The Value Of A Single Thought And A Small Possibility

This weekend, I was at a costume party, in conversation with some friends, when one said (I’m paraphrasing), “I don’t always agree with what you write, I often don’t. You do make me think, though.”

I replied that that’s all I want from any writing I post. Is that people stop and think. That whether they agree or disagree, that it’s done with thought, with intention, not simply progressing habitually.

I never discount the value of a single thought or a small possibility.

Not that I’m saying the majority of people (who are not already living or trying to live whatever topic I’m writing about) will immediately change their ways. I’m not.

After all, I haven’t convinced many of the people I’ve sparred with in comments over the years.

However, my writings become thoughts for everyone who reads them.

For some (very few, maybe one), a writing will be a BIG MOOD, and they will mull it over and think it through and begin to practice the skill or the action I offer, a single read moving them from unconscious incompetence to conscious competence.

(Four Stages of Competence)

Of course, that’s just an ideal.

For more, though, it’s simply a step from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence.

They now have an idea of something they have not been practicing. They know it is there.

An idea.

A way of thinking.

Many will not be able to help noticing others living in the same way, or possibly in exactly the opposite way, and that will, in turn, shed a small light on their own lives.

MOST readers will forget it. Maybe forever.

Some will forget, but it will work in the back of their minds and pop back up at a better time in the future.

But that’s all it takes to change a life, sometimes.

A single thought. A very real, however small, possibility.

Image by ElisaRiva from Pixabay

Oops! I Did It (Lied) Again!

You’re welcome for the earworm.


I don’t lie. Or, at least, I try not to. After all, I’ve been a liar in my life, and I’ve found that the truth, even when it sucks, leads me to living a better life.

So, when I lie, even unintentionally, I need to call myself on my bullshit.

That’s what I’m doing here.

My lie: I respond to every message I get.

It used to be true.

It still is my intention.

But it’s not the actual truth, and I know this because I have right now 280 social media messages I’ve not yet responded to.

One year ago, I cleared my inbox every day, and was horrified at the idea of having outstanding contacts.

I fell behind.

And this is WITH connecting with/answering dozens of people every day, I am still behind. And I’m struggling with the person I feel I am (answers my messages) and that reality (hasn’t answered 280 messages, probably 281 by now).

I’m not posting this with any sort of meta message. Or for pity or sympathy. Maybe for a bit of empathy…

Because we all know people who lie not because they mean to, but because they can’t keep up with their promises or because their hope is greater than their abilities.

Maybe you are one of us as well, sometimes, in some ways.

  • Maybe you promised to spend more time with your partner, but work is crushing you.
  • Maybe you told yourself that this time, this relationship would be different.
  • Maybe you assured someone that the work would get done on time.

So, I’mma be kind to myself and create a plan to tackle my lie.

Now that I’ve called me out on my bullshit.

If you have something you’re not doing or haven’t done that you said you would/could, feel free to join me.

Feel free to self-identify and share, if you’d like. Feel free to make a plan, and work it.

Or not.

This is really about me and what I have to do to live up to the me standards I set for myself.

Leggo My Ego!

Ego: If you start believing your own greatness...

If you start believing in your greatness, it is the death of your creativity.

MARINA ABRAMOVIC, The Economist, Sep. 15, 2010

A lot of comments over the past couple weeks on my writings have focused in on ego and how it gets in the way of being a good dominant.


The thing I see, though, is that ego gets in the way of being a good ANYTHING—in kink and out. Dominant, sub, parent, employee, basketball player, politician… the list goes on.

Ego is brittle shell of what we want to be seen as, placed before who we truly, authentically are, getting in the way of…

Ego gets in the way of communication when we believe that what we are saying MUST be clear, and therefore our partner is being willfully obtuse or just plain stupid.

Continue reading “Leggo My Ego!”

Just Be Yourself AND Be More Than That


When it comes to dating, people often say, “Just be yourself. Just be authentic.”

The problem with that is that a lot of us suck as humans.

In people, there is no magical STEP-BY-STEP FUCKITY FUCK PROCESS. Humans are not combination locks, to be opened with a series of moves.

And so, we not-so-good-at-being-human humans miss out on the FUCKITY FUCK (or whatever goodness of humanity: hugs, smiles, cuddling, deep love, satisfying orgasms… whatever).

Continue reading “Just Be Yourself AND Be More Than That”

For A Happy And Healthy D/s Relationship, Embrace Discomfort

Embrace Discomfort

Embrace discomfort, what? Well, let’s look at the things that cause discomfort in most relationships, and in D/s even more so:

  • Admitting you’re wrong (now, and by extension every time you’ve been wrong in the past and quite likely ruined friendships/relationships as a result).
  • Rejection.
  • Talking about sexuality and consent.
  • Apologizing.
  • Growth (because it usually involves all those things up there and the ones to follow).
  • Self-reflection. When you either give your power to another or you take power over another, understanding your inner thoughts and reasons is even more critical.
  • Trying new things.
  • Creativity.

Any relationship, D/s or not, will stagnate over time unless it is consciously worked upon, and new ideas injected. In D/s, so much of our dynamics are based on pushing boundaries, creating new ways to explore our sexuality, and growing as people that discomfort needs to become, if not comfortable, at least not terrifying .

“Nobody ever died of discomfort, yet living in the name of comfort has killed more ideas, more opportunities, more actions, and more growth than everything else combined. Comfort kills!” —T. Harv Eker

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that comfort is bad. It’s not. We need our comfortable spaces, our comfortable thoughts, our comfortable routines.

And frankly. we should feel comfortable on a day to day basis with the people we love.

Comfort allows us to relax, and gives us the opportunity to process our experiences and learn from them, even as we prepare for more discomfort and growth to come.

It’s discomfort, though…

…that provides the spark of love, of curiosity, of excitement.

It’s what brings us together to begin with, exploring each other’s bodies and thoughts. It’s what makes us daydream about what we can do and be together.

In between comfort and discomfort is the trap: expectations.

Expectations are discomfort masquerading as comfort. We imagine we know what is going to or should happen, and that makes us feel better about what’s coming.

The more you embrace discomfort and let go of expectations in your D/s relationship, the more you can experience and share with your partner, creating an ever greater foundation of comfort together.

Writing A Great Rejection In Four Easy Steps (And Two Are Optional!)

A cartoon girl holding hands out in front of herself, with an angry look of rejection.

Well, if any rejection can be great.

Maybe the title should be, “Writing A Rejection That Doesn’t Sting Any More Than It Has To To Get The Point Across In  Four Easy Steps (And Two Are Optional!),” but that’s reallllllly long, so I’mma stick with what I have.

I wrote a bit about rejection in my upcoming book, Dating Kinky.

Because, of course, rejection is a part of dating, and knowing how to both give it and take it more effectively makes dating sooooo much more pleasant.

You have a right to reject anyone for any reason.


Full stop.

Your life. Your rules. Continue reading “Writing A Great Rejection In Four Easy Steps (And Two Are Optional!)”

What If Hypocrisy…

A dial showing hypocrisy climbing.

…is most often just a sign that someone is in the throes of change?

I mean, yeah, there are politicians (and others) who build an entire life on hypocrisy, and that’s worth considering.

However, I don’t think MOST people intend to speak one way and do another, but often their thought evolution fast outpaces their habitual behaviors and there is a disconnect.

And it’s a key point, if this is what’s happening.

Because if we castigate them for what they are DOING wrong, we could halt or harm that progress. While praising them (or at least responding positively to them) for thinking the right (or in our eyes better) thing could strengthen and speed up that journey of change.

Just a Monday thought.

CC BY-SA, flickr/paloetic

Do It Anyway…

A Post-It™ note that has "Just Do It!" handwritten on it.

What do I do when I want to speak up, but I’m afraid of rejection?

I’d love to go to that kinky event, but I have no one to go with me.

I’ve put myself out there, and I’ve been insulted over and over. I’m afraid of doing it again.

I’ve gotten comments like this, messages, had these conversations…

My reply is always:

Do it, anyway.

Continue reading “Do It Anyway…”

The Missed Benefits Of Argument…

Two men arguing.

I feel like people have lost the art of argument.

Or maybe many just never had it at all.

It’s not about convincing others or forcing them to your will, for me. Never has been.

Sometimes, it’s about being there for those who are watching, especially online.

But for me, a lot of the time argument/discussion helps me figure out if my opinions are any good.

If I can defend my thoughts, back them up, support them, counter others’ points… then I have a clue that it’s well thought out and possibly accurate.

So many people consider any disagreement with their opinions as some sort of personal attack or offense, instead of a valuable service provided free of charge by the world to help them become better people.

I tell people all the time that I LOVE when people disagree with me, as it allows me to see new ways of thinking, believing and understanding the world (even when I think they are wrong). It makes me a better person for knowing and makes my own arguments (for myself and with others) stronger.

Just some food for thought this morning.

Do you welcome arguments as a way to grow? Or do you avoid them or take offense?

On Overwhelm

A vintage 1950s-style lady with a big smile pointing to the words, "I smile to hide how completely overwhelmed I am."

My whole life, I’ve been a doer.

I’ve taken the road less traveled, I’ve gone out and experienced things. I’ve really LIVED. One of my mottos is “Busy is better than bored,” and in fact, I’m not sure I know what bored is.

There is always so much to do.

Sometimes, it seems like there’s too much.

Sometimes, I get overwhelmed.

And it’s not like there is a super-obvious reason. I mean, yeah, I have a million things going on. I always do. I always have. Nothing has changed there.

Continue reading “On Overwhelm”