What Is YOUR Trap?

“My mind was attached to a specific image of what it meant to be manly. It invested its entire self-worth into preserving that image. My mind greatly undervalues my true worth.”

WOW.

This hit me when I read it.

And it hit me again when that same person kept shutting down anyone offering suggestions on stepping outside those self-created boxes and really freeing themselves to be authentic—and eventually left the forums.

And I thought to myself, “What a trap he’s built for himself. And oh! How he’s caught fast.”

And yet.

Don’t we all have traps that we set for ourselves and for others?

  • What does it mean to be a woman?
  • What does it mean to be a dominant?
  • What does it mean to be an educator?
  • What does it mean to be bisexual?
  • What does it mean to be 45?
  • What does it mean to be Me?

These are some of the traps I could be (and probably am) constructing around myself at any given time.

I’d like to think I examine them and free myself semi-regularly from my entanglements, and all of you and your comments and discussions help me with that.

Thank you.

What are your traps?

How have you boxed yourself in? Have you defined your life or actions based on who you think you SHOULD be, perhaps more than who you are in any ways?

I’d love to hear your stories.

Call Me Ishmael—I Mean Nookie—Please

Call Me Ishmael, I Mean Nookie

Whatever you call me will, in part, determine how I react to you.

This is important to me. I have a macro on my computer that I trigger every time someone writes to me and calls me “goddess,” “mistress,” “domina,” or the like.

I don’t like any of those, and certainly not from the mouths of strangers.

It goes like this:

Please don’t call me ____. I don’t own you, so I prefer not to be titled by you. Please call me Nookie, or Miss Nookie if you must use an honorific.
Thank you.

You can imagine how many people get confused by this or take offense.

Not my problem. Address me how I prefer to be addressed or I won’t respond.

Simple.

I had this conversation with a friend of mine on here, where he was asking about the opposite situation, where he might call me by my username (or rather, someone else), and they required him to use some sort of honorific, and how did I feel about that?

I responded that I think I have a right to say what I prefer to be called, and you have a right to decide whether you will call me that.

If someone wants you to call them Goddess, and you don’t want to, well, then, you have a right to ask for alternatives or remove yourself from their company.

You have a right to call me something I do not like and I have a right to leave your presence, not respond, or respond in a negative manner.

It’s obvious, right?

Which is why I suggest that when approaching people, it’s safest to start with their username, or whatever is written on their nametag, then, as soon as possible, ask, “And what would you like me to call you?”

And if they say, “Call me Ishmael,” then that’s the right thing to do.

Body Positivity AND Inclusivity…

Body Types Positivity

One of the things I’ve been focused on with Dating Kinky is creating an atmosphere of  kink, sex, and body positivity.

In the original site, I offered the following options for “body type” on profiles:

  • Average
  • Petite
  • Slim
  • Athletic
  • Curvy
  • A Little Extra
  • Muscular
  • BBW / BHM

In the new site, I’ve separated (by request):

  • BBW – Big Beautiful Woman
  • BHM – Big Handsome Man

As I’m working on these today, and preparing to migrate the old site data over to the new site, I was thinking about how we’ll let all the men know that we now have an option for them, when I was stopped in my (thinking) tracks.

This is a very binary view, no matter how body positive it is.

So, what to put in for the non-binaries?

  • BGP – Big Gorgeous Person?
  • FSP – Fluffy Sexy Person?
  • MFTL – More For The Lovin’?

What?

I’ll admit I’m pretty much lost in this one, and I’m asking YOU, the ones who might use a label like this, what you might want to see here.

I *HATE* Labels!

Labels

Labels. We seem to have a love/hate relationship with them. I know that I’ve often railed against a particular label and the constraints I felt it forced on me, and yet, I value labels for their usefulness in communicating entire concepts and ideas in a single word.

The video:

The text:

Today, I followed up on a few posts I’d made in various groups and pages on Facebook. I had shared a piece about pansexuality that I thought was an interesting look at a word that may be a bit new to a lot of people:

https://www.them.us/story/pansexuality-101

While quite a few people in different channels responded well to the link and the information it contained, there were some who really railed against it.

Not against BEING pansexual so much as labeling oneself as pansexual.

The “pansexual label.”

And I see this a lot:

Why does everything need a label?

Labels are limiting.

Why use a label at all? Why not just treat everyone the same way?

People in general HATE to be labeled.

I hate to be labeled.

Again, I’ve railed against the limitations of labels myself, so I’m no stranger to these thoughts.

That said, I’m going to answer these questions.

Why does everything need a label?

Humans use labels (words) to communicate. Using one word (label) over another makes communication more concise.

Saying “chair” brings one thing to mind. Saying “chaise lounge” brings a more specific thing to mind.

Saying “kinky person” brings a general idea to mind. Saying “dominant daddy” brings a more specific idea to mind.

Labels are limiting.

Yes, they are.

Labels are MEANT to be limiting. That’s why they make for effective communication.

Labels are 1-to-3-word-shorthands for potentially paragraphs of information.

Take the examples above.

Chaise lounge replaces the following: “An upholstered sofa in the shape of a chair that is long enough to support the legs. In modern French the term chaise longue can refer to any long reclining chair such as a deckchair.”

And dominant daddy replaces: “A Daddy Dom is a slight variation from a traditional dominant in a dominant/submissive relationship in that they must consider their subs inner child dynamic. DaddyDoms are usually in full control of their li’l, but also have to take care of the social and emotional well being of their baby girl since their sub is in a slightly different mind space than traditional subs.  Another significant indication of a Daddy Dom is that they will spoil the heck out of their li’l…” [ref] and more.

Now, that said, many labels (especially those that apply to humans) are not, and were never meant to be a substitute for actual communication between two people. They are simply a place to begin.

Why use a label at all? Why not just treat everyone the same way?

You can do both!

You can use and understand what people are communicating with their labels and still treat them as you would treat anyone.

People in general HATE to be labeled. I hate to be labeled.

Agreed.

I absolutely despise it when people label me without my input or consent.

And yet, I happily label myself.

We ALL do.

I am a writer, kinky, polyamorous, woman, dominant, foodie, businessperson, teacher, shoe-lover, reader, hedonist, friend, dog enthusiast, flirt, neuro-atypical…

I’m betting even you can relate to one or more of those. We all use labels for ourselves.

No one is saying that you HAVE to use a label in that article about pansexuality. They are saying this is the label they prefer to use and what it means to them.

Now you know what they are communicating when they say it.

Simple.

Writing Prompt: Your Current Roles/Labels

On FetLife, I am a kinkster. On my kinky dating sites, I am a dominant. I also identify as bisexual in some places and heteroflexible in others. I am a switch in activities and sexuality, but never in my relationships. I also identify as epicurean, insatiably curious, poly, feminine, bossy, cuckoldress, experience whore, ‘She Who Must Be Obeyed’, silly, geeky, lazy, ambivert, tea lover, and more.

More than anything, I identify as Nookie, which is both my long-time nickname and my role.

My given name is Heather, but few people use that regularly.

There were a lot of Heathers growing up. Once, I was in a class with three others… I’ve only know the one Nookie. Me.

Continue reading “Writing Prompt: Your Current Roles/Labels”

Writing Prompt: Your Current Roles/Labels

Labels And Roles

On FetLife, of all the labels to choose from, I am a kinkster. On my kinky dating sites, I am a dominant. I also identify as bisexual in some places and heteroflexible in others. I am a switch in activities and sexuality, but never in my relationships. I also identify as epicurean, insatiably curious, poly, feminine, bossy, cuckoldress, experience whore, ‘She Who Must Be Obeyed’, silly, geeky, lazy, ambivert, tea lover, and more.

More than anything, I identify as Nookie, which is both my long-time nickname and my role. Continue reading “Writing Prompt: Your Current Roles/Labels”

In Defense Of Labels

So I wrote yesterday about labels in relationships, and how I personally feel that they are not useful to me early in a relationship, and that was read by many as an anti-labels statement.

It’s not.

I have had that discussion many times, and I am all for labels.

I am all for labels being used properly.

The GOOD thing about labels is that they provide a shortcut to longer conversations.

If I say, “I am a writer,” you can make assumptions about who I am and what I do, to jump-start a conversation that might be more relevant. Sure, you might be wrong in some ways, but that is easily corrected, and added to your experience.

Continue reading “In Defense Of Labels”

Why Do You Give A Fuck What Label I Use?

I do not identify as “Domme” on Fet.

I don’t think it is a clear enough picture of who I am. I like so many different sub-classifications that I simply chose kinkster as my label.

As such, I get a lot of questions, and quite a few propositions. And when I turn them down, I often get a snide comment about my label.

Thing is, I’m not special.

This label yourself according to MY definition thing is crazy prevalent. All over the place. People are trying to police how others can identify through some sort of strange personal set of standards.

Kinkster, to me, mostly covers who I am:

  • Dominant woman
  • Sex fiend
  • Top
  • bottom
  • Cuckoldress
  • Humiliatrix
  • Curious (about damn near everything)
  • Silly
  • Introspective

And yadda, yadda.

Yet, people write to me for THE SECKS, and when I turn them down, tell me I must not enjoy sex and must hate men.

Or ask me to top them, and when I say, “I am not a service top, I really only get pleasure from topping those I love, and frankly, I don’t know how to safely whip you,” tell me I’m not a kinkster.

And then there are those, who when see me bottoming for rope or fire or whatever, say things like, “I thought you were dominant.”

I say I love and prefer alpha submissives, and people go of on a rail about how alpha submissives is a label designed to make other submissives feel inferior for not being alpha… WTF? Seriously?

Why do you give a fuck what label I use?

  • Does kinkster make me more or less something than you think I should be?
  • Do you think that me saying I am dominant is an agreement to never enjoy getting my hair pulled during sex again?
  • Does saying I love sex mean to you that I mus then have sex with every human that ever approaches me, ever, or I lose my “I <3 The Sex” card?
  • Does saying I enjoy cuckolds mean that I don’t like other labels, or I think they are inferior?

Honestly, kinkster does not fully describe me.

If I had my druthers, I’d choose Epicurean.

It’s a philosophy of pleasure as the highest form of good. Hot as in hedonism, but in understanding that living moderately and choosing pleasures carefully is more important than excess and the harm that is cause to oneself and others as a result.

According to Epicurus, with whom a person eats is of greater importance than what is eaten. Unnecessary and, especially, artificially produced desires were to be suppressed.

I agree. Who one sexes with, tops with, bottoms with, cuckolds with, humiliates with, sillies with, dominates with explores with and introspects with is more important than the acts themselves.

But, as Epicurean was not available, I did as my dear friend Kiba says, and chose kinkster “because it was the closest thing to ‘yes’ in the drop-down menu.”

And still, I ask:

Why do you give a fuck what label I use? Or what label others use?

I’m curious. How do YOU see me (there are no wrong answers, just perceptions)? I’m open to all, positive and negative.

And how do you label yourself? And why?