Leggo My Ego!

Ego: If you start believing your own greatness...

If you start believing in your greatness, it is the death of your creativity.

MARINA ABRAMOVIC, The Economist, Sep. 15, 2010

A lot of comments over the past couple weeks on my writings have focused in on ego and how it gets in the way of being a good dominant.

Mostly.

The thing I see, though, is that ego gets in the way of being a good ANYTHING—in kink and out. Dominant, sub, parent, employee, basketball player, politician… the list goes on.

Ego is brittle shell of what we want to be seen as, placed before who we truly, authentically are, getting in the way of…

Ego gets in the way of communication when we believe that what we are saying MUST be clear, and therefore our partner is being willfully obtuse or just plain stupid.

Continue reading “Leggo My Ego!”

Just Be Yourself AND Be More Than That

FUCKITY FUCK Locks

When it comes to dating, people often say, “Just be yourself. Just be authentic.”

The problem with that is that a lot of us suck as humans.

In people, there is no magical STEP-BY-STEP FUCKITY FUCK PROCESS. Humans are not combination locks, to be opened with a series of moves.

And so, we not-so-good-at-being-human humans miss out on the FUCKITY FUCK (or whatever goodness of humanity: hugs, smiles, cuddling, deep love, satisfying orgasms… whatever).

Continue reading “Just Be Yourself AND Be More Than That”

For A Happy And Healthy D/s Relationship, Embrace Discomfort

Embrace Discomfort

Embrace discomfort, what? Well, let’s look at the things that cause discomfort in most relationships, and in D/s even more so:

  • Admitting you’re wrong (now, and by extension every time you’ve been wrong in the past and quite likely ruined friendships/relationships as a result).
  • Rejection.
  • Talking about sexuality and consent.
  • Apologizing.
  • Growth (because it usually involves all those things up there and the ones to follow).
  • Self-reflection. When you either give your power to another or you take power over another, understanding your inner thoughts and reasons is even more critical.
  • Trying new things.
  • Creativity.

Any relationship, D/s or not, will stagnate over time unless it is consciously worked upon, and new ideas injected. In D/s, so much of our dynamics are based on pushing boundaries, creating new ways to explore our sexuality, and growing as people that discomfort needs to become, if not comfortable, at least not terrifying .

“Nobody ever died of discomfort, yet living in the name of comfort has killed more ideas, more opportunities, more actions, and more growth than everything else combined. Comfort kills!” —T. Harv Eker

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that comfort is bad. It’s not. We need our comfortable spaces, our comfortable thoughts, our comfortable routines.

And frankly. we should feel comfortable on a day to day basis with the people we love.

Comfort allows us to relax, and gives us the opportunity to process our experiences and learn from them, even as we prepare for more discomfort and growth to come.

It’s discomfort, though…

…that provides the spark of love, of curiosity, of excitement.

It’s what brings us together to begin with, exploring each other’s bodies and thoughts. It’s what makes us daydream about what we can do and be together.

In between comfort and discomfort is the trap: expectations.

Expectations are discomfort masquerading as comfort. We imagine we know what is going to or should happen, and that makes us feel better about what’s coming.

The more you embrace discomfort and let go of expectations in your D/s relationship, the more you can experience and share with your partner, creating an ever greater foundation of comfort together.

Writing A Great Rejection In Four Easy Steps (And Two Are Optional!)

A cartoon girl holding hands out in front of herself, with an angry look of rejection.

Well, if any rejection can be great.

Maybe the title should be, “Writing A Rejection That Doesn’t Sting Any More Than It Has To To Get The Point Across In  Four Easy Steps (And Two Are Optional!),” but that’s reallllllly long, so I’mma stick with what I have.

I wrote a bit about rejection in my upcoming book, Dating Kinky.

Because, of course, rejection is a part of dating, and knowing how to both give it and take it more effectively makes dating sooooo much more pleasant.

You have a right to reject anyone for any reason.

Period.

Full stop.

Your life. Your rules. Continue reading “Writing A Great Rejection In Four Easy Steps (And Two Are Optional!)”

What If Hypocrisy…

A dial showing hypocrisy climbing.

…is most often just a sign that someone is in the throes of change?

I mean, yeah, there are politicians (and others) who build an entire life on hypocrisy, and that’s worth considering.

However, I don’t think MOST people intend to speak one way and do another, but often their thought evolution fast outpaces their habitual behaviors and there is a disconnect.

And it’s a key point, if this is what’s happening.

Because if we castigate them for what they are DOING wrong, we could halt or harm that progress. While praising them (or at least responding positively to them) for thinking the right (or in our eyes better) thing could strengthen and speed up that journey of change.

Just a Monday thought.

CC BY-SA HonestReporting.com, flickr/paloetic

Do It Anyway…

A Post-It™ note that has "Just Do It!" handwritten on it.

What do I do when I want to speak up, but I’m afraid of rejection?

I’d love to go to that kinky event, but I have no one to go with me.

I’ve put myself out there, and I’ve been insulted over and over. I’m afraid of doing it again.

I’ve gotten comments like this, messages, had these conversations…

My reply is always:

Do it, anyway.

Continue reading “Do It Anyway…”

The Missed Benefits Of Argument…

Two men arguing.

I feel like people have lost the art of argument.

Or maybe many just never had it at all.

It’s not about convincing others or forcing them to your will, for me. Never has been.

Sometimes, it’s about being there for those who are watching, especially online.

But for me, a lot of the time argument/discussion helps me figure out if my opinions are any good.

If I can defend my thoughts, back them up, support them, counter others’ points… then I have a clue that it’s well thought out and possibly accurate.

So many people consider any disagreement with their opinions as some sort of personal attack or offense, instead of a valuable service provided free of charge by the world to help them become better people.

I tell people all the time that I LOVE when people disagree with me, as it allows me to see new ways of thinking, believing and understanding the world (even when I think they are wrong). It makes me a better person for knowing and makes my own arguments (for myself and with others) stronger.

Just some food for thought this morning.

Do you welcome arguments as a way to grow? Or do you avoid them or take offense?

On Overwhelm

A vintage 1950s-style lady with a big smile pointing to the words, "I smile to hide how completely overwhelmed I am."

My whole life, I’ve been a doer.

I’ve taken the road less traveled, I’ve gone out and experienced things. I’ve really LIVED. One of my mottos is “Busy is better than bored,” and in fact, I’m not sure I know what bored is.

There is always so much to do.

Sometimes, it seems like there’s too much.

Sometimes, I get overwhelmed.

And it’s not like there is a super-obvious reason. I mean, yeah, I have a million things going on. I always do. I always have. Nothing has changed there.

Continue reading “On Overwhelm”

My Results Do Not Equal Yours

The words: "Part Performance Guarantees Future Results," with a red circle/slash around it.

Yesterday, @Fentrix said in a comment on my writing:

As if talking about an opinion I’ve held that I’ve found useful in my life has anything to do with right or wrong, it has to do with utility.

To which I answered just this morning:

Yes! It’s useful to me. If it’s useful to you, I’m so glad. If it’s not, that’s cool, too. If I inspired you to think… I’m pleased as punch.

I don’t care that people believe in compromise in their relationships, in low context communication, in CNC… If it works for them and their partners, I’m all for it.

I do talk about how I think and why, and how I grow through issues, because when I’ve been doing all this, reading others doing the same thing (even in vastly different channels) has helped me learn more about myself and how I think.

And then looking at my calendar, I see that the point meshes quite well with what I intended to write about today. Continue reading “My Results Do Not Equal Yours”

Fear & Loathing In Kink-Vegas

A still from the movie, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas."

Almost exactly a year ago, I wrote a piece about being kind to idiots here online. @Justin_Kase commented on part of it, asking the question:

I would love love to hear your thoughts on WHY are we so DAMN afraid – kink / vanilla / perineal and professional lives so many people are afraid to be real – be themselves. For a long time I thought the Community (big C) experienced less of this – was more accepting and while this is largely still the case in my experience it is still not the norm.

So why are we so afraid, nervous, defensive – all those ingredients that make us IDIOTS

I asserted (the TL:DR version) that SOMETIMES, people are idiots in specific areas of knowledge because they don’t know, and are often afraid to know and learn.

And it’s true. Continue reading “Fear & Loathing In Kink-Vegas”