Poly Is Not Fair (Poly Is Not, Part XIV)

Polyamory Is Not... A Series

Oh, we do our best to even things out, but just as life is inherently unfair, so are polyamorous relationships.

Uh, yeah, so are monogamous relationships. However, practicing poly (or opening up to poly after monogamy) REALLY highlights the unfairness of it all and imbalances that can often seem easier to work with, when it’s just two of you.

For example:

In any partnership, there is usually one person who has the edge in attractiveness.

And I don’t just mean physically, although there is often that, too. I mean the whole attractiveness package:

  • looks
  • charm
  • sex appeal
  • popularity
  • presentation
  • sense of humor
  • sexual orientation
  • gender identity

And so on… Continue reading “Poly Is Not Fair (Poly Is Not, Part XIV)”

“All Men Want Is Sex!” But, Is That True?

Men Only Want Sex

Yes, I’m starting out with a gender stereotype, because it’s one I’ve heard over and over and over again.

And it’s not true. At least not for everyone, or maybe even a majority.

In the past week, the topic of men who need so much more than sex has hit me over the head. My Pet is stressed—life has kicked him in the balls. Some friends are fighting for their relationship. A man has come to me seeking advice on connecting. And more. Continue reading ““All Men Want Is Sex!” But, Is That True?”

How To Turn “No” Into “Hell Yeah!”

Hell Yeah!

No, this isn’t a piece about convincing people to have sex with you.

I think that’s gross.

It’s a piece about how to be happy with “No.”

In fact, it’s a piece about how “No” can be something you look forward to, second only to “Hell Yeah!” and sometimes a very very “Hell Yeah!” thing of it’s own.

You see, over the past month, I’ve been courting a new developer for my project. Someone who might come in and actually take some ownership. We’d gone back and forth on the deal, and when they were good with it, all that was left was to introduce them to the team.

We set up a lunch date a week later.

And, over that weekend, while I was traveling, I suddenly knew it wasn’t going to happen.

Continue reading “How To Turn “No” Into “Hell Yeah!””

Do You Love Them, Or Only Who They Are Now (For You)?

A couple looking to be in their 60s or 70s parking in a jalopy.

I read an article in the New York Times a year or so ago that suggested that in order to love someone for a long period of time, we need to embrace the fact that we will change—both of us.

It spoke to me, deep down inside, but I’ve put off writing about it over and over and over again… a full year’s cycle (4 times, at least), until now.

Just this morning, without having looked at my writing calendar for a week of travel, I was speaking with a man I’ve known online for years, and just met this past weekend for lunch while I was in DC.

We were talking about sexual orientation and behavior and how they don’t always match up.

He said, “Of course if I discover otherwise, so be it.”

He meant that he thinks of himself as straight, with desires to be used by anyone… but if he finds out that he’s bi (whatever his inner-mind version of that is), he’s good with that, too. Continue reading “Do You Love Them, Or Only Who They Are Now (For You)?”

Writing Prompt: The Best Revenge Is Not To Be Like That

An old black and white image with the words, "Revenge of the Virgins"

Last week, was “If Someone Shows You Who They Are, Believe Them”, and encourages letting people go if they walk away, and not putting on rose colored glasses.

Today’s prompt is mean to be the counterbalance to that point.

On facebook the other day, someone posted this question:

Would you accept a friend back who has walked away from you in your times of difficulty?

Of all the replies, mine was the only one that said, “Yes.” In fact, I said:

” Yes. Absolutely.

Everyone has a right to make choices for themselves.

And I like them for a reason. If I only liked them for their help and support, then I’m not much of a friend, am I?”

I was not surprised that I was the only one, though.

That question seems like there is only one right answer, and it’s an easy one.

But I don’t think it’s easy or simple. It’s not even as simple as what I wrote. I mean, it’s true. I do believe that I am friends with people for more than what they can do for me. I do believe that people need to make their own choices, and the choices are valid whether I agree with them or not.



And, here is the kicker: There are times I have had to walk away from someone in their times of difficulty. More than once.

  • Because I did not have the strength.
  • Because I did not have the heart.
  • Because I believed helping them through would do more damage in the long-term than their learning to stand on their own.
  • Because I was just tired.

In Meditations, Marcus Aurelius tells himself to “Avoid false friendship at all costs.”

I agree with this. I make it a point in my life.

And I also believe that to truly put this into perspective, I also feel that it’s important to look inward, and ask “When have I been false to my friends?”

He also suggests in Book Six, if you are sparring with someone and they hurt you, don’t yell at them or whine or hold it against them — just make a mental note about it and act accordingly in the future.

This rings true to me. I can still love them for the laughter and joy they bring to my life, knowing I can’t rely on them to bail me out of jail (if it comes to that). Because not all friends are (or can be) bail-out-of-jail or sitting-next-to-me-in-jail-giggling friends, and THAT’S OK!

And finally, in this particular vein, Marcus says this:

“What injures the hive, injures the bee. The best revenge is not to be like that.”

Meaning: When you hurt others, you hurt the group and you hurt yourself.

The Prompt

  • How many times have you turned friends down for help? Have you held similar situations against others, when you were the one in need?
  • When have you been a false friend and still accepted back?
  • When have you had to walk away?
  • How do you choose to “not be like that?”

Feel free to write in the comments or in your own journal and link here (so others can read it), or just think on it or write on it and keep it to yourself, if you prefer.

Write a sentence. Or a paragraph. Or an essay. Or whatever this is to you. Talk it out. Make it yours.


So, the image doesn’t really have anything to do with this blog post, but it came up when I searched for “revenge,” and I was too tickled to resist using it…

It’s Like Toilet Paper Bondage…

Just a roll of toilet paper on a white background, slightly unrolled.

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!

Behavior modification, that is.

It’s not like handcuffs or chains, where you do something once, and they are bound by your directive, until you free them.

It’s far more subtle.


Like restraining someone with toilet paper.

One layer of toilet paper wrapped around their body is real enough to feel, to KNOW, but not enough to hold them.

However, once you’ve put in enough layers (reinforcement) in enough ways (places), their reality is constrained to what you desire.

Behavior modification is like that. It’s not one and done.

It’s not something that is set into place, then sticks forever.

It takes tending. Cultivating. Encouraging. More and more layers.

It’s like toilet paper bondage.

A Conversation With A Judgy Man…

A very concerned-looking man in a judge's robe with a gavel in the foreground. Overlaid with the words "Judgy Man Is Judgy."
  • AJudgyMan† joined the group FetLife Announcements. about 1 year ago

† Name changed to protect whatever. You’ll see.

  • AJudgyMan changed his location to Raleigh, North Carolina, United States. 8 months ago
  • AJudgyMan changed his gender to male. 8 months ago
  • AJudgyMan changed his role to Sensualist. 8 months ago
  • AJudgyMan changed his sexual orientation to homoflexible. 8 months ago
  • AJudgyMan updated the about section on his profile. 8 months ago

“Just looking to see whats out there and who I vibe with.
Anonymity is imperative”

  • AJudgyMan changed his sexual orientation to heteroflexible. 7 months ago

THEN, he contacted me.

With no photo, no friends, no… well, you’ll see.

It was pretty banal for a few exchanges. Nothing to write home about, then, he asked:

“So, do you think 2 self proclaimed Dominants can get along?”

I replied:

I have a lot of dominant friends.

I have no desire to make everything into combat.

“Good cause neither do I, actually. theres fun teasing and play and theres some girls that hold a penis envy gotta prove something.

In the end, Im just looking for cool people, that know how to draw the line between the facade of all this kinky play. I have no need to want to control a woman out of the bedroom – but I do love dominant play in the bedroom, and sometimes out. But theres something definitely wrong with a person that wants to be controlled by another person out of the kinky play. So, I have nothing to say to a slave. theyre no fun – I need alittle resistence to keep things playful.”

I replied:

I’m sorry. You just said something that I find incredibly judgmental. Perhaps you could clarify:

“But theres something definitely wrong with a person that wants to be controlled by another person out of the kinky play.”

“The line gets crossed, for me, when you have someone that either wants to have their life, not just their kinky fun, completely controlled by another or they have some deep seeded need to control another’s life. 24/7 Doms, Slaves are something I understand but do not respect.

In the bedroom, thats fun, but thats where you separate the illusion of power this lifestyle allows and step into a twisted unhealthy psychological need that stems from some mental issues.

I dare you to try to argue that”

I replied:

I have no desire to argue it.

I am dominant inside the bedroom and out. My Pet and others look to me for more than sexual role play, and I enjoy that role.

I wish you the best of luck in everything you do.

“Funny cause a true dominant doesnt walk away like that – but anyone on here can play one.

Enjoy your writing

And if I offended you by the last “judgemental” remarks – youre probably exactly like the mentally ill people that take this lifestyle way too seriously, because they need to – in which case I feel sorry for you.”

Enjoy that feeling of superiority, oh creepy one. I’m too busy enjoying my amazing life to give a flying fuck.


Continue reading “A Conversation With A Judgy Man…”

Do You Plan To Love?

A Plan To Love

I’ve been accused more than once (in concept, if not in direct quote) of “sucking the magic out of life,” with my thinking, planning and examining.

Luckily, it was most often by people I had no intention of ever being a relationship with.

I have been in relationships with people who have been exasperated by my analytical nature, and my insistence that there be thought put into the relationships we build, as well.

For most people the thought of creating an intentional relationship is odd, at best.

In the world of kink, it’s maybe a bit less so. After all, most power exchange includes some negotiations, even contracts, to make things as clear as possible.

Communication is a clear priority for many of us.

I’ve also long said that marriage would be better if it were for a contracted period of time, and revisited every so often, to renew and renegotiate.

So, imagine my surprise and glee when I saw an article in the New York Times about relationship contracts and making love and cohabitation an intentional process.

(I’ll copy the text from the link into the comments below, for those who may want to read, but have already reached their limit of free NYT posts this month, or whatever it is they do.)

Because I do plan to love.

I create my relationships intentionally.

I do not require them to go in a specific direction, but whatever direction they go in, I make sure there is space and consideration for all three parties:

  • Myself
  • My partner
  • The relationship

All need to grow. All need time and effort. All need space set aside for them.

I feel it’s my role as a dominant to consider all of these in my caretaking.

I’ve done something similar to what’s discussed in this article since I left my own marriage with varying results.

For me, it’s worked out well.

For others, it’s a mixed bag. There are a lot of people out there who want to fall in love with a mind reader, and have everything easy, without much effort.

Which is their right.

It’s just not compatible with my preferences.

What about you?

Do you prefer to just fall in love as it comes your way, and only deal with things as they come up, or do you plan to love?

I’m somewhere in the middle, as I enjoy the possibilities and the spontaneity, but probably lean more towards planning than anything else.

how many ppl u sexd?


Really? THAT’s what you want to know? That’s your burning question? The one that comes before an introduction, some small talk?


And while that is heinous, the question in general is kind of gross, no matter what, in my view.

After all, why da fuck you care?

What possible bearing could that have on my relationship with you?

Let’s explore:

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with change how I look?

If so, you can judge how I look without knowing.

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with determine how capable I am of loving?

If so, you can determine whether I love you enough through my words and actions, rather than through my sexual history.

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with have anything to do with my skills in bed?

Well, then, when we get to that point, try me out, and we’ll see if we are compatible there.

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with suggest to you how I might feel “down there?”

If so, you can find that out when/if you are allowed to feel that.

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with give you an idea of how loyal I will be?

If so, find out by actually experiencing my loyalty.

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with give you and idea of your competition?

Sex is not a competition. Can’t you understand that if I’m with you, it’s because I want to be?

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with tell you whether I am a good person or not?

Can’t you decide that for yourself through other factors?

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with give you an idea of my STD/STI status?

You can find that out through asking me for my test results—even my test results history.

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with tell you whether you are likely to get sex with me?

No. It doesn’t.

And besides, it’s none of your gawddamned business.

Image: Mike Licht, CC2.0

Writing Prompt: If Someone Shows You Who They Are, Believe Them

A picture of Tyler Perry as Madea, with the words overlaid: Let Them Go!

I’ve written recently about intuition, and how to strengthen it, and since that posted, I’ve had discussion with quite a few people whose problem was not intuition.

It was ignoring the information that was just given to them. Stated. Shown.

I think we’ve all done it.

Probably more than once, until we learn the lesson.

But once we learn the lesson, we know, right? It’s clear. Someone says something about themselves, we believe them now.

But what if they’re lying?

Well, then do you want a relationship with a liar?

But what if they’re wrong?

Well, that’s what they believe about themselves, and they are going to try to live up to that (or down to it). What gives you the right to change them? What makes you think you CAN, when their own beliefs will get in the way?

Tyler Perry’s advice on this topic is spot-on, and it pops up in my FB feed every year or so.

The Prompt

  • When have you ignored what someone told you about themselves and regretted it?
  • Have you ever ignored what someone told you about themselves and been glad you did?
  • What have you told people about yourself that they ignored, then were surprised or angry when it proved to be true?

Feel free to write in the comments or in your own journal and link here (so others can read it), or just think on it or write on it and keep it to yourself, if you prefer.

Write a sentence. Or a paragraph. Or an essay. Or whatever this is to you. Talk it out. Make it yours.