Dating Kinky
Built by kinksters for kinksters, poly, queer, trans folk, and anyone not-quite-vanilla—and it’s FREE.

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!


“perceptual information is shaped by natural selection to reflect utility, not to depict reality.” (source)

Donald H. Hoffman, professor of cognitive science at the University of California, Irvine, suggests that not only do we all perceive reality differently, but that it’s natural and necessary that we do so.

A perspective of the world that keeps us alive is more important than one that is objectively accurate.

It’s been said that our minds build our worlds.

So, each of us has a world of our own making that we live in.

Our worlds are a story we tell ourselves every moment, based on our senses and our lived experiences.

How you see the world will likely be similar to how I see the world, and yet, different in some pretty critical ways.

I once turned a man down on OK Cupid, and he said, “But we have a 98% match. That means something.” I replied that humans share 98.8% of our DNA with chimpanzees, and that it’s the differences that matter.

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This writing is now available as a podcast episode!


This is a new series on red flags to watch out for when meeting and dating and connecting with others in kink and elsewhere.

What is a red flag?

Red Flags are called this because a red flag is a well-known warning of danger or a problem ahead, like difficult seas or perilous conditions in the road ahead. The idiom has been in use since the 1800s.

The red flag is not the danger itself.

It’s important to understand that.

An overreaction to a “No” is rarely itself going to be dangerous. At least not the first time. It’s just a warning that things may become perilous moving forward. Emotionally, physically.

And they may not.

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This writing is now available as a podcast episode!


Last week, a friend and I were talking about the frustration of someone saying in an argument, “I’m done talking about this,” and how it feels to be cut off without recourse.

Like there needs to be some sort of agreement in place when this happens, so it’s not quite so one-sided a “solution.”

I have a Conflict Resolution Protocol that I use often to good effect, and I’ve written about it.

But when I was talking with my friend last week, I realized that there’s another that is so natural to me that I forget it’s even a thing, sometimes.

My ex-husband and I got a LOT wrong. We did get a few things right. One thing was when one person “called” the argument (ended it for ANY reason), the other person got two minutes to speak their mind without any interruption.

The other was that the issue was always revisited within a 48-72 hour time frame, so that it didn’t fester.

It’s simple. And effective.

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This writing is now available as a podcast episode!


Someone said in response to one of my writings about polyamory:

But if you have trouble maintaining one relationship well, is the good idea to involve more people in that?

While polyamory is an exponential issue, it is not a direct extension of every problematic relationship you’ve ever had.

After all, it depends on WHY you are having trouble with one relationship, doesn’t it?

First, is it you? Or could it be your partner?

I’m a BIG fan of taking personal responsibility in relationships. Thing is, sometimes people are just assholes.

It is, however, my fault for choosing an asshole. But they, in that case, would be the primary issue.

Choosing someone else, maybe not an asshole, might lead to a better chance of relationship success—whatever that looks like for you.

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