Please Don’t Ask Me About My Favorites…

I make a habit of spending 30 minutes each weekday learning something.

Or, at least reading outside of my usual interests, following interesting links, etc.

Today, I clicked on a link to [improve my communication][], and while most of it was quite good, I’d think, one thing really stood out for me.

Questions about specifics lead people to give you answers that are not generic.

Example: Don’t ask, “What was fun about your trip?” Instead, drill down and ask, “What was the single most fun moment of the trip?”

Oh, please no. Don’t ask me about:

  • Most fun
  • Favorite
  • Best ever
  • coolest thing

I may be a total freak of nature, but my brain doesn’t work like that.

Sure, I have a few glib answers to favorite movie (Blazing Saddles) and best album of all time (Bat Out of Hell), but even those don’t apply all of the time, because reasons.

And asking me my favorite is a good way to shut down a conversation.

My brain stops. Or doesn’t stop. It overloads, trying to compare so many amazing pieces of my life that I enjoy/love/adore for disparate reasons in different times of my life, to narrow it down to a sing unrevocable TRUTH.

And I get hung up.

Maybe it’s me.

Perhaps I need more RAM.

Or, perhaps I don’t filter things as well as others do. Like, even tiny pleasures suddenly crowd into my head when people ask me my favorite sexual experience ever.

  • Was it the first Bad Dragon play Pet and I did, and the discovery of ‘scaled for pleasure’ as a thing?
  • The 3-hour kinky threesome that left me aphasic?
  • The wild roll of a full night of it, starting with a hot tub in the snow?
  • The time I cried from overwhelming love as he moved in me?
  • That quick (and hard) ass fuck in front of a mirror?

How do I choose? I don’t. I can’t.

Instead, ask me what makes me feel filled up. Or what make me laugh during sex. Or what about different toys makes me love them (or not).

Oh, I know these are not as easy as “What is your favorite…” and I’m a tiny bit sorry about that. But not a lot.

After all, I’m giving you fair warning.

You Gotta Be You…Except When That’s Not Allowed

I’ve talked about being yourself a lot this past week. And how awesome you can be, and that I believe in you.

Well, apparently Facebook doesn’t.

Which, come to think of it, is probably not all that surprising to you. Or me.

But I’m gonna make my point anyway.

A local professor who is active in the community, well-known across the country in his specialty, is 100% ethical in his non-monogamy and open about it publicly, has been kicked off Facebook Dating (and Tinder—apparently they have some sort of mutuality thing) for being himself.

A message from Facebook: 

This dating profile goes against our community standards. [CLOSED]

Your access to Dating has been disabled.
Today at 2:18 PM
You can't use Dating because your dating profile goes against our Community Standards.

Probably for being poly.

He violated community standards, ya’ll.

For being 100% ethically open about his lifestyle.


On the other hand, that’s fair, right? Facebook has a right to run their Dating site for the target markets they want to reach.

Good thing we’re working hard here at Dating Kinky! smiles

Actually, while we are working on V3, I also have something I hope to announce next week, so keep an eye out.

It’s called DK QuickConnect, and it will be a bit of an experiment.

So, with that to keep you smiling and wondering through the weekend, I’ll close.

Thank you,


“Facebook Dating Would Reject Me, Too”

P.S. Facebook Dating? Yeah. I know. It’s a thing. I don’t know anyone who wants to use it, and frankly, it’s a bit creepy in my view. Here’s the scoop, in case you weren’t yet informed:

Are You A Lover Or A Hater?

Of course, the original is, “I’m a lover, not a fighter,” but online, there’s not much fighting. There is, however, a lot of hate.

Sniping hate, sent from mostly anonymous keyboards.

It’s part of what I’ve disliked about dating sites since the earliest days of dating sites.

And it seems totally counter-intuitive.

I mean, do people really think that the best way to connect with others is to be hateful? And even when it’s not someone you want to connect with, why even? Just to feel smugly superior?

Continue reading “Are You A Lover Or A Hater?”

There Are No Golden Year Anniversaries In Poly

When I was 11, I was walking with my friend Erica to my house, and I mentioned that John and Sam would be eating over that night.

She said, “Aren’t they ‘funny?'”

“Funny?” I was confused for a moment, and she did the limp wrist. “You mean gay?”


“Yeah, they are.”

“I don’t think I know any gay people.”

I was flabbergasted. “How can you not know gay people? They are everywhere!”

That was my first realization that not everyone lived the way I did.

About ten years ago, when I was talking with some friends about marriage equality, a friend of a friend piped up, and said, “Why would it even be worth it? There are not long-lasting gay relationships.”

I was reminded of that earlier this week when I saw this:

My Aunt Betty (Grandfather’s sister) lived with “Aunt Patty” until she died when I was 26. I visited them in California, played with their dogs, swam in their pool, lost on their Galaga video game, and went to Disneyland with them for the first time when I was 7.

They had been together for 15+ years at that point.

But, hey, no gay relationships last that long, right?

These are both cases of people not being able to imagine that others live the same kind of amazing, wonderful, fucked up complex lives that they do, but with different beliefs, orientations, and physical attributes.

And the same thing happened two days ago, when someone says, “There are no Golden Year anniversaries in poly.”

Except that that’s not provable, is it?

Since poly has been kept mostly on the DL for so long. Who knows who has been poly for their 50-year marriage, except those close to them (and maybe not even them)?

The bigger key is, though, who cares?

Does a 50 year marriage mean that your relationship is then somehow valid?

Does the 26 years that a poly couple I know spent together not matter for another 24? Is their joy and happiness together negated by their lack of longevity? Would it make a difference if they hadn’t met until they were in their 30s? Or if one of them was a widower?

What about two of my dear friends who’ve been together for more than 20 years and are not only poly, but active in the local kink community?

I’ll be sure to tell them their love doesn’t matters, because they have nearly 30 years to go before poly certification.

Some relationships are best not lasting 50 years.

And while relationship commitment can be measured by longevity, I don’t believe that is necessarily an indicator of quality.

I was with my ex-husband for 15 years. At the time, that was nearly half of my life. My relationship of 6+ years now is of a FAR higher quality than that was at it’s best.

If it ended tomorrow, that would still be true.

A Challenge

Can anyone prove that there are NO 50-year anniversaries between poly people?

Can anyone prove that there is at least one 50-year anniversary between poly people?

Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

You Gotta Be You: The Backlash

Last Friday, I sent out a message about how being yourself is the most important part of any kind of dating, but especially (of course) kinky dating.

I included a link to a writing I’d done about being yourself and being awesome, and I got a bit more feedback than I’d expected.

Some was…well, not very nice.

You see, the article said to “Be your awesome self,” and gave tips on how to be that.

Apparently, that’s elitist of me, because not everyone can be awesome, and I’m setting standards too high.


I’m floored.

Continue reading “You Gotta Be You: The Backlash”

Asking The Community: How Do We Define “A Predator?”

Yesterday, someone called a close friend of mine and accused me of being a predator.

While I believe I am the furthest thing from a predator (I have played with two newbies in 10 years, and I am never the sexual aggressor outside of my relationships—although I do flirt hard, it’s mostly hot air), I thought to myself:

  • What IS a predator in the community?
  • How do we separate a predator from shitty kink going wrong?
  • How do we judge ourselves and others when accusations are leveled, beyond a popularity contest?

I realized I don’t have a concrete answer.

I asked a group yesterday, and I got a few suggestions, and a feeling of “I know it when I see it.”

But is that enough?

Maybe it has to be. However, I think that as a community we can do better. We can collectively come up with some guidelines, red flags, maybe even some warnings that could help others identify.

And yes, there are always examples of people who meet a condition who are not predators. That’s going to require judgement.

But just as the DSM is not a single rule for a diagnoses, I’m guessing that predatory behavior will be a strong cluster of correlated symptoms that can lead to diagnoses, or at least greater care and watching.

Here are a few suggestions to start with:

  • Seeking out primarily newbies for play.
  • Refusing to go to public events. “Too much drama in the community.” or “I’m misunderstood.”
  • Ill intent.
  • Complaints at events and venues.
  • On multiple “don’t fly” lists for events and socials (I do know this is not something the average kinkster will know).
  • Patterns of problematic behavior.
  • Rapid cycling of partners.
  • Isolating partners/denying access to other kinksters.

AGAIN: I’ll state that these things can happen for a lot of reasons. Rapid cycling of partners can be someone who enjoy multiple casual and fleeting relationships, so using it as the ONLY criteria is a bit slut-shamey.

I’ll also note that predators come in all types. While we tend to think of the male dominant, I’ve known submissives, switches, baby-girls, and pets that I would say “I know it when I see it, and I see it,” about.

So, what makes a predator?

How could we as a community define and therefore spot them and warm about them better?

How could individuals rely less on “I’ll know it when I see it”?

I look forward to your thoughts and insights.

Image by Sarah Richter from Pixabay

Dear Poly Partner…

I need to get something off my chest.

I told you not to cancel with [YOUR OTHER PARTNER] because I never want to be resented for forcing your hand. Because I don’t want [YOUR OTHER PARTNER] to feel like I do when I get second place on a double booking.

Not because I don’t want to be put first on this very important occasion, or to be given the priority when an error is made. I do. Oh, god. I do.

That’s not my decision to make.

It’s yours. It will always be. I want you to do what you need to do.

Either way you choose, it will be tough on you. And I’m sorry for that. If you stick with [YOUR OTHER PARTNER] for that date, please don’t leave me hanging wondering what you’re thinking or how this might be fixed.

Two possible suggestions:

  1. I get [SPECIAL OCCASION DAY]. We do something special. I’m happy to offer such-and-such day(s) for you to make up for the change in plans with [YOUR OTHER PARTNER].
  2. [YOUR OTHER PARTNER] keeps [SPECIAL OCCASION DAY]. I get such-and-such day(s) and events together with you and we celebrate in [WAYS THAT WILL FILL ME UP].

Whatever you choose, I will be OK with. Because I know that double booking sucks for everyone, and I totally get that things can’t always work perfectly.

But maybe, we can work together and make it perfectly imperfect, and a time to remember, even if it’s not on [SPECIAL OCCASION DAY].

That will go a long way for me. That we get through this as a team, and communicate together, and it will help me heal.

I love you.

I love us.


Is Love Learned Or Innate?

“You have to love yourself before you can love others.”

“The truth is, you cannot love yourself unless you have been loved and are loved. The capacity to love cannot be built in isolation.”

There is truth in both of these statements. And there is a lot misleading in both of them as well.

I believe love is naturally occurring in humans and animals (and what I’ve read backs me up in this). Love for others. And it grows out of need and desire. From the moment we are born.

Our first self-love is modeled after how others love us. And if that’s shitty, then our love for ourselves is also probably shitty.

Continue reading “Is Love Learned Or Innate?”

YES! Your Fantasy IS Possible. Not Very Probable, Though.

CW: mentions rape play

Have you ever seen someone put in a gimp outfit or latex suit restrained to a bench and put out for anyone who wants to use them at a party. Just a free hole for anyone to fuck?

I just want to be naked serving a group of women, and used as they please.

I want to be the center of a train, and be fucked by at least 30 individuals.

I want to be tied to a tree naked and left exposed to the elements, while people stop by and torment my genitals.

And so on.

Do these things happen? Sure.

Will they happen to you? Probably not.

(Unless they already have. In which case, YOU are not who I’m talking to. You already know how all this works, or you totally lucked out.)

I have had hundreds approach me with scenarios like these. Sometimes they are the same-old, same-old.

Sometimes they are a bit more creative—like that first one up there, which came to me yesterday with perfect timing for today’s topic.

Of course I do know people who have been party favors.

Or who have been strapped to a bench and fucked, one person after another taking their turn.

Or who have been the center of a gang-bang.

Or abducted.

Or CNC in the form or r*pe play with strangers (to them).

I’ve even organized a few of these things.

The people in the spotlight are generally well-loved, well-known, and vouched for by people who are also well-loved, well-known and well-respected in the scene.

My Pet, for example, has been shared around at a women’s get-together with my friends. five of us, one of him. We “used” him as we chose. We love him, and enjoyed giving him that experience.

I’ve had hundreds of kinksters ask me to help fulfill fantasies like that.

Not a single one would I ever consider, because I don’t know them well enough, and could not recommend/guarantee them to my friends.

I can’t say how they would act.

I can’t be sure they are truthful.

I don’t know if they are “good” at what they offer.

I don’t know their health history.

In [A Tale Of Two Cocks][], I wrote about a 5’9″ Italian guy with a cheeky smile and a dad bod.

My favorite bullfriend, ever.

I’ve not only recommended him to others, I’ve facilitated their experiences. I’ve known him for five years, now, and I’ve set him up with friends, with acquaintances, gotten him his first (and second) three-some, and waxed poetic about his stamina, skill, and awesomeness to most anyone who will listen.

But only AFTER I had consistently good experiences with him over time.

AND, when those I recommended him to also had consistently good experiences.

Let me ask you this:

Would you really want to just “use” a random hole?

Sure, some would.

Many get nothing from that, and so it’s a very rare thing.

Now, there are places you can go. Adult arcades, for one. And you may get what you’re looking for.

Honestly, anyone whose done these can tell you it’s a mixed bag. Some nights run smoothly, others are a shit-show, and many can be just meh.

So, yes, it is possible.

Thing is, in any case, you will have to put in the effort.

And that makes a difference.

Everyone I know who has gotten their fantasies fulfilled have earned them with their friendship, their love, their service and etc.

Or, their huge tits or massive cock? Got one of those and a sense of adventure? You’re probability increases.


But for those who expect to offer their sexuality up on a platter for everyone else to do all the work?

Pretty damned unlikely.