The Veto: Or how wrong most polyamory groups get this.

The Veto: Or how wrong most polyamory groups get this.

There was an article on HuffPost the other day about a woman getting vetoed from a relationship. It was posted to a FB poly group I’m in, and I read the replies with interest.


And in my opinion, SO MANY PEOPLE get this wrong.

They talk about how uncool it is to have someone not in your relationship be able to affect your relationship.

Or that it’s abusive to allow allow anyone but the two people in a relationship to control that relationship.

Or that people who have relationships where vetos exist are allowing a third party to control them.


Or, at least most of the time, this is wrong.

And it’s wrong for EXACTLY the same reasons that people who are cheated on blame the sidepiece, not the cheater.

A veto is merely a form of expression. An utterance. A choice.

The ONLY person who makes that choice is the person IN THE RELATIONSHIP.

I could shout at you all day about ending your relationship because it makes me uncomfortable, and you’d probably think I was a twat, but you would know that ending the relationship is your choice, and you don’t wanna.

Same when it’s your partner telling you to end a relationship with someone else.


And if you’re in a relationship with that someone else? Their choice. And if they don’t choose you because someone else told them not to, they are not making a choice between you and the other person.

They are making a choice between you and the hassle of working things out, or between you and the arguments they don’t want to go through, or between you and the poor relationship choices they’ve made so far in their lives, etc.

It’s no different than if they made their choice between you and a new job, you and more bumper car time, or you and their own desire to sit on the couch and watch reruns of 90210, to mentally relive their best years.

Only one person can make that choice.

And if they do make that choice, it’s only tangentially related to the other person.

But blaming that other person is easier. Or blaming the veto. Because they are not the person you want/love. It’s easier to blame the meany, but not the one who is telling you they love you as they walk away towards someone or something else.

Maybe blame is the wrong word, anyway.

But when people walk away, even if they love you (or say they do), they are always doing it for their own reasons.

What are your thoughts?

Am I wrong? Am I right? What do you personally think about vetos in your nonmonogamous relationships?

What about others vetoing? Could your family (children, relatives) veto a new partner they don’t like or want around you? If yes, how is that different?

Are there words you might use instead of “veto”?

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