On September 27, 2021, SirGuy presented the topic ‘Misconceptions of Dark-Skinned Men In & Out of the Fetish Scene’ for Dating Kinky’s Distinctions of Deviation with our host Chucky. The original presentation was free to all who joined us live, and was recorded for Dating Kinky’s PLUS members to access through the Dating Kinky Library (over 400 videos and 550 hours of content!).
Here is a clip from that 100-minute show, where Chucky and SirGuy talk about their long years of experiences in the scene, and how it feels to see so many more people of color step up and take their place at events, in education, and in leadership.
TRANSCRIPT
Chucky (Host):
Yeah, and it’s funny because even some allies would make statements that I would just look at them like, “You know, you can’t make comments about what we go through as people based on the prejudices of others. That’s like me telling you how to feel when you’re having a baby, knowing I will never have a baby and I’ve never had a baby,” and I think that might be a poor analogy, but that’s the closest I can come to with the perception that ‘things aren’t as bad as we make it seem,’ or you know, things of that nature.
Do you think that even within the scene that race relations—even though, you know, we’ve come in at a time where there were very few black people involved in the New York scene.
Now, there’s so many where it’s like at TESFest about three years ago (because we haven’t had one like two years)… I think it was a three years ago when we had a big meet and greet.
I will—and I got up and I was like, you know, I’ve been in the scene blah, blah blah, and I was like, “I’ve never seen this many black people in one instance, in the scene, collectively in over 10 years—like, like 10 years, all the black people I’ve seen in the scene doesn’t amount to what I see in front of me right now, and I’m just amazed, because like I appreciate the fact that more people of color and just in general are more involved.
But yet we still get the, like I can still walk into parties and get that look like ‘What is he doing here,’ or like, you know, ‘Why is he here?'”
And I know that when I first got into the scene when like I said, it was like I could count on my hand, how many black people I’ve seen within the first four years and I’m not exaggerating.
Of course, the Black Masters, and of course, you know, not counting black mistresses because they’ve always been there, because they’ve always been honored, but just knowing that I still get looked upon, like damn near 30 years later as if, like, I might cause a problem.
Not because I come in belligerent, not because of anything but I’m a dark-skinned black man.
And-and-and if I label myself submissive, if I don’t come in on my hands and knees or come in looking timid,
then either I must be faking or there’s something wrong with this and I lost where I was going with this so excuse me…
SirGuy:
No, but, I understand what you’re saying.
That happened.
Something similar happened to me, like I said, for years and years and years.
And yes, I hadn’t seen a lot of black people. I was at, I was a board member on duty one day, and it was a class that was being given by a black male dominant, and he had two white female submissives and all of a sudden the audience was filled with black people and I’m like, “Whoa, where you people come
from?”
And that’s where I learned about Black BEAT.
That person was a member of Black BEAT. Yeah, put the word out on Black BEAT.
I’m sitting there like, “Whoa! Let me hear about this stuff, let me go, let me go.
Now, a couple of years ago, I was at MsC, Master slave Conference, and there was so many black people in the MS lifestyle there.
And Mama Vi Johnson, actually literally had tears in her eyes because she says she remembers when she was the only black face there or maybe there was one other black face there.
Master Zeus, Master Daddy Zeus also, same thing.
They remembered when they were the ONLY black people there, but I think this—that development is one of the reasons why people are having more of a problem with us now.
Chucky (Host):
Yeah.
SirGuy:
We’re more, we’re more visible, and we’re not quiet and know our place.
We’re starting to speak about the injustices that are taking place.
We’re starting to get into positions of authority and leadership in groups that aren’t exclusively black.
We’re starting to educate more, not just in our own community, but in other communities, and people who had considered themselves to be The Holy Grail are now starting to realize that their…their…luster doesn’t shine as bright as it did before.
And they are intimidated by that.
They’re intimidated by the fact that we aren’t just getting along—going along to get along.
You know, when I came in it was like, ‘You don’t want to make any waves, you know, you don’t want to, you
know, you just kind of quietly remove yourself from the situation,’ but now more of us are confronting these situations head-on and a lot of these people aren’t used to that.
They’re not used to being questioned, they’re not used to how the people react.
They’re not used to us reacting to being questioned.
Like, you know, “Excuse me. Uh, do you know someone here?”
“Who the fuck are you?”
They’re not used to that, and because of that it’s making them feel a certain way.
And I’ve always said this, it’s one of the reasons why a lot of white people with prejudices who are, you know—overt or covert—are afraid of the expansion of the black populace is that they’re afraid that we would treat them like they treated us.
—
The day I started working with this clip this week was Tuesday. And that evening, I was scheduled to be the posted security at an event for POCs only.
My producer chose this clip, and it seemed to really coincide with what I was experiencing.
Today while I’m writing this, it’s two days later.
I worked the door for the event, and the was on hand just down the block for our newest host, Scorpio_Mo on FetLife, running her first Mingler event by herself.
A couple months ago, when we started this local get-together specifically designed to start bringing kinky people together to MEET other people, we thought the community needed this. We had no idea how much.
And our little subsection of the community grew.
And we got an LGBTQIAA+ channel. And a queer Mingler.
And then a Minglers of Color channel. And they started planning their own Mingler. They voted. They wanted POC-Only for their first one, not POCs and allies. We got it scheduled, then had to reschedule, thanks to COVID.
Grrrr.
But this event brought over 100 local people of color to RSVP, and those who could make it came out and had a private space set aside JUST for them. To socialize, to connect, to share their experiences in the community, to laugh, to…well, all the things people do when they feel like they belong.
Or, so I’m told.
I wasn’t there, of course.
I’m about as #FFFFFF as a person can get.
But I got quite a few comments after. That it was needed. That they wanted more. They they felt like they had found a place for themselves, quite possibly, perhaps.
And the word that keeps coming into my head about all this, that SirGuy and Chucky (houseslave2000 on FetLife) also Brough to mind, is belonging.
In 2016, I wrote about belonging. I wrote:
There Is Nothing More Erotic Than Belonging (https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/3631445)
In D/s, there is nothing more erotic than belonging.
In my opinion, belonging is the highest level of emotion, and it translates into the greatest physical excitement in a relationship.
In a D/s relationship they belong to me, they are mine, every pleasure they experience is an act of obedience to me, they surrender everything they have to me, I know and see everything inside of them, they share their most intimate self with me, the two of us share a connection we do not have with anyone else (even if we have connections with others, this is ours).
This connection creates deep levels of desire for each of us, because there is love and responsibility on both sides.
And as I reread that today, thinking about this conversation I’m sharing and about that event and the amazing good feels that flowed from it, I think that belonging is (of course!) so much more than D/s.
It’s EVERY DAY life.
And I think most of us (all of us) know what it feels like to carry the tension of feeling that we don’t belong in a space, in a time, and possibly in the lives we’ve chosen.
And those beautiful moments spoken of by SirGuy and Chucky, well, those are about belonging. Being validated in your chosen space by seeing people LIKE YOU.
And frankly, I’m gobsmacked by the feels.
And I hope that you are, too.
And that you can, whatever your color, do something, anything to help the people around you, sharing your kinky space, feel like they belong.
And to help hold and create space for those who may not be represented quite as obviously. To offer yourself to assist in whatever way you are wanted or needed or could be useful to make it happen.
So that more amazing people in this community can belong.
What are your thoughts?
As a person of color, how does it feel to know that POCs in kink are standing up, taking their places, making spaces for you and everyone else to come?
As a non-POC, what do you do—what can you do to advocate and promote for more spaces where POCs feel belonging? Or to promote the spaces they create?
—
You can learn more about Dating Kinky at: https://m.datingkinky.com
You can learn more about SirGuy here: https://www.sirguybdsm.com
And you can find out more about the Distinction of Deviation: People of Color in Kink and Our Allies (and see/listen to the full episode with SirGuy) here: http://datingkinky.com/poc
