I’m Writing About Anal Porn…

A Is For Anal

My new book, The Big Book of Ass, has a chapter titled, “Well, they do it in porn, don’t they?”

In this chapter, I talk about how even porn stars don’t do what they do without A LOT of prep and training (not to mention the “behind the scenes, between-takes stuff), and then days, even weeks of recovery after intense scenes.

Yesterday, I was approached by a man commenting about one of my pictures and posing a question to me:

“Ok so in this picture you have a cuck who I assume you never had sex with but let him worship your feet to some degree. You’re an absolute image, truly gorgeous and from what I can tell a high calibre domme and human being in general. This cuck would love to be inside you but he didn’t (again assuming), he only got your feet.”

“…the thought of being restricted to only be allowed a certain level of intimacy is seriously messing with my mind.”

“When you’re with a sub/cuck do you truly believe they are less than you? Not sure if I can handle the answer.”

I battle this every day on behalf of myself and on behalf of kink.

What you see in porn and online fantasy is GREAT, but it’s not real.

It’s no more real than Jackie Chan being ACTUALLY drunk in Drunken Master. It’s got the same basis in reality that Hans Solo or Jabba does.

Continue reading “I’m Writing About Anal Porn…”

Leggo My Ego!

Ego: If you start believing your own greatness...

If you start believing in your greatness, it is the death of your creativity.

MARINA ABRAMOVIC, The Economist, Sep. 15, 2010

A lot of comments over the past couple weeks on my writings have focused in on ego and how it gets in the way of being a good dominant.

Mostly.

The thing I see, though, is that ego gets in the way of being a good ANYTHING—in kink and out. Dominant, sub, parent, employee, basketball player, politician… the list goes on.

Ego is brittle shell of what we want to be seen as, placed before who we truly, authentically are, getting in the way of…

Ego gets in the way of communication when we believe that what we are saying MUST be clear, and therefore our partner is being willfully obtuse or just plain stupid.

Continue reading “Leggo My Ego!”

You’re Making Dominance HARDER For Yourself, You Know…

Stop Making Dominance Harder

Dominance is easy.

Dominance is natural.

It isn’t hard or stressful or a chore.

Well, if you’re a dominant, that’s how it should be. Unfortunately, I see a pattern in so many people who choose to self-identify as dominant. A pattern of making dominance more difficult than it is.

They make their job harder than it needs to by not gathering information about their partners. They challenge themselves to be a leader by blustering in and saying, “I have all the answers and I am going to call all the shots!”

They are trying to know it all without listening their subjects. They’re trying to have the perfect answer without even knowing what the question is.

Yes, a dominant leads and calls the shots, but the more you understand those you lead, the better and more consistent your decisions will be.

Why make your job more difficult?

A dominant leader is first and foremost (in my mind) an excellent observer and an attentive listener.

This is what makes a dominant best able to lead. To choose the right reward for behavior. To know which words make them squirm with lust and which cut them harshly in reprimand. To grok their deepest fantasies, and be able to bring them to life in your own style, to tie them to you for now or for forever.

None of this is possible if you don’t pay attention.

You can’t fake it.

In other words, quit trying to be right to your partner all the time.

Focus on understanding what is right for your partner, so you can’t help but embody that as part of your dominance.

A Tale Of Two Cocks

A Tale Of Two Cocks

I know these cocks. Two wonderful, amazing cocks. Each owns a perfectly average guy.

One cock, let’s call him S, owns a 5’9″ Italian guy with a cheeky smile and a dad bod.

The other cock, B, owns a wiry 6’1″ Latino man with a slouch, a shock of dark hair and a twinkle in his eye.

Their people are very different. S enjoys hiking all over the world, eschews carbs and alcohol (mostly), while B is a bit anti-social and loves nothing more than playing guitar, smoking “hippy lettuce,” and drinking vodka.

And both cocks LOVE sex.

Like, a lot.

S is about 7″ long, of average thickness, and can be a bit shy around more than one woman at a time (although he’s getting over that!).

B is 9″ long, about 7″ around, and gets hard when the fan blows him. Even in awkward situations.

Continue reading “A Tale Of Two Cocks”

Call Me Ishmael—I Mean Nookie—Please

Call Me Ishmael, I Mean Nookie

Whatever you call me will, in part, determine how I react to you.

This is important to me. I have a macro on my computer that I trigger every time someone writes to me and calls me “goddess,” “mistress,” “domina,” or the like.

I don’t like any of those, and certainly not from the mouths of strangers.

It goes like this:

Please don’t call me ____. I don’t own you, so I prefer not to be titled by you. Please call me Nookie, or Miss Nookie if you must use an honorific.
Thank you.

You can imagine how many people get confused by this or take offense.

Not my problem. Address me how I prefer to be addressed or I won’t respond.

Simple.

I had this conversation with a friend of mine on here, where he was asking about the opposite situation, where he might call me by my username (or rather, someone else), and they required him to use some sort of honorific, and how did I feel about that?

I responded that I think I have a right to say what I prefer to be called, and you have a right to decide whether you will call me that.

If someone wants you to call them Goddess, and you don’t want to, well, then, you have a right to ask for alternatives or remove yourself from their company.

You have a right to call me something I do not like and I have a right to leave your presence, not respond, or respond in a negative manner.

It’s obvious, right?

Which is why I suggest that when approaching people, it’s safest to start with their username, or whatever is written on their nametag, then, as soon as possible, ask, “And what would you like me to call you?”

And if they say, “Call me Ishmael,” then that’s the right thing to do.

A Labor Of Love & Kink: My New Book, Dating Kinky, Is FREE Oct 1-3, 2018

Dating Kinky: How to find the kinky love of your fantasies.

I first had the idea to write Dating Kinky about three years ago, before I started my kinky dating site, or even intended to create one. In fact, the site grew out of the book, even if the book took longer to reach completion.

And now, it’s here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07GMTCMBK

Live.

And free, today and tomorrow, through Amazon kindle.

YAY!

Super-YAY!

I really wanted to write a book that offers real, approachable, and actionable information on how to put yourself out there and meet kinky folk, poly people, fetishists and more—without making it sound like some sort of uber-secret society with special handshakes and a 117-point process for determining whether you are “TWOO” enough to get in.

Some of the things I cover:

  • Writing your profile
  • Picking your best pictures
  • Safety and privacy online
  • The first message
  • Community
  • Rejection (giving and getting)
  • And more…

I’ve put a lot into this book for the kinky community, and so have others.

Taylor J. Mace of http://www.feistyfoxfilms.com wrote a chapter on “Protocol Across The Miles.”

Protocol Across The Miles, by Taylor J. Mace, excerpt from Dating Kinky

Alex W. of  http://SexologyBae.com co-wrote “Don’t Believe Everything You Think,” about examining our assumptions and our attractions.

Beyond The First Date,” by Rebecca Blanton, author of “The Big Workbook for Submissives,” from http://loveletterstoaunicorn.com and https://www.fatchicksontop.com is an entire section about entering the kink community and making the most of it.

Luna Matatas of http://lunamatatas.com wrote “Five Things I Ask Potential Dominants Or Submissives Pre-Date,” an insightful guide to getting to know how people think their kink.

Other amazing people, like Ferns, Michael C., David Shade, and Franklin Veaux also contributed with their knowledge and presence in my life.

It’s been an amazing journey to get to this point, and I’m excited to share this with you.

I hope you’ll enjoy “Dating Kinky: How to find the kinky love of your fantasies.” and share it with others!

US Link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07GMTCMBK
UK Link: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07GMTCMBK
DE Link: https://www.amazon.de/dp/B07GMTCMBK
FR Link: https://www.amazon.fr/dp/B07GMTCMBK
ES Link: https://www.amazon.es/dp/B07GMTCMBK
IT Link: https://www.amazon.it/dp/B07GMTCMBK
NL LInk: https://www.amazon.nl/dp/B07GMTCMBK
JP Link: https://www.amazon.co.jp/dp/B07GMTCMBK
BR Link: https://www.amazon.com.br/dp/B07GMTCMBK
CA Link: https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B07GMTCMBK
MX Link: https://www.amazon.com.mx/dp/B07GMTCMBK
AU Link: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B07GMTCMBK

I Am Thankful For Consent Education

Teen Consent

I am thankful that our teens and young adults grew up with a different education on consent and what it means than I did.

I am thankful that they have watched Consent & Tea.

I am thankful that the understanding of how to get consent is ingrained into so many more of them than in my generation.

I am thankful that these are the people who will be making policy and law on this issue soon.

I am thankful for all of this.

And I am hopeful that this will mean fewer consent violations in the future, and that those will be taken more seriously and handled more compassionately.


My reference and inspiration: What Teens Think of the Kavanaugh Accusations

STDs/STIs: More Partners Does NOT Equal More Risk

STDs / STIs

There is a lot of misinformation going around about STDs/STIs, and one of the biggies is “the more sexual partners you have, the higher your risk of having something.”

It seems logical, right?

The more people you have sex with, the more likely you are to catch something.

Nope.

No.

Not at all.

That’s not how science works.

And to be clear, this isn’t what I was actually planning on writing about today. I was going to write about open relationships, and how Mayim Bialik got it all wrong in one video, then got it mostly right in another.

Mayim Bialik gets it wrong.

Mayim Bialik gets it right.

But, as I was reading comments on the second video, I saw quite a few focusing in on the title topic, and remembered a conversation I had on the same topic a while back, and was inspired.

How Risk Of STDs/STIs Works

The relevant statistics are not the number of people you have sex with, but the risk levels of the people you have sex with.

It’s basic disease vector science.

Let’s look at an example of a disease vector I intersected with earlier this year: In late January, early February, the flu was going around. I was quite ill, so I went to the doctor. He thought I might have the flu, but he also thought I might have had a quite severe respiratory infection that may require quarantine.

Now, the reason he thought I might have the flu is obvious: So many people near me in North Carolina had the flu, and I was a breathing human.

However, the reason he had me tested for that nasty respiratory infection was not because I was breathing around so many people in North Carolina, but because I had a 12-hour layout in the Middle East on my way back from Thailand (and naturally had to breathe once or twice while there), and that put me at risk.

The issue was not that I breathed (had sex) but that I breathed (had sex) with a high-risk group multiple times for a period of time, without taking precautions like a mask (condom, papers) that might have reduced my risk to almost nothing.

This is how disease vectors work.

It’s not how many people you breathe around (sleep with).

It’s how many people you breathe around (sleep with) that pose a risk.

AND, factors like personal immunity and health always play a factor as well.

Let’s look at two extreme examples…

First, the person who have had sex 100 times, but only protected sex with untouched virgins.

I’m not sure this person exists, truthfully. However, I’m making a point.

Second, the person who has monogamous unprotected sex with one person (ever) with syphilis.

Who’s more at risk of STDs/STIs?

Obviously, the second person.

(Unless the first person made out with someone with mono, shook hands and then touched their eye with someone who has a herpes outbreak and had just touched their genitals (perhaps in the washroom, without washing, slept on the same sheets as someone with crabs, or ate food carelessly prepared by someone with hepatitis, etc.)

And if that second person has sex multiple times with the same infected partner, their risk increases through multiple exposures.

Still, our faithful here is not 100% guaranteed to get syphilis, based on their having that sex, even multiple times. Some people have immunities and barriers that protect them in ways that are not yet fully understood by science.

Just as some people rarely get sick (I rarely do), and some get sick quite regularly.

So, to recap, it’s not the number of partners you have sex with, it’s how risky your sex is multiplied by their risk factors and so on.

And according to some, that is a HUGE risk, suggesting that even one male partner in his twenties can equal sex with 479,201 people. And that’s one partner.

The fearmongering crowd can be quite vocal.

As they say in finance…

“Past performance does not equal future results.”

Just as in investing, the number of people someone has slept with does not equal their history of STDs/STIs, nor does it suggest that they will continue that exact same rate into the future.

People change. Motivations change. Hormones and desires change.

So, in closing,

You have an absolute right to choose your own safety level for you.

Choosing your personal boundaries when it comes to the sex you have, how safe it is, and what sort of disclosure you want from your partner about current interactions and status is 100% OK.

Just don’t think you can beat actual diagnoses and science by simply totting up their bangs.

Dominants: To Influence, Be Influenced

To Influence, Be Influenced

“Oh great and powerful dominant, bestow upon me the blessing of your attention, the sunlight of your love, and the always-correctness of your counsel.”

If only! LOL!

Actually, I don’t know about y’all, but as a dominant I get first messages like that every day.

It’s not THAT great.

Because any dominant knows that’s not influence. That’s fetish delivery.

Continue reading “Dominants: To Influence, Be Influenced”

I Don’t _______ (With You).

Not With You

I have a list of things I don’t do. And I pull them out and use them when appropriate.

I don’t go offsite with people until I’ve met and connected with them.

I don’t have casual sex.

I don’t play outside of my relationships.

I don”t eat in chain restaurants.

And so on.

And these things are true. Well, mostly true. Like 99% true.

I’ve done them.

I do them.

It’s rare, though. And it takes the perfect situation or combination of factors to make them happen.

And if I say these things or something like it to you, it’s not gonna happen.

You pushed too hard, you gave a weird vibe. I’m not interested in being flexible, or doing that kink.

Because I don’t ____. Or, at least I don’t with you.