I Teach That Communication Is Not The Words You Say, But Every Action, Every Moment Until The End of Time

Back in April, I wrote That ONE Thing You Didn’t Do, which sparked some good debate from both sides, in agreement and against.

After all, who hasn’t known the pain of giving something that was not at all appreciated, and who hasn’t also had people give them things they didn’t want, and say they were ungrateful?

I think we’ve all been in both pairs of shoes.

@UnicornHusbandry said something perfectly in a comment, that I’d like to share and expound upon.

It should be a lot more simple than it is. The issue seems almost childish. But it’s such a common problem in relationships, isn’t it?

What we give to another person, in time, affection or gifts, all indicates who we believe them to be. Do we see them as our property? Do we see them as our student or child who must be instructed? Do we see them as our parent who must offer us unlimited support and affection?

For example, big-scary-thing-in-life happens. How do you treat your partner?

  • Command them in what to do? (property)
  • Give them ideas and suggestions and teach them? (student or child)
  • Cower behind them and expect them to save us? (parent)
  • Offer support and say, “I know you’ve got this, and I’m here, always, if you need or want anything.” (capable adult)

How we engage with others communicates clearly how we view them.

Over time.

I wrote this in 2014: How Do I Say…?

It still guides my relationship with my Pet every moment.

It still guides me in my relationships throughout my life.

It’s a reminder that showing appreciation for those around me is not a once in a while thing, but an ongoing series of actions from now until the end of time.

Which written out like that, seems pretty heavy.

Like those ads that we see around Christmas about not getting a puppy as a present. A relationship may be a lifetime commitment—every moment of every day.

Of course, there are many relationships: friends, lovers, children, bosses, coworkers.

And we communicate with all of them with our actions.

And when we act unthinkingly with those around us, we communicate that we are not thinking of them.

When we treat people as we see them…

We may be communicating that we see them more clearly than anyone—or that we don’t see them at all.

Sure, there are days when I am distracted, and I don’t pay the people around me as much attention as they may want.

I’m human.

However, over time, my people know I’m here for them, in nearly anything, from needing an ear for a rant, to being the place they flee to when their latest relationship ends and they have no place to live that isn’t full of broken hearts.

And that’s what I want to communicate to them. So, I make sure I AM there for them, because that’s the best way to make that clear.

Seems simple, right?

Then why do we so often get it wrong?

The Arc Of An Online Relationship In 9 Hours

22 hours ago:

Thank you for accepting my friend request.

Did you write these books?

21 hours ago:

Hi there. I took a look at “Dating Kinky.” It’s a good web site. I own a marketing company, so I know good work when I see it. Nice work!

18 hours ago:

Thank you for accepting my friend request. I am looking forward to reading your kinky books.

14 hours ago:

Hi There. Do you ever come to Washington? I see on your profile you belong to a DC BDSM group.

Hi again. Do you still want to chat?

are you there?

13 hours ago:

I said you have a sexy tummy and cute panties

Hi There Again. Thank you for accepting my friend requests. I have had a look at your books. It’s a cool web site.

when is your next book coming out?

did you read my profile? You can learn some things about me there.

12 hours ago:

Hi. I give up. Good bye.

You can’t respond to this conversation because UserName has deactivated their account, you’ve blocked them, or they’ve blocked you.

These messages came in multiple threads over 9 hours. In the middle of a weekday.

Continue reading “The Arc Of An Online Relationship In 9 Hours”

Polyamory: Respect & Metamours—A Question

“How do you gain respect from those who are courting your partner? Kinda done being treated like a speed bump on the way to my spouse.

Asking an outside party because I am done bugging him about it.

Thanks.”

You don’t worry about it. They will or won’t, eventually. Although how they see your partner treat you matters.

It’s up to your partner to determine whether they are OK with people who don’t respect you being in their life.

And how your partner treats you.

Image by 1388843 from Pixabay

Oops! I Did It (Lied) Again!

You’re welcome for the earworm.

smiles

I don’t lie. Or, at least, I try not to. After all, I’ve been a liar in my life, and I’ve found that the truth, even when it sucks, leads me to living a better life.

So, when I lie, even unintentionally, I need to call myself on my bullshit.

That’s what I’m doing here.

My lie: I respond to every message I get.

It used to be true.

It still is my intention.

But it’s not the actual truth, and I know this because I have right now 280 social media messages I’ve not yet responded to.

One year ago, I cleared my inbox every day, and was horrified at the idea of having outstanding contacts.

I fell behind.

And this is WITH connecting with/answering dozens of people every day, I am still behind. And I’m struggling with the person I feel I am (answers my messages) and that reality (hasn’t answered 280 messages, probably 281 by now).

I’m not posting this with any sort of meta message. Or for pity or sympathy. Maybe for a bit of empathy…

Because we all know people who lie not because they mean to, but because they can’t keep up with their promises or because their hope is greater than their abilities.

Maybe you are one of us as well, sometimes, in some ways.

  • Maybe you promised to spend more time with your partner, but work is crushing you.
  • Maybe you told yourself that this time, this relationship would be different.
  • Maybe you assured someone that the work would get done on time.

So, I’mma be kind to myself and create a plan to tackle my lie.

Now that I’ve called me out on my bullshit.

If you have something you’re not doing or haven’t done that you said you would/could, feel free to join me.

Feel free to self-identify and share, if you’d like. Feel free to make a plan, and work it.

Or not.

This is really about me and what I have to do to live up to the me standards I set for myself.

Healthy Boundaries: Understanding Rejection

Last night, I was at the slosh with a friend of mine. We were talking with someone I’d just met about all manner of random shit, and the topic of my writing came up.

I mentioned that I’d written about this friend of mine. That I’d referred to him as my crush. I actually referred to our conversation, and said that I was “twitterpated.”

Touch Is Not My Love Language, But It Is My Core

Anyway, the conversation turned to how cute it was that I was crushing on my friend, and I played along saying that he was my crush, and that he’d broken my heart by dropping contact with me like a hot potato for reasons of his own, and there was some joshing about how OK with it I was.

So, when today’s topic popped up on my calendar, I was immediately reminded of that conversation.

You see, I enjoy crushing. Even when it’s not going to be returned. I enjoy the feelings of FEELING twitterpated, gobsmacked, smitten, love struck, keen, entranced and infatuated.

And sure, sometimes it’s with people who will never return the favor.

I’m OK with that.

As I said last night, it’s not about them, it’s about me, and enjoying who I am and what I like.

And really, I KNOW there are people out there who crush on me that I will not return the favor for. And so one.

AND, really, if I crushed only on people who conformed to my will, I’d not be crushing on THEM so much as crushing on their ability to give me things and feelings, which is kinda ick.

How does this have anything to do with healthy boundaries?

People with healthy boundaries enjoy and respect their own thoughts and feelings, and give themselves space to experience them.

This may be like in my example, loving the feelings of being bewitched by an amazing person. Or, it may be recognizing and honoring their anger or jealousy, and listening to what it’s telling them. It may be sitting quietly with their need for some time alone, even if they don’t know exactly why they need it.

Too Hard Boundaries In Rejection

In contrast, people with rigid boundaries will keep other at a distance to avoid feeling things that they don’t want to feel.

Like rejection. Or sadness. Or even happiness, because they know the “other shoe is gonna drop,” and they don’t want that in their lives.

You’ll see a lot of this online especially, by people who put a lot of time and effort into being mean and nasty for seemingly no reason. They’ve already decided it’s better to go on the offensive and keep people away than risk rejection and hurt.

Too Soft Boundaries In Rejection

And people with soft boundaries go the opposite way, and cleave to others, trying to avoid their own feelings and needs, so that they are not rejected by others for being themselves.

They tend to not speak up a lot with their own opinions, in fact, they mostly stay quiet, except in support/mimicry of the people whose approval they crave. They will give up their own time and space and needs for others over and over, and will eventually feel used and taken advantage of—even when they made those choices for themselves.

What are your thoughts?

Do you see yourself in any of these examples?

None of us are perfectly balanced in everything. We may find that we are mostly healthy with our boundaries, while still feeling a bit of “oof” from one of the imbalances. Maybe even both, sometimes.

What’s been your experience?

Image by Lisa Redfern from Pixabay

Sneaky Needs

He’s fucking sexy, this new guy. Reminds me of Warrick Brown from the original CSI (RAWR!), except instead of greenish grey eyes, his are bluish grey, and delightfully wicked.

We were having tea on Saturday. A spontaneous thing. I had some time, and I asked him (on Tinder) would he like to meet.

A bit more than two hours of conversation ensued.

And during that conversation, I asked him what he was looking for on Tinder (always a moment of truth), and I looked him in the eyes.

He looked away, looked back, laughed a bit (not nervously, more self-deprecatingly, as I interpreted it), and said:

“Well, I like to fuck.”

If my panties didn’t fall to the ground in that instant, it’s only because my jeans were in the way.

Not because of the fucking. After at least 90 minutes of discussing sex and kink and whatever came to mind, I “knew” him as a sexual being.

It was that he told his truth. Simply. Clearly. Without shame.

He said what he wanted, and he owned it.

Which makes it so much easier to respond to, negotiate, and fulfill. Or not.

I’ve written about Nice Guys/Girls (NGs) before, and covert contracts.

NGs’ real crime is not that they have needs, but that they are so afraid of their needs that they are super sneaky about them—even to themselves.

NGs try to force everyone to guess what they want in return for “being nice,” for listening, for that steak dinner—as if these things are commodities for trade, which is another thing they make us guess at—and thereby make themselves impossible to please, because no one is a mind reader.

And sure, I’m guessing saying that you’re on Tinder to fuck will get more than a few “Nos,” but the “Yeses” you get will be 100% authentic, because there is no guessing what’s up.

It’s right there, clear as day, and up for negotiation.

Which is sexy AF.

Anyone disagree?

The Myth Of Results—At Least Visible/Obvious Ones

Thinking In Bets, by Annie Duke is an amazing read.

Annie is a professional poker player. She’s won millions. And she wrote a book about how to make decisions when you don’t have all the facts.

The biggest take away I had from the book is the idea that the right decision will always lead to the right results is a myth.

Which, of course, we all know.

But, we don’t KNOW it, until we think about it. Like, really know it.

For some reasons, we are stubbornly addicted to the idea that the “right” decisions should get us the “right” results.

Which, as Duke points out, works in chess—a highly logical game with no elements of luck.

Not so much in poker, or in life, where there is luck aplenty.

And as in life, so in kink.

Today’s writing prompt was “Why put in the effort if it’s pointless?” I had a link to a comment that no longer exists on this writing: Hello FetLife Newbies!

While I don’t have the comment, I have experiences of that comment over the years from many people, and I have a pretty clear idea of what I meant to write about.

And it perfectly ties in with the myth of results.

You see, in that writing, I mentioned how to send a “cold” message to someone on FetLife. It takes a bit more effort than “hey wyd?” or copy-pasta. It’s designed to be genuine and make a connection beyond gasp sex.

I usually get two objections:

I only want sex.

Ohhhh-kay then. Keep on wit ya bad self. I got nuttin for you.

But why put in all that effort when I STILL don’t get many replies?

This is the one I’m writing about.

Let me give you a few reasons:

  1. Because those people who might be inclined to interact with strangers are MORE inclined to do so when it seems like the experience will be pleasant.
  2. You don’t get a shitty reputation of messaging every woman in a 100-mile radius the same thing (yes, we do share).
  3. Because it’s the right thing to do. Being a good person is it’s own reward. Just like being a jerk becomes a habit, so does being a genuinely awesome person.

That last bit, that’s important.

Like lifting weights, you probably won’t see results the next day (except negative ones, like stiffness or aching muscles), or event he next week, but over time, you will build your strength and functional ability.

It’s a cumulative process.

It’s the same with putting in effort, being kind and authentic, and striving to do what’s right, even without immediate results. Or, even with immediate negative results.

Face it, some people are going to reply with assholery no matter what you write. Some people aren’t going to reply (they may not even be online). Some people are not going to like you, even if you like them.

But it’s not about a 1:1 ratio of do-right-get-right.

After all, sometimes, you’re going to be the asshole having a bad day, and someone will do right for you and get shit in return, or ask for nothing.

And of course, this isn’t just about connecting with people by Fet message. It’s also about meeting kinky people at munches and sloshes and on other sites. It’s about offering to help out at events.

It’s also about walking down the street, working with people, and, of course, playing poker.

Confidentiality In Kink? How Do You Do It?

Someone recently asked in a comment about confidentiality in kink as related to professional mental health care:

I have never heard of confidentiality being discussed in kink as part of informed consent. Do you think there is a place for it? Just curious…

Professional confidentiality? No.

Casual confidentiality? Yes.

To go into detail, what is required of a professional is above and beyond what is required of casual interactions, especially those where confidentiality is not discussed or negotiated.

And, just as the legal system cannot force spouses to testify against each other, I would never expect anyone to withhold personal kink experiences and details from their friends or family, unless specifically discussed.

That said, I do not share information casually.

Continue reading “Confidentiality In Kink? How Do You Do It?”

On “Fighting” For My Sub…

A few years back, I wrote a piece, Trying To Steal My Sub, Cunt?, in which I wish said thief good luck in their efforts.

Several people responded that I maybe didn’t show my sub that I wanted them enough, because I refuse to fight for them, because I said, “And, frankly, if you do manage to steal them, I’ll thank you.”

One comment said this:

If they let me go without a fight, then I, too, am glad to be walking away.

There is a difference between fighting to keep a submissive through my actions TO THAT SUBMISSIVE, and fighting another dominant in any way.

I am very happy to say what I want, and do my best by my submissive.

THAT is my fight.

EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Continue reading “On “Fighting” For My Sub…”

Please Don’t Ask Me About My Favorites…

I make a habit of spending 30 minutes each weekday learning something.

Or, at least reading outside of my usual interests, following interesting links, etc.

Today, I clicked on a link to [improve my communication][https://www.cnbc.com/2017/03/02/the-3-minutes-it-takes-to-read-this-will-improve-your-conversations-forever.html], and while most of it was quite good, I’d think, one thing really stood out for me.

Questions about specifics lead people to give you answers that are not generic.

Example: Don’t ask, “What was fun about your trip?” Instead, drill down and ask, “What was the single most fun moment of the trip?”

Oh, please no. Don’t ask me about:

  • Most fun
  • Favorite
  • Best ever
  • coolest thing

I may be a total freak of nature, but my brain doesn’t work like that.

Sure, I have a few glib answers to favorite movie (Blazing Saddles) and best album of all time (Bat Out of Hell), but even those don’t apply all of the time, because reasons.

And asking me my favorite is a good way to shut down a conversation.

My brain stops. Or doesn’t stop. It overloads, trying to compare so many amazing pieces of my life that I enjoy/love/adore for disparate reasons in different times of my life, to narrow it down to a sing unrevocable TRUTH.

And I get hung up.

Maybe it’s me.

Perhaps I need more RAM.

Or, perhaps I don’t filter things as well as others do. Like, even tiny pleasures suddenly crowd into my head when people ask me my favorite sexual experience ever.

  • Was it the first Bad Dragon play Pet and I did, and the discovery of ‘scaled for pleasure’ as a thing?
  • The 3-hour kinky threesome that left me aphasic?
  • The wild roll of a full night of it, starting with a hot tub in the snow?
  • The time I cried from overwhelming love as he moved in me?
  • That quick (and hard) ass fuck in front of a mirror?

How do I choose? I don’t. I can’t.

Instead, ask me what makes me feel filled up. Or what make me laugh during sex. Or what about different toys makes me love them (or not).

Oh, I know these are not as easy as “What is your favorite…” and I’m a tiny bit sorry about that. But not a lot.

After all, I’m giving you fair warning.