What Is YOUR Trap?

“My mind was attached to a specific image of what it meant to be manly. It invested its entire self-worth into preserving that image. My mind greatly undervalues my true worth.”


This hit me when I read it.

And it hit me again when that same person kept shutting down anyone offering suggestions on stepping outside those self-created boxes and really freeing themselves to be authentic—and eventually left the forums.

And I thought to myself, “What a trap he’s built for himself. And oh! How he’s caught fast.”

And yet.

Don’t we all have traps that we set for ourselves and for others?

  • What does it mean to be a woman?
  • What does it mean to be a dominant?
  • What does it mean to be an educator?
  • What does it mean to be bisexual?
  • What does it mean to be 45?
  • What does it mean to be Me?

These are some of the traps I could be (and probably am) constructing around myself at any given time.

I’d like to think I examine them and free myself semi-regularly from my entanglements, and all of you and your comments and discussions help me with that.

Thank you.

What are your traps?

How have you boxed yourself in? Have you defined your life or actions based on who you think you SHOULD be, perhaps more than who you are in any ways?

I’d love to hear your stories.

Men. Are. NOT. Trash!

The OP: Men. Are. Trash. (FetLife link.)

I disagree entirely.

Men are not trash.

Women are not trash.

PEOPLE are not trash.

There are people of every gender who do not have social skills. There are people of every gender that do not play by the rules. There are people of every gender who do shocking, horrible things.

I have actually found that especially online, most people (of all genders) are reduced.

Few put the effort in to be their genuine selves on the internet. The relative anonymity combined with the extra effort of being clear in written language (which is not most people’s wheelhouse), added to the basic awkwardness/anxiety most people feel interacting with other people (especially those they don’t know) gets the better of them.

Of me, sometimes, too.

To suggest it is because of their gender, well, that’s no better than saying it’s because of their sexual orientation or their race or their socioeconomic class.

And I’m pretty sure that people understand what I mean if I were to say that “Women are trash,” or that “Black people are trash,” or “Poor people are trash,” because, well, we KNOW it’s wrong to paint an entire group of people that only for sure have one thing in common (gender identity, race, bank account balance) with the exact same brush.

Because that’s misogynistic. Or racist. Or classist. Or… well, whatever.

And yet, we feel OK doing this to men.

Specifically cis-het white men, usually, but men in general. The reasoning is that they do this so often. They cause so much harm.

True, true. Of many.

And yet, that doesn’t make it right to do it back.

To defend yourself or someone else, or even an idea? Sure.

To go on the offensive with those who have done it (in your actual knowledge) or who are doing it now?

Fuck yeah.

But ALL of them?




I’m not OK with that.

Because while individuals are assholes, hatemongers, racists, misogynists, buttheads, fuck bois, twats, awkward, lame, manipulative, clueless…MEN are not.

People are not.

Dick Is Cheap

In January, I offered up the debate about which gender has the power, and Grafinya said:

“dick is cheap”

And she’s right.

It is.

Now YOUR dick might not be cheap.

Hell, none of mine are, since they are all medical grade silicone, and I am pretty choosey about where I put them and who I put them in.

But dick, as a basic commodity, is cheap.

Sure, some people may have a harder time getting dick than others.

Thing is, it’s not just cheap, it’s free. Offered regularly without really any effort on my part.

And I’m a fan of free and cheap. I love getting bargains. I love free stuff. I love thrifting.

I’m also a fan of Marie Kondo’s saying:

“Keep only those things that speak to your heart. Then take the plunge and discard all the rest. By doing this, you can reset your life and embark on a new lifestyle. The best way to choose what to keep and what to throw away is to take each item in one’s hand and ask: Does this spark joy?

And even free and cheap things (maybe especially free and cheap things) must spark joy.

Grafinya also said:

“A guy showing up offering nothing but dick is cheap. A guy offering good dick + a desire to please his partner, intelligent conversation, good social skills, common interest and life goals is expensive and hard to find. Or as Flannery O’Connor put it, A good MAN is hard to find.”

I might say, a good human with a dick sparks joy, whether free, cheap, or easy.

I ask you…

What are your priorities in the people you meet and spend time with?

What is cheap to you? Dick? Pussy? Flattery? Small talk? Dates?

What is dear to you? What sparks joy? Friendship? Connection? Thoughtfulness?

What makes something more than cheap to you?

My Top 6 Defenses Of The Chastity Cage

I’m not into chastity. Not my thing. I’m not a fan of chastity cages, either, for many reasons.

However, I do like to intellectually examine other viewpoints, and when someone asked me why an able bodied man would want to be placed in chastity and denied pleasure, I was thrilled to have the opportunity to think it through.

Using my own experience, the words of my Pet, and also having worked on several projects related to chastity over the years, here is the list I came up with:

Continue reading “My Top 6 Defenses Of The Chastity Cage”

The Night I Made Her Cum On The Living Room Floor Surrounded By People

Now, I’d planned a scene with a man (in the dominant role) and his girl (submissive — we’ll call her “S”). I was to be in a dominant role as well, and she has had an interest in me for a while.

Long story short, I was somewhat exhausted after a long day and teaching and many, many conversations and questions after teaching during the play party, and it was 1am, and the man we were to scene with was distracted by a bit of drama, and left both his girls (the one I was to play with and his other) in my care.

So, I figured I’d distract them.

Continue Reading

How I Poly…

A friend of mine is visiting, and this morning, we were talking about how poly groups come together because we poly folk want to sometimes be around and talk with people who aren’t monogamous.



Let me rephrase that.

Poly groups come together most often because they want people WHO THINK LIKE THEM.

In fact, one of the hallmarks of poly groups, like kink groups, religious groups, political groups, hell, even dog breed groups, is that people join them because they want to hear their own ideas and thoughts echoed back to them.

Because they want to be around people LIKE THEM.

And in poly groups, this means that depending on the makeup of the leadership and majority of members (or in-power cliques) the poly that is tacitly approved of is often a very specific form of poly that tsk-tsks at others for not being as “enlightened.”

Someone once wrote this:

“You guys would save yourselves a lot of time and trouble if you would say, ‘One of my tests of a woman is going to be to examine whether I am comfortable opening myself up to her emotionally. And I am going to sleep only with women who pass that test.’”

And this is pretty much how I poly, with few exceptions.

And I mentioned this this morning (in my own words without realizing that it was on my schedule to write today) in response to a discussion about poly people who get pissy about others in don’t-ask-don’t-tell relationships, or anyone who doesn’t want kitchen table poly, or solo poly people, or whatever…

And that’s OK.

Except that, the way I see it is that when you shame people for doing things their own way, the way that makes them happy, you are becoming the people you’re avoiding by creating such a group.

You are becoming the bullies.

So, while I like the way I poly, I don’t require it for anyone else. Not even those I relationship with, in most cases.

As long as what we do together works for us, I’m good.

What about you?

Love Is Dangerous When It Feels Scarce

Note that I said “feels scarce,” not “is scarce.”

That matters.

Because when someone is alone and does not feel a lack, love is not dangerous.

When someone is with many others, perhaps even beloved of them, but cannot feel that comfort, love is full of peril.

What are your thoughts on this?

I’m just musing today, and would love to read your thoughts on this topic.


Image by DarkWorkX from Pixabay

You Need To Have Power Before You Can Offer It To Me

What we do in kink is often called a power exchange.

And like most exchanges, you have to actually own what you’re offering regardless of which side of the slash you are on.

In my case, when you offer me your power, you have to show me that you own and fully understand the extent of the power you have and the value of what you are sharing with me.

I want you—nay, I need you—to KNOW all of your power, and still offer it to me. The more powerful you are, the more powerful your offer is.

Make no mistake: you ARE powerful.

Continue reading “You Need To Have Power Before You Can Offer It To Me”

PROOF Women are Smarter Than Men

The results have been published by James Flynn, a world-renowned expert in IQ testing, who believes the demands of the modern age are raising standards of intelligence.

He said: “In the last 100 years the IQ scores of both men and women have risen, but women’s have risen faster.

“This is a consequence of modernity. The complexity of the modern world is making our brains adapt and raising our IQ.” source

Except let’s look at what they don’t say.

They don’t say that the maximum difference is 1.5 points. With the average IQ of 100, that would, at best, make women 1.5% more intelligent.


They don’t mention that in five countries studied, one of the countries still had women trailing (by half a point).

They don’t say that James Flynn himself does not believe women are smarter than men.

In fact, he thinks that men and women are equal in intelligence and (as a result of experience) that women are better test-takers and focus better in test-taking situations, and men focus better in other areas.

They don’t mention that you can get wider margins by comparing races or people with different scoio-economic backgrounds (not just about money, but also about attitudes towards education) than you can by comparing gender.

They don’t mention that while IQ is a correlation to success, it is not a strong one, and your parent’s socioeconomic status + your IQ only counts for 14% of your potential future outcome.

So, yeah. There’s proof women are “smarter” than men, if an IQ test is the proof you need. She’s about $1.50 smarter, if you’re the man holding the $100 bill.


Now you can buy yourself a cola.

Here’s the thing:

I started this research because someone in my Women In Charge group on Facebook posted a thank you for adding them into the group and that they believe in Female Led Relationships (FLRs) because, “women are smarter.”

I said:

Please refrain from any sort of sexist language that would be unacceptable if turned around.
The group is not about superiority, but a chosen way of life.
I know many amazing male dominants, and women I would not put in charge of a goldfish.

The other thing to keep in mind that there is a wider range of difference comparing men to men than comparing the highest scored man (210) to the highest scored woman (228).

Also, MORE men score higher than women. Men overall have more variability in their scores, generally hitting higher highs and lower lows.

So, how about instead of worrying about who is smarter, based on a standardized scale and the plumbing they are born with, we interact as individuals?

Labels & How We Use Them

A week or so back, a friend of mine said to me:

“I hate labels. I don’t even know why we need them.”

I don’t hate labels, myself. I love them, and yet, I still see his point. They can be restricting and ‘not enough’ sometimes.

And there is also the issue of how we use labels, and the meanings and assumptions we attach to them.

A [comment posted today][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/5220988#comment_23772824] on a writing of mine states:

A lot of men who identify as a “dom” or “daddy” seem to project a great a sense of entitlement on this website. It’s as if they believe that that things like respect and authority are inherent in the persona they choose…and many seem to lose sight of the fact that they are communicating with actual people and not just other personas .

Who knows though…just a distant observation.

[And one posted yesterday][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/5655740#comment_23767582]:

To be clear … I do not ascribe to the term ” Dominant” I am a Dominant personality but I do not seek to Dominate people in the form most ascribe to.

You know by being narcissistic, egotistical, always right, dismissive of questioning and focused on making people ” Please me”

What I do is provide those tools I have gained through personal experience, to assist people in helping themselves in creating the person they themselves wish to be… regardless of their desire to ” Please me”.

Both of these commenters are not only using a dictionary or widely-accepted use for the label “dominant” or “dom,” but also including their own judgments, observations, and dare I say, experiences.

Which is what humans tend to do.

It does muck up the use of labels though.

On FetLife, I use the label ‘kinkster,’ because while I am a dominant personality, and a dominant in my D/s relationships, I am not YOUR dominant (unless I am, you know who you are), nor do I care to be pigeonholed in ways as mentioned above, or in other ways that [many mischaracterize dominants who identify/present as women.][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/4522756]

I’ve also been accused of “bait-switching,” when some poor, unsuspecting daddy dom perves my photos, sees kinkster and writes me with some variation of:

“On your knees. slut, and beg to receive my domly sausage.”

While totally missing the part of my profile that states:

“[I’m not a submissive.][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/5036505] Believe me, I’ve tried. I partner well with dominant personalities, and clash with domineering ones.’

Because those people believe that a label should be whatever they think it means, rather than (is the case of my use of kinkster), a way of simply saying that I’m open to many forms of play that the word “dominant” as a label does not really cover in most minds.

In my mind, of course, it covers anything I want to do.

But that is not at all the purpose of a label is it?

It’s to be specific. And informative.

Kinkster is as informative as I want to be with a single label on FetLife.

On [Dating Kinky][https://datingkinky.com], I use “dominant” as my primary label, and identify as:

  • Dominant
  • Top (although I’m not a service top, and sometimes don’t like the label at all for reasons)
  • Switch (T/B)
  • Bottom
  • Kinkster
  • Voyeur
  • Cuckoldress
  • Hedonist / Sensualist
  • Evolving
  • Exploring

For matching, because when meeting new people, I want to be able to connect in the facets that fit us.

How do you use labels on kink sites?

Do you describe yourself the same way in every kink environment? What label do you use? What does that mean to you?

If you use different labels depending on where you are, what determines your choice?

I’m curious about your thoughts on this subject.

More On Labels