“The Sub Has All The Power…” *cough cough* “Bullshit.”

A crumpled piece of paper with the word "rubbish" written on it.

I mean, it’s kind of the point that the sub doesn’t have all the power. They don’t want it. They specifically want to give that up!


Who thinks up this drivel, and speeches it out like gospel so that new kinkies take it to heart and pass it on?

I’m in danger of spraining my optic nerve every time I read that drivel from some internet gobshite, due to my extreme eye roll.




And in case your logic centers are not firing, because you’re too excited for those NYE parties coming in a few hours, let me logic this out for you.

Continue reading ““The Sub Has All The Power…” *cough cough* “Bullshit.””

The Four Kinds Of Kinkster

The Four Kinds of Kinkster

1. The kinkster who pretends to know all the kinky things for any variety of reasons (superiority, authority, power, etc.) but don’t actually know what they are doing.

2. Those who actually believe they know all the kinky things but are completely wrong.

3. People who admit they don’t know all the kinky things, and let that paralyze them because they believe types 1 and 2 are being truthful.

4. Kinksters who are ok admitting they don’t know all the kinky things and just get on with it anyway.

I prefer the last kind.


Lies of Omission…

My writing yesterday about telling the truth brings up a recurring theme.

When is it a lie to omit a full truth?

I’ve written before that it’s a lie when omit the full truth when you know it’s pertinent to the other person, and you do it to avoid consequences.

I still stand by that.

But, how can we tell, really? I mean, I can justify damn near anything, when I need to, and that makes for a very slippery slope.

So, when is omission not a lie? When is is RIGHT?

I have a few suggestions:

When it’s none of their business.

And this is often when we lie easily. because it’s an intrusion for them to ask, and we resent it, so we lie, instead of simply saying, “That’s none of your business,” or telling a partial truth.

Example: I go to a “Slave Hunt” in the spring. Once, a business associate asked me what I did over the weekend. I said, “I went out into the woods and hung out with friends. We camped and told dirty jokes around a fire.”


Not all of the truth.

Because, frankly, that particular business associate had zero need to know that I flogged a naked “slave” tied to a post, surrounded by over 100 other like-minded people.

When it’s not your truth.

If it’s not your truth to tell, omitting it is not a lie.

However, I will say that there have been times, I have said, “I would ask _____, they know more about that situation than I do,” or “_____ dated so-and-so, perhaps they will have some insight,” without going into detail about why.

When it’s a risk to your life and liberty.

This is difficult, but it must be said. When telling the full truth would put you at risk of losing:

  • Your home.
  • Your job.
  • Your income (family putting you through college).

And etc.

I’m sure there are others. Perhaps you can add your own.

Just to be clear, I still don’t advocate lying. However, there are many ways you can tell the truth and not give it all away.

In fact, there is a word, paltering, which specifically applies: Telling the truth while misleading others, or leading them from a dangerous (to you) thought process to another.

There is a series of fantasy books, The Wheel of Time, by Robert Jordan (and Brandon Sanderson) that I used to read (and re-read the entire series) every holiday season when the new paperback would come out.

There was a sect of characters who could physically not tell a lie. It would not come out of their mouths… and yet, they could mislead and misdirect with the best of them. More, even, because they were know to be 100% truthful.

It’s a useful skill to have for those situations when it’s called for.

And yet, know your intentions.

Because lying with the truth is just as insidious as a flat-out-lie, and can seem even more harmful to those victims when (if) they discover it.

What are your thoughts on lying by omission?

In Defense Of Labels

So I wrote yesterday about labels in relationships, and how I personally feel that they are not useful to me early in a relationship, and that was read by many as an anti-labels statement.

It’s not.

I have had that discussion many times, and I am all for labels.

I am all for labels being used properly.

The GOOD thing about labels is that they provide a shortcut to longer conversations.

If I say, “I am a writer,” you can make assumptions about who I am and what I do, to jump-start a conversation that might be more relevant. Sure, you might be wrong in some ways, but that is easily corrected, and added to your experience.

Continue reading “In Defense Of Labels”

“I Don’t Want To Carry Tales.”

And that’s why they didn’t tell me.

That this person had a past. A dark past. One that could affect me and people I love and protect.

Because, “I don’t want to carry tales.”

Because, “Well, I figured it was sour grapes.”

Because, “I was never involved first hand.”

Because, “Well this other person was acting jealous.”

Because, “The victim asked me not to say anything.”

So, they didn’t tell me.

Would it have made a difference?

Maybe. Maybe not.

I would have known that there was something, even if I didn’t believe, I would have known.

I would have had the ability to consent, knowing, instead of consenting with no knowledge whatsoever, thinking everything was peachy-keen.

Until it wasn’t.

One of the greatest hurts of my life was finding out that someone I loved and trusted did not want to carry tales, when knowing what they knew when they knew could have saved me, could have saved my partner at the time…

Or maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference.

But I would have known.

So, what is the answer?

I don’t know, definitively. I know that different people feel differently. I tend to approach it like this:

“Hey, I know something about this person that you may not know. You may want to know it, you may not. It could be considered negative. Would you like me to tell you, even though it’s just [my experience/something I’ve heard/possibly ancient history]?”

Then, they can consent or not. If they do not, I simply say, “Ok. If you ever change your mind, I’m happy to share.”

What do you do? Do you always want to know or do you prefer that they keep it to themselves, so you can form your own opinion from their current words and actions?

Poly Is NOT For Everyone. (Poly Is Not, Part X)

Polyamory Is Not... A Series

I was recently walking with a friend who said to me, “I don’t know if I’m poly, really, or just want an open relationship.”

My reply was, “Well, you probably won’t know until you meet someone who you feel is a god fit as a primary, and want to keep looking. Or after that, when you are just playing and dating and satisfied, or you want more and deeper connections.”

I’ve recently been accused (in my last writing on poly, actually) or proselytizing.

I’m not. Continue reading “Poly Is NOT For Everyone. (Poly Is Not, Part X)”