Overwhelmingly, I hear it from all sorts of people who want a relationship to last, regardless of how happy or fulfilled they or the other person in a relationship might be.

Which is how we are socialized.

And it’s a shitty viewpoint.

(Prefer to listen to the podcast? https://datingkinky.com/pod/who-says )

I’d like to share an insightful soliloquy by @DapperDomo on twitter.

@Sheer__Opulence asked:

What wen wrong with marriage in this generation. Men dont trust women and women feel like they dont even need men anymore. What the fuck was the spark to all of this? 😭

@DapperDomo Replied:

Men have to now get women to like them and a lot of men aren’t likable.

Let’s be honest about the situation. How many generation of men in history have ever had to get women to like them in order to have women be with them?

We’re probably the first to ever have this. So nobody knows what to do.

We’re 2 generations removed from a woman not being able to have a bank account without a man.

3-4 removed from when they couldn’t buy a home, couldn’t work, couldn’t get educated, they couldn’t do shit without a man.

Women quite literally used to need a nigga. So they had to be with somebody regardless of if they liked the man or not.

Today they truthfully don’t. They can leave yo ass and be perfectly fine, hell some of them might be better off.

Your grandfather was probably a horrible husband.

Like at best he was probably emotionally distant and patriarchal.

Niggas used to have two whole families miles apart of each other and was emotionally abusive to both. That’s not flying today, & truthfully speaking it shouldn’t.

A lot of men want the same relationships they saw their families had but never thought to ask were the women happy in those situations.

The real answer is a lot of them weren’t.

So fast forward to today where a woman truthfully speaking don’t need yo ass. You gotta come harder than your ancestors. Gotta have some substance.

And there is a metric f*¢kton of truth in that.

And as a woman, I’m NOT just applying this ish to men. But to everyone. To me. To you.

To EVERYONE.

You want that good-good? What have YOU got that makes them want to give it to you?

Seriously.

Think about that for a moment.

Because this is how I live my nonmonogamous life: I believe the people in my life should be THRILLED to be here with me, and if they are not—FOR WHATEVER REASON—they should find something that does thrill them, fulfill them, and all the good stuff.

Because that’s how I am.

And no, I’m not talking about disposable culture. Don’t throw that up in my face, like so many of y’all do when you realize that you might not be providing people the incentive to stay in your life…

That’s not on me.

Here’s the thing, though: Thinking about things like this gives us POWER. The power to be exactly who we want to be, AND to give and take in our relationships as we choose.

And to have 100% HONEST relationships with others. Who want to be with us, not who are stuck with us because of society (see above), financial reasons, outdated notions of “forever, even if they are abusive,” or whatever.

I get it. It’s scary to realize that we will sometimes, no matter how hard we might try, not be enough.

But that’s true whether we know how this all works or not.

But when we know, we can take that step towards a successful relationship, which I define as “two people who get FAR more out of the relationship than they put in.” I often add, “No matter how much they put in.”

Many relationships do last today. And the ones that do, more of them are healthy and fulfilling for BOTH of the people involved.

And that’s a step in the right direction, in my view.

What are your thoughts?

First, do you agree?

Second, does this feel empowering or scary to you?

Third, have you ever had a relationship that you felt was successful by my standards? And if not, what might that mean to you?