A lot of daters, kinky or not, have experience mainly with low-level, shitty kinds of people. They don’t know what they want. They don’t understand the work relationships take. They don’t value your time or theirs. They don’t really “get” the potential depth of kink.

And one of the top questions I’m asked in regards to dating is:

How do I figure out which kinksters are the real deal?

How can I tell quickly if I should turn down the contact, or even full-out sprint away from the offer of connection?

Here is a simple answer that has worked well for me:

First, are they capable of leveraging what you can do for them?

If no, turn them down. It doesn’t matter how sweet they are, or how domly/subby their manner is.

If they aren’t in a position to really grow or do something with your relationship, don’t do the work. Execution is key, and it’s their half of the equation.

Second, do they understand kink and the purpose of it as you see it?

Don’t take on fixer-up-projects that think that your control/service/ass beating/etc or submission/service/bjs-on-demand. will fix everything wrong in their lives.

Choose people that understand the magic you can create together and want to put in the effort for real results.

Last – they must already be at least getting half-assed results on their own.

Like Livingstone said above, don’t take on people that don’t know what the fuck to do if it’s not all laid out for them. Don’t take on people who need it handed to them with a bow on it.

Instead, connect with people that are so determined and obsessed that despite not knowing what they are doing, they are doing it anyway. Trying it all out. Making it happen. Reaching people and connecting.

Because you have a chance to succeed with them. You are removing obstacles from a path that they will attack whether you help or not. But they would love the help, and are happy to get it, and make more of that connection.

It’s not your job to teach the basics of the game. Any adult can google that shit, spend time in FetLife groups, ask questions on Facebook and go to munches.

You don’t have to take that work on in a relationship.

It’s beneath you to try to teach someone who has no real interest in learning.

And it wastes your value to those crazy-hot-kinky fuckers who can actually create AMAZING results with what you have to offer.

That is your ideal partner. Someone who can stand and walk on their own, but can do it BETTER with you. Go find them instead of taking every random schlub who finds you and begs for help.

NOTE: Now, mentoring… that’s a different ball of wax, and has A LOT of value. That’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about your relationships and getting into ones where you BOTH take responsibility for who you are and what you learn to grow together.