That’s a bit of a joke, but only sort of.
When people talk about ‘all the creepsters,’ I generally have a brief moment of confusion. Because my Brin has to process the statement, and my brain often has trouble with absolutes.
(It’s why I don’t do well with “What’s your favorite…” questions.)
And I don’t find that all the people in kink (or dating, or whatever) are creepy.
Not even most of them.
Not even most of the (gasp) men.
And I do get my fair share of creep, for sure. Being as public as I am gets me plenty of exposure.
But my brain always stutter steps when someone suggests that it’s all creepsters out there.
Because that’s not my experience.
And just the other day in conversations with two people who I think are absofuckinglutelybrilliant, this was said:
Because we kind of have these two categories of bad behavior, one of which is “I wish you wouldn’t do that” and one of which is “this person is a bad person.” —@WhyTrustTomHanks on FetLife
And I get a lot of messages that I wish I didn’t get. And meet a lot of people that if I never encounter them again, I’ll be fine with that.
I’ll say this:
Many approaches are poorly considered.
Some are definitely too…something…sexual, familiar, entitled.
A very few are what I would consider actively creepy. Or “bad person” material as WTTH said.
In fact, I’d say while most people who approach me in (and out of) kink are not ultimately “for me,” they are probably pretty awesome people when they are not stumbling over their awkward desperation to connect or to fulfill that fantasy, or to say SOMETHING, because their shyness is nearly crippling…
And one of the reasons my brain hits ‘pause’ when I hear things like that is because I’m not so good at focusing on the negative.
I read a Facebook post recently that had A LOT of words, and most of them boiled down to, ‘a good relationship is one where you minimize fighting.’
Which is an interesting perspective for me (and one I’m going to explore).
While I say a good relationship is one in which both people feel that they get far more back than they put in.
Negative perspective versus positive perspective.
And looking at my FetMail this morning, and the first 20 messages, not one was creepy. Three were specifically business related, so I took those out, and added the next three for an even 20 personal messages.
Four of those twenty were friends conversing with me. Ongoing conversations. All four were people I have not (yet) met in person.
Thirteen of the messages were inane:
➡️ How have you been (after ‘Hi.,’ and ‘hello,” both of which had been answered 🤦🏻♀️)
➡️ “I read your profile…” (Yeah, no you didn’t. Or you have poor reading comprehension.)
➡️ Would you enjoy this sort of scene…
Just kinda bad attempts at making conversation on a kinky fetish site.
One was an invitation to join a Fet group about something. I have too many groups and I rarely visit them anymore.
One was a question that I did not have an answer for, so I’ll be posting it anonymously on my feed for them to get feedback.
And one was…well, not really creepy, but could feel that way to some, I guess. It was a self-professed dominant writing about two inches of bad D/s fiction with spanking and office play and starring me as the potential submissive.
It was just obviously marketed to someone who was not me (and that would have been obvious with even a moment’s glance at my profile, rather than just my photo), and it was BAD, and not in the bad-enough-to-be-entertaining way.
I wrote a halfhearted slap-back, and was done.
So, one in twenty.
But it also depends on what causes you “an unpleasant feeling of fear or unease.” (The definition of ‘creepy.’)
And perhaps my fear/unease baseline is higher than most (thank you, excellent boundaries and overall feelings of self-confidence, built carefully through the years!). That might be a big part of it.
And I’m online to MEET people, so I figure I will have to deal with, well, people.
Yet, I think about all the amazing people who have come into my life over the last decade as a result of the internet and real-life connections:
❤️ The UK friend I knew online for five years before I met them in person in London.
❤️ The person I flirted with in a discord before meeting at a local meetup event.
❤️ The person who approached me on my own site with a PUPPY in their photo, and who has been a part of my life for 5 years, now.
❤️ The person who I met for tea one day, and who recently dragged their partner (of like 30 years) up to me at a slosh to say hello and meet my partner.
❤️ The absolutely beautiful person who reached out to me when they were moving around the world to my area, and who has grown through the years in so many awesome ways.
❤️ This other person from the UK who was in my area and found a gathering online to attend where we met and hit it off, then come to one of my potlucks the next day (and who will be back soon!).
For every one of these people, there is probably 139 inanities, 1 creeper, and probably another 10 or so possible friendships that just fizzle from lack of real connection/engagement.
But it’s worth it.
And I refuse to paint online as fuller creepsters.
Because it’s not. It’s full of people just like you and me. WE are online.
And I guess that sometimes the creepy voices can feel overwhelming.
So, to loop back around, it seems to me that this is a fundamental difference in approach.
I am online to pursue pleasure.
While others simply want to avoid unpleasantness.
I am perfectly willing to slog through over 5,000 connections per year to make one or two good ones that bring me pleasure, while others cringe at the thought of another screen-long paragraph written by DasUberDomlyPants.
I am also pretty adventurous, and very little online makes me fearful or gives me a sense of unease—and I see that as a privilege in much the same way that my resiliency is or my heteronormativity is, despite my hedonistic sexuality.
And I recognize that my experience is not yours, and that both are valid and real.
What are your thoughts?
What is your experience? Are you discouraged by the creepsters online? Do you feel that they are the majority, or enough to fill you with unease—or even dread?