I’ve been having a conversation with a perfectly nice man.

At least, he seems perfectly nice, in our online conversation.

According to my FetMail, he originally contact me 146 days ago. He originally asked me out to meet him for coffee 117 days ago.

We’ve never met.

And for someone like me, that’s pretty telling. I’ve been known to arrange a meet with someone in the afternoon, spontaneously, just because, and I almost always meet people who really want to meet.

But see, this guy, this nice guy, he doesn’t want to meet, really.

He wants the fantasy of meeting.

So, he asks me out, then poofs before firm plans are made.

Over and over.

And this week, I’ve called him on it. And today I explained it.

He is constantly inviting me out then disappearing.

So, his desire to indulge in fantasy (of inviting me out and potentially setting a date) is far more important to him than the time and effort I put into responding, and possibly planning to meet him, rearranging my schedule, answering his questions.

It’s selfish to choose your fantasy over someone else’s time and feelings.

It’s selfish to create a relationship online, and pretend that you are going to meet, when you know you never will.

It’s selfish to set a date and not show.

It’s selfish to only reach out to people when you are feeling lonely, to get a hit of kinky wank-fantasy, then sink yourself back into your ‘real life,’ with no explanation

It’s selfish to tell someone you want to be friends, then avoid them, because you really only wanted a relationship/sex, but not offering friendship makes you feel like an asshole.

And so on.

Your fear makes you behave selfishly, even when you have no conscious intention of being that way.

Even when you are a generally nice person.

My fear does it, too, sometimes. I’m working on it.