In my view, shyness is like a weak “outgoing” muscle.
The only way to fix it is to work it out, taking it past it’s boundaries over and over and over again, until it’s built up. And, like anyone who’s ever worked out will tell you, there is some pain.
You just have to take chances. Small ones and large ones. And take the consequences.
And that will make you mentally strong.
Here’s something else to consider:
Being shy is a self-centered frame of mind.
It’s ALL about you. How nervous YOU are. How YOU come across. Whether people like YOU.
It’s a self-full view of the world.
It’s easier to get over shyness when you focus yourself on others.
- How nervous are they?
- How are you making them feel?
- Do you like them, and show them?
Focus more on the people around you and how you interact, and you won’t have time to spend focusing as much on yourself.
For example, let’s say you found out that the boopsie of your dreams wanted you to ask them out… and they felt like you didn’t because you didn’t like them. How would that make you feel?
Or if you discovered they wanted to ask you, but didn’t, because they were too shy?
You see? Turn it around.
And when you do ask, if they turn you down, that’s OK, too. Because you want to be with people who want to be with you. That’s friendship, love, and consent.
You want the sweet spot.
So, take small steps.
Going out with a book, a graphic novel, a comic, some work you need to do, your computer (a phone is not a good substitute, here…. it’s too isolating), and put yourself into situations where you can talk to people.
Maybe sit to read/work in a park, a bar, a coffee shop, etc.
Just little conversations. Nothing big. But get yourself talking to people.
- Hey, how’s the coffee here?
- Do you know the wifi password?
- I’m not usually in this neighborhood, is there a lunch place you’d recommend?
A great opener is a genuine compliment:
Take a trusted friend out with you who is more outgoign and willing to help you break out of your shell. Let them do some of the heavy lifting at first, and bring you into the conversations, then step back more and more, and be there only to spot you.
In kink situations, the same thing applies.
It doesn’t mean more because it’s kinky or people are half nude (if they are). It’s still just approaching and talking to people.
One thing that makes a difference to me is realizing that any person I may appraoch has not been in my life for the past 44 (almost 45) years, and if they are not interested, they simply won’t be in my life moving forward.
No harm done.
In fact, I’ve learned another person not perfect for my life and tribe.
What about you?
Are you shy? Have you gotten over shyness? What did you do? What have you tried?
Ever tried to help someone who was shy?