Q. What Is The Difference Between A Garbanzo Bean And A Chickpea?

An illustration of a man with a monocle peering between a woman's legs looking for the clitoris.

A. I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face!

*guffaw*

Ok, ok, I’ve got another.

Q. What’s the difference between a man’s orgasm and a woman’s orgasm?

A. Scientists don’t question whether male orgasms exist.

*laughs, then… sighs*

Look, people, female pleasure has been around as long as male pleasure, and all of this confusion about how it works hurts EVERYONE.

If orgasm doesn’t exist outside of ejaculation, then women get the short end if they don’t squirt, and men never get to learn to experience multiples.

AND… what’s in it for those women who enjoy sex with men, if their pleasure is not a priority?

It’s sad.

To brighten it up, though, I found this fun little documentary on the clitoris that I wanted to share with you. It’s French, and subtitled, which somehow makes it even cuter to me, and the whimsical animation makes me smile.

Do You “Test” Potential Partners? If So, How?

An image of one man peering into another man's ear.

“Your inner ear looks just fine. Excellent. So, that means you pass with flying colors. I’d officially like to ask you on a date, now.”

I have spent a lot of time in the PUA (Pick Up Artists) community. and I’ve learned a lot from them about people, and what people believe about other people—some of it accurate, some of it incredibly inaccurate, and a lot of it situational.

PUAs “test” women for specific characteristics that are indicative of enjoying casual sex. Continue reading “Do You “Test” Potential Partners? If So, How?”

Musing On Mindgasms (Touch-Free Orgasms)

A vintage medical illustration of the brain in a human head, with a finger poking it, and a very enthusiastic "OH YEAH!" overlaid.

This has been a casual and not-so-casual study of mine for years.

In fact, I fully credit having a hypnotic mindgasm for unlocking my potential to achieve MANY multiples of orgasms.

One I truly understood the mind’s role in my pleasure, I was quick to explore ALL the limits, and they are MUCH further away than I ever thought!

Yay me!

And yay my partners for getting all that sexiness and also being a part of making it happen.

Over the years, I’ve collected some comments about mindgasms that illustrate some of the misconceptions about how the brain and the body work together in pleasure, and I wanted to post a few here as a collection to spur discussion.

Here goes.

No one has ever proved orgasm without physical sensation.

Oh. Jeez. Ummm.

Ever heard of wet dreams?

Or Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder

And the book, The Science of Orgasm

So, yeah. There’s proof.

But you know what’s ironic? It’s that something as physical as sex is almost completely dependent on the psychological. Why can’t we just get some natural lubrication (i.e. the wetness that flows from within), get a few strokes, and bam! We’re speaking in Japanese French with an Igbo accent. Why do we have to focus our minds?

Well, because everything we feel is ultimately felt through our minds. Someone may poke you with a sharp stick, but if your mind does not translate the nerve’s communications, you feel nada.

And our minds, much as we’d like them to be, are not the google of our body. We don’t just input a command like, “lubricate,” and have it delivered.

We want what we want, even when we don’t know we want it, and that complicates shit, sometimes.

But if it is true that 99% of our orgasm comes from our mind, then what the heck gives those men the right to say things like, “I gave you multiple orgasms …”? Next time a man says something like that, you should respond with, “No, you did not! I did 99% of the work. You only thrusted.” That would be pretty accurate, right?

Well, yes.

And no.

Your brain did all of the work, but your partner inspired it. And not just with their physicality, but with their smile, and their charm, and their love—which you responded to, right?

Or we’d all be perfectly happy sitting around masturbating all day.

And I’m not saying you’re not, or that that’s bad.

I’m saying that’s not how all of us get off.

Frankly, while I can get myself off in pretty powerful ways, adding in a person I like and want to do the sex with makes my orgasm MUCH more powerful. By a factor of 100x or more.

Partially because of the feels.

Partially because it’s not predictable.

Partially, because I don’t have to do all the work (DJing is hard on the carpal tunnel, yo).

ON the other hand, having worked out my mental “muscles,” I can get off easier and harder with people than I could when I left it all up to them.

Like having a physical trainer. Sure, they can take you through things you’ve never done before. However, if you have strength and flexiblity in other areas, it helps them help you get more out of it.

Same thing.

Even experts (at orgasming) can use partners to get even better.

And the one I found particularly funny: studies show that parts of a woman’s brain are deactivated during orgasm, especially those involved in emotion. Well, this must explain why after the orgasm we they get the “Oh, shit” feeling. It’s because after the orgasm, the parts of our your brain that were deactivated are now reactivated. All of a sudden, your emotions remember that the person you’re lying next to still hasn’t paid child support for your three children. I don’t know. That’s how I imagine it.

That’s not QUITE how it works.

During orgasms certain parts of the brain—mostly those related to fear and anxiety are shut down, and emotions are cut off. Logic is gone.

However, the key that the article is missing is that fear, logic and anxiety need to be shut off for orgasm to happen.

Or at least slowed.

So, that takes a decision at the beginning.

To trust.

At least for now.

Those who have practiced with their own minds have a sort of “shortcut” around all that, and can make it to the necessary relaxation faster.

So, if you can cum with your mind, can’t I just tell you to cum, and you do it? I don’t need to touch you at all.

Well, yes.

HOWEVER, if all you do is tell me to cum and don’t back up up with physical fun, I’ll get bored. After all, I can cum on my own, yah?

It’s all about mixing it up.

And SUCH a good reward…

One of the wonderful things about mindgasms is how they can be used to reinforce behavior modification goals when you are not in direct contact, or not in a place to stick your hand down your partner’s pants…

So, for example, you’re out, and they do something you love. Reward with a “Good ____, cum for me!”

They get immediate pleasure, and reward.

Later, you can follow-up with more physical pleasure and praise.

Or, with hypnotic command, set “pleasure” as an automated reward when they do something good for them (like work out), and you’re not around.

Then, of course, follow up with praise and more physical reward later.

But mindgasms are NOT just for behavior modification.

If you can cum from just your mind, doesn’t that expand your potential erogenous zones quite a bit?

I love having my nipples sucked. If I can turn the pleasure up in my mind, I can create orgasm. I’ve done that enough in the past, I can easily orgasm from having my nipples stimulated, and I don’t have to even think about it anymore. It’s automatic.

Or cumming hard while having intercourse, and being told to cum hard mentally as well? Doubling up on pleasure! Or multiplying it!

There are so many possibilities.

Every once in a while, I just have to write about this again, because it’s such an amazing possibility.

I’ve written about this before:

COC – Cum on Command – A Few Thoughts

I also teach a class on orgasms (and I love to travel! Invite me!):

Teaching N’ Stuff

Your thoughts?

What are your experiences with mindgasms?

Have you tried them?

Have they worked for you? In what circumstances?

Did they change your overall sensitivity/ability to orgasm?

For Every Woman Having Sex With A Man, There Is A Man Having Sex With A Woman

Men Only Want Sex

Therefore, “Women don’t have sex as much as men” is illogical. As is the idea that women don’t like sex as much as men.

I read on a debate I posted that the same 10% of men get all the women’s interest.

This sounds suspiciously like labeling certain men “Chads,” and saying women owe sex to men, but I digress… Continue reading “For Every Woman Having Sex With A Man, There Is A Man Having Sex With A Woman”