Forgiving, In Order To Be Forgiven

A friend of mine sent me this writing prompt to ponder:

I think everyone agrees that it’s bad to hold onto past hurts, and bring them up in arguments years later. But how about if you flip it around?

I remember my dad telling me once, after my mother did something that annoyed him, that you don’t want to be too hard on your spouse, because some day you’re going to be the one in the wrong. It stuck with me. I always try to be gracious when people fuck things up (or even fuck me over) because I hope they will be gracious with me when the situation is flipped.

So my question for you, is are those things different? Is expecting someone to be forgiving because you were forgiving, different than hanging onto hurts from the past?

I reacted to this when I read it, but I wasn’t sure exactly what my reaction was, so I sat on it a bit.

And today, much sooner than I expected, I have an answer—or at least something I can start to answer with.

Yes, it is different, I believe. Not just because the immediate results are different, but because of the intention.

That said, there is a potential shadiness in this that I think my friend was catching on to that was likely not at all intended by his father.

It’s worth exploring.

To me, forgiving to be forgiven is a form of covert contract:

The I-was-so-forgiving-therefore-you-need-to-recognize form of covert contract.

UNLESS it’s spoken. Aloud. Clearly. And agreed to.

Let me explain.

I think we can all agree that buying someone dinner in the expectations that it will lead to sex without negotiating that is a covert contract and pretty gross.

In the same vein, so is forgiving someone now to use as a get out of jail free card in the future.

Both are trading something for something else without the agreement of both parties.

If we flip this, though, it’s OK: “I’m forgiving you, and really, barely even need to do that, because you’ve always been so understanding when I’ve made boneheaded moves…”

THAT is always OK.

But that is coming from a place of thanks and gratitude, rather than from a place of expectation.

Or, even, “I forgive you. I mean, I’ve done enough boneheaded shit in my life that I get it. I certainly hope that when I’m an idiot, you’ll also forgive me, deal?”

Which is a good option, but not a great one.

Because this may be a boneheaded move to you, but what you want forgiveness for in the future may feel like more than that, and you’re deposits into the forgiveness account may not be enough. If that happens, will you then be entitled? Or feel OK?

I can’t answer that for you. You may not be able to answer that for yourself, until it happens.

That’s why I suggest living a No Regrets philosophy, and choosing your actions at any time by what is right for you NOW, not what you hope to get out of your decision.

What are your thoughts?

I could be way off base here. I don’t think I am, obviously. However, I’m still testing this thought process, and I’m open to your thoughts and ideas about what I’m getting right (if anything) or wrong (also if anything).

Flirting Fail: Freckles

Him: Older, debonair-looking older artist man (Jeff Goldblum type-ish).

Me: Well, me.

The scene: Walking the grounds of the North Carolina Museum of Art, he is solicitous and charming.

Until…

He brushes his fingertips lightly along my shoulder, which is warm from the North Carolina sunshine. He says in a dreamy voice (which, BTW, is smooth and creamy-sounding like butterscotch), “Has anyone ever counted your freckles?”

It’s like the whole world was an LP, and the needle just screeched across it. I stopped. “No,” was all I had.

He continued on, encouraged, “You deserve to have your freckles counted one-by-one, cataloged and loved.”

It’s like my brain went blank. I didn’t understand English and I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying.

But that would be awful, wouldn’t it?

I have thousands of freckles on my left forearm alone.

How would anyone count them all?

Would I get potty breaks?

Would we need a marker to mark off which had been counted and loved until the next time?

What if it washed off?

Would we have to start all over again?

What kind of person would be that obsessive, and why would I want to invite them into my life?

That’s a hella lot of scrutiny.

I glanced over. He was smiling slightly, gazing intensely at me, giving off waves of oh-so-suave seduction.

Only, he was far less Jeff Goldblum now, and more this:

I shuddered.

WHY would he do that to me?

WHY would he make me think these things. He was…inoffensive…until that point.

LOL!

I tried to put those thoughts out of my mind, but I could never get over it. It went downhill from there through the rest of the walk and mid-afternoon lunch.

The worst part?

He was SHOCKED when I thanked him for his time (after paying my half of the bill), and told him I felt no connection.

And I still sometimes feel a dark cloud over me, as if someone is walking up behind me, and has started counting my freckles…

They Ask For Advice, Then Do The Opposite (EVERY Time)!

We all know these people.

For some, it seems like this is a hobby. Hopping from one dramatic train wreck to another, always looking for advice on how to fix something that they were advised not even a week ago not to do by everyone and their dogs to avoid like the bubonic plague.

Hell, my ex-husband used to accuse me of doing the opposite of what he said all the time.

In my view, that’s because he often gave bad advice, backed up with crappy logic. Once I realized that, I respected him less for it, and it was the beginning of the end.

But, to be fair, I also stopped asking.

I had a woman approach me privately from Whips Chains & Duct Tape, asking after information about whips and whip play.

I don’t know much about whips. I’ve never taken time to learn about them or to understand the skill, and they hold little appeal for me, so I put her in contact with a friend on the other side of the slash who enjoys them and knows quite a few people REALLY FUCKING skilled in using them.

She also asked me about this new relationship with the potential whip top that had so many red flags, that a green lawn covered in them would look like the flag of mother Russia.

And I said so.

She thanked me profusely, and said she’d reach out to my friend.

Continue reading “They Ask For Advice, Then Do The Opposite (EVERY Time)!”

Healthy Boundaries: The Line Between Need And Needy

While I was at COPE a couple a couple weeks back (I had an amazing time), I took a class from MasterSoAndSo (I can’t find him to link him on Fet, so I may have the spelling wrong) about communication.

In that class, the idea of need versus needy came up for discussion.

In my editorial calendar for today (this is what I call me loosely organized collection of writing prompts that I set for myself every weekday), I had the topic, “Need,” with a link and a reminder:

It feels like wanting one another is most important for a healthy relationship.

Then there’s “needing” each other. Not in an unhealthy way, but in points of bonding and purpose I suppose.

Like, I need for my partner to be communicative, otherwise, our relationship won’t survive…

So that’s the need for certain basic expectations to be met.

— by @IvoryVixen, from a comment on A Few Thoughts On Need… (FetLife link, requires login)

In the class, as we were discussing the idea of need versus needy, it seemed to boil down to how we handled it.

How we thought about the need internally and how we communicated the need or acted upon it externally.

Which, to me, took a bit of thought and unpacking.

To use an example from above, “I need for my partner to be communicative, otherwise, our relationship won’t survive.”

This, to me is a need. It’s clearly stated, and the point made is about why this is needed specifically from that partner, as opposed to something I can fulfill myself, by being a “whole” person (whatever that means).

Let’s dissect this:

  • I don’t need you to communicate with me.
  • IF we are desiring to create a relationship together, I can state with clarity that I need you to communicate with me clearly and effectively.
  • When this need is not met, I can say so and mention that it is a need for the relationship we are building together—or, another way of looking at it is that it is a need in service to a mutual desire.

This is a need in the healthy sense of a relationship. This is setting and holding healthy boundaries.

Other ways of thinking about this, or acting upon it:

When you don’t communicate with me, I feel bad (or I act badly).

In this case, this takes the need from a condition of a relationship or behavior into something that is s putting a personal responsibility onto the other partner (for how I feel or act) that they may not have agreed to.

You’re not communicating with me, which makes you a bad person.

This put MY need as a condition to their value or achievement as a human.

You don’t love me if you don’t communicate with me.

This takes my need for communication and uses it to dictate how another person feels (probably without their consent).

These three examples are all what I would consider needy behaviors. They are demanding and entitled, and blur the lines between who I am and who my partner is.

Need is NOT a bad thing.

I used to think it was. I was wrong.

I was mixing up needy behaviors and thought patterns with needs. And I still believe that those needy behaviors are detrimental to relationships, even when (especially when) I exhibit them.

Because they are not consensual and they are not fair. They are self-focused, and give little to no room for a partner to make mistakes or to think and feel differently.

They merge two people into a mish-mash of one “couplehood,” rather than respecting their healthy personal boundaries.

I need these things (not just these things, and not necessarily in this order) from a partner:

  • communication
  • admiration
  • desire
  • pleasure
  • laughter
  • comfort
  • all of this

And yadda yadda.

I can need desire, for example. I don’t believe I can demand it. Or command it. Or judge a person’s worth on their desire or lack of.

Because desire is my need. And it’s my responsibility to set my boundaries in a way that allows me to receive desire in a healthy way or to walk.

What are YOUR thoughts?

I’m not exactly sure that mine are solid, yet. This is something I’m thinking through.

  • What are your needs?
  • When do they cross the line into ‘needy’?
  • Are needs and needy even different ideas to you?
  • Have you experienced need and neediness from partners?
  • How do you experience personal needs and healthy boundaries intersecting?

I’m excited to read your perspectives on this.

*smiles*

A Look Into The Mind Of An Incel

A man I’ve counseled over the years in a masculine dominance forum that I volunteer (as a dominant woman’s perspective) for, posted this incredibly insightful self-assessment:

If a woman is NOT horny and ready-to-go, I assume there’s something wrong with her, and I have a tendency to judge her negatively in some way that she may have issues.

Or, I may experience self-hatred or shame and believe that I am not man enough in some way.

I tend to have a fixed mindset if a woman is not responsive to me.

This is a piercingly clear insight into the very heart of what makes the [Nice Guy][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/175154] mindset dysfunctional, and leads from Nice Guy-itis to total incel-itis.

NOTE: in the linked article about the [Nice Guy][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/175154], I also mention that this can apply to Nice Girls as well. Let me state now that I’m going to use NG to represent “Nice Guy” behavior in any all genders.

Also, If you’re not familiar with incels, here is a handy guide to the four ‘levels’ of inceldom: [image][https://miro.medium.com/max/1838/1H3a8OH1eVSIpXH5NteZFvw.jpeg]*

The first sentence is one side of an incel/NG—the side that has to look for fault in others to lay blame. Whether blame is even a factor or necessary.

The second sentence is the other side.

The self-loathing side.

The side of an incel/NG that holds their hurts and disappointments and eats at them like a cancer. The side where they internalize every negative word ever spoken to them and every negative thought they’ve ever had.

Even good things get fed into this side and interpreted through this dank filter.

And the last sentence is a key point: fixed mindset. It’s either or both of those things. There is no other explanation. There is no viable alternate viewpoint. No matter how harmful to themselves, they insist on these being the ONLY two options.

These few sentences show exactly how a lack of understanding of human nature and how to be successful romantically and sexually with others leads to incel/NG behaviors and beliefs.

And the sucky thing?

This creates a huge shitload of self-reinforcing trouble for the incel/NG, and it’s based on a false assumption that they can’t (or rather, won’t) let go.

Because no matter how much they may want and hate women/other humans, and no matter how much they may secretly despise themselves, it’s not nearly as bad as realizing they are wrong.

That they are wrong.

That they have been wrong.

Possibly for years.

Screwing things up, hurting themselves and others.

Wrong.

And so, they will double down, and continue in pain. Because that feels safer than learning to do and think differently.

At least they know what desperation and self-loathing feels like. They know they can handle that.

Being wrong, making change—that’s an unknown. It’s scary.

Scarier than where they are now.

NOTE: This man, after a year and a half, was asked to leave the forums. He would not, could not, let go of his toxic beliefs. And he was being disrespectful to others as he spiraled ever more out of control. Such a shame.

#NotAllCucks

Just wanted to share a few false “facts” many people think they know about cuckolds.

The ONLY thing all cuckolds have in common (according to me) is that they enjoy watching their partner be pleasures by another, and also are at least a little emotionally masochistic and enjoy the feelings of jealousy and sexual/emotional threat.

Not all cucks…

  • are bisexual.
  • are sissies.
  • enjoy chastity.
  • are bad in bed.
  • are sexless.
  • are white.
  • are…ahem…under-sized in the cock department.
  • are married.
  • love creampies.
  • are submissive.
  • are heterosexual.
  • enjoy humiliation.
  • love sloppy seconds.
  • have PE or ED issues.
  • are lackluster fuckers.

Some cuckolds might be all of these. Some may be a combination. Some may be only interested in watching their partners with others and enjoying the jealousy.

As a cuckoldress, and someone who teaches a cuckolding class, I run into these assumptions quite often.

What are the assumptions you run into about YOUR interests or roles?

What is your #NotAll___? What assumptions and stereotypes drive you batty, when people mention them?

Compersion Is Not A System Override (Poly Is Not, Part XX)

I wrote about compersion in this piece: Poly Is Not Compersion, and it resonated with a lot of folk.

I mentioned in that piece that compersion is not an antidote for jealousy.

It’s not.

Compersion is not a system override for other feelings.

Most people I know are perfectly capable of feeling joy in another’s happiness (compersion) and ALSO feeling jealousy or fear or a sick dread or anger or upset or depression.

Humans are complex creatures.

We are not one thing or another.

We are not 100% good at any given time or 100% bad.

Continue reading “Compersion Is Not A System Override (Poly Is Not, Part XX)”

I ONLY Say “No,” Because You Don’t Give Me Something Worth Saying “FUCK Yeah!” To.

I wrote in February about rejecting actions online, not YOU as a person. After all, I don’t know you as a person. i just know how you behave in your interactions with me.

@Grafinya said:

“women saying NO so often is simply because we aren’t being offered something worth saying yes to.”

THIS.

Exactly this.

Continue reading “I ONLY Say “No,” Because You Don’t Give Me Something Worth Saying “FUCK Yeah!” To.”

Specific Experiences People (SEP) Versus Wide Experiences People (WEP), And A Call For Experts

Specific Experiences People (SEP) MAY be new to kink.

Their experiences may be limited to online research, watching some porn, and/or using a few toys from the local adult store with a partner while tied up.

OR, SE people MAY be VERY EXPERIENCED in certain areas.

  • They’ve spent 27 years in a D/s relationship. They know the ins and outs of THAT relationship, and are totally bewildered by dating in this day and age, and the new consent culture.
  • They are well-known for their pick-up play and their topping skills, honed over a decade, while not having and maintaining healthy relationships.
  • They are veterans of the consent expected in swing relationships and events, while being new to kink standards for play and sexuality.
  • They may have had relationships that always focused on consent, and never went “off the reservation” into CNC (consensual nonconsent), so find that a bit bewildering and intimidating.

While Wide Experiences (WE) People may have tried MANY different things. Played in lots of the areas. Sure, still not all, but they have done hundreds of pick-up play sessions, maintained long-term healthy relationships (maybe even poly!), and have delved into the darkest corners of edge play and CNC.

OR, they may have LOTS of experiences, but shallowly. Never really diving deep into any of them.

Neither SEP nor WEP are inherently better.

Continue reading “Specific Experiences People (SEP) Versus Wide Experiences People (WEP), And A Call For Experts”