I Was Told Today…”50 Years Ago Folks Didn’t Do Anal”

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

This young man also proceeded to tell me that cunnilingus:

“puts guys in a women s position”

and that

“it’s just now becoming a norm.”
“I feel it’s new.”
“Men in the decade have just started doing it”

Let me tell you something here. This young man grew up in a religious family who adhered to the Bible.

I wonder if they’d torn out the Song of Solomon, LOL!

About anal, he also had this to say:

“In this generation ideas. Changing”

I replied, “Nothing is changing. You shits think you’re fucking discovering shit. Puh-leeeeeease. This is old as the fucking hills. It’s not new.”

Of course, that’s when he hits me with the 50 years line.

Fuuuuuuck! I mean, really.

When we were in Spain this past week, Pet and I had the honor and pleasure of spending a day in the La Mancha region with two amazing men. One gave us a hiking tour with some history of the region, and he and I got into a discussion about a dear friend of mine (now passed) who had done some amazing work of researching and documenting homosexual pairings in the Spanish Armada and piracy.

Gay Spanish pirates!

(Oh, but only in the past 50 years, of course! LOL!)

I mean, this boy has never heard of the Romans?

Or even (again) in his own bible?

Or, I dunno, done even a tiny bit of research of his own?

This is a bright young man, listening to people who have convinced him that:

“Since women make all the rules of sex relationships love they own it and men have no say just blindly follow ass.”

It saddens me for this boy and our friendship, and for his future prospects at happiness. Deeply.

NOTE: I don’t believe men should have to eat pussy. In fact, I wrote about that more than 5 years ago: My Perspective: Why Guys Should Not Be Required To Go Down On Girls

When Good People Snap

I spent 22 years working with dogs as an enthusiastic amateur dog trainer. I worked in obedience, Rally, Agility, showing, rescue and rehab.

I did it for fun, and because I loved dogs.

And it made me a better human, too.

In fact, I learned a lot about humans from dogs and dog training. One thing I learned from Jean Donaldson in her book The Culture Clash, was about “The Bite Threshold.”

The idea is that even good dogs bite when pushed far enough.

And as people with dogs, it’s our responsibility to learn to see when “far enough” is coming too near.

To learn our dogs’ stress levels, and what adds to those levels, and see when it’s piling on and becoming too much.

For some dogs, their stress tolerance level is fairly low.

For others, it’s quite high.

However, add up enough stress, and dogs will hit the red zone where they are highly likely to bite. They may not. They may growl, or raise their hackles, or run and hide, or do ANYTHING except bite. Or they may not. Especially if running is not an option, or cowering is not making the stressor go away.

Continue reading “When Good People Snap”

I’ll Say The “C” Word Whenever I Want!

And I’ll be right.

You see, I read this piece a while back:

Please, not the C word

Where the author says that if they never hear the “C Word,” chemistry, in reference to relationships again, they’ll be happy.

“Like, ever.”

Then, they go on to give six banal reasons someone might feel chemistry.

Except for, you know, actual chemistry.

Continue reading “I’ll Say The “C” Word Whenever I Want!”

Healthy Boundaries: Oversharing

Back in March, I wrote about healthy boundaries in emotional intimacy, and talked a bit about “too soft” boundaries and oversharing.

I did not define oversharing—which led to some interesting conversations in the comments—because, to me, it’s a very simple thing.

of course, if I’d paused for a moment and thought about it, I would have easily realized that others might take a different view.

So, let’s discuss oversharing.

o·ver·share

/ˈōvərˌSHer/
verb
reveal an inappropriate amount of detail about one’s personal life.

A simple enough definition that I think we can all get behind.

The confusion that arose from my writing was not in that particular definition, but more along the lines of ‘Who gets to decide what is inappropriate?’

And THAT is the key to healthy boundaries, in my view.

I had said:

People with soft intimacy boundaries tell way too much too soon about their personal lives, often either scaring people off or signaling they are vulnerable to less-than-pure intentions.

They are commonly referred to as “oversharers.”

It’s more than that, though, because there are many ways to be open and transparent without necessarily having weak intimacy boundaries.

It’s often a combination of oversharing AND making themselves overly vulnerable to people who have not yet matched their level of investment and disclosure in a relationship.

In how I wrote this, I realize that I did not make clear my stance on this.

Oversharing, to me, is something that an individual must decide for themself.

In other words, no one else gets to determine whether you’ve overshared.

They might get to say it made them uncomfortable. Or that they were disgusted. Sure. But that you overshared? Nope. That’s not for them to decide.

At least in the way I’m using the word in relation to healthy boundaries.

Because healthy boundaries are about what you feel comfortable sharing and how vulnerable you can be at any given time, appropriate to the situation.

And only you can decide that.

For example, last week, someone told me that I told them too much about a situation with a mutual friend.

To them, it was too much.

I was surprised. I didn’t tell any salacious details, and they had solicited the conversation by bringing up the topic.

They felt I overshared.

I thought about it, and I don’t feel I did. If they felt uncomfortable, well, I can certainly respect that.

  • I did not violate any of my healthy boundaries.
  • I did not make myself more vulnerable than the relationship could account for.
  • I do not regret saying what I said.
  • It was done in a kinky space, not where vanillas or kids could overhear.
  • I did not violate another’s right to privacy.

The thing is, some people are closer to the surface than others. Some people speak their minds with less filter. Or without as much politesse. Or with less “fakeness,” as some might call it.

Take your pick. It may be a bit of everything.

I don’t think that being more open than most is inherently a negative thing, or should be classified automatically as oversharing.

Unless it violates your personal boundaries.

Unless you find yourself often thinking, “Ugh. I shouldn’t have said that. Why do I always say too much.”

THEN, you have overshared, because you have hurt yourself and put yourself into a position of regretting what you’ve said.

What are YOUR thoughts?

I know what I’m presenting is a different way of looking at this word than is commonly used. I’m presenting this primarily for the use in defining healthy boundaries, not for every life situation everywhere (work spaces, for example often have very different rules).

That said, do you agree? Disagree? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Happy Birthday To Me!

I’ve made it around the sun another year. YAY!

I’ve had a difficult year. Difficult two years, really. Since a hit-and-run car crash in 2017 (the Friday before my birthday party), it seems like things have been haywire for me.

Lots of epic challenges.

Also, lots of me throwing myself deeper into life.

Yin.

Yang.

Today, for my birthday, I’d like to make a request for those of you who read me, and those of you who find me.

Actually, it’s two requests. Both love bombs.

ONE: It’s my birthday. I’d love to hear something nice about me from you. Maybe something I wrote touched you. Or a picture I posted made you smile, or whatever. I don’t care. Just something positive.

TWO: I’d also love for you to pay it forward to at least one person. If you’re willing to love bomb a few people, please do.

Spread some love and positivity through the world of kink today. Say something sweet to another writer, a photo-sharer, a friend, a loved one. Write on a wall, send a sweet message, send a social media post, write a journal entry and name names, something.

If you’d like to tag me, I’d love to read the happiness you’ll share. If not, no worries. I believe you’re doing it—even offline.

Thank you so much.

Let’s spread some love!

Image by autumnsgoddess0 from Pixabay

Poly Is Not…Always At Fault (Poly Is Not, Part XXI)

EVERY poly person I know in real life has been through this.

  • An argument happens about something in the poly relationship.
  • Things get heated.
  • The words get said, “Well, i guess this poly thing is just bullshit.”

Of course, the words may not be EXACTLY those words. They might be, “Ever since we went poly, nothings has gone right,” or “This was your idea, why are you bitching about poly now?”

Or something like that.

Putting the blame square on polyamory as if it is the source of ALL relationship troubles now that your ethically non-monogamous.

Well, guess what?

Poly is not always at fault.

Note: [I am NOT in any way saying that polyamory is right for everyone.][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/4778178] I am not a bloody priestess of the ethically non-monogamous. I write about poly for those curious about how it works (and doesn’t), and for those who are looking for new perspectives on their own journey in ethical non-monogamy.

There are so many things related to polyamory that aren’t poly. Including things that look like jealousy that aren’t.

Like:

  • You’ve double booked, and SOMEONE is going to be disappointed.
  • You’re caught up in NRE and forgetting the maintenance behaviors that you usually give your longer-term mates.
  • You’ve got less passion or desire for your longer-term relationship.
  • You’ve been being less present in your time with your longer-term partner.
  • You’re stressed, because everyone wants you, and you’re not good at setting priorities and boundaries.
  • You’ve screwed up commitments that were incompatible with something you’re exploring.

And so on.

Sure, having more than one lover can be the reason for your double-booking. The same thing can happen with friends or family or work, and it will cause hurt feelings.

You may forget maintenance behaviors in your monogamous relationship as well. Many people do. People bitch about this shit online ALL THE TIME.

Your passion may ebb and flow because of a new partner (or partners), or because of hormones or a bad day.

And blah, blah, blah.

The polyamory/ethical non-monogamy is not the issue, necessarily.

It’s the catalyst for the behaviors that are causing strain and upset.

So, blaming the poly automatically is disingenuous, and takes the responsibility off the behavior, and puts it onto a lifestyle.

Poly is not always at fault. Sometimes relationship management skills are the culprit.

Healthy Boundaries: What Is YOU In A Relationship?

Where do YOU end and where does another begin?

Where does the state line of Healthy Boundaries meet it’s neighboring District of Codependency?

For me, after a marriage of emotional abuse, getting sucked into someone else’s untreated mental illness, I tend to be hyper aware. Like, “I know it when I see it.”

But to set lines of demarcation for others? It’s harder.

I do know there are things in a relationship that each person is responsible for, regardless of dynamics—at least in my view. Of course, my view is also that [a dominant is responsible for EVERYTHING in their relationship dynamic][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/3224217].

(Yes, I know that sounds contradictory. It’s not, in my mind, because my submissive can be responsible for their behavior to me, and I can also be responsible for their behavior within our dynamic.)

Here are a few things, though, that (for me) give a good hint at where the lines could be drawn:

  • Doing things that I think will make them happy and healthy and feeling loved is ME.
  • Ensuring they have a happy life is NOT ME.
  • Their financial success is NOT ME.
  • Their mental health is NOT ME.
  • Being a human of my word is ME.
  • Creating a safe space where they can express themselves is ME (not as therapy but as groundwork for the emotional connection that enables intimacy—I’m not responsible for fixing their problems, but having a healthy relationship means providing a non-judgemental ear to listen or shoulder to cry on).
  • Expressing myself is ME.
  • Leading by example is ME.

And so on.

What is YOU in a relationship?

Do any of my lines feel right to you? Do any feel wrong? How does your dynamic affect what is YOU in a relationship versus what is not, if at all?

In a relationship with healthy boundaries, where do YOU begin and where does your partner end?

I look forward to your thoughts.

Forgiving, In Order To Be Forgiven

A friend of mine sent me this writing prompt to ponder:

I think everyone agrees that it’s bad to hold onto past hurts, and bring them up in arguments years later. But how about if you flip it around?

I remember my dad telling me once, after my mother did something that annoyed him, that you don’t want to be too hard on your spouse, because some day you’re going to be the one in the wrong. It stuck with me. I always try to be gracious when people fuck things up (or even fuck me over) because I hope they will be gracious with me when the situation is flipped.

So my question for you, is are those things different? Is expecting someone to be forgiving because you were forgiving, different than hanging onto hurts from the past?

I reacted to this when I read it, but I wasn’t sure exactly what my reaction was, so I sat on it a bit.

And today, much sooner than I expected, I have an answer—or at least something I can start to answer with.

Yes, it is different, I believe. Not just because the immediate results are different, but because of the intention.

That said, there is a potential shadiness in this that I think my friend was catching on to that was likely not at all intended by his father.

It’s worth exploring.

To me, forgiving to be forgiven is a form of covert contract:

The I-was-so-forgiving-therefore-you-need-to-recognize form of covert contract.

UNLESS it’s spoken. Aloud. Clearly. And agreed to.

Let me explain.

I think we can all agree that buying someone dinner in the expectations that it will lead to sex without negotiating that is a covert contract and pretty gross.

In the same vein, so is forgiving someone now to use as a get out of jail free card in the future.

Both are trading something for something else without the agreement of both parties.

If we flip this, though, it’s OK: “I’m forgiving you, and really, barely even need to do that, because you’ve always been so understanding when I’ve made boneheaded moves…”

THAT is always OK.

But that is coming from a place of thanks and gratitude, rather than from a place of expectation.

Or, even, “I forgive you. I mean, I’ve done enough boneheaded shit in my life that I get it. I certainly hope that when I’m an idiot, you’ll also forgive me, deal?”

Which is a good option, but not a great one.

Because this may be a boneheaded move to you, but what you want forgiveness for in the future may feel like more than that, and you’re deposits into the forgiveness account may not be enough. If that happens, will you then be entitled? Or feel OK?

I can’t answer that for you. You may not be able to answer that for yourself, until it happens.

That’s why I suggest living a No Regrets philosophy, and choosing your actions at any time by what is right for you NOW, not what you hope to get out of your decision.

What are your thoughts?

I could be way off base here. I don’t think I am, obviously. However, I’m still testing this thought process, and I’m open to your thoughts and ideas about what I’m getting right (if anything) or wrong (also if anything).

Flirting Fail: Freckles

Him: Older, debonair-looking older artist man (Jeff Goldblum type-ish).

Me: Well, me.

The scene: Walking the grounds of the North Carolina Museum of Art, he is solicitous and charming.

Until…

He brushes his fingertips lightly along my shoulder, which is warm from the North Carolina sunshine. He says in a dreamy voice (which, BTW, is smooth and creamy-sounding like butterscotch), “Has anyone ever counted your freckles?”

It’s like the whole world was an LP, and the needle just screeched across it. I stopped. “No,” was all I had.

He continued on, encouraged, “You deserve to have your freckles counted one-by-one, cataloged and loved.”

It’s like my brain went blank. I didn’t understand English and I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying.

But that would be awful, wouldn’t it?

I have thousands of freckles on my left forearm alone.

How would anyone count them all?

Would I get potty breaks?

Would we need a marker to mark off which had been counted and loved until the next time?

What if it washed off?

Would we have to start all over again?

What kind of person would be that obsessive, and why would I want to invite them into my life?

That’s a hella lot of scrutiny.

I glanced over. He was smiling slightly, gazing intensely at me, giving off waves of oh-so-suave seduction.

Only, he was far less Jeff Goldblum now, and more this:

I shuddered.

WHY would he do that to me?

WHY would he make me think these things. He was…inoffensive…until that point.

LOL!

I tried to put those thoughts out of my mind, but I could never get over it. It went downhill from there through the rest of the walk and mid-afternoon lunch.

The worst part?

He was SHOCKED when I thanked him for his time (after paying my half of the bill), and told him I felt no connection.

And I still sometimes feel a dark cloud over me, as if someone is walking up behind me, and has started counting my freckles…

They Ask For Advice, Then Do The Opposite (EVERY Time)!

We all know these people.

For some, it seems like this is a hobby. Hopping from one dramatic train wreck to another, always looking for advice on how to fix something that they were advised not even a week ago not to do by everyone and their dogs to avoid like the bubonic plague.

Hell, my ex-husband used to accuse me of doing the opposite of what he said all the time.

In my view, that’s because he often gave bad advice, backed up with crappy logic. Once I realized that, I respected him less for it, and it was the beginning of the end.

But, to be fair, I also stopped asking.

I had a woman approach me privately from Whips Chains & Duct Tape, asking after information about whips and whip play.

I don’t know much about whips. I’ve never taken time to learn about them or to understand the skill, and they hold little appeal for me, so I put her in contact with a friend on the other side of the slash who enjoys them and knows quite a few people REALLY FUCKING skilled in using them.

She also asked me about this new relationship with the potential whip top that had so many red flags, that a green lawn covered in them would look like the flag of mother Russia.

And I said so.

She thanked me profusely, and said she’d reach out to my friend.

Continue reading “They Ask For Advice, Then Do The Opposite (EVERY Time)!”