On April 27, Nookie presented the topic Ask A FemDom: Red Flag Submissives on the mōn app (themonapp.com, iOS only). The original presentation was a promotion for our upcoming FLR, FemDom, and Women in Charge weekend event (https://womenincharge.info), was free to all who joined us live, and was recorded for Dating Kinky’s PLUS members to access through the Dating Kinky Library (over 400 videos and 550 hours of content!) and paid ticket holders of the event.
Here is a clip from that one hour show show, where she talks about the red flag of assuming that kink = sex and bottom = submissive.
This is at the end of the presentation, after she’d already discussed the red flags of:
- Approaching with play first
- Interacting on a kink level, primarily
- Not understanding or having limits
- Not respecting Boundaries
TRANSCRIPTION
I’ve got one more I’d like to go over with you all, and that is when people (subs) don’t understand the difference between being a bottom in a scene and being a submissive in a relationship.
So, the bottom in the scene is the one who receives the spankings or gets the pegging or even sometimes
does the serving, right?
It’s somebody who wants to—often wants to escape from their lives for a period of time and DO THE THINGS.
Whatever those things are.
Whatever they—whatever kinky little fantasies their hearts might desire.
Whereas being a submissive is somebody who wants to give up power in their relationships, in their lives, to somebody else and follow them.
Now, there are a lot of people out there who would say, “Oh, yeah. I love some freaky shit, but don’t tell me what to do.”
That’s a bottom, right?
Or there’s some people who when they have, you know, their hand on their genitals and they’re imagining things, they want to be told what to do, but the rest of the time they not only are fiercely independent, but they would resent somebody telling them what to do, even with a negotiated relationship.
And it’s important to me when people approach me that they know themselves, or that they be very clear, that they don’t yet know themselves.
Right?
Another example of something that I’ve seen is people thinking that kink, like power dynamics, always involves sex or are the same as sex.
So as a dominant woman, I MUST be the porn version of a dominant woman that, you know, degrades somebody for, you know, their (her) pleasure and you know shoves big fat d**dos in their butts and you know, spanks them and ties them up and so on and so forth.
Which, sure, sometimes those things happen at the same time. But the power dynamics of
dominance and submission are not inherently sexual.
Like, I don’t just dominate to have better sex.
I don’t just dominate so that I could stick my silicone c*ck into some some boy’s or some girl’s or some any butts, right?
That’s not what dominance is.
So thinking that, you know, kink and sex are the same thing, thinking that dynamics are tied in—or must be tied in with sex—and not understanding the different terms of being a bottom, being a submissive, being a top, being a dominant, being a master, being a slave or at least not having a good clear idea, and, you know, being willing to talk about, you know, what are the differences and how might this play a factor in what we do.
—
Let me be clear: I am always 100% on board with people just learning. And making mistakes.
In fact, I’ve found that many submissives in the lifestyle, especially masculine-presenting submissives identify as submissive because they have been told they MUST be submissive to want [fill-in-the-blank kinky act here].
Like:
- spanking
- pegging
- impact play
- to be tied up
And so on.
NOT SO.
Some people are just kinky. They don’t want or need power exchange.
Some people LOVE power exchange (like me), but don’t feel that the kinky-fun-sexy-stuff is inherently dominant OR submissive.
Some people enjoy power exchange, and don’t do sexy stuff in their dynamics at all.
ALL of this (and all the other variations) are wonderful and good.
Assuming that someone must be this label because they are another label is a common error. LOTS of people get power exchange and activities mixed up, especially early on (although there are some stodgy WON TWOO WAY types who actually teach the crap, too).
I’m usually pretty good with correcting misconceptions.
The red flag really comes with the people who make assumption after assumption, and often end up trying to tell me HOW 2BA DOMME, their way, and what I must do to them, just because they offered it, and how they will submit on every second Thursday from 7:30-9pm, and will receive these three super-kinky-sex things and will “serve” me with these other two sex things…
SMDH.
What are your thoughts?
Aside from simple incompatibilities, what are red flags you might look for in a submissive?
How do you feel about the bottom/sub/top/dominant dynamics and how they play a part in getting to know potential partners?
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