Dating Kinky
Built by kinksters for kinksters, poly, queer, trans folk, and anyone not-quite-vanilla—and it’s FREE.

No, don’t “Just trust your feelings,” that’s a most excellent way to fuck everything up.

But it’s a catchy tune, for sure.

On yesterday’s writing, @Rima asked:

My question is…how does one know if the shared goal is to strengthen the relationship? Simply by asking?

Well, asking is one step, sure.

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Actually, you can do whatever you want and makes you happy. It’s none of my business.

You see, I’ve written a bit about compromise in the past—to mixed results.

Some people just “get it,” or want to, because what I’m saying feels right.

Others, reject the idea in toto. They take offense at my way of relationshipping and my explaining it in writings, as if that means that their way is wrong.

Just like ethical non-monogamy is right for me right now, monogamy can be right for you—or not. Or swinging, slutting, or being totally alone…it’s none of my business what you and your potential partner(s) choose for your own life.

In the just over two years since I wrote, Fuck NO, I Will NOT Compromise!, I’ve discussed the idea with hundreds of people from many different angles, and I’ve refined my thoughts.

I’d like to present those to you, not to convince you—there will always be many ways of living love—but to show you one more of those many ways, and this one MAY be what some of you have been searching for.

Or not. Like I said, none of my business, really.

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And because if you’re anything like me, you now have that delirium-inducing whine in your head:

smiles

Last week, for the umpteenth time, someone said to me, “You’re more patient than I am.”

And I said, as I often do, “I’m Not Patient. I’m Curious.” I went on to explain that it doesn’t take patience for me to deal with people most of the time, because I have an insatiable curiosity for what people will say and do, how they think, what they desire, their beliefs and more.

And yet…

Something tugged at me, and made me do some research.

And I’ve been wrong all this time.

Well, at least partly so.

I am patient.

patient

2 : manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain

Merrium Webster

You see, when I say I’m not patient, I’m using this definition, which by it’s very words requires provocation or strain.

Rarely do the words people throw at me online (inspiring the “you’re so patient…” points) provoke me or strain me.

Because of the aforementioned curiosity.

And yet, there is this definition (admittedly, the FIRST one that came up when I decided to research patience):

patient

the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

Google Dictionary

And I have to admit, I am a patient person.

Or, as I like to say, “I’m not at a patient person, but I play one in real life.”

I don’t FEEL patient.

I want what I want NOW. I don’t want to wait.

My inner toddler is throwing themselves on the ground yelling and kicking and screaming about not getting her way IMMEDIATAMENTE (as they par-lay on Frawn-says).

Like, now.

RIGHT NOW.

But I don’t show that. Because it’s rude to act that way at 45 (nearly 46), and frankly, it won’t do me any damn good, and actually might hinder me getting there.

So I don’t.

And frankly, it’s not that hard. It’s second nature to me now to overrule my inner Veruca Salt and simply be calm and peaceful, and well, patient.

Which, honestly, I never really thought much about.

Because inside I don’t feel that way.

At all.

So, I don’t FEEL patient.

But on the outside, in my actions, in my behaviors, I’m cool as a cucumber. Or at least a slightly warmed summer peach.

I don’t flip my lid.

Not often.

Maybe 2x a year? I don’t know. It’s rare.

So, I guess I am patient. And I consider that a good thing.

However, the point I’ve been making all along is equally important. Perhaps more so.

When it comes to dealing with people, specifically, rather than cultivate patience, I find it easier to cultivate a lack of provocation and strain.

I rarely take it personally.

I am rarely offended.

I find people fascinating (even when I disagree with them or find their views repugnant).

And these things add up to not needing to exercise patience, but instead trying to connect with people more often in more ways, and experiencing their ideas and words and insights in ways I never could if I were provoked and strained and practiced patience.

So, I was wrong (and ya’ll were right).

And I was right (ya’ll weren’t wrong).

And I’m not only good with this, I’ve learned more about the world and how we all navigate it.

What are your thoughts?

How do you experience patience (if at all)?

Have you always been patient (or impatient)? Is it something that has changed for you over the years? How has it helped/harmed you?

One of the things I love about kink is all the amazing things we kinksters get up to. All the freaky shit we do. The ideas that flow out of our heads.

Today, I’d love to read some of that shit.

Big, small, crazy, weird, fun or learning experience, share it!

  • Finally checked off a fantasy bucket list item?
  • Created an amazing scene for someone?
  • Learned a new skill?
  • Started learning a new skill, and still suck at it, but happy anyway?
  • Do happy things for/with someone (including yourself)?

Let’s share our wonderful brags with each other.

Rules:

1. Share ANYTHING you’re proud of. Kink is wonderful. Non-Kink is also welcome. Links to projects, writing, photos, whatever are also welcome here. Self-promote, if you wanna.

2. Give someone else props for their amazing thing, if you can. Love comments, tell them how fuckballs fantastic they are, or, if they are doing something you are interested in, connect to share.

3. Negativity will be deleted. I don’t EVER do this, except here. I’m telling you now. Don’t be an asshole. If you aren’t wild about something, scroll by. If you think something is negative, let me know.

4. Take inspiration and RUN with it!