A New Book On FLRs & FemDom!

I’m writing a book for FAD—Female Artists of Domination, my local FemDom group. ALL of the profits from this book are going to FAD, as a thank you for the many years (17 this September, right?) of amazing support and service they have given my local community.

Dating Kinky Presents: FLR, FemDom & Women In Charge: Finding, nurturing, and enjoying a woman-led lifestyle.

Here’s the cover as it’s designed right now:

Book cover: A tall boot in light grey with words over the top: 

Dating Kinky Presents: FLR, FemDom & Women In Charge: Finding, nurturing, and enjoying a woman-led lifestyle. 

by: The Members of FAD, NookieNotes & Company
Continue reading “A New Book On FLRs & FemDom!”

Lies Of Omission And Lies Of Temporary Truth

In 2016, I pissed a metric fuckton of kinksters off with this writing:

Why Lying Is Submissive Behavior

While people made some good points about why I’m wrong, I still stand by what I wrote, and continue to discuss it when it’s an appropriate topic for conversation.

I also posted it in the Masterful Lover forums I’ve been a member of since 2007, and today, a new member found it, and asked the following:

To what extent does the “circle of lies” fall, which IF I understand correctly, includes not volunteering information?

Which got me going about lies and types of lies and some thoughts I’d not yet put into words.

1. OF COURSE we don’t tell everyone everything all of the time. That would be ridiculous.

I’m a very open person. The opposite of many, in that I am willing to share about 80% of my life with anyone who asks, and that left over 20% of me is incredibly private.

Most people are more wary, and the opposite. Sharing 20% of surface or superficial details, and keeping that 80% back.

In either case, though, it’s the same situation: You share whatever level you feel comfortable with whomever has earned that level of sharing by also sharing with you and by receiving your shares in a way you feel appropriate.

AND, when you don’t feel it’s right to share, simply say, “I’m not ready to share that information right now,” or, “Nunya.”

Simple.

2. As I said in Lies of Omission…, it’s a lie when omit the full truth when you know it’s pertinent to the other person, and you do it to avoid consequences.

“I won’t tell ___ because it will upset them.” “If I say ___ it will start a fight.”

And so on.

These phrases and ones like them are justifications for lying.

To go back to the quote I love so much from David Shade (paraphrased a bit):

“Don’t act out of fear, and don’t fail to act out of fear.”

THIS is a simple guide.

Do you FEAR telling this truth? Then you’re in danger of being disingenuous and lying.

Are you comfortable with your truth and just not yet ready to share with that person, because they have not proven themselves, AND you are willing to say so if they ask?

Then you are being truthful AND setting healthy boundaries.

3. Are you SURE your truth is TRUE?

This is where we often get tripped up. Sometimes we lie as much when we are attempting to tell our truths as when we cover things up.

Because we don’t THINK.

Because in the heat of the moment, we say things we don’t mean.

Because we have a knee-jerk reaction to a threat to our ego.

Think of an argument, when you say hurtful things to another.

Do you WANT to hurt them? Maybe in the moment.

But is that your TRUTH? You’re hurting. Do you really want the person you love to hurt, too?

Probably not.

Then that’s not your TRUTH.

So, you’re lying—or at least not communicating your truth.

Not intentionally, I’m sure. Heat of the moment, just blurted it out, and all that.

But effectively.

And you’re damaging yourself. And your relationship. And setting up something that may never be undone.

So don’t lie in defense. Or in reaction. Or in spite.

Think on what you want to say, then say it clearly and with the kind of love/compassion you feel for others—and that you would want them to use with you on any touchy subject.


Just a few thoughts on a Saturday morning. smiles

What are you thoughts on these or any other types of lying or reasons to lie?

The Dominance Often Found In Submission

I identify as a dominant in my relationships. I switch in play from top to bottom, and everything in between.

I even enjoy the “submissive” (as they are called in ignorance) acts of bedroom play: dirty talk, hypnosis, etc. I love all these things from the top and the bottom. It’s incredibly sexy for me to be able to live the fullness of my life as a woman.

Outside the bedroom, I am in charge in my relationships.

And do you know who most often approaches me in a serious way asking about relationships_real, ongoing, long-term service relationships?

Dominants.

Men who identify as dominant.

Men who have lived decades in charge.

Men who have devoted their lives to being who they thought the people around them wanted them to be, expected them to be.

And who did it well.

Men who really, finally, definitely want to stop being inauthentic, and just be themselves.

I see as much sorrow in men being dominant to make others happy and to fulfill others’ dreams as I do in men submitting to please others.

And it’s not just men, of course.

I’ve seen over and over examples of people who have taken charge because their partners were not stepping up—not from a conscious decision or because it’s who they want to be…

My major relationship going on 6 years now, my Pet, is one of these people.

He has been in charge his whole life. He was thrust into that role. In work. In life.

He felt it was a facade, trying to please the people around him, make people happy.

And when he and I met (at a FemDom party), I KNEW he was not a submissive. Not like many others are. In fact, I figured he didn’t belong there. Was a lookie-loo.

Still, I gave him a chance.

Over the months that followed, I spoke to him about authenticity. I gave him tools. I gave him permission to explore ALL of who he is. His dominant side and his submissive self.

And boy, did he!

Now the joke is that the most dominant man some of my girlfriends know is my submissive.

And believe me, he has earned EVERY BIT of that.

My point is, I don’t care what you’re doing, who you are, what role you choose… to live a truly fulfilling life you have to be 100% authentic. THAT actually takes dominance in life, even when you pledge yourself to another in submission.

And if you think it’s weird, the idea of dominance in submission, think of the strong, dominant authentic men in the military, and how they are often subordinate to those they respect in the chain of command—you’ll get it.

Or think of an incredibly dominant and successful man putting himself under a sensei.

Or a celebrated knight to their monarch.

*Of course, if you believe in the dominance/submission continuum, this will make zero sense to you. Here’s another view: The Dominance / Submission Continuum Is An Incomplete Perspective

What are your thoughts?

Do you believe that dominance and submission are opposites or incompatible in a singular personality?

Do you believe that someone can be both dominant and submissive within one mind, based on the situation or on the people they interact with?

I look forward to your thoughts.

No, You Don’t Understand Me, And That’s OK

I have written multiple times about abuse in a relationship and recovering from it.

And when today’s topic popped up on my calendar, it instantly connected.

When I got married, I believed that my husband understood me.

This belief is what ultimately led me to being abused. I don’t have a history of it, it wasn’t a pattern for me. It was simply that I believed when he told me something, it was from a place of KNOWING me.

Which is funny, because looking back, I didn’t KNOW me.

  • I didn’t know that I’m an amazing person with a big heart.
  • I didn’t know that some people consider me beautiful.
  • I didn’t know that I had value as a person, versus what I could do on any given day.

But I figured if all of those things were true, he would see those things and reflect them back to me, because he KNEW me.

Just like I would look for and see what was amazing in him and reflect those things back at him.

Because, like a mirror reflection, he was “my other half.”

Or, that’s what I believed.

Continue reading “No, You Don’t Understand Me, And That’s OK”

Consent isn’t actually the key.

So I had a revelation the other day in chatting with a fella looking to delve into this thing that we do after a long absence.

We were talking about BDSM and kink theory.

I always try to get a feeling for a potential play partners points of reference, what about all of this is drawing you in? What part of it feeds you and what part of you do you want it to feed.

And I had this moment where we were talking about the importance of consent, when it struck me.

We talk about consent like it is the holy grail of kink.

And it is.
But it also isn’t.

Because there are an awful lot of consenting adults on this site that are unhappy, unfulfilled, lost, damaged or in bad relationships.

Have they consented to the play? I’m going to say here that has to be mostly a yes.

Are they getting what they bargained for? In many cases no.

Because intent, and ethical conduct, and self awareness are as important as consent.

Some “Dominants” enter into kink relationships because they like power and it feeds their ego or their sense of superiority (Or contradicts the sense of inferiority they battle), or frankly for easy sex and pretty girls and boys following they’re every command.

Some submissives /bottoms enter kink looking for a place to belong, a place of safety, a place of escape: from reality or from responsibility.

I don’t think that “most” people, on either side of the equation, are deliberately seeking to hurt or disappoint anyone.

Its easy to get caught up in play and end up in an mental or emotional mine field.

It’s easy to want a slave to humiliate and obey and forget that there is a vulnerable human being at the end of that leash. Its easy to let someone snap on the leash hoping he’ll save you or protect you and own you without realizing that those words mean totally different things to each of you.

Many people don’t examine what parts of this feed them and why.

Exactly what their words mean and what needs are being exposed.

Are you looking for a plaything? Someone to manipulate and control and toy with their emotions and self-worth? Maybe you are, and maybe that’s ok. But its not ok if you were manipulative emotionally and preyed on other vulnerabilities and needs to get said plaything to agree to your terms.

Were you truly honest about what this role means to you? What this journey means to you? What this PERSON means to you? Do they mean anything or are you just practicing your flogging with live bait?

Did you set up unrealistic expectations?

Are you truly looking to benefit your playpartner /submissive /slave /top /bottom /Master /Dom /Daddy… or are you just looking for the fastest path to scratch your itch?

There are many itches: Ego, masochism, sex, control… Are you qualified to break this person down? Are you willing and able and qualified to build them back up again if you do? Are you willing to take that time, energy and commitment?

Because consent isn’t everything. Consent is nothing without honor, integrity and self awareness.


Written and contributed by CatMaverick (FetLife Link).
Cat Maverick is a kinky, poly, leather, hedonist. Basically a libtard feminist trying to make the world a better place.

So, What Are You Into?

Do you ____?
What do you like to do?
Do you enjoy ____?

I wrote a profile for a reason.

If you approach me without any mention of ANYTHING I’m interested in and then ask me, “So, what are you into?”, I’ll answer with something like:

“My profile is pretty detailed. Perhaps you’d like to ask me something more specific?”

Because frankly, if you are approaching me ONLY for a specific interest, then you are most likely not approaching me at all, but instead a possible wank fantasy, and that’s not what I’m on FetLife for.

If you are, that’s cool.

You’ve just self-disqualified from my interest list, before even really being on it.

I’ve written about similar things before, and someone said:

“I’ve gotten way too many negative reactions when a person’s profile says one thing but they want another thing. So even though some may find it annoying, I try to be polite as possible and not assume what people are interested in.”

This is two things:

1. It’s a convenient excuse to do whatever you want. So. Go on with your bad self, determining someone is likely a liar even before you interact with them is SURE to make for a good relationship beginning (whatever that relationship ultimately becomes).

2. It’s not even attempting to connect with people as they have stated they want to be connected with. Which is lazy or dismissive, or any one of a number of other things.

Again, your right to do whatever.

Just know that those of us who actually write profiles do it for a reason. And ignoring that fact will likely lose you even the opportunity to discover whether we might be into what we’re into with you.

Communication Is NOT The Most Important Part Of A Relationship—Kinky Or Otherwise

And this is coming from someone who teaches communication classes.

So, what’s the most important thing in a relationship?

Appreciating your partner. Truly. Deeply. Wonderfully.

Appreciate who they are as people.

Appreciate what they do for you.

Appreciate their character and drive.

Appreciate their quirks and foibles.

Because without that appreciation, you will run into communication killers—those things that will make your conversations into arguments and your collaborations into battles.

You’ll lose the benefit of the doubt to get you through stressful times, hurtful times.

You’ll try to make them over or run their lives or create rules like you might for a child, and well, that rarely goes over well.

And it shouldn’t.

And it’s not just appreciation for your partner.

You must have appreciation for you. Because unless you feel strength and contribution and the ability to make good choices, you will have a hard time truly appreciating your partner.

Because you won’t be sure you picked the right one. And doubts will eat at you and erode what you’d built.

And you won’t trust.

And communication (which IS critically important) won’t happen.

Image by Ryan McGuire from Pixabay

How I Planned My First Orgy

My first. My Pet’s first.

For his birthday. My gift to him. I’d never had an orgy, much less planned one, but I put my organization skills to the task and pulled it off. Here’s how I did it.

The Players:

Me, W (obviously, LOL!) – Organizer
Pet, M – Guest of Honor/Birthday boy, bi

M1 – Black friend/stud, Straight-ish
M2 – Geeky friend with big cock, bi

W1 – Friend, sweet, cute, mostly lesbian
W2 – Friend, hot, sexy, dominant, mostly lesbian, somewhat flexible
W3 – Friend, beautiful, bi
W4 – Friend, beautiful, submissive, bi (the girl I’ve played with and dirty talked through mental orgasms)
W5 – Young lady, sweet, beautiful, bi

6 women, all somewhat flexible.
3 men, two flexible, the other flexible-ish.

That was a VERY good combination, and allowed for many different types of play.

The Set-Up:

I emailed everyone, asking for:

  • Name (or nickname)/how they want to be introduced.
  • What gender do they feel comfortable being approached by, sexually: men/women/both
  • Personal limits
  • Safety preferences
  • STD test results (if they wanted to share)
  • Additional notes

I made sure they all got back to me by 15 days before the event. I collected the info, and forwarded it, to introduce everyone, and give them links to our kinky profiles, so they could get to know each other better.

Continue reading “How I Planned My First Orgy”

What Is Strength?

In a comment on [my blog] on one of my writing earlier this week, I was asked:

“I hear all the time and see it everywhere on social media. What exactly is a strong woman? what makes a woman strong?”

This hit a bit of a button with me.

I wrote about [The Lie Of “But You Are So Strong…”][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/4688824] in October, 2017. I ranted a bit about how frustrating it was to listen to people I love give up on themselves and their situations because they weren’t as “strong” as me.

So, I have opinions about what strength is, and what people mean by this when they say it.

In any gender. Although there are differences in how traditionally masculine-presenting people are treated versus feminine-presenting folx, and I’ll mention that.

When they say “strong,” they often mean unemotional.

Well, for the masculine sorts. For the feminine, they often mean “more like the masculine sorts.”

They don’t see a break down where they think a breakdown should be, or would be, were it them. So, it must be because of strength.

The challenge with this is that sometimes takes a stronger person to share that emotion and be vulnerable. Also, maybe there is no visible emotion because while for the beholder it’s a deeply touching topic, but the “strong” person is experiencing it differently.

Or, like I did when @selene73 and I were in a hit and run that totaled my car on a Friday night at about 11pm, I simply dealt with what I had to deal with over the weekend, and waited until Monday morning to break down, when I felt like I had the time and space to let it all out.

Is that strength?

Or is it practice?

When they say “strong,” they often mean confrontational.

Or ‘takes no shit.’

This is often people who stand up for what is right as they see it.

And when they call this strong, they are right. It takes guts to risk confrontation and people disliking you over opinions. It takes practice for most people to feel comfortable getting here.

It’s strong, too, when those confrontations are done on behalf of others who cannot (at that time) step up themselves.

However, when confrontation (especially physical) is the ONLY way people solve things (or the go-to), they are not necessarily strong. They are more likely to be bullies, just as weak as the rest of us, in their own ways, and fighting hard to protect that soft underbelly.

When they say “strong,” they often mean non-confrontational.

I know. It’s contradictory. But so are humans.

In some cases, strong is code ‘takes all the shit slung in jest, without whining and making others defend their hurtful “jokes.”‘

Of course, always avoiding confrontation weakens us. We don’t stand up for ourselves and our needs and we don’t stand up for others.

When they say “strong,” they often mean capable or efficient.

Being organized is not being strong.

It is a strength. And a very very good one to have.

However, organization is more like an assist to strength. You can do more, lift more with the structure of organization than you can without.

A single mom of three with two jobs can seem a lot stronger (and feel it) when she has such mad organization skills, that things rarely go wrong.

When things are disorganized, even the strongest person can get overwhelmed by the minutiae.

When they say “strong,” they often mean helpful.

I mean, if you’re here helping me up off the ground, it must be because you’re strong, yes?

Sure.

Or maybe you just have better leverage right now.

It’s easy for me to help people. In many cases, easier than helping myself.

Does that make me strong?

No.

Same with…

When they say “strong,” they often mean more experienced.

Being secure in the knowledge of 10 years of mindful study and practice is not strength. It’s just knowledge.

It might have taken strength to get that knowledge.

It might have come easy.

Simply having it isn’t strength.

When they say “strong,” they often mean they are authentic.

Which is fair. It does take a certain type of strength or courage to be totally and completely authentic. To be yourself, despite pressures to fit 100% into the norms of society.

But authenticity itself is not strength, although it may be indicative of it.

When they say “strong,” they often mean dominant.

Which is bullshit.

Actually, what a lot of people mean when they say strong is “dominant man.” I have interacted with people who claim that the ONLY reason a woman might choose to be dominant is because she is hurting from past relationships and weak.

rolls eyes

Yeah, can’t be the same for men, nah.

Thing is, I know plenty of submissive people who are strong. Many who are stronger than those who take the dominant or leadership role.

Sure, many dominants are strong. Many are weak as well. This is people. We are a mixed bag, regardless of the box you put us in.

When they say “strong,” they often mean…

What do people mean when they say “strong” in your experience?

What do YOU mean when you call someone “strong?”

I look forward to your thoughts.

What Is YOUR Trap?

“My mind was attached to a specific image of what it meant to be manly. It invested its entire self-worth into preserving that image. My mind greatly undervalues my true worth.”

WOW.

This hit me when I read it.

And it hit me again when that same person kept shutting down anyone offering suggestions on stepping outside those self-created boxes and really freeing themselves to be authentic—and eventually left the forums.

And I thought to myself, “What a trap he’s built for himself. And oh! How he’s caught fast.”

And yet.

Don’t we all have traps that we set for ourselves and for others?

  • What does it mean to be a woman?
  • What does it mean to be a dominant?
  • What does it mean to be an educator?
  • What does it mean to be bisexual?
  • What does it mean to be 45?
  • What does it mean to be Me?

These are some of the traps I could be (and probably am) constructing around myself at any given time.

I’d like to think I examine them and free myself semi-regularly from my entanglements, and all of you and your comments and discussions help me with that.

Thank you.

What are your traps?

How have you boxed yourself in? Have you defined your life or actions based on who you think you SHOULD be, perhaps more than who you are in any ways?

I’d love to hear your stories.