Thinking In Bets, by Annie Duke is an amazing read.
Annie is a professional poker player. She’s won millions. And she wrote a book about how to make decisions when you don’t have all the facts.
The biggest take away I had from the book is the idea that the right decision will always lead to the right results is a myth.
Which, of course, we all know.
But, we don’t KNOW it, until we think about it. Like, really know it.
For some reasons, we are stubbornly addicted to the idea that the “right” decisions should get us the “right” results.
Which, as Duke points out, works in chess—a highly logical game with no elements of luck.
Not so much in poker, or in life, where there is luck aplenty.
And as in life, so in kink.
Today’s writing prompt was “Why put in the effort if it’s pointless?” I had a link to a comment that no longer exists on this writing: Hello FetLife Newbies!
While I don’t have the comment, I have experiences of that comment over the years from many people, and I have a pretty clear idea of what I meant to write about.
And it perfectly ties in with the myth of results.
You see, in that writing, I mentioned how to send a “cold” message to someone on FetLife. It takes a bit more effort than “hey wyd?” or copy-pasta. It’s designed to be genuine and make a connection beyond gasp sex.
I usually get two objections:
I only want sex.
Ohhhh-kay then. Keep on wit ya bad self. I got nuttin for you.
But why put in all that effort when I STILL don’t get many replies?
This is the one I’m writing about.
Let me give you a few reasons:
- Because those people who might be inclined to interact with strangers are MORE inclined to do so when it seems like the experience will be pleasant.
- You don’t get a shitty reputation of messaging every woman in a 100-mile radius the same thing (yes, we do share).
- Because it’s the right thing to do. Being a good person is it’s own reward. Just like being a jerk becomes a habit, so does being a genuinely awesome person.
That last bit, that’s important.
Like lifting weights, you probably won’t see results the next day (except negative ones, like stiffness or aching muscles), or event he next week, but over time, you will build your strength and functional ability.
It’s a cumulative process.
It’s the same with putting in effort, being kind and authentic, and striving to do what’s right, even without immediate results. Or, even with immediate negative results.
Face it, some people are going to reply with assholery no matter what you write. Some people aren’t going to reply (they may not even be online). Some people are not going to like you, even if you like them.
But it’s not about a 1:1 ratio of do-right-get-right.
After all, sometimes, you’re going to be the asshole having a bad day, and someone will do right for you and get shit in return, or ask for nothing.
And of course, this isn’t just about connecting with people by Fet message. It’s also about meeting kinky people at munches and sloshes and on other sites. It’s about offering to help out at events.
It’s also about walking down the street, working with people, and, of course, playing poker.