“My genitals do not tell you what I want or like. I do.” —Emily Nagoski

I’m having a conversation with a FetLifer struggling with fetishes and turn-ons they don’t understand. Humiliation. Embarrassment. Shame.

They sent me this video.

It’s a great watch. About 12 minutes of speaking.

Also, while I knew that arousal nonconcordance existed, the conversation I’ve been having and an example from the video inspired me to share.

arousal nonconcordance: when there’s a disconnect between physical response and the experience of pleasure and desire

Here are a few things I picked up.

1 in 3 women have suffered unwanted sexuality forced on them.
1 in 6 men.
HALF of transfolx.

Oh. Wow.

And SOMETIMES, this is a result of:

“Your lips say no, but you’re wet/hard/orgasming.”

And the opposite is true:

“You SAY you’re turned on, but you’re dry/soft/not orgasming. You’re lying/being nice/trying to spare my feelings.”

And a corollary:

“You say you don’t want this, but you have always wanted it before,a nd your body is reacting in pleasure, so you must be playing hard-to-get, or being spiteful.”

To which she suggests that we take people’s words for what they are, their expressions of truth. I say, especially when they are people are love or have sexy times with, because if we can’t accept their word on what they like and don’t like, can we really trust them to be safe with their bodies, our bodies and consent issues?

And to those with fetishes they can’t understand…

That day you felt a shiver of excitement when you watched a person get hit, or popped a boner/got wet when a foot toyed with your genitals, or when your interest perked up at the woman tied to the train tracks screaming for assistance…

Arousal nonconcordence.

And this does NOT invalidate your desires or fantasies. Not at all. Hey, you have them, that’s cool. I have some pretty sick ones, myself.

It does tell us where they might have gotten their beginning.

Regardless, though, whatever your physical response, you have a choice. And so does everyone around you.

So, let’s pay more attention to what they say (except, of course in negotiated relationships scenes where CNC is a thing, or the like), and not try to second guess what we’re told based on genital reaction.