The Way We Were, AKA The WON TWOO WAY™

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!


I follow a lot of different kink groups on various sites (since the alt BB days, even Compuserve had BDSM bulletin boards) because I find it fascinating the different perspectives on WIITWD (What It Is The We Do) that are out there.

I follow a lot more than I participate, and when I have participated, I’ve often found that the very people who proclaim to all how accepting WE KINKSTERZ are of others are themselves incredibly intolerant of views that don’t exactly match their own.

And they bellyache and whine constantly about all the young kids playing on THEIR lawn, shaking their virtual fists about them not doing it right, with no respect for their elders, and generally making a mess out of all the traditions they hold so dear.

Continue reading “The Way We Were, AKA The WON TWOO WAY™”

What Are Your Kinky Questions? ASK THEM!

What is kinky, anyway?

What questions do you have about kink?

OR what questions have you had about kink in the past when you were a brand-spanking new kinkster?

OR what questions would you want a newbie to kink to ask you or an expert that you trust?

(No need to say which is which, necessarily. grins)

If you have answers to the questions you pose, please share them as well. If you have answers to what other people ask, or opinions, please feel free to answer.

I’m looking to find out what you want to know, and to help you find out what you want to know.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I’m going to be writing a book about “What is kinky?” and I’ll probably take inspiration from your questions, and possibly use (with permission and attribution) quotes of your answers.

Access To The Playground

Access To The Playground

Unlike the days of being “in the know,” and searching the classified section of The Village Voice to find like-minded kinky folk, kink is no longer invite-only.

Some bemoan this fact.

They enjoyed the exclusivity, the smugness associated with taking very specific steps to gain a title or recognition or entrée into “the lifestyle.”

And that’s OK.

I enjoy it far more now.

Continue reading “Access To The Playground”

Relationship Protocol As A PB&J Sammich

Relationship Protocol As A PB&J Sammich

I’ve been pretty clear about my position on relationship or D/s protocol, and while I go out of my way to be considerate of others’ preferences, I don’t believe I am entitled (or you are) to ANYONE following personal protocol (or any other kinds of preferences).

For me, it’s simple.

Never put responsibility for your relationship protocols on others.

That is up to those of you in the relationship to maintain.

For example, if you have a relationship policy that you BOTH approve a playmate for your partner, and someone asks your partner to play, it is up to your partner to tell the asker that they will need to also contact you if they want to play with your partner.

Not up to them to know this.

And it’s not a requirement for them to then contact you. They get to make the choice whether they follow-through or not, and whether they want to participate in your relationship protocols.

Even if they want to play.Even if they want to play.

Continue reading “Relationship Protocol As A PB&J Sammich”

She Needs to Know That You’re CAPABLE of Cruelty

She Needs to Know That You're CAPABLE of Cruelty

Guest Post by _Vidar_ (FetLife link)

“It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.”
Niccolo Machiavelli

That doesn’t sound like a relationship I’d like to be in, either as the giver or reciever of fear, but there’s a kernel of applicable wisdom in there.

Awhile back (I wouldn’t recommend this) my first scenes with a few women were very severe and in every case, we developed interesting relationships that had legs. That was probably part luck, but there was more to it than that. From the outset, my willingness to be brutal was never in question

Continue reading “She Needs to Know That You’re CAPABLE of Cruelty”

Kink Fantasy Vs. Kink Reality

Kink Fantasy Vs. Kink Reality

A common conversation:

They say:

Something, something, kink, something, blah blah blah, [insert porn ideology here].

I reply:

“That’s all fantasy. Reality is a different world.”

They return:

Well, reality is overrated.

This is where they always lose me.

Reality is my homey. You dis reality, you dis me.

I’m all about the real.

In fact, I don’t even “fantasize” in the normal ways, because when I have fantasies, I generally pursue them and realize them, and know that fantasy cannot (for me) ever beat the feel of flesh on flesh, the scent of another body, then sounds of grunts and words, the tastes of sweat and saliva, the sights, even of blackness when blindfolded.

To me, fantasy is the bit that’s overrated.

I mean, it’s fun. I don’t knock it. I read fantasy and fiction. It’s entertaining. It’s inspiring. I credit books with shaping my life in many ways.

As Jimmy so wisely said:

“Read dozens of books about heroes and crooks,
And I learned much from both of their styles.”

Sharing fantasies with Pet has allowed me to get to know his deeper self much more effectively (I believe) than trying to dig out and discover things as I went, or as they came up in conversation.

Even online porn and memes, which often represent the most extreme edges of la-la land and unrealistic ideations of what a specific kink might represent has it’s uses when made into a tool for talking about concepts that we may not yet have had our own words for.

But for us, while the fantasy is useful and hot, nothing beats actually doing things together. Even when they are not as extreme, perhaps, they still have US. Our connection. Our real senses of touch and taste and hearing. And they fit into our real lives as well.

And I’ve seen fantasy become a jail for many. An addiction.

Those who fall willingly down the rabbit hole of extreme ideas and fetishes, who never even experienced the first level in real life, so they are constantly chasing the utmost in kinky/fetish play, when they have yet to find a partner who will even start at the basics with them.

And so, they thirst.

And thirst.

And become (and behave) THIRSTY.

And people turn away, because those who look for these things in reality know the unrealistic fantasy when they see it. And know the addiction.

In my view, fantasy can be an amazing tool for communication and inspiration in a relationship.

If it’s never backed up by or partnered with reality, though, for me, it loses it’s appeal and fast.

What do you think?

What is amazing about fantasy? What is good? How has it helped you in your exploration of kink or your relationships?

What is not so healthy about fantasy? Have you seen it in a negative light before?

And reality. What do you LOVE about reality? What frustrates you about it, or when does reality feel like a let-down?

I *HATE* Labels!

Labels

Labels. We seem to have a love/hate relationship with them. I know that I’ve often railed against a particular label and the constraints I felt it forced on me, and yet, I value labels for their usefulness in communicating entire concepts and ideas in a single word.

The video:

The text:

Today, I followed up on a few posts I’d made in various groups and pages on Facebook. I had shared a piece about pansexuality that I thought was an interesting look at a word that may be a bit new to a lot of people:

https://www.them.us/story/pansexuality-101

While quite a few people in different channels responded well to the link and the information it contained, there were some who really railed against it.

Not against BEING pansexual so much as labeling oneself as pansexual.

The “pansexual label.”

And I see this a lot:

Why does everything need a label?

Labels are limiting.

Why use a label at all? Why not just treat everyone the same way?

People in general HATE to be labeled.

I hate to be labeled.

Again, I’ve railed against the limitations of labels myself, so I’m no stranger to these thoughts.

That said, I’m going to answer these questions.

Why does everything need a label?

Humans use labels (words) to communicate. Using one word (label) over another makes communication more concise.

Saying “chair” brings one thing to mind. Saying “chaise lounge” brings a more specific thing to mind.

Saying “kinky person” brings a general idea to mind. Saying “dominant daddy” brings a more specific idea to mind.

Labels are limiting.

Yes, they are.

Labels are MEANT to be limiting. That’s why they make for effective communication.

Labels are 1-to-3-word-shorthands for potentially paragraphs of information.

Take the examples above.

Chaise lounge replaces the following: “An upholstered sofa in the shape of a chair that is long enough to support the legs. In modern French the term chaise longue can refer to any long reclining chair such as a deckchair.”

And dominant daddy replaces: “A Daddy Dom is a slight variation from a traditional dominant in a dominant/submissive relationship in that they must consider their subs inner child dynamic. DaddyDoms are usually in full control of their li’l, but also have to take care of the social and emotional well being of their baby girl since their sub is in a slightly different mind space than traditional subs.  Another significant indication of a Daddy Dom is that they will spoil the heck out of their li’l…” [ref] and more.

Now, that said, many labels (especially those that apply to humans) are not, and were never meant to be a substitute for actual communication between two people. They are simply a place to begin.

Why use a label at all? Why not just treat everyone the same way?

You can do both!

You can use and understand what people are communicating with their labels and still treat them as you would treat anyone.

People in general HATE to be labeled. I hate to be labeled.

Agreed.

I absolutely despise it when people label me without my input or consent.

And yet, I happily label myself.

We ALL do.

I am a writer, kinky, polyamorous, woman, dominant, foodie, businessperson, teacher, shoe-lover, reader, hedonist, friend, dog enthusiast, flirt, neuro-atypical…

I’m betting even you can relate to one or more of those. We all use labels for ourselves.

No one is saying that you HAVE to use a label in that article about pansexuality. They are saying this is the label they prefer to use and what it means to them.

Now you know what they are communicating when they say it.

Simple.

Are You A “MORE” Person?

More

This morning, Pet and I had each other for breakfast.

It was delicious.

Mmmm.

I digress. Damn. So distracting.

Anyway, we often spend some time together in the mornings, especially after date night with others, including bulls.

This morning, as he buried himself between my thighs, I talked dirty to him. Well, I talked “me” to him. That just happens to qualify as dirty to most, I’d guess.

Anyway, I told him what an amazing lover he is, how he pleases me so fucking well, and then I told him, “Give me more.” Continue reading “Are You A “MORE” Person?”

Consent: Ask For It!

Ask For Consent

This weekend, in the Triangle, PUSH is going on. It’s a kinky hotel takeover filled with amazing, hot, sexy people. And anything like that is a perfect reason to discuss consent.

To be clear: I have NOT heard of any consent violations at PUSH. I just wanted to plug them and use a large gathering of kinky peeps as an example. Other examples include the many cons coming up, now that Fall is racing towards us, some of which I’ll be attending as an instructor. YAY!

But back to consent.

It’s common at such amazing events for people to reach out and touch, without getting consent first. Continue reading “Consent: Ask For It!”