I *HATE* Labels!

Labels

Labels. We seem to have a love/hate relationship with them. I know that I’ve often railed against a particular label and the constraints I felt it forced on me, and yet, I value labels for their usefulness in communicating entire concepts and ideas in a single word.

The video:

The text:

Today, I followed up on a few posts I’d made in various groups and pages on Facebook. I had shared a piece about pansexuality that I thought was an interesting look at a word that may be a bit new to a lot of people:

https://www.them.us/story/pansexuality-101

While quite a few people in different channels responded well to the link and the information it contained, there were some who really railed against it.

Not against BEING pansexual so much as labeling oneself as pansexual.

The “pansexual label.”

And I see this a lot:

Why does everything need a label?

Labels are limiting.

Why use a label at all? Why not just treat everyone the same way?

People in general HATE to be labeled.

I hate to be labeled.

Again, I’ve railed against the limitations of labels myself, so I’m no stranger to these thoughts.

That said, I’m going to answer these questions.

Why does everything need a label?

Humans use labels (words) to communicate. Using one word (label) over another makes communication more concise.

Saying “chair” brings one thing to mind. Saying “chaise lounge” brings a more specific thing to mind.

Saying “kinky person” brings a general idea to mind. Saying “dominant daddy” brings a more specific idea to mind.

Labels are limiting.

Yes, they are.

Labels are MEANT to be limiting. That’s why they make for effective communication.

Labels are 1-to-3-word-shorthands for potentially paragraphs of information.

Take the examples above.

Chaise lounge replaces the following: “An upholstered sofa in the shape of a chair that is long enough to support the legs. In modern French the term chaise longue can refer to any long reclining chair such as a deckchair.”

And dominant daddy replaces: “A Daddy Dom is a slight variation from a traditional dominant in a dominant/submissive relationship in that they must consider their subs inner child dynamic. DaddyDoms are usually in full control of their li’l, but also have to take care of the social and emotional well being of their baby girl since their sub is in a slightly different mind space than traditional subs.  Another significant indication of a Daddy Dom is that they will spoil the heck out of their li’l…” [ref] and more.

Now, that said, many labels (especially those that apply to humans) are not, and were never meant to be a substitute for actual communication between two people. They are simply a place to begin.

Why use a label at all? Why not just treat everyone the same way?

You can do both!

You can use and understand what people are communicating with their labels and still treat them as you would treat anyone.

People in general HATE to be labeled. I hate to be labeled.

Agreed.

I absolutely despise it when people label me without my input or consent.

And yet, I happily label myself.

We ALL do.

I am a writer, kinky, polyamorous, woman, dominant, foodie, businessperson, teacher, shoe-lover, reader, hedonist, friend, dog enthusiast, flirt, neuro-atypical…

I’m betting even you can relate to one or more of those. We all use labels for ourselves.

No one is saying that you HAVE to use a label in that article about pansexuality. They are saying this is the label they prefer to use and what it means to them.

Now you know what they are communicating when they say it.

Simple.

Are You A “MORE” Person?

More

This morning, Pet and I had each other for breakfast.

It was delicious.

Mmmm.

I digress. Damn. So distracting.

Anyway, we often spend some time together in the mornings, especially after date night with others, including bulls.

This morning, as he buried himself between my thighs, I talked dirty to him. Well, I talked “me” to him. That just happens to qualify as dirty to most, I’d guess.

Anyway, I told him what an amazing lover he is, how he pleases me so fucking well, and then I told him, “Give me more.” Continue reading “Are You A “MORE” Person?”

Consent: Ask For It!

Ask For Consent

This weekend, in the Triangle, PUSH is going on. It’s a kinky hotel takeover filled with amazing, hot, sexy people. And anything like that is a perfect reason to discuss consent.

To be clear: I have NOT heard of any consent violations at PUSH. I just wanted to plug them and use a large gathering of kinky peeps as an example. Other examples include the many cons coming up, now that Fall is racing towards us, some of which I’ll be attending as an instructor. YAY!

But back to consent.

It’s common at such amazing events for people to reach out and touch, without getting consent first. Continue reading “Consent: Ask For It!”

Of Course I Trust Him!

At the core of trust is "us." And the core of us is trust.

I run a Facebook group, Women In Charge, and we have some pretty amazing conversations there.

In one of those conversations quite some time ago, we discussed using a cock cage to restrict a man’s ability to touch himself, pleasure himself, or bring himself to orgasm.

I said that while cages can be fun as a novelty, for me they are not for daily use. I prefer to inspire the feelings that make him want to save his orgasms for me.

Quite a few people were shocked, and said I must really trust him to allow that freedom. Continue reading “Of Course I Trust Him!”

The IDEA of D/s

A cartoon person with a myriad of ideas floating around his head, including D/s, a candle, handcuffs, rope and more.

Hanging out with kinsters, reading FetLife, dating freaky folk, eventually it often comes to a point where it all seems so… mundane. So unimpressive.

Don’t worry.

That’s quite normal.

After all, humans see patterns in everything, and we are always relating it to ourselves, so we get used to even the most bizarre ideas, exposed to enough of them.

And frankly, real life often falls short of what we read, so often, it’s easier to just fall in love with an idea of something, rather than do what it takes to search for and find the tangible. Continue reading “The IDEA of D/s”

It’s Like Toilet Paper Bondage…

Just a roll of toilet paper on a white background, slightly unrolled.

Behavior modification, that is.

It’s not like handcuffs or chains, where you do something once, and they are bound by your directive, until you free them.

It’s far more subtle.

Gossamer.

Like restraining someone with toilet paper.

One layer of toilet paper wrapped around their body is real enough to feel, to KNOW, but not enough to hold them.

However, once you’ve put in enough layers (reinforcement) in enough ways (places), their reality is constrained to what you desire.

Behavior modification is like that. It’s not one and done.

It’s not something that is set into place, then sticks forever.

It takes tending. Cultivating. Encouraging. More and more layers.

It’s like toilet paper bondage.

The Four Kinds Of Kinkster

The Four Kinds of Kinkster

1. The kinkster who pretends to know all the kinky things for any variety of reasons (superiority, authority, power, etc.) but don’t actually know what they are doing.

2. Those who actually believe they know all the kinky things but are completely wrong.

3. People who admit they don’t know all the kinky things, and let that paralyze them because they believe types 1 and 2 are being truthful.

4. Kinksters who are ok admitting they don’t know all the kinky things and just get on with it anyway.

I prefer the last kind.

*smiles*

Trust In Kink Is A Very Different Beast, For Me

Trust

Trust.

It’s at the core of all that we claim to do in kink, and yet, the more I dig into the relationships people have and what they say versus what they do, the more I realize that, for me, trust is not what it is to others.

For example, I generally assume that if I meet you and you smile at me, you are not going to stalk me after that one meeting and axe-murder me in my sleep.

But that’s not trust.

That’s simply absence of evidence. Continue reading “Trust In Kink Is A Very Different Beast, For Me”