On December 7, 2021, I presented the topic “LDR+Ds! Making the most of the miles” for Dating Kinky’s 12 Days of Kinkmas. The original presentation was free to all who joined us live, and was recorded for Dating Kinky’s PLUS members to access through the Dating Kinky Library (over 400 videos and 550 hours of content!).
Here is a clip from that 80-minute show, where I talk about the benefits of distance in a relationship and the chance to miss each other.
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Okay, so moving on.
The other side of distance.
And I talked a little bit about this, but I’d like to touch on this again: Distance can grow intimacy.
Because when we are together, when we are easily accessible to each other—especially in the early stages of a relationship—we have a tendency to spend a lot of time together and a lot of that time is…well let’s admit it…physical, right?
And while physical is really amazing—especially in kink and power exchange—and it’s super hot and sexy and ohhh it just gets your engines running and that NRE—new relationship energy for those that don’t know—those letters is through the roof, right?
When you have that, sometimes you miss out on the actual building blocks of a relationship.
The intimacy aspect of it…that NRE stuff, that shit is potent and the rush of hormones and chemicals that we get in the presence of our new shiny toy is a heady drug, right?
But when we spend our time together with our mouths full of body parts, we aren’t talking.
We aren’t exchanging information about each other.
We aren’t learning each other mentally and emotionally.
We are communicating physically, but we are not communicating as much. And so, sometimes being close to each other in person, we use sex to replace intimacy.
And we talked a little bit about that this morning in the sensual touch talk. That will be…the replay will be posted tomorrow at DatingKinky.com/kinkmas (expired) if you missed it or if you want to go over it again.
The idea that we want to rebuild or build intimacy in our relationships, that is not entirely sexually focused.
Because when we use sex to replace intimacy, we miss out on a lot of the deep conversations and getting to know each other and we start feeling like we know each other without really getting to know each other, right?
It’s a trap that’s easy to fall into and we often do, happily crazily in love and lust.
So, there also is a real benefit to the idea that sometimes getting away from each other and being excited to come back together again, the idea of being able to miss each other, right?
Like instead of being attached at the hip and going everywhere together and you know, creating all the same friends and you know, all the same experiences and so on so forth…
Any of you ever had a friend who as soon as they got a partner every single time they disappeared from your life for weeks on end, right?
Because they were just so attached to that person and then when it crumbled apart, you got you actually got to see them again like, “Hey, yeah, where you been? Oh yeah, you’ve been getting f*cked,” which don’t get me wrong,
I love prioritizing new relationship energy, but it can be overwhelmingly obsessive, and we end up spending all of this time with people and we miss out on the intimacy, the emotional closeness that comes from being apart and being excited to come back together.
While I’m writing this, I’m looking forward to my partner going to cycle the French Pyrenees without me.
By the time you read this, Not only will that have happened, but I’ll have celebrated an entire month for my birthday, taking August off of daily content creation.
But right now, I’m thinking how glorious those 10 days will be while he’s overseas.
Not because I don’t want to go to France—I always do.
Not because I won’t miss him—I always do, the moment he leaves me.
But because I love having our own lives and interests that we get to explore, and bring back to share with each other.
And because I love missing him.
And because it reminds me of when we didn’t live near each other, and the many many ways we created to stay close and connected.
And that’s a fun bit of nostalgia.
AND, when we are apart, we feel it keenly, and in that time, when we are not crowding each other’s lives, we are crowding each others hearts and minds, and many deep conversations and emotions are stirred—either while we are apart, or as we come back together, or both.
For me, there is a definite upside to finding/creating some distance in our relationship.
What are your thoughts?
Do you like to find ways to separate and come back together?
Do you enjoy missing each other?
Do you think it’s healthy to travel separately, or have other things that you like to do that your partner does not?