Last night, on Tinder a man asked me this question.
In response to what I had planned today, I said, “I’m hoping to get outside for a walk or a hike in the sun and I’m spending the evening with a friend of mine coming into town.”
He asked which gender.
I asked, “Does it matter?”
He replied, “Nope. Does it bother you that I asked?” Then he added a little shrugging guy emoji.
I said, “It’s an odd question.”
He replied, “Why? I’m curious by nature and visual. To me, it’s a simple question.”
Yes, it is a simple question. Of course it is. It also raised red flags and his response of cluelessness raises more.
Here’s my reply:
Because it doesn’t matter and it doesn’t tell you anything significant by narrowing the possible companionship “visual” by only about 52% of the potential population.
Also, because for most people that would be a prying question. Inappropriate at the stage of familiarity we are at.
And lastly because it’s really a nunya.
I find it interesting that at 45 you either don’t realize these basic EQ things or that you do and are playing them off simply to see how I will respond.
Also, let me point out that my profile specifically states I am bi and poly. So, knowing whether the friend is a man or woman does not tell him anything more about whether I’m sleeping with them, and there is no reason for him to think I’m looking for any sort of exclusivity.
What are your thoughts?
- Would you ask that question of someone who you had never even met in person?
- Would that matter to you in any way?
- If you said something like that, would you feel that the gender(s) of your friends would be any of their business?
- Would this be a red flag for you?
- Would your answers change if you know I am going out with a man? Or a woman? Or an NB? If so, what changes?
One Response
The question would irk and irritate me. It might not be a red flag for a lot of people., but knowing myself, I’d be pretty turned off, especially in kinky or lifestyle context. I would not ask that of someone I had not met regardless of what gender/s they were unless I was interested in whoever their friend was for something interesting that would involve somebody who did care about gender, since that’s not really a thing for me (unless you count a predilection for queer/non-cis/QUILT-BAG peoples). Or if I was going to do a photo shoot that had specific requirements or that I had a certain look in mind. My answers wouldn’t change regardless of the gender of my friend or the gender of the person who was asking the question, although tbh I d be a bit prejudiced against a cis guy asking the question. I know that’s not fair but it’s hard to ignore a lot of bad past experiences. :-/