When They Lose Their Sh*t…

When They Lose Their Shit...

My ex-husband and I made a lot of mistakes. His BPD and alcoholism in the last 7 years created even more mistakes in an already young and dumb “starter” marriage.

However, in the beginning, we did something brilliantly.

When one person lost their shit, the other immediately set aside their own issues and focused in.

Because when someone goes into crisis mode, they need to be heard and seen. They need to feel like their partner is there for them, NOT simply waiting to retort with their own frustrations and anger.

“Oh yeah? Well, what about that time you ______? Huh?”

If you weren’t pissed enough about ‘that time they ______,’ to lose your shit before now, the moment after they lose theirs is NOT THE TIME.

Your time may come in the future.

It’s NOT NOW.

When your partner loses their shit, give them your attention and care.

It’s the best and easiest thing to do.

Deal with it.

Now.

Calmly.

With love.

Feeling pissy? Shut it.

Feeling hurt? Shut it.

Feeling spiteful? Fucking shut it.

Let them have their moment. Let them get it all out. Let them drain the festering boil, and be a REAL partner there with them while they do it.

Help them:

Partner 1 (in crisis): LOSES THEIR SHIT.
Partner 2 (immediate full attention): “Tell me more. I want to know.”

P1: “Tells more.”
P2: “This is what I’m hearing, [repeats it in their own words], is that right?”

P1: “Yes,” or “No.”
(make sure you’re getting it right)
P2: “Ok. Thank you. Is there more?”

P1: “Offers more.”
P2: “This is what I’m hearing, [repeats in their own words], is that right?”

P1: “Yes,” or “No.”
(make sure you’re getting it right)
P2: “Ok. Thank you. Is there more?”

(repeat as necessary)

P1: “No, that’s it.”
P2: “What can I do to help?”

Listen and do it. Or negotiate doing it. Or find others to help you do it. Or cuddle them, because some things can’t be fixed. Or accept that they KNOW it can’t be fixed, and they just needed to lose their shit and have you listen and be pissy for a while.

Or whatever.

If you’re upset or hurt (and let’s face it, if they are REALLY losing their shit and doing it at you, you probably will be, at least a little), it’s ok.

Still, shut it.

YOUR time comes later. I like to keep at least 24-48 hours between, if it’s urgent. A week or more if it’s not.

This still works for me. With or without others’ buy-in.

Generally, if someone in my life is upset, I give them this attention, utterly and totally. I set my hurts aside.

I want them to have their time and feel heard and seen and validated. I want to help if I can, and listen if that’s all I can offer.

This, to me, is being a dominant (whether I am THEIR dominant or not), is providing the safe space they need, and is honoring their place in my life.

It’s also being a friend, a lover, and a considerate and caring human.

AND… I’ve found that most people, when offered this kind of care, lose their shit far less frequently and far less spectacularly.

After all, it can be hard to really get a good scream going for terribly long at someone who is genuinely there for you, ready to listen, to see, and to help in any way they can.

Even when you’re spoiling for a fight.

It just is.

(Well, for most folks.)

And they often find it in themselves to begin offering this to others. Often without even realizing what they are doing. It just feels right to do so.

Because modeling loving behavior works in more ways than one.

Even when they lose their shit.

Image by SAFA TUNCEL from Pixabay

How Do I Dom Thee? Let Me Count The Ways…

How Do I Dom Thee?

I ruin your orgasms. Except when I take them for myself with joy.

I’m sweet and loving. Except when I’m cranky and snarky.

I am stern and demanding. Except for the times I give in to the puppy dog face because it makes me so happy to do so.

I will humiliate you and poke at your deepest insecurities. Except when I’m building you up and encouraging you.

I will hurt you and set your nerves on fire. Except for when I pleasure you or cuddle you.

I will wear six-inch stilettos and latex. Except when I prefer yoga pants and a tank top—or nothing at all.

I wrote a piece in 2014 that I use to close my communications class: How Do I Say…?. I revisited the idea in 2017 with One Cannot Not Communicate.

In kink, we talk a lot about communication and consent and protocol and sex and lots of other good things. I love it, and engage in these talks with abandon.

What we don’t talk about—in fact, what anyone ever anywhere rarely talks about—is non-active communication.

For some, this may call to mind numbers. 93%, 70%, 55% — All tied to how much of a role body language plays in our communication, versus the words we speak or our tone of voice.

That’s not entirely what I mean.

Although that’s part of it.

What I mean is that we communicate most often (93% of the time, maybe) without thinking about communicating.

I do most of my domination without thinking of being dominant. Submissives do most of their submission without thinking about submitting. Sportsballers do most of their sportsball without thinking about sportsballing.

AT THAT TIME.

Our conscious acts of communication, domination, submission, or sportballing the perfect play are the highlight reels, the ones we watch over and over in our minds when we get them right or wrong, either patting ourselves on the back or flogging ourselves for blowing it.

Those are what we mostly focus on.

But those don’t make up vast majority of our lives and communication, or even much of our lives and communication. Life is too full for most of us to be conscious and intentional all of the time.

And the rest of the time, we autopilot.

And THAT tells people who we really are, when they get to see that part of us over the long haul.

They get to see how we dominate.

They get to see how we submit.

They get to see how we sportsball.

They get to see how we love, how we care for our pets, how we treat waiters, how we listen to children (or don’t), how we appreciate the beauty of nature, care for our environment, care for ourselves…

Because who we are in our non-intentional time is the largest part of who we are. And it’s the largest part of who people experience of us.

How I dom thee is not the scene.

  • It’s the planning the scene, with attention to detail and questions asked, getting to know you.
  • It’s the greeting before the scene, and the many (or few) ways of putting you at ease.
  • It’s the headspace you are inspired to as the scene begins.
  • It is also the scene (1 hour? 3 hours?).
  • It’s the scene winding down, the small touches, the assurances, the sweet talk.
  • It’s the after care, and cuddling and closeness.
  • It’s the checking in the next day and the day after that. It’s the building of a friendship or relationship.
  • It’s the inclusion in my life, in my friends’ lives.

It’s so much more than the scene.

How I dom thee is simple.

It’s everything I do for you, to you, with you. It’s every word I say, every quirk of my lips into smile. It’s every time I touch your knee or cook for you. It’s small gifts and watching your favorite movie again for the umpteenth time.

It’s asking you if you need anything when I walk to the fridge. It’s giving you my attention when you speak. It’s listening to your advice and taking it into account. It’s sitting next to you quietly as you stress, and simply sharing my presence if you need me.

It’s everything I do right AND everything I do wrong and everything in between.

So, sure, I could tell you the many ways I dom thee… but what matters is the ways YOU experience my domming you.

How do I dom thee?

I’ll let you count the ways.

PSYCHOLAGNY: Orgasm Without Physical Stimulation

Psycholagny

I’ve been talking about this for 10+ years.

And for all that time, I’ve been challenged by those who believe it’s not possible.

And yet…

There’s a word for this. Because it exists. And it’s more common than you might think.

Musing On Mindgasms (Touch-Free Orgasms)

If you’ve not experienced this (whatever your gender), you may want to try it out. It’s a pretty amazing experience, and can improve your physical sex life as well in so many amazing ways.

Image by engin akyurt from Pixabay

An Analogy Of The Submissive As A Car…

An Analogy Of The Submissive As A Car...

I got this piece of drivel as part of a longer conversation with a submissive telling me that as a dominant, I’m DOIN’ IT RONG.

Here are my thoughts.

“With regard to restrictions, it is pretty well accepted that when someone owns something, say a car, that the owner may do what she wishes with her property.”

You’re right. In fact, I have often compared owning a submissive to having a car or a dog that I love and that I’m proud of, and that I enjoy sharing with the world.

Want to pet my dog? Please! He loves being petted and licking your face (I don’t let him lick mine), and feels so filled up and proud when you’re done.

Like my new convertible? Want to drive it? Do it! I love it, too, and the joy I get is reflected back on me in the joy you get.

But that’s not QUITE the same as “doing whatever I wish with my property.”

A Submissive As A Car

I may CHOOSE not to change my oil. However, that will not keep my vehicle in the optimal shape for me to continue to use for as long as I wish.

I could CHOOSE to let it fall into various stages of disrepair and use it up and throw it out (or park it in my front yard to rust for a few years), as well.

However, that doesn’t really benefit me.

If I neglect my car, it will break down on me when I need it.

Worse, it may fail, and hurt someone.

And a car cannot speak to me with reason, or emotional nuance.

So, No, A Submissive Is Not A Car

People are not cars, they are people.

And even poor treatment of a car results in consequences that any outsider could see and understand that the owner is not a good one.

  • Rust spots
  • Dark smoke
  • Rattling noises
  • Noxious Fumes

By suggesting that the dominant never take into account what the submissive partner wants and responds to for optimal living, you are suggesting abuse, pure and simple.

Which may be your thing.

It’s not mine.

For my submissives, or my cars.

Image by Lynn Greyling from Pixabay

Access To The Playground

Access To The Playground

Unlike the days of being “in the know,” and searching the classified section of The Village Voice to find like-minded kinky folk, kink is no longer invite-only.

Some bemoan this fact.

They enjoyed the exclusivity, the smugness associated with taking very specific steps to gain a title or recognition or entrée into “the lifestyle.”

And that’s OK.

I enjoy it far more now.

Continue reading “Access To The Playground”

Healthy Boundaries: You Can Never Have Too Many Friends

Too Many Friends?

Ummm. Yes, yes you can.

Just like in poly, there is a thing as friendship saturation, when you find yourself without time for everyone in your life. And you’re just not able to maintain self-care and your boundaries along with everyone else’s needs.

Also, there are people that we sometimes call friends who aren’t. Or aren’t anymore, even if they were at one point. And they step on our boundaries.

To suggest that “you can never have too many friends,” is suggesting that even low-value friends are worth the time and effort. I don’t agree.

I’ve said many times that a successful relationship is two people feeling like they get WAY more (like lots and lots more) out of the relationship than they put in.

Friendship is a relationship.

Friendship is giving within healthy boundaries and getting filled back up in return.

THAT is my standard.

So, yeah, you can have too many friends.

Image by rawpixel from Pixabay

High Context Consent VS Low Context Consent

High Context Consent VS Low Context Consent

Yesterday, I met this really cool guy. He’s a scientific comedian (THAT’S A THING!!) and communications educator to scientists. He teaches super-smart, super-technical people how to communicate outside their specialties in low-context language.


A couple weeks back, I was teaching a class on communication, and the subject of low context communication and high context communication came up.

In my own life, for example, low-context communication might be speaking to someone directly about their cock or dick. With Pet, I speak of ‘my toy,’ ‘my bon bon,’ and etc. We have shared context, so he always knows what I mean, while others in our surroundings do not.


A year or so ago, I read about a study of mastery, and the steps between beginner and master, and how to be successful in each level. The study had masters in their field create how-to rules and checklists for beginners.

With these checklists, the beginners grew, became more productive, and learned more about their field more quickly.

However, they then had the masters follow their own rules and checklist, and it was a disaster. They were slowed WAY down. Their productivity was diminished by a factor of 35% or more (depending on the fields and adherence).

Continue reading “High Context Consent VS Low Context Consent”

Emotional Vocabulary—Do you kilig, Bro?

Emotional Vocabulary—Do you kilig, Bro?

kilig
the jittery fluttering feeling as you talk to someone you fancy

When we speak, our vocabulary often gives people an impression of us, especially what our intelligence quotient, or IQ, might be.

When we feel a full range of emotions, we are exhibiting our emotional quotient, or EQ, might be.

In a conversation this morning, Selene mentioned somebody with “the emotional range of a teaspoon.” It made me laugh.

We all know people like this, who live life in a small handful of emotions:

  • Happiness
  • Anger
  • Sadness

The problem with this simplicity of feeling is that if you are not happy, then you are sad or angry. Boredom becomes sadness. Conflicted become angry.

There is no room for contentment, fulfillment, satisfaction, peacefulness…

There is also no clear distinction for joy, wonderment, ebullience, amazement, or bliss.

Anger is angry. Not peeved, or peckish, not frustrated or put-out. It’s also not ragey or furious or stormy.

And where might comfort, or compassion or meditative find their spot?

When everything becomes so simplistic, we actually live a less fulfilling life. We don’t even really get to EXPERIENCE the range of emotion, because we cannot describe it to ourselves and label those feeling, leaning into them.

And, even when we might experience them, we don’t have the opportunity to really embrace them and appreciate them. Like kilig. Now that you know there is a word for that, I bet you’ll recognize it when it comes around again.

The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows offers up words for things we never realized we had words for before, giving us a more layered look at life, like sonder or occhiolism.

Other languages bring us new concepts and ideas. Like Greek, and the types of love:

  • agape
  • eros
  • philia
  • philautia
  • storge
  • pragma
  • ludus
  • mania

Or check out this article on non-English words for emotions you never knew you had.

But, even within our own language, we have SO MANY options to choose from. Just check out this list (PDF): Ultimate List of Emotions

A Small Exercise

Pick an emotive word you rarely use, but that you have felt recently. Alternatively, pick a word that you love that you intend to identify in your life in the future.

Think about how feeling THAT word is different than a more simplistic word might be. How simply identifying the feeling differently gives you a more complex and accurate way to FEEL.

If you’re willing, share it (or several). smiles

I learned an emotion today that I plan to lean into:

Sukha (Sanskrit) – genuine lasting happiness independent of circumstances

What’s yours?

Image by Sol_Noblehart from Pixabay