Now, don’t get me wrong. Relationship Anarchy are not the only way to do it right, and in fact, many practitioners probably screw things up at least as much as the national average.
I’ve written before that polyamory is not for everyone. And I mean it. Some people are inclined to be monogamous, and that’s cool. Some are not. That is also cool.
It’s about finding what works best for you and your partner(s).
So, back to some of these relationship anarchy core ideas.
Unlike many might believe from just hearing the term bandied about here and there in polyamory and other circles, it’s not an “anything goes” philosophy where what you do is all about you and blind to the effect on others.
Not at all. There are commitments and love and drama and fun and… well, let be a bit more clear, and just dive into it.
Put Yourself First
One of the core tenets of relationship anarchy is to put yourself first. Not in a narcissistic way, but in a way that honors the needs YOU have and allows you to help others meet their needs as well.
Romance Is Not Greater Than Friendship (or vice-versa)
Yesterday, I answered a call for sources for an article about why people might want to keep developing their friendships once they have a significant other. Like that’s a question that needs to be answered.
But even is that’s a no-brainer for you as it has been for me, you might still (like I have in the past) be putting your romantic relationship first pretty much always.
Relationship anarchists allow relationships to grow based on connection, not just on the concepts of sex and romantic love. Friend may often (and continually) take precedence over some romantic or sexual lovers, and that’s OK.
It also means that doing the things with friends we might normally do for/with lovers, like having a “date” night for connection, complimenting them, and being physically (not necessarily sexually) affectionate is OK, and lifts us up with companionship.
Relationship Anarchy Examines WHY
Why this relationship? Why this step?
The default relationship pattern we see in most of our culture has been given a moniker: The Relationship Escalator, because an escalator only goes one way:
And so on…
Relationship anarchy chooses each step, and also makes the point that it is also perfectly acceptable to step back to a previous relationship style, or sideways into another, not just go blindly forward.
What about THIS person calls me to THIS relationship style?
Set Personal Boundaries (and keep them)
Relationship anarchy is more focused on personal boundaries in relationships, rather than rules.
Healthy personal boundaries are a positive focus.
“I choose this path for me,” rather than, “You’re not allowed to do that.”
It’s finding the sweet spot (see above), and realizing that two people will never FULLY overlap, but that OK. Awesome, even. You have things you enjoy together, and things that you enjoy apart.
Recognizing that allows people to grow and thrive as individuals, even within couplehood or polyhood.
Again, I’ll point out that I’m not advocating one relationship style over another.
I’m saying that some of the precepts of RA can be valuable to any relationship style, and can help you grow as a single, a couple, or a group.
LOL! I can barely think about it without laughing out loud, even when I’m alone.
My friend and I used to say that to each other with a knowing look when a boy with the right coiffure appeared in our line of sight.
It was a very specific look. Not long. In fact, short in the back, but with longish bangs that fell over the forehead and (*gasp* be still my beating heart!) maybe even one eye.
It was jaunty.
And it’s what I desired in a boy. Continue reading “I Used To Desire “Hair””
Cuckolding is a hot trend online these days, but is it a viable kink? I’ll give an enthusiastic YES!
Not only is it a fun fetish for cuck and cuckoldress, but it actually enhances intimacy, love, creativity and fun in your relationship.
Based on my popular 2 1/2 month online course, this class covers setting ground rules, finding a bull, creating an amazing cuckolding relationship and trouble shooting.
Polyamorous, open, swing, poly-fidelous, monogamish… so many ways to say that you enjoy ethical non-monogamy, or more than traditional one-on-one coupling.
But what does it all mean, and how does it all work?
In this class, we’ll discuss labels, relationship patterns, communication, communication, and communication.
It’s all about finding what works for you and your partners, once you step out of the relationship box and into ethical non-monogamy.
What is protocol and why do you need it? Not all protocol is bowing and kneeling and “yes, Sir,” and so on. Protocol can be every day traditions and rituals built over time. In this class, we’ll explore the many types of protocol, and how to choose the protocols you want most in your life and your relationships.
This photo represents a deep bond in my relationship with my Pet that we’ve shared from day 1: A sense of adventure and playfulness.
We lived two hours apart when we met (in person), and saw each other every couple of weeks. In between, we shared ideas and images that we loved, discussed them, and sometimes made them our own.
This image was the result of one of those images, as was the resulting scene with lots of leather and my dildo collection…
But it’s not just recreating that is so special to me.
It’s that we work together so well to pull these things off.
He is an amazing cheerleader and enthusiastic (and enamored) photographer. A joyful bottom. A skilled lover.
EVERY time we do this, we have knocked it out of the park, and explored yet another way of expressing our sexuality, while growing in what we know about each other, what we like, and fun new kinks.
Looking over my collection of photos, I can see at least 10 more images that happened this way as well. It’s part of us, and threads through much of what we do and how we love.
Pick a photo you have posted for the public, or link to one. Write about what it means to you, the feelings it evokes, anything.
Feel free to write in the comments or in your own journal and link here (so others can read it), or just think on it or write on it and keep it to yourself, if you prefer.
Write a sentence. Or a paragraph. Or an essay. Or whatever this is to you. Talk it out. Make it yours, if it’s not.
This morning, I’m thinking about two men. In my head, I call them Dreamboat and Cutie Boy. They are members of an Entrepreneurship group I participate in, and they are, in fact, as attractive as my nicknames for them would suggest.
They are also partners in business, so I sort of think of them as a duo, like John and Marsha, or Captain and Tenille.
But this is primarily about Cutie Boy.
So, Cutie Boy is pretty curios about this whole “kinky dating” thing, and asks questions.
Which I encourage.
First, because I like talking to him and looking at him. I’m a pervert like that.
Second, because I like to think that the more matter-of-fact and approachable I am in any situation about what I do, the more normal it seems. Not as “freaky-scary” to the vanillas (or not-quite-so-vanillas).
So, he says, “Do people’s careers make a difference in how they kink?” (I’m paraphrasing.)
I and Selene both responded, “Often, yes, but not in the way you might think.” And I explained that many people who take charge in their careers prefer to submit in their personal life or vice versa, and some people are just as dominant or submissive in their entire life.
He stopped to think for a moment, then said, “So the ones who are like that all they time, and they more real?”
Which is a fair question.
I immediately answered, “Nope. Humans are far too complex for generalities like that.”
Here’s what I mean, and how I explained my views on leadership to him:
People are bundles of contradictions and a myriad of motivations.
Let’s take leadership for example. People want to lead for different reasons.
- They get off on the power.
- They are incredibly capable and efficient.
- They view it as a service, and step up when they are needed.
I’m sure there are more reasons, but this is what I thought of at the time.
I told him that leaders probably often have more than one reason.
“So, if one person is a leader because they love having that power, and another is a capable person who loves to provide leadership, which is better?”
He said “probably the second.”
I said, “Which is more ‘true’? Or which is more authentic?”
He said, “Neither, really.”
Which is why I don’t think lifelong dominants are more real than switches, or why I think those who are more powerful in their daily lives are any more or less effective at submitting than anyone else.
People are people. Amazingly complex, interesting, conflicted, beautiful…
And I had the all the pleasures of looking at Cutie Boy, discussing two of my favorite topics (kink and business), and connecting through communication all in one go.
Not a one of those things has anything to do with whether my leadership is “real” or “authentic” or “true,” but every one is part of my leadership self.
What are your thoughts on leadership?
What makes for a good leader/dominant. Is there anything besides their actions that (for you) signal someone who might be a step above the others?