Why The Good Dick Gotta Ruin Our Lives?

Is Your Work Suffering?

LOL! A young friend of mine sent me this today:

Some of the relevant transcript (for those who can’t see the vid):

Hey besties. Ladies, I’m just trying to figure out why we keep letting good dick rule our lives. We gotta take a hold of the vagina and keep it outta grasp, and… and do our kegels and ruin their life. Why good dick gotta ruin our lives?

“It’s cool. It ain’t like that. We’ve been through a lot.” Girrrrrl! Girl girl girl! It’s the dick. Keep it 1000. Come on, now…

So, my young friend sends me this, and asks if that’s really true.

(Honestly, I think he’s concerned about giving the good dick… he’s a bit new to all this sex stuff…)

I said for some, sure.

And then there are those who just don’t value dick (no matter how much squirt, how many orgasms, how GOD hisself comes down from the heavens to bless your coital union with sunshine and a choir of angels) over their personal well-being, and know that dick, good and bad, is everywhere, so they will wait for preemo.

What’s preemo?

Well, it’s the package. The people you LIKE who also have the dick.

And when I say “the dick,” I could be talking about any kinda sex here, because I don’t think it’s just women who get stupid over man dick, but any gender getting ass-over-teakettle over any of those good O’s that make you slap someone.

And, funny enough for me, those I like bring the dick better than anyone else.

So, it’s all good.

I guess I’ll have to let something else ruin my life. Today, I pick Ben & Jerry’s.

how many ppl u sexd?

Sexting

Really? THAT’s what you want to know? That’s your burning question? The one that comes before an introduction, some small talk?

UGH.

And while that is heinous, the question in general is kind of gross, no matter what, in my view.

After all, why da fuck you care?

What possible bearing could that have on my relationship with you?

Let’s explore:

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with change how I look?

If so, you can judge how I look without knowing.

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with determine how capable I am of loving?

If so, you can determine whether I love you enough through my words and actions, rather than through my sexual history.

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with have anything to do with my skills in bed?

Well, then, when we get to that point, try me out, and we’ll see if we are compatible there.

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with suggest to you how I might feel “down there?”

If so, you can find that out when/if you are allowed to feel that.

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with give you an idea of how loyal I will be?

If so, find out by actually experiencing my loyalty.

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with give you and idea of your competition?

Sex is not a competition. Can’t you understand that if I’m with you, it’s because I want to be?

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with tell you whether I am a good person or not?

Can’t you decide that for yourself through other factors?

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with give you an idea of my STD/STI status?

You can find that out through asking me for my test results—even my test results history.

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with tell you whether you are likely to get sex with me?

No. It doesn’t.

And besides, it’s none of your gawddamned business.

Image: Mike Licht, CC2.0

Q. What Is The Difference Between A Garbanzo Bean And A Chickpea?

An illustration of a man with a monocle peering between a woman's legs looking for the clitoris.

A. I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face!

*guffaw*

Ok, ok, I’ve got another.

Q. What’s the difference between a man’s orgasm and a woman’s orgasm?

A. Scientists don’t question whether male orgasms exist.

*laughs, then… sighs*

Look, people, female pleasure has been around as long as male pleasure, and all of this confusion about how it works hurts EVERYONE.

If orgasm doesn’t exist outside of ejaculation, then women get the short end if they don’t squirt, and men never get to learn to experience multiples.

AND… what’s in it for those women who enjoy sex with men, if their pleasure is not a priority?

It’s sad.

To brighten it up, though, I found this fun little documentary on the clitoris that I wanted to share with you. It’s French, and subtitled, which somehow makes it even cuter to me, and the whimsical animation makes me smile.

Oh HELL Yeah! According To Studies, Sex CAN Make You Happier, Overall

Sex Makes You Happier

Whew!

And I thought it was all in my head.

LOL! No, I really didn’t. I have know since I was… well, since I started having sex that sex makes me happier, more creative, more engaging, more energetic, more loving, more tolerant, healthier, and probably a gadzillion things more that I am not bringing to mind right now.

Now, there are people studying this shit and proving it. Continue reading “Oh HELL Yeah! According To Studies, Sex CAN Make You Happier, Overall”

No, Your Culture Does Not Get To Dictate MY Pleasure: The Orgasm Gap

Orgasm Gap

I’ll admit, I still don’t get the Orgasm Gap thing, even though I’ve written about it before.

In this post, the quote I picked up on was:

“According to both the books I’ve read on it, the orgasm gap exists primarily because our culture still overvalues penile pleasure and undervalues clitoral pleasure. “

What does culture have to do with when you are in bed with someone?

I mean, you may overvalue penile pleasure (and for me, there is a LOT to be valued), while I value my clitoral pleasure a great deal. Continue reading “No, Your Culture Does Not Get To Dictate MY Pleasure: The Orgasm Gap”

Why Do We Think Consent Isn’t Sexy?

Consent Is Sexy

I was at an event a couple of weekends ago, and I asked a question in a discussion:

“What can we do to make consent more sexy?”

I followed that up by saying that If we find ways to make our lives more full of consent, that making it sexy and fun and natural is a no-brainer to me, and that it will only benefit us as individuals and as a community.

The conversation got contentious.

People arguing, saying they thought consent shouldn’t be sexy or fun. It should be a chore, and difficult and serious, because… consent.

Which seems counter-intuitive to me.

How do we convince people to develop consent-infused lives if it’s presented as a chore that must be suffered through?

The other thing that perplexed me was that so many people were focusing their consent talking points on public scenes with strangers, or non-lovers/partners.

Like the MAJOR time that we need to think about consent is in public spaces with strangers.

Ummm. No.

In fact, according to a survey NSCF did in 2014, only 36% of consent violations were in a public space. Less than half of those were with non-lovers/partners. And only some of those (the poll is not clear on overlapping or specific numbers) were within a scene, as opposed to other kinds of consent violations.

So, a fraction of 20% were public play scenes with people who were not partners.

Seems to me all this talk of public negotiations and consent, while good, is overshadowing the larger issue of consent in our daily lives and interactions.

As if consent is something we do with strangers, but we can stop all that horrible effort when it comes to those we are close to, or in the privacy of our home.

But WHY would we want to stop?

  • Because it’s not sexy.
  • It ruins the mood.
  • It takes us out of our headspace.
  • It changes the dynamic.

Thing is, I’ve not found any of those things to be true.

Consent is sexy to me.

When I make him ask, explicitly, for what he wants, to beg for it, even, that is super sexy, and infuses the mood with my power over him and his desire for me. It makes his submission that much more intense for him, and my dominance feels so much stronger in those times. It reinforces our chosen dynamic.

Of course, not everyone kinks the way I do. I don’t even always kink the way I do, because I kink differently with different people.

Sometimes it’s as simple as, “Do you like when I do this? Would you like more? What if I move lower? May I touch you here?” said in a soft voice with smoldering eyes (or at least that’s how I imagine myself in my head, and no one has ever laughed outright, so I’m going with it).

I think consent is incredibly sexy. A turn-on. A must-have. It’s not a chore, or a hardship, it doesn’t get in the way. It is the foundation of a loving relationship or interaction.

So, why do we, as a society, think consent is not sexy?

What am I missing?

Do You GET Sex? Or Have Sex?

Sex Jackpot

What makes a dominant decidedly un-dominant?

Desperation.

It’s not just dominants that often stink of it. It’s any one, of any role, any sexual orientation, or any gender who thinks that sex or a relationship is something they get for doing or saying just the right things, in the right sequence.

It’s not.

It’s not about doing.

It’s about being.

Why I Don’t Give Blow Jobs – A Top Ten List

The words Top Ten written out.

There are so many reasons I don’t give blow jobs. I was thinking about it this morning, and thought I’d write them out, like a top ten.

Wonder if I’ll have ten.

Oh! The adventure!

10. Because Patriarchy!

Men putting their willy into women is a shining example of all that is patriarchy. So, a man shoving his boy bits into my mouth just tastes like… oppression.

9. Gag Reflex

Yeah. I have one. My first BF inadvertently got himself a Roman Shower… LOL!

Continue reading “Why I Don’t Give Blow Jobs – A Top Ten List”

The Problem With “Women Don’t Want Sex As Much As Men”

Men Vs. Women In Bed

Someone said in a conversation I’m in:

Those sort of atitudes, still alive in the 21st century, create a wall of misunderstanding and distrust that every man has to negotiate… <snipped>

And every woman.

Ever been in an argument, and had your partner tell you “I didn’t do X because you would do Y, and I didn’t want that,” and you were standing there wondering who the hell they think you are, because that was NOT your reaction? Continue reading “The Problem With “Women Don’t Want Sex As Much As Men””