You can work super hard and give everything you have…and lose.

You can work super hard and give everything you have…and lose.

Beyonce said that.

“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness. That is life.”

Captain Picard said that.

I’d like to add that it’s also possible to do nothing and still win. Or to get things wrong and still come out ahead.

Life is just like that.

What we do matters.

Luck also matters.

And we cannot rely on just one, or believe in just one, or we’ll go crazy. Literally.

Another thing I like to say is, The only thing we can control in life is ourselves, and that imperfectly.”

However, that is the best we have, so it’s where we have to begin.

Yesterday, in response to my question about how people write messages to strangers online, someone said:

“My compliments are sincere and not transactional. IE, I’ll feel good about the message regardless of any response I get.”

THIS is key.

Live your life putting in the effort and doing the right thing, regardless of whether luck favors you. Because when it comes down to it, you have to live with yourself, and feel good about who you are and the work (and play) you do.

Give compliments because you want to give compliments (see our YouTube video for that), not because you want something in return.

Be authentic because it’s right to be yourself, and because lying or pretending to be someone else will eventually get tiring.

And sure, if something is not working for you, look into ways to change.

Giving it my all…

When I was diagnosed as ASPD nearly 15 years ago, I realized that I would have a MUCH harder time connecting with others than average or “neurotypical” people. And that being myself without putting in any effort to change how I behaved would not help.

So, I stepped WAY out of my comfort zone and I started “learning how to human.”

And yes, I got results.

After years.

Because my first efforts were awkward and weird. Because I had no practice.

In one year, I had formed a clear picture of what I wanted. And in about 3 years, I started feeling real results. In five, I was feeling almost normal. And in ten years, I actually felt like I was getting better at this thing than the majority of people.

So, it was SLOW. I was 40 before I felt like I was as good as nearly everyone else in the world. And there were A LOT more failures than successes in the earlier years.

Giving no effort at all…

And I know the other side of things.

When I was younger I was gorgeous. Like drop-dead. I know, because I’ve looked back on some photos. Model beautiful. Not model-skinny, but slender and curvy and really really beautiful.

And I had no idea.

I actually didn’t care.

But what that did was draw people to me.

And I “won,” even though I put in zero effort. Or at least for a while. Because eventually, my ASPD would get in the way. And frankly, those people were not the ones I probably would have wanted in my life, anyway.

Because they were attracted by my looks, not my humanity.

And that still happens, even thought I’m not “all that” anymore. On Dating Apps. FetLife. Even walking down the street.

If I took that as a measure of success or an indicator of my value as a human, I’d be foolish.

Just like if I took a failure from effort as an indicator of the worthiness of that effort.

Overall, I’m saying that it’s fucking tough out there. To find love, to make it, to get what we want.

And it’s tough to live life on OUR terms and stick to our values and keep pursuing our dreams, when we feel shit all over.

But, it’s worth doing the best we can do. In everything. And acknowledging that sometimes our best can be improved through learning or different effort, or something.

What is your experience?

What have you put everything into, and still have not yet succeeded at—or not succeeded the way you hope?

And what have you had handed to you? What have you put little to no effort into, and yet, you’ve gotten it?

And, if you’re willing to dive with me a bit deeper: What of these things have you seen in others? And have you ever been mistaken about what effort others put in to get what they have gotten?

And one more: How does this apply to your kinky life?


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