop and think about that for a few moments.

The people we surround ourselves with help us sort right from wrong, ethical from unethical, and desirable from undesirable.

So, surrounding ourselves with people who don’t like us (but pretend to) is also exposing ourselves to people who are duplicitous as a matter of course.

We are also exposing ourselves to a normal that may include other thought patterns beyond base deception.

So, yeah, avoid false friends.

But let’s take it a step beyond.

Continue reading “Writing Prompt: Avoid False Friendship At All Costs”

“I Only Add People I Know.”

Add to Friends button with Weird Al profile.

When I first joined FetLife, I only friended people that I knew. After a short period, that became people I have met in person. It felt more comfortable that way. More managed.

It felt good, and it’s a valid position to take.

I’ve changed to pretty much the opposite now over the past few years. I’m a friend whore (slut?—it’s not like anyone pays). I don’t have to really be connected at all to be open to FetLife friendship.

Someone said “I don’t think anyone with 5,000 friends here on FetLife can meaningfully connect and must be promoting something,” and I agree. That’s true.

I AM promoting myself and my projects. For sure.

Continue reading ““I Only Add People I Know.””

Ever Wanted To Be Less Shy?

Black and white image of a young person hiding behind their hands.

In my view, shyness is like a weak “outgoing” muscle.

The only way to fix it is to work it out, taking it past it’s boundaries over and over and over again, until it’s built up. And, like anyone who’s ever worked out will tell you, there is some pain.

You just have to take chances. Small ones and large ones. And take the consequences.

And that will make you mentally strong. Continue reading “Ever Wanted To Be Less Shy?”

Writing Prompt: The Best Revenge Is Not To Be Like That

An old black and white image with the words, "Revenge of the Virgins"

Last week, was “If Someone Shows You Who They Are, Believe Them”, and encourages letting people go if they walk away, and not putting on rose colored glasses.

Today’s prompt is mean to be the counterbalance to that point.

On facebook the other day, someone posted this question:

Would you accept a friend back who has walked away from you in your times of difficulty?

Of all the replies, mine was the only one that said, “Yes.” In fact, I said:

” Yes. Absolutely.

Everyone has a right to make choices for themselves.

And I like them for a reason. If I only liked them for their help and support, then I’m not much of a friend, am I?”

I was not surprised that I was the only one, though.

That question seems like there is only one right answer, and it’s an easy one.

But I don’t think it’s easy or simple. It’s not even as simple as what I wrote. I mean, it’s true. I do believe that I am friends with people for more than what they can do for me. I do believe that people need to make their own choices, and the choices are valid whether I agree with them or not.

And…

And…

And, here is the kicker: There are times I have had to walk away from someone in their times of difficulty. More than once.

  • Because I did not have the strength.
  • Because I did not have the heart.
  • Because I believed helping them through would do more damage in the long-term than their learning to stand on their own.
  • Because I was just tired.

In Meditations, Marcus Aurelius tells himself to “Avoid false friendship at all costs.”

I agree with this. I make it a point in my life.

And I also believe that to truly put this into perspective, I also feel that it’s important to look inward, and ask “When have I been false to my friends?”

He also suggests in Book Six, if you are sparring with someone and they hurt you, don’t yell at them or whine or hold it against them — just make a mental note about it and act accordingly in the future.

This rings true to me. I can still love them for the laughter and joy they bring to my life, knowing I can’t rely on them to bail me out of jail (if it comes to that). Because not all friends are (or can be) bail-out-of-jail or sitting-next-to-me-in-jail-giggling friends, and THAT’S OK!

And finally, in this particular vein, Marcus says this:

“What injures the hive, injures the bee. The best revenge is not to be like that.”

Meaning: When you hurt others, you hurt the group and you hurt yourself.

The Prompt

  • How many times have you turned friends down for help? Have you held similar situations against others, when you were the one in need?
  • When have you been a false friend and still accepted back?
  • When have you had to walk away?
  • How do you choose to “not be like that?”

Feel free to write in the comments or in your own journal and link here (so others can read it), or just think on it or write on it and keep it to yourself, if you prefer.

Write a sentence. Or a paragraph. Or an essay. Or whatever this is to you. Talk it out. Make it yours.

*smiles*

So, the image doesn’t really have anything to do with this blog post, but it came up when I searched for “revenge,” and I was too tickled to resist using it…

Writing Prompt: If Someone Shows You Who They Are, Believe Them

A picture of Tyler Perry as Madea, with the words overlaid: Let Them Go!

I’ve written recently about intuition, and how to strengthen it, and since that posted, I’ve had discussion with quite a few people whose problem was not intuition.

It was ignoring the information that was just given to them. Stated. Shown.

I think we’ve all done it.

Probably more than once, until we learn the lesson.

But once we learn the lesson, we know, right? It’s clear. Someone says something about themselves, we believe them now.

But what if they’re lying?

Well, then do you want a relationship with a liar?

But what if they’re wrong?

Well, that’s what they believe about themselves, and they are going to try to live up to that (or down to it). What gives you the right to change them? What makes you think you CAN, when their own beliefs will get in the way?

Tyler Perry’s advice on this topic is spot-on, and it pops up in my FB feed every year or so.

The Prompt

  • When have you ignored what someone told you about themselves and regretted it?
  • Have you ever ignored what someone told you about themselves and been glad you did?
  • What have you told people about yourself that they ignored, then were surprised or angry when it proved to be true?

Feel free to write in the comments or in your own journal and link here (so others can read it), or just think on it or write on it and keep it to yourself, if you prefer.

Write a sentence. Or a paragraph. Or an essay. Or whatever this is to you. Talk it out. Make it yours.

Of COURSE I Lie!

Of Course I Lie

I lie. I have written quite a few pieces about lying, and how it’s really just not acceptable, and people say to me, “But everyone lies,” like that is the perfect defense for lying.

It’s not.

“But you lie, Nookie! You just said so. Right up there! ^^^^”

Yes, you are right. I do lie.

I have never met a human that doesn’t lie sometimes. EVER. I have met humans that SAY they never lie. My experience with them proved otherwise every time. In fact, that seems to be the biggest lie of all.

I am, however, a recovering pathological liar, someone who compulsively told lies or fabricated information out of habit.

It was easy for me.

Now, I find lying in most ways to be very difficult. I’m terrible at it. People laugh at me.

Except in a few areas.

The Tall Tale

Oh, do I love to spin yarns! I love to tell stories, and use them as examples when I teach and to entertain. I use hyperbole. Often and on purpose, to make my points. This is a form of lying, as I’m not being 100% truthful in implying that maybe something is greater than it is. And it’s generally accepted as OK. But it’s still a lie, and I use it unrepentantly.

The Dramatization

I believe in drama. I use the word drama, despite knowing that people are hurt by it, because it perfectly describes a healthy part of human interaction. Drama, like hyperbole, can be a way to connect with those around you and with your own feelings.

I overdramatize a small pain, like soreness and stiffness from my workouts, to connect with people and make them laugh, while also showing how flawed I am. In fact, I said to someone one day that I often think I workout, JUST to have something to really complain about, because overall, my life is fucking amazing.

I do the same thing with lots of little things. I overdramatize them, I wallow in them, I share my misery, how. furious I am… All to the effect of highlighting to myself (and those I share this with) that I love life, and this too, shall pass.

The Take-Back

I mentor some people, and I lie to them. I say something incredibly shocking that has the potential of being true related to whatever point I want to make, I let it sink in, possibly even discuss it, then I take it back.

Most often, this is done in two ways: In a story, like the tall tale mentioned above, or in playing out a valid belief or stance I don’t personally take, to illustrate. I will say that it’s not mine, but I will spin it. Since it’s not mine, I am lying about the actual motivations/results/whatever, because I have no honest experience.

The Joke

My ex-husband said over and over that I had no sense of humor. It was one of the ways he manipulated and abused me.

And I’ll be honest, I can hold about 4-5 jokes in my head at one time, so I never have a joke to tell.

And I don’t have a comic’s brain. I just don’t think that way.

But I can lie to create humor.

I call @selene73 “The worst Personal Assistant ever,” because it is a lie, it makes us both laugh, it shocks others (especially when she’s standing next to me), and it is a constant reminder to her of her own journey of self-improvement.

Is she the worst PA ever? No, of course not. Although any PA who has to ask the boss “What are WE supposed to be doing on such-and-such date?” needs to brush up their skills. don’t you think?

LOL!

The Non-Answer

This is the biggie. All the others up there are perfectly welcome in my life, and part of me. This one… not so much.

The non-answer. Someone asks a question, and I answer the question’s words, but not their intent, because I feel uncomfortable.

When Pet and I first met, and we started with poly and cuckolding, I’d just had two relationships for a total of 20 years of my life. that were supposed to be. open and honest and poly, but included accusations of cheating and slutting around (I have never cheated in my life—never saw the point), so I was gun shy.

I was sure it was just another trap.

So, he would ask if I liked someone, a new man I was talking to, and I’d say that I had concerns about XYZ.

Which was true.

But that’s not what he wanted to know. He wanted to know if I felt chemistry, excitement, interest in a sexual or romantic way.

And that terrified me. So I lied by telling the truth and not answering the question.

This is a VERY difficult habit to break, and I’m working on breaking it by IMMEDIATELY answering the question fully to it’s spirit as soon as I realize.

I’ve gotten much better. I’m not perfect, yet.

Yes, I lie.

I admit it.

That does not stop the damage of lies in relationships.

It does not change that I feel lies are a submissive behavior. (To clarify, I don’t mean the behavior of submissives.)

It does not change that I am doing my best to be as honest as possible at all times with my words, deeds and intentions.

And that I want my friends to know that they can count on me for the truth.

So, when people respond on one of my writings about lies that even I lie, I say, “Of COURSE I lie. Everyone I know lies. That doesn’t make it right.”

That’s like saying that over 1,000,000 people bought Justin Bieber’s last album, so that proves he’s a great musician.

Previous Writings About Lies

NookieNote’s Collection Of Writings About Lies

Lies, Damned Lies And Consent

The words "little white lies" in white overlaying a mushroom cloud.

I suggest this:

“Little white lies” are anything but, every lie is a damned lie, and every lie creates a violation of consent.

Here is my reasoning:

Let’s take a very small thing, not the obvious lie of cheating or something like that.

“Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”

You answer “They look awesome on you,” even though they are not flattering to them at all.

They beam and buy the jeans. Continue reading “Lies, Damned Lies And Consent”

Trust In Kink Is A Very Different Beast, For Me

Trust

Trust.

It’s at the core of all that we claim to do in kink, and yet, the more I dig into the relationships people have and what they say versus what they do, the more I realize that, for me, trust is not what it is to others.

For example, I generally assume that if I meet you and you smile at me, you are not going to stalk me after that one meeting and axe-murder me in my sleep.

But that’s not trust.

That’s simply absence of evidence. Continue reading “Trust In Kink Is A Very Different Beast, For Me”

How do you trust?

How Do You Trust?

“My favorite definition of trust, which I read in a novel years ago: Trust is the residue of kept agreements.” —Jay Wiseman

This resonates with me, yet I find it lacking. I find trustworthy people inherently trust more. Whose agreements? Mine or theirs?

Because there are people I immediately do not trust. Call it intuition, snap judgment, whatever you want. And keeping an agreement will not really change that. I can’t remember a time I’ve ever changed my mind about trusting someone I who struck me as untrustworthy when I first met them. Continue reading “How do you trust?”